its good to be back... here at least
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: salt lake city utah
Posts: 28
its good to be back... here at least
Hi everybody-
To make a very long story a lil shorter here it goes...
I am 30 and my AH is 32 we have been married for almost 7 years and no kids at this point... he goes to AA and when he doesnt go he relapses... anybody surprised?? He is a active alcoholic... meaning he has kept his job but his boss knows of his problem and it has only affected his work a couple of times he doesnt spend alot of money on his addiction but our marriage is balancing on a thin string... when he drinks he would do cocaine some times also and I had found coke in his wallet some 3 years ago and he denied it! I go to Al anon and I was getting more and more depressed for a couple of years and then something kicked me in the butt and I read books on codependcy and addiction... i figured out that I couldnt change him, couldnt control him and biggest of all it wasnt my fault!!!
Fast forward 2 years to now 2010 and he relapses again after a clean 2 months .. i dont yell i dont scream I am numb to the whole thing... I got him to go to a general doctor a year ago and she told him he had gastritis and he needed to go to a addiction specialist... he always says he will go but something always comes up... Yesterday we get into a fight bc he tells me I am too controlling and I think to myself " wow I thought I was doing good, guess not" I used to check his bank account to see if he was withdrawing money and I havent done that for over a year now... guess it was the whole thing of me telling him to really think about loaning his friend $500.? and maybe I got sick of him telling me to pay $10 to wash his truck when he isnt working but yet with everybody else he is buying pinatas, loaning money or taking friends to lunch??? I got sick to hear him cry about not having money or saying things are so expensive then see him go spend money on things we dont need! I have a great job and I have never asked to borrow money nor do I cry about not having money even when things get tight. It gets really hard to deal with an addict sometimes as i am 100% sure all of you have had to deal with it as well...
I guess this time it is a lil tough for me b/c i dont have support from his family... they do not call me ...ever ... to see how things are going. I used to call them and tell them what was going on and saying I couldnt do it alone and to not avail i got nothing back from them... in the form of moral support.
Last week I called his sister when he was out getting drunk and told her I just needed somebody to talk to... as I was a wreck. Told her i was sorry to call and tell her what was going on but I really needed somebody to talk to and her brother needs help and i needed her help. His whole family knows about his addiction but NOT ONE of them has called me in the past 5 years to say " hey how is everything going?? not one time ... maybe that is too much to ask of them or maybe they are in the dark about the whole addiction thing but I would think any sane person after hearing her brother is using cocaine and he needs help would do a lil more to help him... they do call him but they never come over to our home and have only been to our house once since we built our home... a lil odd??? I am told it has something to do with the culture difference??? My husbands family is hispanic and mine is american... my family asks him how he is doing and they dont offer him anything to drink , like alcohol, when he is at their home... unlike his family or his brother in laws?? I dont see the color of somebody but somebody please help me here... wouldnt anybody who hears their brother is an addict want to do more than just give him a phone call and sweep the problem under the rug and act like it never happened?? I think a intervention is needed but I need his family to help out more! Anybody else having issues with a addict and not getting the support from the inlaws??
To make a very long story a lil shorter here it goes...
I am 30 and my AH is 32 we have been married for almost 7 years and no kids at this point... he goes to AA and when he doesnt go he relapses... anybody surprised?? He is a active alcoholic... meaning he has kept his job but his boss knows of his problem and it has only affected his work a couple of times he doesnt spend alot of money on his addiction but our marriage is balancing on a thin string... when he drinks he would do cocaine some times also and I had found coke in his wallet some 3 years ago and he denied it! I go to Al anon and I was getting more and more depressed for a couple of years and then something kicked me in the butt and I read books on codependcy and addiction... i figured out that I couldnt change him, couldnt control him and biggest of all it wasnt my fault!!!
