How do I encourage and support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 29
How do I encourage and support
I have heard ABF say many times he needs to quit drinking, he is going to quit drinking, yet it never happens. Once again today he said he's going to quit. I don't want to get my hopes up and be disappointed. I want to encourage him but unsure how, don't know what to say or do to help.
I have read lots of the forums here and truly believe that ABF should not be doing with with out doctors supervision, (high blood pressure, history of drinking for a long time) yet he won't see help from the doctor.
I've suggested AA and he won't even consider it.
I want to believe him this time but I've heard it to many times in the past.
I understand the 3 c's..(can't cure, didn't cause and can't control) and I know is drinking started way before me, so I wasn't the cause, I also know he is the only one that can control his drinking and there is no cure...
I just want to support his efforts if he's serious..just unsure how to go about it or what to say or do.
I have read lots of the forums here and truly believe that ABF should not be doing with with out doctors supervision, (high blood pressure, history of drinking for a long time) yet he won't see help from the doctor.
I've suggested AA and he won't even consider it.
I want to believe him this time but I've heard it to many times in the past.
I understand the 3 c's..(can't cure, didn't cause and can't control) and I know is drinking started way before me, so I wasn't the cause, I also know he is the only one that can control his drinking and there is no cure...
I just want to support his efforts if he's serious..just unsure how to go about it or what to say or do.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by Leslie013 
... I also know he is the only one that can control his drinking and there is no cure...
In any event, all this is a moot point if he does not have the willingness to seek help himself, you can't do it for him. Have you tried posting in:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Wow you bought back memories yep i did this to all my ex GF's, in hindsight even to the ones who drank as bad as me?! Try Al-anon for you as there is not a great deal you can do for him...there is a family and friends section that may be of some help on SR, you are in a bad spot here even if you don't realise it and do need support IMO?
Boleo always says it better than me, see below;-)
Boleo always says it better than me, see below;-)
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to SR.....
I have moved your post to the Friends & Family of Alcoholics
as suggested by other members.
That is the best place for you to find information abd support.
Best to both of you...
I have moved your post to the Friends & Family of Alcoholics
as suggested by other members.
That is the best place for you to find information abd support.
Best to both of you...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Welcome!
Boy do we understand this dilemma. Most everyone here has a partner/friend/family member who's words and actions are misaligned.
As people say around here, "step away from the addict!"
You say you "just want to support his efforts" but there is nothing you can say or do to influence his actions. He is going to choose whatever he chooses and if he has said he is going to quit before and not taken action, what gives you any reason to believe anything is different now?
You have a partner that is all talk and no action. Is that acceptable to you?
There is nothing you can do but figure out if this is an acceptable situation for yourself.
Good luck!
Boy do we understand this dilemma. Most everyone here has a partner/friend/family member who's words and actions are misaligned.
As people say around here, "step away from the addict!"
You say you "just want to support his efforts" but there is nothing you can say or do to influence his actions. He is going to choose whatever he chooses and if he has said he is going to quit before and not taken action, what gives you any reason to believe anything is different now?
You have a partner that is all talk and no action. Is that acceptable to you?
There is nothing you can do but figure out if this is an acceptable situation for yourself.
Good luck!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family, Leslie!
Please make yourself at home by posting and reading as much as needed.
I'm sorry that your ABF has not been able to follow through on getting away from the bottle. I know how frustrating it is to see your loved one keep repeating the cycle of alcohol abuse and know that I am powerless over the other person and/or alcohol.
The first step in AA and Alanon is admitting that we are powerless over alcohol and admitting that our lives have become unmanageable. In step One, we are stating the problem. Alcohol is more powerful than we are.
You stated:
I just want to support his efforts if he's serious..just unsure how to go about it or what to say or do.
The best support for an alcoholic is another alcoholic with more experience in recovery OR a professional with experience in alcohol addiction. (I am a recovering alcoholic)
Another recovering alcoholic will call me on my BS when I try to manipulate, blame or deny my part in my addiction or when I try to dodge my responsibilities in life.
