Why Have Compassion for an Alcoholic?
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Why Have Compassion for an Alcoholic?
Why have compassion for an alcoholic? I saw this question posed on the top of the forum this evening and thought I'd share my thoughts on this topic since it was difficult for me to let go of my anger and find compassion for my boyfriend, Richard.
Richard was my boyfriend for nearly 25 years. For many of those years he was a kind, loving, caring, reliable, responsible, and respectful partner. He drank socially at first, gradually increasing the amount he drank over time, and his dependence on alcohol seemed to develop rather slowly. It took me a long time to realize that he was losing control over his drinking.
Despite his growing dependence on alcohol, he remained a kind and caring partner. The breaking point for me came when his long-term abuse of alcohol began to have severe consequences on his health. That's when I became concerned and began urging him to seek help from AA, his doctor, and addiction specialists. But in Richard's mind, he didn't have a problem. Alcohol wasn't the enemy, it was his friend. Though I didn't understand this for quite a long while, it helped him cope with life. For some reason he simply couldn't function without it.
Each person is unique. Each person has a different emotional and physiological make-up. Each person's life experiences are unique. I don't know why Richard couldn't cope with daily living without alcohol, I'm sure there were many details in his life that he chose not to share with me. Some words are just too painful to speak. Some experiences too painful to share. I believe that some people are just too fragile for this world.
I stayed with Richard until nearly the end of his drinking days--something I do not recommend that others attempt to do. The pain of watching someone I loved succumb to alcoholism was nearly more than I could bear. So in his last, most desperate days I turned my back on him and walked away.
Sometimes I feel guilty for leaving him in his darkest hours, but ultimately I had to save myself. Alcoholism is an insidious illness. It affects everyone in the family. It had a devastating effect on my daughter and devastating effects on my health.
Initially my anger towards Richard's unwillingness to stop drinking was through the roof. I blamed him for the stress in my life, my health problems, my unhappiness, my frustration over his refusal to get help. But then I realized that he was not hurting me on purpose. His drinking was not about me. It was about him trying cope with life and keep things together while hanging on by a thread. I couldn't understand why he simply couldn't stop drinking. He just couldn't. To a non drinker like me, making a choice to stop drinking seems like such a simple thing to do. But alcohol was Richard's lifeline and the substance that ultimately took his life.
I think it's important for me to stress that while I chose to stay with Richard until nearly the end of his life, nobody forced me to stay with him. Nobody forced me to take over his responsibilities that he could no longer carry out. These were choices I made on a daily basis. There were plenty of alternative choices I could have made, like end the relationship the moment alcohol became the center of his life. So looking back now, whom should I have been angry with? A man who was spiritually, emotionally, and physically ill or myself for my own refusal to change? It was much harder for me to look inward at myself and make the necessary changes than it was to blame my problems on Richard.
So, why have compassion? Because the majority of alcoholics are not able to make the choice to stop drinking. Without treatment, alcoholism in a terminal illness. Is it Richard's fault that one day he crossed the line from a social drinker to an alcoholic? That he made a wrong turn and wasn't able to find his way home? I think in his case it was simply too great an obstacle for him to overcome. He did try.
Richard came to me in a dream last night, as he often does. I was just waking up and he leaned over me and gave me gentle, soft kisses on the mouth. Whisper soft kisses, really. I opened my eyes and there he was standing over me, the Richard I knew when he was young, and strong, and free of the bonds of alcoholism. And while in the late stages of his illness, he looked and acted like an empty shell of a man, last night's dream helped me remember that no matter how far along he was in his disease, there was a human behind the disease.
Anger is a good thing if it serves as a call to action, but compassion is what set me free.
Richard was my boyfriend for nearly 25 years. For many of those years he was a kind, loving, caring, reliable, responsible, and respectful partner. He drank socially at first, gradually increasing the amount he drank over time, and his dependence on alcohol seemed to develop rather slowly. It took me a long time to realize that he was losing control over his drinking.
Despite his growing dependence on alcohol, he remained a kind and caring partner. The breaking point for me came when his long-term abuse of alcohol began to have severe consequences on his health. That's when I became concerned and began urging him to seek help from AA, his doctor, and addiction specialists. But in Richard's mind, he didn't have a problem. Alcohol wasn't the enemy, it was his friend. Though I didn't understand this for quite a long while, it helped him cope with life. For some reason he simply couldn't function without it.
Each person is unique. Each person has a different emotional and physiological make-up. Each person's life experiences are unique. I don't know why Richard couldn't cope with daily living without alcohol, I'm sure there were many details in his life that he chose not to share with me. Some words are just too painful to speak. Some experiences too painful to share. I believe that some people are just too fragile for this world.
