PuzzledinTX

Hi all,

It's been awhile since I last posted. My alcoholic dad's health has been taking quite an ill turn and I'm really hoping this may be the wakeup call he needs.

Dealing with his drunken behavior has had its toll on me over the years, and certain things that happen remind me of his rantings. This may sound stupid, but one of those trigger points for me is someone whom I interact with all the time (outside of work) insisting on using my full first name instead of my preferred nickname. I'll get to why that is in just a second. Maybe I'm being a big baby or too anal, but it really bugs me that a few of my friends refuse to accommodate my preferences.

When my dad would go on one of his drunken tirades, it was often accompanied by smearing my mother and other family members with vicious lies, or worse, gory details about stuff he saw in Vietnam. When he got on one of his Vietnam kicks, he would usually be so drunk that he'd forget something he'd literally told me just a minute or so ago. This included using my name 4 or 5 times in the same sentence because he was so muddled up. I was about 18 when this nonsense kicked in, and it's been 10 years since I left home, but it still bugs me.

After I'd moved away from home, I started preferring to go by my nickname. It sounds weird, but I see this as part of shaping my own unique identity that's distinct from the person I was back home. The person I was when I was still going by my first name isn't someone I like to remember being.

So, am I off my rocker for becoming mildly irritated when a friend insists on calling me by my non-preferred name?

FindingPeace1

IMHO, no. People mix up my name all the time. A friend? No. A person that does not respect your chosen name is not a friend. Sorry.
w

PuzzledinTX

I'm glad to know I'm not totally off my rocker. Part of the baggage I've inherited from living under the same roof as an alkie is being much too non-confrontational. I've never had anyone flat-out tell me they'd never use my nickname, but they just keep using my first name even though they know I'm called something else. Maybe I need to be more blunt and just flat-out tell people "Please don't call me that!" instead of "Hey, everyone else calls me..."
If someone would be so petty as to take offense at that point, who needs the aggravation?

TakingCharge999

Puzzled, I wouldnt even ask for the Nth time. Can you stop talking to them? if people need for me to be angry to listen to me or take me seriously....... that is a red flag.... I'm learning to realize that...

TakingCharge999

And no I dont think its dumb, triggers are very real and you dont need constant stress. Supposedly, friends HELP you?

JenT1968

ever-the-codie-me might choose to assume that maybe they know someone else with your nickname and it helps them to differentiate in their head, or they have awful triggering memories themselves connected with someone with your nick-name? I'd ask them politely once, explain that they don't need to know why but it's really important to you that they respect using your chosen name and could they do that. If they can't, drop them.

re odd triggers, I now have one about people keeping their coats on in the house. I got very anxious about this when living with AH, would do anything to get him to take his coat off. really getting quite agitated about it, later on realised that it was a warning behaviour of a certain level of drunk, and I recognised it subconciously (hence the agitation) but not conciously (hence the nonsense of trying to make him take the coat off: cos that sobers one up doesn't it!).

Now that I know what it's about I can smile when I feel it and *poof* it vanishes.

JenT1968

LOL, I wish, this is what I'd do if I wasn't a cowardy-custard, more likely I'd skulk and pout and get resentful and then explode out-of-all-proportion one day looking like a complete loon.

but I'm not advocating that approach

FindingPeace1

It reminds me of an incident just the other day. A friend's partner and I were talking about some deep stuff and she started talking about some very uncomfortable abuse from her past. She was talking like it was neutral, but it was ugly stuff and she was not present to me or herself.
I got very uncomfortable and wanted to go away or have her stop, but had this voice in my head saying, "She's being vulnerable. You can't stop her or walk out or even interrupt. This is too vulnerable for her. That would be disrespectful...blah blah blah."
That voice was talking me away from my own feelings and needs and the possibility of a boundary to take care of myself. (What? My needs matter?)

I realized, no matter HOW uncomfortable it might be, or rude, or disrespectful, I have a right to say, "I am not present and I can't hear more of that right now." Or whatever I needed to say to take care of myself.

This idea that I can take care of my needs, even if it could be misconstrued as rude or thoughtless or selfish or uptight or weird or fill-in-the-blank is revolutionary to me.

Then my inner critic says, "Well, if you were REALLY healthy you would have been fine with those dark stories."

