New to Dealing with this
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Join Date: Jan 2010
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New to Dealing with this
I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half and I've only discovered recently that he has a drinking problem. I see now, how he hid it from me in the beginning. He was very clear that he had an independent life and when we first started dating we only saw each other 2 or 3 times a week. We live together now, and I started to see red flags. Then, it was pretty evident that he drank way too much and I mentioned it to him. Since then, he has cut way back. Before I mentioned it to him, he was drinking every night (2 or 3 beers, sometimes more) and then during *events* or weekends, anywhere from 9 - 20 beers. Since he cut back, he's not drinking every night and honestly I started to relax and think maybe I'd misjudged his dependency on it. But I noticed that there's still a pattern and the pattern is that if there is a reason to drink, he's doing it. People come over, he's drinking, we go to dinner, he's drinking, etc. Last week he went to a friend's house and came home nearly on his face (luckily he wasn't driving) and he continued to drink once he was home. I found him passed out in the chair a little later.
I told him the next night that I thought he had a drinking problem and that I didn't think our relationship was going to progress if continued to have alcohol in his life. He agreed and said I was right and then said, "I have a big decision to make." Since then, he's said nothing.
He is in counseling, that was his choice and a conclusion he came to. (while talking about our relationship, not drinking) I did tell me that the counselor he signed up with has alcohol abuse background.
My boyfriend is drinking a lot less and hasn't drank since the night I confronted him, but he does still drink when he hangs out with his friends. I'm going to Al-Anon next week so that I can learn what I should be doing for myself but I am curious what you guys think? Have any of you been in a simlar situation? He seems to know and realize that his life is not working for him and a lot of that discovery has been his own. He wanted to go to counseling and found someone with alcohol abuse background, but he has not said he's going to quit, only that he has a big decision to make.
I'm in my mid-30's and I want to marry and have a family but he's not in a place to do this (obviously) and I'm just afraid that if I stay and encourage him to get help, but he doesn't... well, there goes my biological clock!
Any advice from anyone?
I told him the next night that I thought he had a drinking problem and that I didn't think our relationship was going to progress if continued to have alcohol in his life. He agreed and said I was right and then said, "I have a big decision to make." Since then, he's said nothing.
He is in counseling, that was his choice and a conclusion he came to. (while talking about our relationship, not drinking) I did tell me that the counselor he signed up with has alcohol abuse background.
My boyfriend is drinking a lot less and hasn't drank since the night I confronted him, but he does still drink when he hangs out with his friends. I'm going to Al-Anon next week so that I can learn what I should be doing for myself but I am curious what you guys think? Have any of you been in a simlar situation? He seems to know and realize that his life is not working for him and a lot of that discovery has been his own. He wanted to go to counseling and found someone with alcohol abuse background, but he has not said he's going to quit, only that he has a big decision to make.
I'm in my mid-30's and I want to marry and have a family but he's not in a place to do this (obviously) and I'm just afraid that if I stay and encourage him to get help, but he doesn't... well, there goes my biological clock!
Any advice from anyone?
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Well, you probably don't want to hear this, but only time will tell. Alcoholics can recover. Will yours? No way to know.
So, it's your decision how long you want to wait. I would definitely discourage having children with him, though, until there is a lot more progress.
L
So, it's your decision how long you want to wait. I would definitely discourage having children with him, though, until there is a lot more progress.
L
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Join Date: Jan 2010
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You are right, I don't like hearing it, but it's the truth and I love truth! I also know that I'll either reach a point where I'm done and I'll move on, or he'll reach a point where he wants help and we'll work together. Of course, I hope for the latter.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
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Nice to see you at SR, elley.
I'm going to be blunt here, I'm afraid. If you are in your mid 30s and want kids, then don't hang around waiting for him to become the man you think he could be. Time limit him (you dont need to tell him this), then go out and find one that already is someone with whom you want to raise kids. If you get to 45 and he still hasn't sobered up, then the resentment stemming from what you have given up for his potential will wreck your relationship anyway. Or, you will have hoped for the best and brough some unsuspecting kids into the equation and they don't deserve that.