I stayed with Richard until nearly the end of his drinking days--something I do not recommend that others attempt to do. The pain of watching someone I loved succumb to alcoholism was nearly more than I could bear. So in his last, most desperate days I turned my back on him and walked away.
Sometimes I feel guilty for leaving him in his darkest hours, but ultimately I had to save myself. Alcoholism is an insidious illness. It affects everyone in the family. It had a devastating effect on my daughter and devastating effects on my health.
Initially my anger towards Richard's unwillingness to stop drinking was through the roof. I blamed him for the stress in my life, my health problems, my unhappiness, my frustration over his refusal to get help. But then I realized that he was not hurting me on purpose. His drinking was not about me. It was about him trying cope with life and keep things together while hanging on by a thread. I couldn't understand why he simply couldn't stop drinking. He just couldn't. To a non drinker like me, making a choice to stop drinking seems like such a simple thing to do. But alcohol was Richard's lifeline and the substance that ultimately took his life.
I think it's important for me to stress that while I chose to stay with Richard until nearly the end of his life, nobody forced me to stay with him. Nobody forced me to take over his responsibilities that he could no longer carry out. These were choices I made on a daily basis. There were plenty of alternative choices I could have made, like end the relationship the moment alcohol became the center of his life. So looking back now, whom should I have been angry with? A man who was spiritually, emotionally, and physically ill or myself for my own refusal to change? It was much harder for me to look inward at myself and make the necessary changes than it was to blame my problems on Richard.
So, why have compassion? Because the majority of alcoholics are not able to make the choice to stop drinking. Without treatment, alcoholism in a terminal illness. Is it Richard's fault that one day he crossed the line from a social drinker to an alcoholic? That he made a wrong turn and wasn't able to find his way home? I think in his case it was simply too great an obstacle for him to overcome. He did try.
Richard came to me in a dream last night, as he often does. I was just waking up and he leaned over me and gave me gentle, soft kisses on the mouth. Whisper soft kisses, really. I opened my eyes and there he was standing over me, the Richard I knew when he was young, and strong, and free of the bonds of alcoholism. And while in the late stages of his illness, he looked and acted like an empty shell of a man, last night's dream helped me remember that no matter how far along he was in his disease, there was a human behind the disease.
Anger is a good thing if it serves as a call to action, but compassion is what set me free.
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Originally Posted by FormerDoormat 
Without treatment, alcoholism in a terminal illness.
This is where I am stuck. They know that there is help, but don't ask for it. To me, that is selfish and I can't understand it.
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Lovely post. Thank you for sharing.
Anger does hold us resistant to change I feel.
thats the thing isn't it??. Its not a deliberate ploy to hurt damage or taunt us. It just is waht it is. Their problem. How much we choose to live with is our decision.
Anger does hold us resistant to change I feel.
Initially my anger towards Richard's unwillingness to stop drinking was through the roof. I blamed him for the stress in my life, my health problems, my unhappiness, my frustration over his refusal to get help. But then I realized that he was not hurting me on purpose. His drinking was not about me. It was about him trying cope with life and keep things together while hanging on by a thread. I couldn't understand why he simply couldn't stop drinking. He just couldn't. To a non drinker like me, making a choice to stop drinking seems like such a simple thing to do. But alcohol was Richard's lifeline and the substance that ultimately took his life.
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SBH,
It's not yours to understand, it's his. Compassion does not have to equal action. It's an inner peace, a non-judgmental attitude. I have compassion for my XAH, I have compassion for other alcoholics out there. It doesn't mean I have to DO something about THEIR problems. It simply means I have let the anger and judgment go so that I can be at peace. It FEELS like they're doing it TO us, but really they're just doing it. We can stand there and take it, or get out of the way. Makes no difference to their disease.
I do understand where you're at, however. I had to process a big, huge, giant mountain of anger and rage to get to this point. It doesn't happen overnight.
L
P.S. Hiya FD! Long time no 'see.'
It's not yours to understand, it's his. Compassion does not have to equal action. It's an inner peace, a non-judgmental attitude. I have compassion for my XAH, I have compassion for other alcoholics out there. It doesn't mean I have to DO something about THEIR problems. It simply means I have let the anger and judgment go so that I can be at peace. It FEELS like they're doing it TO us, but really they're just doing it. We can stand there and take it, or get out of the way. Makes no difference to their disease.
I do understand where you're at, however. I had to process a big, huge, giant mountain of anger and rage to get to this point. It doesn't happen overnight.