Fast forward 2 years to now 2010 and he relapses again after a clean 2 months .. i dont yell i dont scream I am numb to the whole thing... I got him to go to a general doctor a year ago and she told him he had gastritis and he needed to go to a addiction specialist... he always says he will go but something always comes up... Yesterday we get into a fight bc he tells me I am too controlling and I think to myself " wow I thought I was doing good, guess not" I used to check his bank account to see if he was withdrawing money and I havent done that for over a year now... guess it was the whole thing of me telling him to really think about loaning his friend $500.? and maybe I got sick of him telling me to pay $10 to wash his truck when he isnt working but yet with everybody else he is buying pinatas, loaning money or taking friends to lunch??? I got sick to hear him cry about not having money or saying things are so expensive then see him go spend money on things we dont need! I have a great job and I have never asked to borrow money nor do I cry about not having money even when things get tight. It gets really hard to deal with an addict sometimes as i am 100% sure all of you have had to deal with it as well...
I guess this time it is a lil tough for me b/c i dont have support from his family... they do not call me ...ever ... to see how things are going. I used to call them and tell them what was going on and saying I couldnt do it alone and to not avail i got nothing back from them... in the form of moral support.
Last week I called his sister when he was out getting drunk and told her I just needed somebody to talk to... as I was a wreck. Told her i was sorry to call and tell her what was going on but I really needed somebody to talk to and her brother needs help and i needed her help. His whole family knows about his addiction but NOT ONE of them has called me in the past 5 years to say " hey how is everything going?? not one time ... maybe that is too much to ask of them or maybe they are in the dark about the whole addiction thing but I would think any sane person after hearing her brother is using cocaine and he needs help would do a lil more to help him... they do call him but they never come over to our home and have only been to our house once since we built our home... a lil odd??? I am told it has something to do with the culture difference??? My husbands family is hispanic and mine is american... my family asks him how he is doing and they dont offer him anything to drink , like alcohol, when he is at their home... unlike his family or his brother in laws?? I dont see the color of somebody but somebody please help me here... wouldnt anybody who hears their brother is an addict want to do more than just give him a phone call and sweep the problem under the rug and act like it never happened?? I think a intervention is needed but I need his family to help out more! Anybody else having issues with a addict and not getting the support from the inlaws??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: salt lake city utah
Posts: 28
ok so I havent gotten any advice on this subject yet and I am wondering maybe I am wrong to think his family should support me in this and maybe they want to help him but could care less about me... I am just confused as to what to think or do anymore
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 14
His family may not know if their help is appreciated. You may need to just sit down with them and tell them the situation, in order for them to help you more. I've been there. It doesn't seem fair/right that we have to ask for help, but I had to remember that my AH was sick, and obviously needed all the support he could get. Just IMHO
Good luck!
Good luck!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: salt lake city utah
Posts: 28
Thank you ivelostmytrust....
I have talked to them many times in the past years and this last time I didnt want to call her but I couldnt reach anybody else.. my family was at work my friends were working and my brother didnt answer his phone that night.. The phone call I made to her was a cry of help... I told his sister as I fought back bawling was I needed to talk to somebody, I needed her help and her brother was in need of more help... I told her he lies to his whole family for lots of things and told her what he had been doing in the past 6 months bc i knew he didnt tell them the truth... her response to that_______ ... Oh I know Sandra we need to keep in contact with you more often ... which I heard from his other 2 sisters last year but never heard back from them... this last time i made it clear it wasnt getting better and he needed help before he killed himself or somebody else... i just feel odd when i call my family/friends and they will call back within the next couple of days or come see or invite me to lunch to talk and I try to reach out my hand to his family and they dont take it... its like they see/hear the pain but dont care to involve themselves ????
I have talked to them many times in the past years and this last time I didnt want to call her but I couldnt reach anybody else.. my family was at work my friends were working and my brother didnt answer his phone that night.. The phone call I made to her was a cry of help... I told his sister as I fought back bawling was I needed to talk to somebody, I needed her help and her brother was in need of more help... I told her he lies to his whole family for lots of things and told her what he had been doing in the past 6 months bc i knew he didnt tell them the truth... her response to that_______ ... Oh I know Sandra we need to keep in contact with you more often ... which I heard from his other 2 sisters last year but never heard back from them... this last time i made it clear it wasnt getting better and he needed help before he killed himself or somebody else... i just feel odd when i call my family/friends and they will call back within the next couple of days or come see or invite me to lunch to talk and I try to reach out my hand to his family and they dont take it... its like they see/hear the pain but dont care to involve themselves ????
