Angry w/ Myself....
 

I haven't posted in a while....I suppose because I feel like I am living in the limbo world. That is not a bad thing...just what it is. My AH and I still seperated - he is living with a friend and has been for almost 3 months now. I enjoy my life, it is calm and peaceful...I enjoy my children - and the level of stress in our house has decreased signifigantly. My AH comes to visit our daughter often, which does not bother me...except that when he is here he treats everyone just as before - no parenting role, all jokes and making fun of people, angry at the drop of a hat. I am proud of myself that I don't let his mean words or actions make me have reaction. He simply doesn't own that ability anymore. I am frustrated because I occassionally get my hopes up that he will "wake up" from this strange and mean haze he is in, and then I could actually think about a future. Like I said I feel like we live in limbo. I suppose I am also very frustrated - I have 4 teenage sons, a 14 month old daughter, and am 25 weeks pregnant, and having significant issues with that, I work 40 plus hours a week and take care of everything for the kids, myself, the house etc....and he is doing basically nothing. Works about 10 hours a week if that. Gets angry if I ask him to pick someone up from something or take them anywhere...like I am interfering with his schedule. What in the world......I know my pregnant hormones, and tiredness are causing me these thoughts. I just feel the need to write it down to get it out! I did everything when he lived here too....but now he is always eating out and hanging with his friends...and doing NOTHING...and I am letting it drive me CRAZY!!!!!!!

Sorry you are having a rough day. I empathize with your hopes of a better tomorrow. Sounds like you are managing and it is good that the stress is not there. You know, if you just continue moving forward with your life - it shouldn't matter if he comes back - it can all be worked out at that time - the important part is to keep doing what you are doing.

Wish so much that I had other wisdom for you or that I could wave my magic wand (oh wait - it is worn and old and rusty and doesn't work anymore) and give you what you want. But seems you are doing that for yourself!

you have ALOT on your plate. he has very little. he isn't being fair. vent away.

given that you can't change his attitude, and he's not likely to become father of the year off his own bat, can you get help from elsewhere or just stop seeing him so much so that it's not in your face so much? that helps me, I'm a lot better at detaching if I don't have to deal with A at all:)

I deeply resent having not been born royalty.

I mean,
I also know exactly what you mean
by feeling like you're the
only one having to
be the grown up.

*hugs for that *

The thing *I* try to do
when I start getting bogged down
by that feeling ...

... Is I try
to remember that
if I am being affected
that deeply by something
someone else is doing

I might be standing still
in my own life.

You said that : what came to me when I read that was
it was very similar to reading
an alcoholic say something about
going through the steps
so they could control their drinking.

It's the disease sneaking it's voice back in,
is what I'm trying to say.

Because if you're not going to get struck by a meteorite
in the next ten minutes...
you ARE going to have A future.

It's just ...
going to be a DIFFERENT future
than we'd mapped out.

Am I making sense?

Hi Mxh, I sympathise with you; your situation is more difficult than the one I experienced. I have one daughter, when I split from ex he lived with me for a month or so before he moved out and he was like yours in that he did not work, did not lift a finger, did nothing to support me or my DD.

The thing that I guess kept me going through all that was the knowledge that he would be gone soon. Out of my house, and that I could stand tall without him. I spent that month, and many before that too I suppose, proving to myself and him that I could make it on my own. I didn't need him.

He spent a long time telling me that I wouldn't make it alone, that I would loose my house etc and so I had a lot of fear initially (even after he left) that that would turn out to be true.

I got strong by depending on me and trusted people in my life for support and disconnected from him completely in that manner.

Big hugs
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx