What do you think of this solution?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 126
What do you think of this solution?
As some of you might have guests from other posts that I've done, one of my biggest anger triggers is when my AH doesn't help out or participate with the family and dinner in the evenings. With a 6yo, 4yo, and 6 month old, it is crazy.
I wanted to try to get someone, a friend or teenage daughter of a friend to help out in the evenings. I don't know how much luck I will have finding a volunteer, but I can hope lol.
I don't know what reaction he will have. Obviously I will have to have a frank discussion with the person about the situation. He will likely just hide in his room like he does every night.
What kind of reaction might I expect, and how can I best handle this conversation?
I wanted to try to get someone, a friend or teenage daughter of a friend to help out in the evenings. I don't know how much luck I will have finding a volunteer, but I can hope lol.
I don't know what reaction he will have. Obviously I will have to have a frank discussion with the person about the situation. He will likely just hide in his room like he does every night.
What kind of reaction might I expect, and how can I best handle this conversation?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Its impossible to predict how another person will react, but I find that whatever discussion is had I am bets if I stick to only "I" statements:
"I need some help at night and doing this will help me feel less stressed out, as opposed to "You don't help me so I have to do this." IMO, that would pretty much cover it, there's not much else to say.
"I need some help at night and doing this will help me feel less stressed out, as opposed to "You don't help me so I have to do this." IMO, that would pretty much cover it, there's not much else to say.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I like your idea of taking care of YOUR needs, and of course, the children's as well.
I think I spent too much time worrying about how my AH would react to certain things. Often he didn't react badly at all, and then I had worked myself into an anticipatory frenzy that kept me on edge. I'm working on letting go of having control of (or fore-knowledge of) his reactions, and just speaking my truth and stating my boundary.
I think I spent too much time worrying about how my AH would react to certain things. Often he didn't react badly at all, and then I had worked myself into an anticipatory frenzy that kept me on edge. I'm working on letting go of having control of (or fore-knowledge of) his reactions, and just speaking my truth and stating my boundary.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I think that's a great idea!! I will say a prayer you findthe perfect someone. Maybe a teen who could use a little adult supervision about that time would be perfect. You would be helping out another family in the process.
I agree that calm honesty is best when talking to a potential helper. Let them know the situation and that if any unwanted behavior ensues when the helper is there that they should quietly leave and let you resolve it.
I agree to stick with "I" statments when it comes to any discussion with your AH before, during, or after you find a helper. If he has issue with it, try to remember that it could just be coming from a place of embarrassment. Anyone coming into your world could judge his behavior and that can be a hot button for an alcoholic.
In my experience, I had two weekends in the last months I lived with XABF in which I was going to have my two neices come for a visit. Beforehand, I calmly and honestly talked with my brother and his wife about my ex's issues. I told them I had no reason to believe anyone was in any danger, I just wanted to make sure the girls were comfortable and tension in the house would be noticeable. They understood and we decided together that they would be dropped off early and I would drive them home each day instead of a sleepover (late afternoon was when Ex's drinking started).
I fully expected XABF to flee as he usually did when guests arrived especially as evening approached, but when he found out they weren't staying over and therefore wouldn't see him drinking, he decided to be social and make an effort to get along. It was all about the face he showed the world. As long as it was short-lived and didn't disrupt his habits, he could hande it.
When I read your post, I thought, we'll she's working as hard as a single mother would to get her kids fed and off to bed at night. A single mother would want a helper during this time and would do what she needed to make that happen. This is about you doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and your children. BRAVO!!
Alice
I agree that calm honesty is best when talking to a potential helper. Let them know the situation and that if any unwanted behavior ensues when the helper is there that they should quietly leave and let you resolve it.
I agree to stick with "I" statments when it comes to any discussion with your AH before, during, or after you find a helper. If he has issue with it, try to remember that it could just be coming from a place of embarrassment. Anyone coming into your world could judge his behavior and that can be a hot button for an alcoholic.
In my experience, I had two weekends in the last months I lived with XABF in which I was going to have my two neices come for a visit. Beforehand, I calmly and honestly talked with my brother and his wife about my ex's issues. I told them I had no reason to believe anyone was in any danger, I just wanted to make sure the girls were comfortable and tension in the house would be noticeable. They understood and we decided together that they would be dropped off early and I would drive them home each day instead of a sleepover (late afternoon was when Ex's drinking started).
I fully expected XABF to flee as he usually did when guests arrived especially as evening approached, but when he found out they weren't staying over and therefore wouldn't see him drinking, he decided to be social and make an effort to get along. It was all about the face he showed the world. As long as it was short-lived and didn't disrupt his habits, he could hande it.
When I read your post, I thought, we'll she's working as hard as a single mother would to get her kids fed and off to bed at night. A single mother would want a helper during this time and would do what she needed to make that happen. This is about you doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and your children. BRAVO!!
Alice
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I'd keep the conversation even simpler than that -
after ten years of talking to drunks,
nt counting the ones I married,
plus becoming one myself -
I'm here to tell ya that
after about eight words
all we hear is 'bla bla bla' ...
flowerdy talk.
Then we forget what we were supposed to do.
Keep it Simple.
"I can't do all this by myself. I need help. This is help."
Period.
Leaving off the 'flowers' really gets the point across.
Alcoholics joke about the 'flower talk' they get
when they get to the bar, believe me.
"Thank you for sharing"
is what is said when another round is bought.
Truly-
they/we joked about the method of talk.
"I'm sorry it's a bad time for you" ...
"I feel your pain"
and so on.
Keep it simple.
"Put it on a bumper sticker".
after ten years of talking to drunks,
nt counting the ones I married,
plus becoming one myself -
I'm here to tell ya that
after about eight words
all we hear is 'bla bla bla' ...
flowerdy talk.
Then we forget what we were supposed to do.
Keep it Simple.
"I can't do all this by myself. I need help. This is help."
Period.
Leaving off the 'flowers' really gets the point across.
Alcoholics joke about the 'flower talk' they get
when they get to the bar, believe me.
"Thank you for sharing"
is what is said when another round is bought.
Truly-
they/we joked about the method of talk.
"I'm sorry it's a bad time for you" ...
"I feel your pain"
and so on.
Keep it simple.
"Put it on a bumper sticker".
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