L
P.S. Hiya FD! Long time no 'see.'
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Originally Posted by Bucyn
To me, compassion is cheapened when it is extended to the perpetrator.
How can you "cheapen" compassion? It's not as if it has a monetary value. I wonder what Mother Teresa would have thought about this concept.
L
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 35
I first started reading F&F in late 2007. It was Former Doormat's story that kept me coming back again and again. If you haven't read it, it's worth taking the time to trace the process she went through to arrive at compassion. I hope it isn't presumptuous of me to say that she had a lot of anger along the way. I remember thinking at first, "wow, this woman is tough. unyielding. even her name." I cried when I read this post. No matter what happens to me next, I hope I somehow find the peace that radiates from it. A quote comes to mind: The peace that passeth understanding.
Two things happened last night during the conversation in which I decided to separate and take a cooling off period from my ABF after he got a DUI. The first featured me yelling at him, "YOU...are...an...ALCOHOLIC," because he's denied it for so long and I finally had proof that I was right. The second was the last thing I said to him: "You take care of yourself. You have a long road ahead of you. Goodbye." Then, silence.
The struggle since then has been with myself. I want to think about him all the time. I hope he's OK. Boy, I really showed him, didn't I? Cycling around like a cheap cassette player on rewind, punctuated by "OK, lc, focus on yourself." I've had to say it about 100 times today.
What I got from this is that whether I'm angry or concerned, I'm still engaged. When I have compassion, I have detachment, and ultimately, peace. Not to say that anger is wrong--it's my lifeline to let me know when my boundaries are being violated. But it can become a tape loop and a way of staying stuck, and for me that stuck place is like hell. Everything's on fire, roaring and burning up. Including me.
Peace has been an unfamiliar feeling in the five years I've been in my relationship. I even believed at times that it's for wimps. As I get distance, it's become intriguing again.
I hope this helps. FD, I'm glad you stopped in again, and I hope you're well.
Two things happened last night during the conversation in which I decided to separate and take a cooling off period from my ABF after he got a DUI. The first featured me yelling at him, "YOU...are...an...ALCOHOLIC," because he's denied it for so long and I finally had proof that I was right. The second was the last thing I said to him: "You take care of yourself. You have a long road ahead of you. Goodbye." Then, silence.
The struggle since then has been with myself. I want to think about him all the time. I hope he's OK. Boy, I really showed him, didn't I? Cycling around like a cheap cassette player on rewind, punctuated by "OK, lc, focus on yourself." I've had to say it about 100 times today.
What I got from this is that whether I'm angry or concerned, I'm still engaged. When I have compassion, I have detachment, and ultimately, peace. Not to say that anger is wrong--it's my lifeline to let me know when my boundaries are being violated. But it can become a tape loop and a way of staying stuck, and for me that stuck place is like hell. Everything's on fire, roaring and burning up. Including me.
Peace has been an unfamiliar feeling in the five years I've been in my relationship. I even believed at times that it's for wimps. As I get distance, it's become intriguing again.
I hope this helps. FD, I'm glad you stopped in again, and I hope you're well.
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I want to thank you, FB, for your post. You articulated so well a beautiful concept.
You have a way with words.
Not to try and start a debate, but the Bible was mentioned. There are an awful lot of one-liners in that very thick book, and the ones I cherish and try and live by, were spoken by Jesus. Some of the people throughout history that we have placed on pedestals, by their deeds and words - Martin Luther King Jr, Nelson Mandela, Ghandi, M.Theresa - have modeled kindness, love, peace, and forgiveness.
You have a way with words.
Not to try and start a debate, but the Bible was mentioned. There are an awful lot of one-liners in that very thick book, and the ones I cherish and try and live by, were spoken by Jesus. Some of the people throughout history that we have placed on pedestals, by their deeds and words - Martin Luther King Jr, Nelson Mandela, Ghandi, M.Theresa - have modeled kindness, love, peace, and forgiveness.
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" no matter how far along in his disease, there was a human behind the disease "
"Compassion does not have to = action. It's an inner peace, a non-judgmental attitude"
The only thing I can add is this:
Our loved ones need love and compassion, especially when they are their sickest.
Anger and judgment does not serve them or us.
"Compassion does not have to = action. It's an inner peace, a non-judgmental attitude"
The only thing I can add is this:
Our loved ones need love and compassion, especially when they are their sickest.
Anger and judgment does not serve them or us.
Nonexistent Willpower
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Thanks for sharing FD. That may be the best all-in-one post I've ever read on SR. You sure seem to have a keen understanding of both sides of the disease.