It makes me think about some things I was reading about our inner children and how we all have an agenda. We all have somewhere we are going and an idea of the pace we want to walk to get there. But, perhaps unbenownst to us, we are walking while holding hands with our inner children, and they walk at the pace they walk. We can drag them along with their drama ensuing, or we can walk at their pace. We can't be where we are not and we can only walk at the pace of our healthiest inner child. If s/he can't sit in the room with the abuse stories of a friend, then s/he can't. Or whatever the circumstance is.
In other words, it doesn't matter whether we probably should let it go or not. Right now, we can't let whatever it is go. We need to honor it and that's okay.

By all that I mean, who cares whether (if you were the Buddha) you COULD chill out and be called whatever name they want. Right now, you want to be called what you want to be called and that is OKAY!

Hugs,
wife

PuzzledinTX

[QUOTE=JenT1968;2500771]ever-the-codie-me might choose to assume that maybe they know someone else with your nickname and it helps them to differentiate in their head, or they have awful triggering memories themselves connected with someone with your nick-name?[/a]
I don't think it's really that so much as using my first name out of habit. It's possible, but I don't think it's likely.

I can understand that totally. Anything that's a reminder can be very stressful indeed.

ItsmeAlice

I can relate entirely! When somone uses my given name, especially a man, it makes me physically nauseous. When I was young my parents would use itif I was in trouble for something. In school when my teachers would say it, I would cringe. When I started working, if my bosses said it a certain way, my stomach would drop. And then anytime my XABF would use my given name I knew I was about to hear a verbal tirade about my shortcomings.

Some people who I don't consider friends see my discomfort and will insist on using my given name to make me uncomfortable. They get the silent treatment from me if I have to be around them. Why should I answer to a name that belongs to someone else, right?

Alice

transformyself

Triggers are what they are, and the best thing I can do with them is understand and respect them. Slowly win my power back.

No my dear, you're not crazy. You've been traumatized and your soul is working to protect you.

Dealing with and eliminating these triggers is an ongoing job. It sounds like your dad may have had PTSD from Viet Nam and living with those (untreated) folks passes the baton of horror to us.

Until I can master my triggers and overcome them, I have an arsenal of tricks to keep my safe when and if the trigger arises. You know what the trigger is. (the associate who uses your first name) have you asked them not to? In a way they can hear you?

If they still refuse, you've got someone who doesn't respect your boundary. And the trigger to deal with. I have an anti anxiety med I take in emergencies, but there are lots of ways of dealing with the trigger, learning how to help yourself until it subsides and you know you're safe.

That's the key. Knowing you're safe.

Have you done any research into how to deal with the triggers? Different things work for different folks. PM me if you want suggestions.

PuzzledinTX

That's been my experience a time or two. I really, really try to keep the explosions to a minimum, but hey, I'm part Irish

PuzzledinTX

Come to think of it, it seems to get on my last raw nerve more when the offending party is a man....

PuzzledinTX

I think he does. He was seeing a psychiatrist for awhile, but that stopped when the dr. told him some things that Dad simply didn't want to hear....

Thankfully, I talked to one of my friends about the issue, and she was totally understanding. She even apologized for any problems her use of my name may have caused. The last few non work-related holdouts are mainly a couple of family members who are elderly and totally unaccustomed to my nickname. In that case, I'm able to let it slide, since I know it can be hard for people that age to get used to new things.


One of the worst offenders for awhile was my sorta-stepdad, as I like to call him. He's basically a good guy, but does push boundaries sometimes. He had always called me strictly by my nickname, but started calling me only by my "unmentionable" name for awhile while he was going through some weird emotional thing. Apparently he thought it was too much of a kids' name and thought it was time I used my first name again. I told him in no uncertain terms that it was my name, it was not his call to decide what name I used, and he'd be ignored if he called me by my first name. Problem solved, and he now calls me by my nickname again

PuzzledinTX

I had a quick question for those of you who have names-as-triggers issues like I do: have you encountered any difficulties in getting elderly relatives to accept your preferred nicknames? It was suggested to me by someone who doesn't have this type of negative first name association I may need to let it go in their case, because they didn't think someone who's older would get used to it.

What do you guys think? I don't think there's exactly any magical threshhold age where someone can't take in new information. Besides, the person who made the suggestion wasn't the one who had to listen to the insane ranting that caused this issue in the first place.