The best way to support an alcoholic is to let them be completely responsible for their own life and their own recovery. That includes letting us own our consequences for our mistakes.
Please make yourself at home by posting and reading as much as needed.
I'm sorry that your ABF has not been able to follow through on getting away from the bottle. I know how frustrating it is to see your loved one keep repeating the cycle of alcohol abuse and know that I am powerless over the other person and/or alcohol.
The first step in AA and Alanon is admitting that we are powerless over alcohol and admitting that our lives have become unmanageable. In step One, we are stating the problem. Alcohol is more powerful than we are.
You stated:
I just want to support his efforts if he's serious..just unsure how to go about it or what to say or do.
The best support for an alcoholic is another alcoholic with more experience in recovery OR a professional with experience in alcohol addiction. (I am a recovering alcoholic)
Another recovering alcoholic will call me on my BS when I try to manipulate, blame or deny my part in my addiction or when I try to dodge my responsibilities in life.
The best way to support an alcoholic is to let them be completely responsible for their own life and their own recovery. That includes letting us own our consequences for our mistakes.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
Welcome and we're glad you're here. You'll find tons of support and also that a large percentage of the posts share similiar parallels. The encouragement you receive here is going to a meeting for yourself. Refocus on yourself and let everything else happen and unfold as it should. Save yourself! The meetings are a good source of how to redirect your energy where it is most productive and beneficial for you and in the long run your ABF.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 193
Wow.. I read your post and it was like reading my own words.
However, 20+ years ago I married my ABF. Trust me, nothing changes, it only gets worse.
I love my AH dearly and I know that he wants nothing more then to stop, but without help he is powerless against it. Nothing I did or didn't do made any difference at all. Countless.. and I do mean countless times he tried to stop, white knuckling it, without support... he continued to drink.
He's in rehab right now & I am hopeful. He's finally getting the counseling that he needs to deal with his childhood abuse and abandonment issues... but after 25 years of this ride, I know the odds.
Focus on you, stick around, read the posts, check out Al-anon, take care of yourself. But in the end there are only two things you can do.. get out now or prepare yourself for years of more of the same rollercoaster life.
However, 20+ years ago I married my ABF. Trust me, nothing changes, it only gets worse.
I love my AH dearly and I know that he wants nothing more then to stop, but without help he is powerless against it. Nothing I did or didn't do made any difference at all. Countless.. and I do mean countless times he tried to stop, white knuckling it, without support... he continued to drink.
He's in rehab right now & I am hopeful. He's finally getting the counseling that he needs to deal with his childhood abuse and abandonment issues... but after 25 years of this ride, I know the odds.
Focus on you, stick around, read the posts, check out Al-anon, take care of yourself. But in the end there are only two things you can do.. get out now or prepare yourself for years of more of the same rollercoaster life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 29
This did not come as a surprise to me but after going 18 hours without drinking he opened a can of beer. I made no comment except to say I was going home.
Later on tonight he called and I asked him if he knew why I went home. His reply was "Yes" because the roads will ice up tomorrow. My reply was "no, it was because of the beer."
Later on tonight he called and I asked him if he knew why I went home. His reply was "Yes" because the roads will ice up tomorrow. My reply was "no, it was because of the beer."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
Likewise, your post could have been written by me! My ABF has also said he'll stop drinking many times, and over the weekend professed that 'this is it' - he really is going to do it this time. We almost split up on Friday and I somehow couldn't go through with it. I don't really believe this time he will stop because it's happened so many times before - but part of me is still clinging to the hope that he means it. How stupid does that sound?!
I wanted the same answers as you - how to support him? He has asked me for help but I don't know what I can do. People on this forum say I can't help him and nothing I do will make any difference, but I feel I need to do something. The only thing I know can help is to look after myself which I'm trying to do, but I'm not ready to totally abandon him yet.
It is so frustrating, especially now you have seen he had a drink - after everything he said, he drank. It is a horrid feeling. I guess we both have to just try to take the advice given out by people on here who have been through it, and try to take care of ourselves. I've read that we will know when the time is right to leave.
Take care and remember you are not alone in going through this.