Sorry for the harshness, but I know a little of this.
I'm going to be blunt here, I'm afraid. If you are in your mid 30s and want kids, then don't hang around waiting for him to become the man you think he could be. Time limit him (you dont need to tell him this), then go out and find one that already is someone with whom you want to raise kids. If you get to 45 and he still hasn't sobered up, then the resentment stemming from what you have given up for his potential will wreck your relationship anyway. Or, you will have hoped for the best and brough some unsuspecting kids into the equation and they don't deserve that.
Sorry for the harshness, but I know a little of this.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Hi Elley 
Well, you are certainly correct that it will go one of 2 ways, you will reach a point where you are done and move on, or he will take control of his own life and do what he needs to do to progress.
My concern with the the reaching a point when you are done....and I have been there, but also quite often when we have reached that point we have been stripped of our self esteem, worth, drained to the point where we find it difficult to function, become depressed, isolated...and more.
Sometimes that point seems to hit before we realize it.
I know, i'm not sugar coating it. But definitely things to think about before proceeding. I wish I knew a year ago what I know now. Ahhhh hindsight.
I wish you the very best of luck!
Well, you are certainly correct that it will go one of 2 ways, you will reach a point where you are done and move on, or he will take control of his own life and do what he needs to do to progress.
My concern with the the reaching a point when you are done....and I have been there, but also quite often when we have reached that point we have been stripped of our self esteem, worth, drained to the point where we find it difficult to function, become depressed, isolated...and more.
Sometimes that point seems to hit before we realize it.
I know, i'm not sugar coating it. But definitely things to think about before proceeding. I wish I knew a year ago what I know now. Ahhhh hindsight.
I wish you the very best of luck!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Elleymae:
Welcome.
I most agree with the first poster, LaTeeDa. Of course alcoholics do recover, but the odds aren't real terrific.
This is what I'm getting from you:
You have a good amount of awareness - you sense that he has a problem and are not putting your head in the sand about it. It seems like, from your post, that you were able to have a rational conversation about it, and put it out there right away that this is not the kind of situation you wish to live with. This will serve you well, should you decide to stay for awhile and see how it goes.
HE also seems to be open, and have some honesty about this: that he may agree there's a problem, that he will seek counsel, and that he needs to think about his response. I gotta say, that sounds like some maturity.
However:
Did you not say that he had kept it fairly well hidden from you until you moved in together? (Frankly, I don't think there's anything wrong or weird about seeing each other 2 or 3 times a week)
This is what addicts do: they conduct little, and also big, dishonesties about their usage. It is sometimes not even intentional; they just don't live in the truth. They usually lie to themselves as well as others (either with words or not). They sometimes even "fool" counselors, because they themselves are not aware yet that this is an addiction.
Good for you, to go to Al-anon, and please, keep coming here as well. I think you may want to put some boundaries in place, or you may want to sit back and see how he responds, and then, how he goes forth with his sobriety. But I also think a timeline makes good sense, since then you will be less likely to be waffling, making excuses, sticking around for "one more try" at it, etc.
Welcome.
I most agree with the first poster, LaTeeDa. Of course alcoholics do recover, but the odds aren't real terrific.
This is what I'm getting from you:
You have a good amount of awareness - you sense that he has a problem and are not putting your head in the sand about it. It seems like, from your post, that you were able to have a rational conversation about it, and put it out there right away that this is not the kind of situation you wish to live with. This will serve you well, should you decide to stay for awhile and see how it goes.
HE also seems to be open, and have some honesty about this: that he may agree there's a problem, that he will seek counsel, and that he needs to think about his response. I gotta say, that sounds like some maturity.
However:
Did you not say that he had kept it fairly well hidden from you until you moved in together? (Frankly, I don't think there's anything wrong or weird about seeing each other 2 or 3 times a week)
This is what addicts do: they conduct little, and also big, dishonesties about their usage. It is sometimes not even intentional; they just don't live in the truth. They usually lie to themselves as well as others (either with words or not). They sometimes even "fool" counselors, because they themselves are not aware yet that this is an addiction.