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
hi waiting,
just wanted to chime in as the ex-spouse of a man whose family knew all about his bad habits (i.e. addiction, verbal abuse, criminal activity, etc) and also never thought to tell me or keep in touch. Eventually, I discovered that he had burned his bridges with them so many times that they simply didn't want to be involved in his life any longer. They kept their distance and we only saw them a few times a year.
From the sounds of your post, it seems like you can't count on them to help you. I'm so sorry you aren't getting the support you need from them. Perhaps it's time to seek support elsewhere, like in individual counselling.
Regarding interventions...I'm no expert here, but I've read a whole bunch on SR and from what I understand, they don't often work unless the individual in question is truly ready to commit to recovery. If the person is not, it's just another set-up for heart-break and disappointment on the part of the friends and family.
Keep posting and let us know how things are going with you.
just wanted to chime in as the ex-spouse of a man whose family knew all about his bad habits (i.e. addiction, verbal abuse, criminal activity, etc) and also never thought to tell me or keep in touch. Eventually, I discovered that he had burned his bridges with them so many times that they simply didn't want to be involved in his life any longer. They kept their distance and we only saw them a few times a year.
From the sounds of your post, it seems like you can't count on them to help you. I'm so sorry you aren't getting the support you need from them. Perhaps it's time to seek support elsewhere, like in individual counselling.
Regarding interventions...I'm no expert here, but I've read a whole bunch on SR and from what I understand, they don't often work unless the individual in question is truly ready to commit to recovery. If the person is not, it's just another set-up for heart-break and disappointment on the part of the friends and family.
Keep posting and let us know how things are going with you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: salt lake city utah
Posts: 28
thank you nodaybut2day..
His familiy may act like bridges were burned but when they need something.. as in borrow money... need a ride somewhere... its their kids bday party and they want us to come but buy something before we go over... So they keep their distance to a point and then if THEY need something they will ask for his help... but where is his help from them.. I may be wrong here and they may be doing things for him that they havent told me but then that just kinda tells me they dont care about me???
His familiy may act like bridges were burned but when they need something.. as in borrow money... need a ride somewhere... its their kids bday party and they want us to come but buy something before we go over... So they keep their distance to a point and then if THEY need something they will ask for his help... but where is his help from them.. I may be wrong here and they may be doing things for him that they havent told me but then that just kinda tells me they dont care about me???
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hmmm, well, if that's how things are with them, then perhaps it's best if you don't have any contact with them. From your description, they sound very self-serving...I don't see how you can count on them for any kind of consistent and honest support.
This is JMO, but it sounds like you are feeling the need for validation of your feelings about your AH's drinking, and that you are looking in the wrong place for it.
Now that things are the way they are, and that you AH is drinking, what are *you* going to do about it?
This is JMO, but it sounds like you are feeling the need for validation of your feelings about your AH's drinking, and that you are looking in the wrong place for it.
Now that things are the way they are, and that you AH is drinking, what are *you* going to do about it?
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 11
I, too, called in the cavalry (his family) to help me & my AH during his recovery. They have been relatively supportive, but it is really hard for them and there is some denial. His dad told me that AH put himself through college, so he was sure to lick this with some willpower. Sometimes people don't understand addiction- they haven't spent the hours we have researching this Also, for parents, I think it is REALLY hard to see their adult child struggling without feeling they have failed in someway...hence denial. My family is also supportive, but in a different way...and sometimes I think way more on point than his family. His mom still talks about drinking beer & wine as okay. Anyway, it is hard to know what is going on with this family and in someways all you need to know is that they are not a support system for you, so you need to find other ones and let that go. Maybe someday they will come around, maybe not. As for me, yes, I would be VERY concerned and active if I learned that my family member had an addiction...which is why I am here, I guess. Good Luck!