I wanted the same answers as you - how to support him? He has asked me for help but I don't know what I can do. People on this forum say I can't help him and nothing I do will make any difference, but I feel I need to do something. The only thing I know can help is to look after myself which I'm trying to do, but I'm not ready to totally abandon him yet.
It is so frustrating, especially now you have seen he had a drink - after everything he said, he drank. It is a horrid feeling. I guess we both have to just try to take the advice given out by people on here who have been through it, and try to take care of ourselves. I've read that we will know when the time is right to leave.
Take care and remember you are not alone in going through this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 53
Originally Posted by Leslie013
This did not come as a surprise to me but after going 18 hours without drinking he opened a can of beer. I made no comment except to say I was going home.
Later on tonight he called and I asked him if he knew why I went home. His reply was "Yes" because the roads will ice up tomorrow. My reply was "no, it was because of the beer."
Later on tonight he called and I asked him if he knew why I went home. His reply was "Yes" because the roads will ice up tomorrow. My reply was "no, it was because of the beer."
This made me very sad for you. Oh, good luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 29
Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond to my thread. I did not give immediate replies because I wanted to take some time and think about what was said. This now brings up more questions and I hope it's okay.
Part of this stumps me because even though I am not an alcoholic I am addicted to smoking. Doesn't the control or lack of control come from picking up the first drink?
Why does one always need to step away? Isn't there a way to be supportive and encouraging without being an enabler? Don't we all need someone in our life? I'm not trying to stop consequences that occur as a result of his drinking. Some times we all need someone.
When he tells me he is going to quit drinking, while I have hope, I still wait to see actions. I put more trust in actions instead of words.
There was a point in our relationship that I would find myself trying to stop or slow down the consequences, now I have learned to step back and get off the track when the train is coming.
I wish there was someone I knew who could talk to abf because as you say another alcoholic will have the experience that I don't have.
For now I will continue to stand by his side, but that does not mean that tomorrow I will make the same choice.
I hope no one takes my replies as not being thankful or not listening because I am.
Most of what I've read though all seem to say or imply that the only way to help is to leave.
I still fail to see how that answers my original question on how I can be supportive in his desire to quit.
For example, was there something else I should of said or done when he opened the first beer Sunday. I made the choice to leave because that was what I wanted to do for me.
He may not be able to stop even if he really wants to. Alcohol-ism means we can not control our drinking no matter how much desire we have.
As people say around here, "step away from the addict!"
You say you "just want to support his efforts" but there is nothing you can say or do to influence his actions. He is going to choose whatever he chooses and if he has said he is going to quit before and not taken action, what gives you any reason to believe anything is different now?
You say you "just want to support his efforts" but there is nothing you can say or do to influence his actions. He is going to choose whatever he chooses and if he has said he is going to quit before and not taken action, what gives you any reason to believe anything is different now?
When he tells me he is going to quit drinking, while I have hope, I still wait to see actions. I put more trust in actions instead of words.
The best way to support an alcoholic is to let them be completely responsible for their own life and their own recovery. That includes letting us own our consequences for our mistakes.
The best support for an alcoholic is another alcoholic with more experience in recovery OR a professional with experience in alcohol addiction. (I am a recovering alcoholic)
But in the end there are only two things you can do.. get out now or prepare yourself for years of more of the same roller coaster life.
I hope no one takes my replies as not being thankful or not listening because I am.
Most of what I've read though all seem to say or imply that the only way to help is to leave.
I still fail to see how that answers my original question on how I can be supportive in his desire to quit.
For example, was there something else I should of said or done when he opened the first beer Sunday. I made the choice to leave because that was what I wanted to do for me.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
communication. Now we have open communication. I was responding to your original post based on the information provided. Now I have more information.
Sounds to me like you have a good sense of the reality of this situation and are not going to allow your boundaries to be crossed without taking action., Good on you!
I am still learning to establish what is and what is not acceptable in my life and stating my boundaries clearly. I should be asking you for advise!
IMO, your words and actions when he opened his beer were terrific. You kept it simple. You did what was in your best interest and took care of YOU!
