TheNewGirl

A brief introduction to my situation:

My husband is an alcoholic, an addict, and codependent; he is not currently seeking treatment for or recovery from any of those. I don't know when his last drink was, but it was sometime before we met 1 year & 7 months ago. During our relationship, he has abused prescription drugs, stolen MY prescribed medicine, lied... I don't think I need to list everything, you know the rest.

His father, father's father, father's father's father, etc., are/were alcoholics. His brother had been attending AA for 7+ years, but recently decided he's not an alcoholic anymore, and now drinks.

Before we met, AH had had numerous DUI's, got his license revoked & been put in jail because of his drinking. He just got his license back within the last year - after 5 years of not having it.

My dad is/was an addict. I'm not sure which tense to use, cause I don't know if he's still alive. I haven't heard from or seen him in 11 years. I perceive my mom as codependent to the "T." Neither ever sought help for their respective ailments.

My AH & I married less than 9 months after we met. Yeah, I know. I have just begun my recovery from Codependence as of Jan. 10, 2010, though I'd been attending Al Anon since last year.

OK, now that you're fairly caught up...

I LOVE AL-ANON!!!!! I am SOOOOOOO thankful to have my meetings & wonderful support group members! Why didn't I find out about it sooner???!!!

"Healthy Boundaries?! What?! Take Care of Me - really? I can do this? It's OK... not just OK, but suggested?!"

Wow. How come no one ever taught me these things growing up? You know, in school or something. My parents sure couldn't.

The conflicts in my marriage increased after I started going to Al-Anon. I am NOT blaming Al-Anon. What was happening was: I started using what I'd learned, and set some boundaries. AH did not like having obstacles & barriers in his selfish drug seeking way, and started expressing his anger more often & more loudly. Since I've only just scratched the surface of my inner struggles & issues with codependency, I, like always, reacted.

Somehow, sometime during our fight... something I'd learned "clicked," and I stopped fighting. It's kind of humorous now, to think of him trying to still rouse the fight in me, hahaha he was about as successful as one hand clapping.

The next morning, he woke up extra early to make me coffee, breakfast, pack a lunch for me... but not because he was being sweet. He did it, like always, so that he'd feel "needed" and "loved." I was running late - I walked out the front door without even saying bye. Not because I was mad or harboring resentment from our fight the night before, I was just running late. He came outside, coffee & lunch in hand... I waved, but didn't even have time to stop.

His reaction was so boisterous (noisy and lacking in restraint or discipline, yeah, I had to look it up) that I couldn't help but watch in the rearview mirror: He threw the coffee & lunch down in our front yard & was flailing his arms about & screaming so hard I could see the veins in his neck & face... This is at 8 in the morning. This is after we had calmed down from our fight the night before, spoke calmly, shared our feelings & thoughts, and had (I thought) peacefully went to bed.

I called him when I got to work, telling him, "That behavior this morning was an inappropriate reaction." He started trying to excuse it, saying, "Sorry, I just got frustrated..." I said, "I don't need to hear any excuses; I want you out."

He said, OK & hung up. That was 4 days ago.

Rationally (with my head), I know I cannot live with him if he's not earnestly seeking recovery & treatment to correct his addict-instinctive behaviors.

Emotionally (with my heart), I can't stand this deafening (loud enough to cause (temporary) hearing loss - I looked that one up too) silence.

I hope the temporary hearing loss doesn't have any affect on my Higher Power's voice.

And since hearing loss doesn't seem to have an impact on vision, anyone have encouraging/supportive words out there to share about how to deal with alone-ness? I've been going to extra meetings & doing things with friends, but... it's only been 4 days & I already feel like I'm running out of ways to keep myself busy.

Thank you

barb dwyer

hi and welcome!

Jadmack25

Quote: (( I hope the temporary hearing loss doesn't have any affect on my Higher Power's voice. ))

It will have, in that it can now come thru loud and clear, with no "static" from your AH to interfere.

God bless

totfit

Welcome. While your husbands behavior was certainly inappropriate, yours wasn't much better. If we are going to look at others behaviors we also need to see our role. Both of you were childish. Your role was just ignoring what he did for you and leaving without saying goodbye. Did you get the reaction you were looking for?

Pelican

Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!

Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. You will find information and support here 24/7.

I agree with your wish that someone had taught me the steps and principles of AA/Alanon when I was growing up. It would have been nice knowing where my responsibilities stopped and others began. Such was life, now I am appreciative of being open to the wisdom that is available.

