JenT1968

I remember asking something similar, my thinking was something along these lines

either he's an alcoholic, I'm right and therefore he should change or I am justified in leaving the relationship OR he's not an alcoholic and then he's right and I need to stop moaning and being unreasonable and should get on with life together.

people on this board at that time told me it didn't matter if he was or not, that only he could really define that.

What rubbish though I, OF COURSE it matters, how can it not?

people on this board told me that clearly I had a problem with his drinking and his behaviour and that was enough for me to start making decisions with.

well- that made no sense at all.
Now I understand where they were coming from. whether or not he fitted a definition of an alcoholic was sort of a red herring: I needed to look at what I wanted from life, from a partner, look at my own behaviour and see if this relationship was one that was nurturing.

I had to understand that my needs and wants from a relationship don't have to fit some universal objective ticklist of what is "reasonable". If I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who did "behaviour x", I had every right not to. That didn't mean I could demand they change, because I was "right", it did mean I could start defining my own boundaries, perhaps discuss this with them and they could then decide whether this was something they could live without or not. If they stated that didn't want to change this behaviour or they said they did, but carried on anyway, well: there was a powerful answer, and one that I had to take into account in my decisions about my life, if I wanted a reality that nurtured me.

(and for reference, my AH was passing out 3 times daily and hiding vodka bottles around the house, was agressive and threatening and lied and I was still questioning whether I was "over-reacting", because I was spinning so much).