As to future support of your A, I try to treat people with respect and give them space to make their own decisions. I try not to take their words and actions personally. I listen when they want to share and offer encouragement and support if needed. I also try to remember that I am not their saviour/sponsor. I can support, but I cannot fix/control/cure their problems for them. I am not that powerful.
I think you are wise to take things one day at a time.
Sounds to me like you have a good sense of the reality of this situation and are not going to allow your boundaries to be crossed without taking action., Good on you!
I am still learning to establish what is and what is not acceptable in my life and stating my boundaries clearly. I should be asking you for advise!
IMO, your words and actions when he opened his beer were terrific. You kept it simple. You did what was in your best interest and took care of YOU!
As to future support of your A, I try to treat people with respect and give them space to make their own decisions. I try not to take their words and actions personally. I listen when they want to share and offer encouragement and support if needed. I also try to remember that I am not their saviour/sponsor. I can support, but I cannot fix/control/cure their problems for them. I am not that powerful.
I think you are wise to take things one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 193
By all means I'm not saying you HAVE to leave... I'm am certainly NOT the person to give that advice (25 years and counting with A) 
So I'll pass on some wisdom that I gained yesterday. It was visting day at Rehab... Visitors must attend a mandatory one hour session beforehand.
The director who spoke to us said that there is Help that Helps & Help that Hurts....
Help that hurts is rushing to put the pillow beneath his butt before he lands on it. Help that helps is allowing him to land, hard, and feel the hurt.
Seems harsh right? Wrong... the best way to support an A is to gain your own footing and allow them to feel the consequences of their actions. If you had someone there by your side saving you, cushioning the tough times, doing things for you that you were perfectly capable of doing for yourself.. why change at all?!
So I'll pass on some wisdom that I gained yesterday. It was visting day at Rehab... Visitors must attend a mandatory one hour session beforehand.
The director who spoke to us said that there is Help that Helps & Help that Hurts....
Help that hurts is rushing to put the pillow beneath his butt before he lands on it. Help that helps is allowing him to land, hard, and feel the hurt.
Seems harsh right? Wrong... the best way to support an A is to gain your own footing and allow them to feel the consequences of their actions. If you had someone there by your side saving you, cushioning the tough times, doing things for you that you were perfectly capable of doing for yourself.. why change at all?!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
There really is nothing you can do. I know it's hard to hear that, but it's the truth. That doesn't have to mean leaving, it just means staying out of his business.
I posted on another thread a few days ago something my therapist said to me. I was saying "what if he wants to get sober? I want to be there for him. I want to help him." She said "that's your ego speaking. He doesn't need your help. He needs AA."
L
I posted on another thread a few days ago something my therapist said to me. I was saying "what if he wants to get sober? I want to be there for him. I want to help him." She said "that's your ego speaking. He doesn't need your help. He needs AA."
L
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by Leslie013
I have heard ABF say many times he needs to quit drinking, he is going to quit drinking, yet it never happens. Once again today he said he's going to quit.
I've suggested AA and he won't even consider it.
I want to believe him this time but I've heard it to many times in the past.
I just want to support his efforts if he's serious..just unsure how to go about it or what to say or do.
I've suggested AA and he won't even consider it.
I want to believe him this time but I've heard it to many times in the past.
I just want to support his efforts if he's serious..just unsure how to go about it or what to say or do.
Look at your words.
He has been all talk.
What is different now?
You say you care about his actions more than words, but what I hear you saying is no action and all talk.
I know you want to support his efforts, but if there are no efforts, there is nothing to support.
Of course we can stand by our partners in recovery. But when we want to support our partner's recovery when THEY do not want to recover, that's when we have a problem. We are living in fantasy land at that point.
I remember arguing, "But what about success stories? What about partnerships that are successful? What about alcoholics that DO recover??"
The reply was, "Uhh, last time I checked, your partner was not even admitting there was a problem."
Shucks! That's true!
So you can stand by him, but know if he is talking the talk without walking the walk, you are standing by him being an alcoholic, not standing by him in recovery.
If he is going to get help, he will do it because he feels he needs to - not because you are standing by him.