Good for you, to go to Al-anon, and please, keep coming here as well. I think you may want to put some boundaries in place, or you may want to sit back and see how he responds, and then, how he goes forth with his sobriety. But I also think a timeline makes good sense, since then you will be less likely to be waffling, making excuses, sticking around for "one more try" at it, etc.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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People with alcoholism and addiction don't typically make good marriage partners. If you're looking for a marriage partner and someone to build a family with, I don't recommend a person who is alcoholic, especially if they haven't decided to stop. Even after a person decides to stop, they will lapse and relapse many times and still there are no guarantees that they will stay sober. And then there's all the work they need to do on themselves after getting sober, whether or not they decide to just go dry drunk, etc etc etc. Keep reading here to learn more about what is in store for you, your future and your children, if you do decide to marry this man. When I got sober and started to work on getting myself out of my relationship with an alcoholic and drug-addicted man, I kept telling myself that it is MY responsibility to protect my unborn children from alcoholism and addiction, and that meant NOT HAVING CHILDREN WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE DRUG ADDICTED OR ALCOHOLIC (ALLCAPS for emphasis, not yelling).
If I were you, I would go to Al-Anon. There is likely something in you that has drawn you into a relationship with an alcoholic and a desire to marry him in the first place. Explore codependency; a good start would be the book, "Codependent No More," by Melody Beattie.
Alternatively... run like hell.
If I were you, I would go to Al-Anon. There is likely something in you that has drawn you into a relationship with an alcoholic and a desire to marry him in the first place. Explore codependency; a good start would be the book, "Codependent No More," by Melody Beattie.
Alternatively... run like hell.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
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Thanks everyone for your replies. Your honest replies. Believe me, I have been weighing very heavily, my options. I'm not ready to leave and I can't leave until I'm ready. To the person who said that I could possibly lose my self-esteem, etc... I agree and I've done that in the past in a different relationship with someone who wasn't addicted to anything... but that issue was also that I left before I was ready and that guy was a jerk. My current boyfriend has a drinking problem, but he's not a jerk. He just drinks too much. I know that when/if I'm ready I'll feel freedom and be happy to go. (or at least I hope that's the case!)
I would also like to reply to the comment that seeing each other 2 or 3 times a week is normal. I somewhat agree with this too, but we lived 8 minutes away from each other and sometimes he'd talk on the phone with me for hours and I couldn't understand why he wasn't inviting me over. He has since admitted that it was because he was drinking and didn't want me to know that.
My main problem is that I tend to believe that he'll "come around" because he is open about it and he is admitting that he has a problem. Or at least saying I'm right when I say it. I do hope that he's open with his counselor.
I also realize that even if he does recover, he's going to be a different person, and he will fight with this the rest of his life. Normally, I would probably run like hell... but aside from the drinking he's a very good person and he's never tried to *justify* his drinking, or explain it away. He's very open and honest about why he drinks, how he feels in general, etc. If it weren't for these things, I would probably get out, but I feel that I should be giving him a chance to come around.
I also know that if I want what I want, I don't have a lot of time to give him time. So yes, I'm going to al-anon and doing what I need to do to see where my issues are and see how *I* feel after *I* get help.
Thanks again guys.
I would also like to reply to the comment that seeing each other 2 or 3 times a week is normal. I somewhat agree with this too, but we lived 8 minutes away from each other and sometimes he'd talk on the phone with me for hours and I couldn't understand why he wasn't inviting me over. He has since admitted that it was because he was drinking and didn't want me to know that.
My main problem is that I tend to believe that he'll "come around" because he is open about it and he is admitting that he has a problem. Or at least saying I'm right when I say it. I do hope that he's open with his counselor.
I also realize that even if he does recover, he's going to be a different person, and he will fight with this the rest of his life. Normally, I would probably run like hell... but aside from the drinking he's a very good person and he's never tried to *justify* his drinking, or explain it away. He's very open and honest about why he drinks, how he feels in general, etc. If it weren't for these things, I would probably get out, but I feel that I should be giving him a chance to come around.
