Need to vent - help me to not engage
 

I just saw that my AH has been looking at pages on the internet entitled - Whether to Leave or Stay with a Bipolar Spouse, When You Don't Find Your Obese Spouse Attractive, Obesity Affects Sex Life, How to Lose Weight.

I am furious. How dare he. I am in pieces, I can't stand it.

That is really painful; i am sorry. No advice on how to not engage though, i keep engaging even when i know i shouldn't. Make a call? Take a walk? Go to your car and pretend you are screaming at him, get it all out? Those are things I do that sometimes (but not always) help me.

The hardest lesson to learn from that, my dear, is not to look at his computer stuff. What he thinks about you doesn't matter. What matters is the strong, wonderful, beautiful woman who you are.

He's trying to find stuff to blame shift. He'll find a few key items and use them as ammo when you bring up the real issue, which is his addiction. This is a classic example of the insanity we all suffer with from our A's.

It's difficult, but my suggestion is to let it go. Take care of YOU. You're worth it! He's just a drunk. Don't pay any attention.

HUGS!
Tigg

I actually wasn't snooping...
 

Google Chrome front page lists the recent tabs, so it was right there in my face :(

I love Google Chrome. But I can see how this could be a serious disadvantage. Still, the rest of what I suggested I hope will help.

And dear, I wasn't accusing. I'm sorry if you thought so. It's just that I've been there. Sorry!

sadbut,

how painful! i see this clearly as someone who would rather be the one to struggle with, and ultimately make the decision, to leave YOU, before you can leave HIM.

if he acts as though he is unhappy with you cuz you're overweight, crabby, have zits, or can't cook a good pot roast, it's an illusion that he's in the driver's seat and it's not about his addiction.

just try to be thick-skinned, realizing that he is DELUSIONAL. it comes with the territory.

He is trying to take the focus of him and put it on you. Keep the focus on you and think to yourself, maybe he should be searching some sites like, Alcoholism and how to treat it or How do I get help for my serious drinking problem.

You've been through so much lately. When I lived with AH, at the end, I spent almost all of my time in this state; furious at his every word. As Danny DeVito said in "Ruthless People," I hated the way he licked stamps.

The only thing that worked was to step away from him, get to a quiet place within myself so I could have inner peace and stop engaging.

I took vacations, I spent the night at my cousins house, I relished when he was at work. But until I moved out, I didn't experience actual relief. I don't know if I could have, had I found this place first, used detachment. Others might be able to detach with love while living with a practicing A, I don't think I could.

How about a meeting? Or a brisk walk?

I think JackRussellGirl has the right idea. Maybe it's a little spiteful, but you should go on a few sites about alcoholism so the next time he goes online he can see what you've been looking at! :tapping

My husband was well-versed in my fears and insecurities. He used them against me every time he felt threatened by me. It's a power struggle. I found the only way to win was to stop playing. I also needed to work with a therapist to tackle my fears and insecurities so I could stop giving my power away--to him or anyone else.

L

Edit to add: Starflier, we were posting at the same time. Engaging in the power struggle and trying to 'win' is also a choice. I did that, too, for a long time. I never won. I only got crazier and more unhappy.

I don't have google chrome: is this an obvious feature, you know, one he would know about? he would know that it would be right there in your face when you logged in?

then I'd bet my bottom dollar that this isn't what he is thinking about or feeling. You're changing the way you react to him and he's feeling off balance.....

.....open up the computer....

....and suddenly this is not about his drinking and pot growing but about your issues, maybe playing into any abandonment issues you have, not that he directly says that to you, that would be something you could call him on, and spell out the cruelty of it. But instead leaves "evidence" in plain sight. I hope you're not buying into this, honey, it's a trap, a move in a game.

ooooooohhhhh. What is google chrome? I thought I was savvy but this is new to me!

this finding of yours is one of the Jedi moves of addiction. If I had a quarter for everytime my A kicked my arse to the curb and out, I'd be living in Bora Bora!

Whether to Leave or Stay with a Bipolar Spouse, When You Don't Find Your Obese Spouse Attractive, Obesity Affects Sex Life, How to Lose Weight

Wow. Those addicts really know how to suck the spirit out of a person. I can't even call this a skill. It's just evil and spiteful. I agree with the other posters to maybe leave a google chrome in your A's path for rehabs?

He may blame you for all his ills. At the very least he's focusing on you and your faults rather than his own and both sides do it.

It's the same for me in that for the first eight years of my relationship with XABF I Googled alot about how to interest him romantically, his loss of libido, his drinking issues, what men find desirable in a woman, even how to cook that perfect pot roast. Him, him, him.

Finally when I got sick of being a morbidly obese smoker who took better care of the household garbage than I did myself, I started Googling about setting goals to eat better, live better, quit smoking, exercise, and what boosted my libido instead of his. Me, me, me.

As I started to make changes in myself physically I started looking into my emotional health and how to cope in life (instead of how to help him cope with me). That led me here, lwhich ed me to Al-Anon, and which led me to my new happier and healthier life.

I know it hurts to read those things. Just as it would hurt and anger him to read on the screen if you search about his addiction and related behaviors.

Until you both shift your focus on your own selves and work on your own recovery independently, you will continue to hurt one another.

I offer you hugs. You'll get past this, I have faith you will.

Alice

He is a "lovely" chap isn't he? Able to see the speck in your eye, but not the log of wood in his own. (borrowing from the Bible) The perfect man stuck with an imperfect partner, my heart bleeds for him, NOT.

Keep repeating to yourself, "what does he know? Answer is NOTHING.

Could go into a repeat of all that has been said here and in other threads, but found the following and it says it all for me.

God bless

http://i532.photobucket.com/albums/e...sty/denial.jpg

Oh no, I didn't think so:)

Yes.

Thanks. I have started to work on myself and feeling good about it.

BTW I couldn't keep my mouth shut LOL!!! I just heard the words coming out of my mouth and I didn't want them too, but there they were. I asked him if he left the pages there (oh, some of them were even open tabs) to wind me up. He said that since I suggested working on some of our other issues that he was doing that.

I do think that it is manipulative behavior. These may be big problems that I have, but at least I admit them and work on them!

what a cowardly way to strike out.

I agree with LateeDah... we can't lose a game we're not playing.

*comfort hug*

These may be big problems that I have, but at least I admit them and work on them!

This is called owning your own BS. :)

I remember the time when I started owning by own BS. I felt empowered, independent, and vindicated. No matter was nonsense XABF was throwing my way, I new my side of the street was in the best shape I could keep it at the time.

Was I overweight, sure, but I was working hard at changing that. (By the time we split I was down to the same weight I was when we met. I thought it was poetic in some way.) Was I still having health issues, sure, but they were fading away. Was I still codependent, oh yes, but in recovery I was learning the tools to keep that in check.

Last I spoke to him (gosh 4 mos ago now) he was still drinking and still not owning his own BS. Me, I work on my BS every day, honey, and I'm worth the effort!!

Alice