What type of future can I have with a recovering alcoholic?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 9
What type of future can I have with a recovering alcoholic?
Hi group,
This is my first time posting, but I have been reading all the posts on this forum for the past couple of weeks.
My boyfriend of about 7 months recently admitted to me that he is a recovering alcoholic, three years sober. I always kinda thought there was something up because he told me he did not drink and was very adamant about knowing the content of cough syrup, food, etc. When I inquired about it, he would say that he was really healthy and careful about what he put in his body. I figured that was likely, so I did not really question him. Now that I am confronted with the truth, I am so confused as to what to do. I have absolutely no experience with addictions. I do not know anyone with an addiction. The one thing I do know is that I have fallen in love with this person and would like to pursue a committed relationship. The fact that he did not tell me the truth in the beginning is not really an issue, because I know I would have ran as quickly as possible. Part of me feels like I should not be concerned with the person he was, but focus on the person he is today and how much strength and character it took for him to turn his life around. However, the realistic side knows that there is always the chance of relapse and that is what scares me the most. I am a very strong person, but I don't know if I can handle dealing with a relapsed alcoholic. Am I being naive to think that I can have a future with this man? Children? In the seven months we have dated, he has not given me any reason to be alarmed, he seems to have his sobriety under control and is not using me as a crutch. He takes antabuse and attends meetings. I love being around him and our relationship has been going wonderfully. I have no idea what to do. I know that no one on this board can tell me what to do, but if someone is or was in a similar situation please share your story with me. I have prayed about this but I am so confused as to what to do. I think at this stage I am trying to convince myself that I am fine with, but I'm not sure. Thanks for reading all of this.
This is my first time posting, but I have been reading all the posts on this forum for the past couple of weeks.
My boyfriend of about 7 months recently admitted to me that he is a recovering alcoholic, three years sober. I always kinda thought there was something up because he told me he did not drink and was very adamant about knowing the content of cough syrup, food, etc. When I inquired about it, he would say that he was really healthy and careful about what he put in his body. I figured that was likely, so I did not really question him. Now that I am confronted with the truth, I am so confused as to what to do. I have absolutely no experience with addictions. I do not know anyone with an addiction. The one thing I do know is that I have fallen in love with this person and would like to pursue a committed relationship. The fact that he did not tell me the truth in the beginning is not really an issue, because I know I would have ran as quickly as possible. Part of me feels like I should not be concerned with the person he was, but focus on the person he is today and how much strength and character it took for him to turn his life around. However, the realistic side knows that there is always the chance of relapse and that is what scares me the most. I am a very strong person, but I don't know if I can handle dealing with a relapsed alcoholic. Am I being naive to think that I can have a future with this man? Children? In the seven months we have dated, he has not given me any reason to be alarmed, he seems to have his sobriety under control and is not using me as a crutch. He takes antabuse and attends meetings. I love being around him and our relationship has been going wonderfully. I have no idea what to do. I know that no one on this board can tell me what to do, but if someone is or was in a similar situation please share your story with me. I have prayed about this but I am so confused as to what to do. I think at this stage I am trying to convince myself that I am fine with, but I'm not sure. Thanks for reading all of this.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself! We have lots of information and support in this active family. Please make yourself at home here by reading and posting as needed.
You are correct that we are not trying to tell others what to do with their own lives. Our goal is to share our personal experience, hope and strength with others in similar situations.
My personal experience with alcoholism is: I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am a recovering (ex) spouse of an alcoholic.
I am also recovering from my co-dependency.
As a recovering alcoholic, I wonder sometimes what my chances are of finding a life partner that accepts my history of alcoholism. But mostly, I try not to borrow from tomorrow. I find that living in the moment is what is healthiest for me. I live each day to the best of my ability and give thanks, daily, for my sobriety. That is all I can do. One day at a time.
There are successful relationships that have survived alcoholism. Some of our members here have weathered the storms of addiction and kept their relationships intact, and some have reconciled after seperating. I know members of Alanon that have done the same. I am amazed at their serenity and strength.
You consider yourself a strong person, but not equipped to handle a relapsed alcoholic. Then this becomes your boundary. You are not willing to support and caretake for an active alcoholic. The next step is to make a plan. If he relapses, you will _________. Then you stick to your plan.
As I have heard around this forum "hope is not a plan". A plan is knowing what you will do if a situation arises so you can calmly take care of yourself without shifting into reaction mode. This does not mean that you don't trust your relationship partner. This means that you trust yourself to take care of yourself in a crisis.
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself! We have lots of information and support in this active family. Please make yourself at home here by reading and posting as needed.
You are correct that we are not trying to tell others what to do with their own lives. Our goal is to share our personal experience, hope and strength with others in similar situations.
My personal experience with alcoholism is: I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am a recovering (ex) spouse of an alcoholic.
I am also recovering from my co-dependency.
As a recovering alcoholic, I wonder sometimes what my chances are of finding a life partner that accepts my history of alcoholism. But mostly, I try not to borrow from tomorrow. I find that living in the moment is what is healthiest for me. I live each day to the best of my ability and give thanks, daily, for my sobriety. That is all I can do. One day at a time.
There are successful relationships that have survived alcoholism. Some of our members here have weathered the storms of addiction and kept their relationships intact, and some have reconciled after seperating. I know members of Alanon that have done the same. I am amazed at their serenity and strength.
You consider yourself a strong person, but not equipped to handle a relapsed alcoholic. Then this becomes your boundary. You are not willing to support and caretake for an active alcoholic. The next step is to make a plan. If he relapses, you will _________. Then you stick to your plan.
As I have heard around this forum "hope is not a plan". A plan is knowing what you will do if a situation arises so you can calmly take care of yourself without shifting into reaction mode. This does not mean that you don't trust your relationship partner. This means that you trust yourself to take care of yourself in a crisis.
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
Originally Posted by Aprenna 
In the seven months we have dated, he has not given me any reason to be alarmed, he seems to have his sobriety under control and is not using me as a crutch. He takes antabuse and attends meetings. I love being around him and our relationship has been going wonderfully.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 9
Pelican-Thank you very much for sharing your experience with me, I really appreciate it. Looking back I probably should not have said that I do not think I can handle a relapsed alcoholic. Since this is all new to me, I cannot honestly say what I can or can't handle or what I am willing to put up with to make the relationship work. I guess I will learn more and more about myself as this relationship grows. I really hope that my relationship will be one of the successful ones that I can continue to share with everyone.
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