I also know that if I want what I want, I don't have a lot of time to give him time. So yes, I'm going to al-anon and doing what I need to do to see where my issues are and see how *I* feel after *I* get help.
Thanks again guys.
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Something I am very curious about.... I've heard and read enough stories of relationships ending when the alcoholic recovers. Is there somewhere on this board with stories of that? I'd like to know a little more about that, why it happens, when it happens most, what makes the recovered person decide they can't continue a relationship with the person they were with before recovery, etc. Is there a section with those types of stories?
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I'll tell you my take on that, although my marriage started really crumbling about a year and a half after rehab.
It takes two to do this tango.
You are wired a certain way, and as such are drawn to people with certain wiring as well.
(I love the line in "Rent" that goes "I'm lookin for someone with baggage that goes with mine.")
He is wired a certain way. Right?
Even though you may say you have had relationships with non-addicts, I am always a little suspect. No, I guess they don't HAVE to be an addict, but the same dynamics will be inplace, IMO.
So, you're who you are, he's who he is, and even though there are issues and periodic conflicts, in a lot of way, it "works". (When I say this, I mean mostly in the attraction deparment.)
When one person makes a major change, that dynamic shifts. It can be either you, or it can be the other person. This is just one reason that attendance in Al-anon is so crucial! If HE'S not the same person anymore, but YOU are, there will be conflict, different than the other kinds you used to have.
I'm not gonna spell out some of the ways I think that plays out, just giving you my 2 cents worth in a brief way.
Here's what else I think:
when someone gets more healthy emotionally, and mentally, the own behavior changes. Also what they think, they way they think, of course. But what's really cool is that they no longer tolerate some of the behaviors by other people that they once would have. Their standards are raised. This makes perfect sense to me, and also I have experienced it.
I wish you the best, and caution you against changing your thinking, or your standards, if he doesn't get on the path you are wishing for! Our minds can be cunning when they play tricks on us!
It takes two to do this tango.
You are wired a certain way, and as such are drawn to people with certain wiring as well.
(I love the line in "Rent" that goes "I'm lookin for someone with baggage that goes with mine.")
He is wired a certain way. Right?
Even though you may say you have had relationships with non-addicts, I am always a little suspect. No, I guess they don't HAVE to be an addict, but the same dynamics will be inplace, IMO.
So, you're who you are, he's who he is, and even though there are issues and periodic conflicts, in a lot of way, it "works". (When I say this, I mean mostly in the attraction deparment.)
When one person makes a major change, that dynamic shifts. It can be either you, or it can be the other person. This is just one reason that attendance in Al-anon is so crucial! If HE'S not the same person anymore, but YOU are, there will be conflict, different than the other kinds you used to have.
I'm not gonna spell out some of the ways I think that plays out, just giving you my 2 cents worth in a brief way.
Here's what else I think:
when someone gets more healthy emotionally, and mentally, the own behavior changes. Also what they think, they way they think, of course. But what's really cool is that they no longer tolerate some of the behaviors by other people that they once would have. Their standards are raised. This makes perfect sense to me, and also I have experienced it.
I wish you the best, and caution you against changing your thinking, or your standards, if he doesn't get on the path you are wishing for! Our minds can be cunning when they play tricks on us!
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coffedrinker.... can I just say I like you and your outlooks. I've come across other posts you've written in reply to others as well as the posts you've written to me and I really like what you have to say. You sound like you've done a lot of learning, growing and discovering yourself.
I believe that we don't make a change until we have motivation to make a change. A lot of the time, that motivation is pain. I'll be honest and say that my motivation for changing is the feeling that he is aware enough that he's moving toward getting help and that IF he does get help, I know I need to get help too for this to work. I don't know how I know this, it seems to be some sort of instinct that we both need to get healthy (I haven't been to my al-anon meeting yet, that'll be Tuesday) I'm not sure if this is codependent behavior or not, but it's how I'm functioning right now.