I'm also constantly amuzed by what Bucyn's points out. Why is it some alcoholics seek help, and others struggle to the bitter end? And even of those that do seek help, very few are actually willing (or capable) of following through with the process? I don't know if it's stubborness or a lack of faith, or what it is. But I do believe what the AA book says:
And then:
So yes I too personally feel compassion for the truly hopeless chronic alcoholic, and those lives he touches. It seems many also loose the power to reach out for help. If they could they would. The reality is they don't because the needed strength is not there, for whatever reasons. We can kick it around all day and say everyone has a fair chance, but the facts prove thousands of people die alcoholic deaths every day. Bottom line. Did they all "choose" to? I don't think so. Cunning, baffling, powerful.
I certainly can't be mad at someone for something they, nor I, have zero control over.
And I'm most grateful for people like you that have helped me get to this point.
I'm also constantly amuzed by what Bucyn's points out. Why is it some alcoholics seek help, and others struggle to the bitter end? And even of those that do seek help, very few are actually willing (or capable) of following through with the process? I don't know if it's stubborness or a lack of faith, or what it is. But I do believe what the AA book says:
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. We are without defense against the first drink.
An illness of this sort - and we have come to believe it an illness - involves those about us in a way no other human sickness can. If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt. But not so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes annihilation of all the things worth while in life. It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer's. It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents - anyone can increase the list.
I certainly can't be mad at someone for something they, nor I, have zero control over.
And I'm most grateful for people like you that have helped me get to this point.
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Easy does it people. We are all on the same side here, the side of recovery. So please keep the discussion respectful and on topic. Please no talking about each other, or each others opinion. There's a lot of raw emotions involved in this subject so kindly be kind.
Mike
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Mike
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its all a process. being angry at the behaviour and failure to seek help of someone you are living with, who is not fulfilling their side of the partnership bargain is entirely normal and a part of the grieving process (and yes I know it is all about expectations) but it is a stage that has to be gone through and felt.
I found all of this confusing, I am told to feel my emotions that there is no judgement to them, yet I understand from what I read that compassion is a desirable feeling, that anger keeps others stuck (and yes I understand that people are sharing their emotions and experiences, not commenting on mine).
when people spoke about compassion for the alcoholic in desirable ways, I used to feel that I *should* feel compassionate, that if I didn't I was being cruel, and less evolved.
some days I would feel compassion, other days not a drop, I was being bombed daily with alcoholic abusive behaviours and there was me striving for "compassion" in situations that whilst mother theresa may have coped with zen-like inner peace, but that I was sorely ill-equipped to deal with.
As far as I am aware, there is no "appropriate" amount or length of time that we should experience anger, there is just a point that it becomes unhelpful to us personally, and we alone get to decide what is helpful to us, no?
so compassion, as LTD said on the other thread, for myself first. it doesn't require action, and as such does nothing for those we feel compassion for or about. So if I feel it, if it is helpful to me and my happiness: absolutely, but if I don't that is entirely appropriate and fine too.
It maybe that I need to feel that anger, to spur me into an action that will stop me living in an insane situation.
personally, I was far more able to feel compassion when I wasn't living with daily trauma.
Right now I'm trying to negotiate a divorce process. My tbxah is behaving abismally, this is entirely expected. I am not engaging on any level with his madness but my compassion, although still intact as an intellectual concept is taking a back seat to right now, because it is not the tool I most need to look after myself and my children.
self first
I found all of this confusing, I am told to feel my emotions that there is no judgement to them, yet I understand from what I read that compassion is a desirable feeling, that anger keeps others stuck (and yes I understand that people are sharing their emotions and experiences, not commenting on mine).
when people spoke about compassion for the alcoholic in desirable ways, I used to feel that I *should* feel compassionate, that if I didn't I was being cruel, and less evolved.
some days I would feel compassion, other days not a drop, I was being bombed daily with alcoholic abusive behaviours and there was me striving for "compassion" in situations that whilst mother theresa may have coped with zen-like inner peace, but that I was sorely ill-equipped to deal with.
As far as I am aware, there is no "appropriate" amount or length of time that we should experience anger, there is just a point that it becomes unhelpful to us personally, and we alone get to decide what is helpful to us, no?
so compassion, as LTD said on the other thread, for myself first. it doesn't require action, and as such does nothing for those we feel compassion for or about. So if I feel it, if it is helpful to me and my happiness: absolutely, but if I don't that is entirely appropriate and fine too.
It maybe that I need to feel that anger, to spur me into an action that will stop me living in an insane situation.
personally, I was far more able to feel compassion when I wasn't living with daily trauma.