Also, for parents, I think it is REALLY hard to see their adult child struggling without feeling they have failed in someway...hence denial. My family is also supportive, but in a different way...and sometimes I think way more on point than his family. His mom still talks about drinking beer & wine as okay. Anyway, it is hard to know what is going on with this family and in someways all you need to know is that they are not a support system for you, so you need to find other ones and let that go. Maybe someday they will come around, maybe not. As for me, yes, I would be VERY concerned and active if I learned that my family member had an addiction...which is why I am here, I guess. Good Luck!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
As the sister of 3 addicts I guess their significant others might wonder why I don't call very often. For me it is because of a long history of getting sucked into painful situations is the answer. I do keep in touch, by letter/postcard, and occasional phone call when I am fairly certain I won;t be speaking to a drunk/out of it/belligerent person!
Also, if my bros GF asked me to "help" I would need her to be very specific - I don;t "help" my bros do anything anymore that a normal non-addicted person can do for themselves. I just can't. I cannot allow myself to do things that enable the alcoholism. That is very bad for my mental health... what kind of help do you think they can bring to the table? he has to ask for help, he has to want to change and accept help, and if he has been going to AA for any length of time then he knows the drill and where to get help!
It sounds as if his family is very one-sided - only taking and never giving. Maybe you don;t actually want their "help" might cost you more than it is worth!
peace & keep up the AlAnon - that's what really turned my head around.
b
Also, if my bros GF asked me to "help" I would need her to be very specific - I don;t "help" my bros do anything anymore that a normal non-addicted person can do for themselves. I just can't. I cannot allow myself to do things that enable the alcoholism. That is very bad for my mental health... what kind of help do you think they can bring to the table? he has to ask for help, he has to want to change and accept help, and if he has been going to AA for any length of time then he knows the drill and where to get help!
It sounds as if his family is very one-sided - only taking and never giving. Maybe you don;t actually want their "help" might cost you more than it is worth!
peace & keep up the AlAnon - that's what really turned my head around.
b
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: salt lake city utah
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nodaybut2day...
I have done plenty on my own for myself as in Al Anon, codependcy books and I have opened up to everybody around me to let them know I need their support as where before I kept it hiding.. that was almost 2 years ago and I kicked him out of the house for 2 months when he wouldnt get the help he needed and I didnt want to be around him ... I learned there is no perfect recovery and how to take care of me... the thing that hurt me this time was I asked for help and I reached out to his sisters and got nothing... that is what kind of hit me hard this last time... I let myself think they would actually do anything different than other times but I WILL NOT LET them get me down again... I have accepted that addiction is hard for all involved and i had to learn the hard way that I need to let things go and let God handle my AH... there isnt anything i can do ... i was just caught off guard that maybe some other source would give me support but i was wrong... both of his parents are passed away so he has only his 6 sisters and 2 brothers... the day may come where they will take over when I know I have done everything I can to save a marriage and they will learn what I had to deal with for 6 years... then maybe, just maybe they will understand why I didnt have a kid with him...MAYBE
I have done plenty on my own for myself as in Al Anon, codependcy books and I have opened up to everybody around me to let them know I need their support as where before I kept it hiding.. that was almost 2 years ago and I kicked him out of the house for 2 months when he wouldnt get the help he needed and I didnt want to be around him ... I learned there is no perfect recovery and how to take care of me... the thing that hurt me this time was I asked for help and I reached out to his sisters and got nothing... that is what kind of hit me hard this last time... I let myself think they would actually do anything different than other times but I WILL NOT LET them get me down again... I have accepted that addiction is hard for all involved and i had to learn the hard way that I need to let things go and let God handle my AH... there isnt anything i can do ... i was just caught off guard that maybe some other source would give me support but i was wrong... both of his parents are passed away so he has only his 6 sisters and 2 brothers... the day may come where they will take over when I know I have done everything I can to save a marriage and they will learn what I had to deal with for 6 years... then maybe, just maybe they will understand why I didnt have a kid with him...MAYBE
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