Even without Al-anon, I realized that I need to work on me. I have been focussing on things I love to do, things I think will help me grow as a person, etc. I've separated myself from him when he's drinking and I don't help him when he passes out, etc. I do realize I've made mistakes by drinking with him (when we have friends for dinner, etc. But I won't be doing that anymore.) I also made a boundary and sort of broke it. Back when he was drinking a lot, the first time I mentioned that he needed to do something about that, I told him I wouldn't be around him at all and treat him like a stranger if he had more than 6 beers at any time. I also told him until I felt comfortable I wouldn't drink with him. Well, he cut back SOOOOOOO much that I thought, Wow, he's okay. He wasn't dependent, he was just over-doing it. So, I let my boundaries down. Now that I see that cutting back is his way of trying to control the addiction rather than him not having a problem in the first place, I see that I didn't stick to my boundaries. Too late to change that. I also realize another unhealthy behavior I've had, is giving more than he's giving, and I've stopped doing that as well.
What'll happen, who knows for sure. I did read in the Sticky section, the reasons why we stay and uggghhh, like 4 or 5 of those are me!!!
I believe that we don't make a change until we have motivation to make a change. A lot of the time, that motivation is pain. I'll be honest and say that my motivation for changing is the feeling that he is aware enough that he's moving toward getting help and that IF he does get help, I know I need to get help too for this to work. I don't know how I know this, it seems to be some sort of instinct that we both need to get healthy (I haven't been to my al-anon meeting yet, that'll be Tuesday) I'm not sure if this is codependent behavior or not, but it's how I'm functioning right now.
Even without Al-anon, I realized that I need to work on me. I have been focussing on things I love to do, things I think will help me grow as a person, etc. I've separated myself from him when he's drinking and I don't help him when he passes out, etc. I do realize I've made mistakes by drinking with him (when we have friends for dinner, etc. But I won't be doing that anymore.) I also made a boundary and sort of broke it. Back when he was drinking a lot, the first time I mentioned that he needed to do something about that, I told him I wouldn't be around him at all and treat him like a stranger if he had more than 6 beers at any time. I also told him until I felt comfortable I wouldn't drink with him. Well, he cut back SOOOOOOO much that I thought, Wow, he's okay. He wasn't dependent, he was just over-doing it. So, I let my boundaries down. Now that I see that cutting back is his way of trying to control the addiction rather than him not having a problem in the first place, I see that I didn't stick to my boundaries. Too late to change that. I also realize another unhealthy behavior I've had, is giving more than he's giving, and I've stopped doing that as well.
What'll happen, who knows for sure. I did read in the Sticky section, the reasons why we stay and uggghhh, like 4 or 5 of those are me!!!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Welcome!
well, do I see a lot of myself in you!
I am 36 and married to my AH. He's lovely (although my confronting him brought out the dark side!). He is NOT as communicative, but great in many regards.
Click on my name and Read More Posts to see my history here and the advice that went with it that should apply to you, too.
The #1 thing I got from my first post was DON'T HAVE KIDS WITH AN ALCOHOLIC!
LOL! Okay. Okay! I figured that out.
I have sworn off kids if my AH doesn't get help in some fashion, but he hasn't yet.
I am trying to figure out how long to wait, etc.
At 36, even if I divorced him today, with time to grieve and do self work, meet someone new, get to know them, get married, etc...I am pushing past the child bearing age. And if you are mid 30's, minus the divorce part, you are in the same boat, but with less current attachements (although perhaps no less emotional ones...)
The work we both are offered here is realizing WE picked these partners, which means we have some serious work to do to figure out what that's all about.
What that also means is if we "run away" from this situation, we are bound to recreate with a new someone and something to deal with.
Which is not to say we should stay. But that we have work to do to figure out what we are doing exactly and why.
If we want to raise healthy kids, we have to look inward to figure these things out.
We have some boundaries to set for ourselves.
What do we want?
What is acceptable and what is not?
What are we willing to and not willing to tolerate?
I'd bet you are unclear on the boundaries, as I am. And our partners can see that cuz here we are with them drinking and complaining and not taking action in one way or another.