Right now I'm trying to negotiate a divorce process. My tbxah is behaving abismally, this is entirely expected. I am not engaging on any level with his madness but my compassion, although still intact as an intellectual concept is taking a back seat to right now, because it is not the tool I most need to look after myself and my children.
self first
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As a recovered person, I have to say that it is very very difficult to stop. Stopping is only a choice early early on, in the middle to latter stages of addiction it is not something a person willingly has control to do. Also addiction is a very personal illness, it's not something I ever did to try to control or manipulate or hurt another person. It may seem selfish from another's viewpoint but it was never aimed at that person. Instead of me trying to control other's I just tried to adjust myself by using my drug to modulate how I reacted to other people. I was always calm, always on top of things until things started to spiral down. It starts out innocent but becomes a beast and my mind wanted me to stop but my body and my emotions were shooting down all messages that said this whole thing needs to stop.
I don't know if it can ever be understood unless experienced and that is something I don't recommend because there is no guarantee on getting back or coming back.
The OP's post was beautiful, absolutely and I admire her for her compassion. Thank you for sharing that.
I don't know if it can ever be understood unless experienced and that is something I don't recommend because there is no guarantee on getting back or coming back.
The OP's post was beautiful, absolutely and I admire her for her compassion. Thank you for sharing that.
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I know that I can only feel compassion for XAH now that I no longer have any contact with him at all. I did have 'moments' of compassion when I was living with him and had started learning about alcoholism and codependancy. Now that he is no longer around I can look back and actually feel a little sorry for him.
FD - it really is lovely to 'see' you again! :ghug3
FD - it really is lovely to 'see' you again! :ghug3
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I was reading and posting frequently at the time Jills story unfolded and it touched me deeply how well she did at separating the addiction from the person. I, like Jill, had an unrelenting conviction that Mels addiction would be terminal and it was just a matter of time. Like Jill I also chose to end the relationship and not sit in a front row seat and watch such a painful process. Having once struggled with a cocaine addiction myself years ago I was not judgmental about Mels addiction, but at the same time that didn't make it any easier to live with her during the worst of times. For me compassion came and went as anger and hurt took hold at times. But in the end compassion has a funny way of returning after all the pain and grief has been processed. For that I'm grateful.
Great post Jill, glad to see you
Great post Jill, glad to see you
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Originally Posted by Stereosteveo
Why is it some alcoholics seek help, and others struggle to the bitter end? And even of those that do seek help, very few are actually willing (or capable) of following through with the process?
That has from time to time caused me to be frustrated, a little angry.
But it reminds me that it is a disease of such shame. I think about the two men I have loved, who are chemically dependent, and how they were treated when they were young and so vulnerable. And this causes me to feel true compassion.
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As I work my way through the grief and anger of my XABF's addictions and the end of our relationship, I too, have moments of true compassion for him. Eventually, I hope that is all I will feel for him; after all, his life has been one long mess and no doubt, it will worsen. I feel for our son who hasn't seen his father now for five months (his father's decision), but at the same time I think he is better off out of the world of addicts and their behaviour. I tell him that dad loves him but is ill, and one day when he is bigger he can go and see him. It is a terrible illness; nobody chooses to have it. FD's post touched me heart when I read it; it is beautiful and shows real recovery. Thanks FD.
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Originally Posted by lc2846
What I got from this is that whether I'm angry or concerned, I'm still engaged. When I have compassion, I have detachment, and ultimately, peace. Not to say that anger is wrong--it's my lifeline to let me know when my boundaries are being violated. But it can become a tape loop and a way of staying stuck, and for me that stuck place is like hell. Everything's on fire, roaring and burning up. Including me.
Additionally, whatever I practice, whether it's anger or compassion, that's what I end up being able to feel towards myself as well.
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I suppose it depends on the individual and what led them to alcoholism, but I find my compassion comes from knowing the history of my A.
His traumatic early life has led to a fear/panic reaction when faced with some of life's stressfull events, which in turn leads to the drinking as a place to hide/coping mechanism.
Sometimes I see sadness and fatigue in his eyes; tired of fighting so hard, and still not totally suceeding in fightin all the demons in his mind. I know he just wants 'normal' happiness, but somehow he can't escape the maze in his mind.
His traumatic early life has led to a fear/panic reaction when faced with some of life's stressfull events, which in turn leads to the drinking as a place to hide/coping mechanism.
Sometimes I see sadness and fatigue in his eyes; tired of fighting so hard, and still not totally suceeding in fightin all the demons in his mind. I know he just wants 'normal' happiness, but somehow he can't escape the maze in his mind.
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