Hugs
w
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker
I am not saying you should leave.
Look at your words.
He has been all talk.
What is different now?
Look at your words.
He has been all talk.
What is different now?
Hi wifeofadrinker, thank you for your reply, sorry this has taken so long. I have several thoughts on the question quoted above.
The difference now is not with him but with me. In the past I wouldn't of made the choice to leave or if I had left I would of been mad, this time I didn't have the anger, it was more of a disappointment. I don't know if that really matters or not.
I'm not going to make excuses for his choice, the only addiction I have is to cigarettes. I have said on numerous times I am going quitting, and yet I haven't. That doesn't mean I won't.
Maybe you can also answer this one, it seems like he has two personalities sometimes, and although they are both him, they are different...in your experience which one is the man you fell in love with? Which one is really him, the one that drinks or the one that doesn't?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Somewhere, our planet
Posts: 174
Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker
You have a partner that is all talk and no action. Is that acceptable to you?
There is nothing you can do but figure out if this is an acceptable situation for yourself.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
leslie - my ABF also has 2 very different personalities - i have read on here before that the common thought is that they are both him and you shouldn't separate them, but to me it seems like the sober one is the 'real' him as the other one only appears when he has had quite a bit to drink. I know that right now they are both part of him, but i still think that if it takes alcohol to bring out this other side, then without the alcohol he wont behave like that. I'm sure most people on here completely disagree and i probably just haven't come to the right conclusion yet, but that is how i se eit. You do stillhave to accept that both people are present at the moment, and decide if you want to be with both of them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
leslie, you handled his having that drink so well, and of course you were and still are very disappointed that it happened.
As to his having 2 personalities, and asking which of those is his real one.
I got out my books and studies on psychology, hit the web pages, alcohol sites and then asked my shrink the same question, as my RABF goes from Jeckyl to Hyde after 6 plus beers.
His answer was that who he is drunk or sober, is who he actually is.
Sober, he has various controls learned from experience, society demands, handed on beliefs etc, to act as a brake on the "wilder" side of his personality. Sober he is shy, quiet, methodical, honest and a clean freak.
Enter 6 beers and he loses his shy and quiet manner. Another few beers and HELLO Mr Party time. Suddenly he is able to chat to everyone, sing and dance and believes he is a young stud again. Later when totally off his head, he can become angry, accusing and offensive or maudlin and crying drunk.....neither very pleasant to watch.
So it seems that the alcohol uncorks the uninhibited Genie out of the bottle, but that Genie is always in him, part of his persona even when stone cold sober.
A bit like a quiet little woman who wouldn't say boo to a goose......but someone try hurting with her kids and see what is unleashed....a tigress ready to tear that someone apart.
I hope you get all you need in support and help from SR folks, reading the many stories, stickies and books, and if you get to Alanon some F2F contacts, to help you.
God bless
As to his having 2 personalities, and asking which of those is his real one.
I got out my books and studies on psychology, hit the web pages, alcohol sites and then asked my shrink the same question, as my RABF goes from Jeckyl to Hyde after 6 plus beers.
His answer was that who he is drunk or sober, is who he actually is.
Sober, he has various controls learned from experience, society demands, handed on beliefs etc, to act as a brake on the "wilder" side of his personality. Sober he is shy, quiet, methodical, honest and a clean freak.
Enter 6 beers and he loses his shy and quiet manner. Another few beers and HELLO Mr Party time. Suddenly he is able to chat to everyone, sing and dance and believes he is a young stud again. Later when totally off his head, he can become angry, accusing and offensive or maudlin and crying drunk.....neither very pleasant to watch.
So it seems that the alcohol uncorks the uninhibited Genie out of the bottle, but that Genie is always in him, part of his persona even when stone cold sober.
A bit like a quiet little woman who wouldn't say boo to a goose......but someone try hurting with her kids and see what is unleashed....a tigress ready to tear that someone apart.
I hope you get all you need in support and help from SR folks, reading the many stories, stickies and books, and if you get to Alanon some F2F contacts, to help you.
God bless
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