My husband hid from the beginning, too.
So whether we like it or not, our partners are hiding (which involves lying), overdrinking, etc. Not okay behavior whether they say its a problem or not.
And not easy (for them) to fix (even if they wanted to, which neither your partner or mine has said they are committed to.
Even if your partner starts a recovery program, it is a long, hard, often ugly, road.
I asked about recovery stories, too. I was told what matters is YOUR relationship to you. Who know what will happen.
I argued, "But aren't there people successfully in recovery and some relationships that make it??!?" and I got the reply, "That assumes your partner is in recovery."
Aww, dang. That little issue. He is not.
Counseling is good, but its not recovery, either.
Think hard about who YOU are and what you want.
Stick around.
Hugs,
Wife
well, do I see a lot of myself in you!
I am 36 and married to my AH. He's lovely (although my confronting him brought out the dark side!). He is NOT as communicative, but great in many regards.
Click on my name and Read More Posts to see my history here and the advice that went with it that should apply to you, too.
The #1 thing I got from my first post was DON'T HAVE KIDS WITH AN ALCOHOLIC!
LOL! Okay. Okay! I figured that out.
I have sworn off kids if my AH doesn't get help in some fashion, but he hasn't yet.
I am trying to figure out how long to wait, etc.
At 36, even if I divorced him today, with time to grieve and do self work, meet someone new, get to know them, get married, etc...I am pushing past the child bearing age. And if you are mid 30's, minus the divorce part, you are in the same boat, but with less current attachements (although perhaps no less emotional ones...)
The work we both are offered here is realizing WE picked these partners, which means we have some serious work to do to figure out what that's all about.
What that also means is if we "run away" from this situation, we are bound to recreate with a new someone and something to deal with.
Which is not to say we should stay. But that we have work to do to figure out what we are doing exactly and why.
If we want to raise healthy kids, we have to look inward to figure these things out.
We have some boundaries to set for ourselves.
What do we want?
What is acceptable and what is not?
What are we willing to and not willing to tolerate?
I'd bet you are unclear on the boundaries, as I am. And our partners can see that cuz here we are with them drinking and complaining and not taking action in one way or another.
My husband hid from the beginning, too.
So whether we like it or not, our partners are hiding (which involves lying), overdrinking, etc. Not okay behavior whether they say its a problem or not.
And not easy (for them) to fix (even if they wanted to, which neither your partner or mine has said they are committed to.
Even if your partner starts a recovery program, it is a long, hard, often ugly, road.
I asked about recovery stories, too. I was told what matters is YOUR relationship to you. Who know what will happen.
I argued, "But aren't there people successfully in recovery and some relationships that make it??!?" and I got the reply, "That assumes your partner is in recovery."
Aww, dang. That little issue. He is not.
Counseling is good, but its not recovery, either.
Think hard about who YOU are and what you want.
Stick around.
Hugs,
Wife
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 53
Wife... I've had all of these exact thoughts you've had. Even if I did leave, I'd need time to heal and greive. After that.. is there time? Same thoughts.
I'm 34 right now. I turn 35 in July. I've considered giving until my birthday to see where things go, but then I also think, if I left now, I could be well on the road to recovery by then.
Currently I'm saving my money, just in case. And I'm working on figuring out what I want.
I know how I attracted him. I attracted him because I was desperate for a future. I had ended a relationship 3 years prior and it took me that whole 3 years to get over it. That guy did not have any addictions but came from an alcoholic family. I think he was emotionally abusive and manipulative and I tried to squeeze love from him. I *wasted* what I felt were good years with him and after 3 years of grieving that relationship I felt like, oh sh**, I'm running out of time here. I met my current boyfriend and there was a lot of good in it, so I clung to that even though I could tell *something* wasn't right. Of course, when I finally discovered his drinking problem it answered A LOT.
I also worry that if we end our relationship... and I was desperate THEN, when I met him and here I am 2 years later, how desperate am I going to be NOW????