We're here to support you on your journey of self-discovery. Please make yourself at home by posting and reading as needed.

I recommend the permanent posts (stickies) at the top of this forum. I always learn something new about myself when I read through those posts.

Stereosteveo

I'm so glad to hear you love AL-ANON. I hope you just keep going forever and never stop no matter what.

I know how hard it is not to buy into the alcoholic's game. I am one, I was raised by one, and I almost married one.

Progress in my recovery came when I began to work the steps and see my part in everything. But that didn't happen until I became convinced of something that was posted earlier this morning:

*~*~*~*~*^ Big Book Quote ^*~*~*~*~*

"An illness of this sort and we have come to believe it an
illness involves those about us in a way no other human sickness
can.
If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or
hurt. But not so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes
annihilation of all the things worth while in life."

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 1st Edition,
There Is A Solution, pg. 18~

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This is not to say you should feel sorry for, or baby him. It just means the type of help he may need is beyond human power, if he's the alcoholic of my type that is. The disease is beyond his control. And it's not your job to fix him, you can't. And so perhaps the best thing you can do is work on yourself. It sounds like you are on the right track. Thanks for sharing.

stella27

Trust me, it is hard to become un-addicted from the drama. You are going through a withdrawal, too. Take this time to read, to sleep, to exercise, to go out with friends, and start working on your ability to live happily on your own. It's part of your own recovery.

(((hugs)))

TheNewGirl

Maybe my dictionary is out of date? It has:
IGNORE v. To refuse to pay attention to
ABSENT-MINDED adj. An unintentional wandering of the mind from the present

Could you provide some more thoughts to what you meant?

Thanks

Tally

Who said she was looking for a reaction? People can actually do things for themselves without it having to be about someone else and their reaction all the time.

It seems it was just an absent minded thing and not a deliberate act, but so what if it was? If she had to ignore him for her own piece of mind and so there wouldn't be arguing or manipulation going on at 8am then she's doing what she needs to do to protect her peace.

How is that being childish or wanting a reaction? Detatching is about the self, not other people.

stella27

There were 100 different ways that the morning could have gone better. You could have accepted his "gift" to you; he could have accepted that you were late and distracted and not taken it personally; he could have calmly gone inside and cried about you; but instead, the casual oversight or the deliberate snubbing - whichever -- created more drama for both of you.

What's happening since then?

TheNewGirl

Later on that day I called someone from my Al Anon group & we went to an extra meeting together that night. Saturday morning I went to Lowe's & bought new locks & deadbolts & installed them on my front & back doors. I had lunch with friends [something I haven't done in over a year], then I came home and made a new music playlist for my YouTube account and rocked out. Sunday I started new crafts projects - paper mache kept me busy, and kept my hands dirty so I wouldn't be tempted to smoke more cigarettes than usual or answer the phone if it rang [it didn't]. Monday I went to work; he called at 4:30 wanting to grab some of his things from the house before I got home. I didn't tell him I had changed the locks, but I wasn't really comfortable about him going in the house alone yet, so I told him I'd be home at 5:30, he could wait til then. He didn't want to do that, so he drove back to wherever he's staying. We agreed Wednesday (yesterday) would be OK. That night, my friend & I chatted while I cooked & baked [I've only done that 3 times in the last year & 1/2]; we stayed up past 1 in the morning talking. Tuesday I worked on my paper mache & rocked out some more. Wednesday he did get some things before I got home, but wanted to come back to see me & talk after he finished something he had to do. I said OK.

I hadn't seen him in 5 days, and we'd talked on the phone a total of less than 20 minutes since he left. He looked GOOD. All of a sudden the whole flood of emotions I'd blocked out since Friday - anger, disappointment, regret, sorrow, loneliness, missing him - hit me & my eyes teared up. He told me he'd seen a Substance Abuse counselor & was starting to understand how his behavior & thought patterns affected us, affects him. We talked about our anniversary coming up on Tuesday. I told him I still planned on taking that day off work, and he said he was too, then asked me out on a date. I agreed.

When we met, we didn't ever really "go out on dates," we just hurriedly meshed our lives together, moved in & got married. Later, I told him I missed "dating," & tried to get him to ask me out but he wouldn't.

We both agree that we have hope for our relationship in the future, but that we each have to be stronger at supporting ourselves before we can try to be a support for someone else. We've both told our parents, and both sets just want to see us healthy - whether that's together or not.