I'm 34 right now. I turn 35 in July. I've considered giving until my birthday to see where things go, but then I also think, if I left now, I could be well on the road to recovery by then.
Currently I'm saving my money, just in case. And I'm working on figuring out what I want.
I know how I attracted him. I attracted him because I was desperate for a future. I had ended a relationship 3 years prior and it took me that whole 3 years to get over it. That guy did not have any addictions but came from an alcoholic family. I think he was emotionally abusive and manipulative and I tried to squeeze love from him. I *wasted* what I felt were good years with him and after 3 years of grieving that relationship I felt like, oh sh**, I'm running out of time here. I met my current boyfriend and there was a lot of good in it, so I clung to that even though I could tell *something* wasn't right. Of course, when I finally discovered his drinking problem it answered A LOT.
I also worry that if we end our relationship... and I was desperate THEN, when I met him and here I am 2 years later, how desperate am I going to be NOW????
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
I totally, totally get it.
The day after I found my husband's alcohol, I miscarried. So I was *SO CLOSE* to catching that dream's tail...
Where I am now is, I can't control whether I have kids. I can't make my husband be who I want. I can't know I will find the right mate next. I just can't control it. I have to let go of the attachment to it.
I am still open to kids. I just am trying to release the attachment.
Meanwhile, who am I? who am I? who am I?
I am looking and questioning and working and delving and caring for all my little (self) girls who are wounded and feel unloveable. I am being gentle.
I am working to bring my pointing fingers back and back and back to me.
What do I want?
What will I not tolerate?
One biggie on the table for me is - if I am strong enough to say my future unborn do not need to be involved in the mess, why am I not important enough to protect?
The answer is a heavy one that I haven't yet faced, but the question still is burning there for me to answer.
w
The day after I found my husband's alcohol, I miscarried. So I was *SO CLOSE* to catching that dream's tail...
Where I am now is, I can't control whether I have kids. I can't make my husband be who I want. I can't know I will find the right mate next. I just can't control it. I have to let go of the attachment to it.
I am still open to kids. I just am trying to release the attachment.
Meanwhile, who am I? who am I? who am I?
I am looking and questioning and working and delving and caring for all my little (self) girls who are wounded and feel unloveable. I am being gentle.
I am working to bring my pointing fingers back and back and back to me.
What do I want?
What will I not tolerate?
One biggie on the table for me is - if I am strong enough to say my future unborn do not need to be involved in the mess, why am I not important enough to protect?
The answer is a heavy one that I haven't yet faced, but the question still is burning there for me to answer.
w
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 35
Just want to say to Elllymae and WOAD: as you can see from my DUI thread, my partner is definitely alcoholic and isn't meeting my some of my bottom-line, gotta-have-em needs, but it's never horrible enough to light a fire under me (or wasn't until today). Just kind of yuck and false. I sense that your situations might be somewhat similar.
The hard part for me is that my questions can only be answered over time. I've set a boundary with my ABF: I want concrete proof that you're clean and sober, and that you're getting the help you need. It's not my place to tell you how to do that, but when I check in with you again after a period of no contact, I'll be evaluating what you tell me.
It sounds easy when I say it, but realistically I know it's a long hard road and that relapses are part of the process. My alcoholic woman friend reminded me of that by explaining to me what one day at a time really means. She said, "It means if I screw up and get drunk one weekend, I drink lots of water, get over the hangover, see my therapist, and resolve to stay sober from this day forward so I can do the things I love to do."
I don't have the biological clock to contend with, but I'm old enough to think about the time I have left on earth. And right now I just don't know. If ABF is actively working some kind of recovery program (what kind is up to him) and it's working, I'll be much more likely to take a chance. If he continues to BS me like he has so far, I'll run for the hills.
One thing that gives me strength is knowing I have enough experience with BS to know it when I see it. Knowing I'll be strong enough to walk away from it is the harder part.
The hard part for me is that my questions can only be answered over time. I've set a boundary with my ABF: I want concrete proof that you're clean and sober, and that you're getting the help you need. It's not my place to tell you how to do that, but when I check in with you again after a period of no contact, I'll be evaluating what you tell me.
It sounds easy when I say it, but realistically I know it's a long hard road and that relapses are part of the process. My alcoholic woman friend reminded me of that by explaining to me what one day at a time really means. She said, "It means if I screw up and get drunk one weekend, I drink lots of water, get over the hangover, see my therapist, and resolve to stay sober from this day forward so I can do the things I love to do."
I don't have the biological clock to contend with, but I'm old enough to think about the time I have left on earth. And right now I just don't know. If ABF is actively working some kind of recovery program (what kind is up to him) and it's working, I'll be much more likely to take a chance. If he continues to BS me like he has so far, I'll run for the hills.
One thing that gives me strength is knowing I have enough experience with BS to know it when I see it. Knowing I'll be strong enough to walk away from it is the harder part.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Hi elleymae,
Welcome to SR! We are SO glad you're here. As you've already found, this is a wonderful site full of love, help, and a plethora of people who are healing.
You asked the following:
Although I've not lived with a recovering alcoholic, there are several things that have stood out in posts I've read.
1) Alcoholics often have issues above and beyond the alcoholism. Perhaps they're ACOA's, have emotional or mental issues (many live with self-hate, mine does, and he's narcissistic). Often those other issues are contributing factors to the alcoholism.
2) Sometimes we think that if the alcoholic would only stop drinking, everything would be okay. Or at least a whole lot better. Quite often not the case. It takes years of work.
3) The alcoholic behavior often doesn't stop even though the alcoholic stops drinking.
So we have expectations that things will change for the better. Often, they don't. Not significantly anyway. Sometimes for the worse. So, coming to this realization at some point, we leave the relationship.
HUGS to you Elleymae! Stick around. We've walked a mile in your moccasins.
Tigg
Welcome to SR! We are SO glad you're here. As you've already found, this is a wonderful site full of love, help, and a plethora of people who are healing.
You asked the following:
Originally Posted by elleymae 
Something I am very curious about.... I've heard and read enough stories of relationships ending when the alcoholic recovers. Is there somewhere on this board with stories of that? I'd like to know a little more about that, why it happens, when it happens most, what makes the recovered person decide they can't continue a relationship with the person they were with before recovery, etc. Is there a section with those types of stories?
1) Alcoholics often have issues above and beyond the alcoholism. Perhaps they're ACOA's, have emotional or mental issues (many live with self-hate, mine does, and he's narcissistic). Often those other issues are contributing factors to the alcoholism.
2) Sometimes we think that if the alcoholic would only stop drinking, everything would be okay. Or at least a whole lot better. Quite often not the case. It takes years of work.
3) The alcoholic behavior often doesn't stop even though the alcoholic stops drinking.
So we have expectations that things will change for the better. Often, they don't. Not significantly anyway. Sometimes for the worse. So, coming to this realization at some point, we leave the relationship.
HUGS to you Elleymae! Stick around. We've walked a mile in your moccasins.
Tigg
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by lc2846
I don't have the biological clock to contend with, but I'm old enough to think about the time I have left on earth.
L
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by lc2846
Just want to say to Elllymae and WOAD: as you can see from my DUI thread, my partner is definitely alcoholic and isn't meeting my some of my bottom-line, gotta-have-em needs, but it's never horrible enough to light a fire under me (or wasn't until today). Just kind of yuck and false. I sense that your situations might be somewhat similar.
Last edited by DesertEyes; 01-30-2010 at 09:17 AM. Reason: fixed broken quote
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker
The work we both are offered here is realizing WE picked these partners, which means we have some serious work to do to figure out what that's all about.
What that also means is if we "run away" from this situation, we are bound to recreate with a new someone and something to deal with.
What that also means is if we "run away" from this situation, we are bound to recreate with a new someone and something to deal with.
thank you for the compliment, ellymae. it means a lot to think i may have some value here. in fairness, let me say that for as much as i can sometimes talk the talk, it is often very hard for me to walk the walk.
we'll keep each other posted, ok?
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