summer adventures and their possible consequences
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
summer adventures and their possible consequences
So, the park I want to work in called me and offered me a 5 month stint this summer. This is my DREAM JOB in my DREAM PARK. I have done the job 3 summers in the past and am probably going back.
If they had a permanent job, I would have taken it long ago, but they don't. The job doesn't offer health insurance and I'll be jobless in September. I could have this job forever if I was willing to work for pennies for 5 months a year into eternity. Their has been 3 ppl who have done the job other than me. They each worked about 10 years and then couldn't continue with the AWFUL pay and temporary situation and each have had to let it go...
I don't care much about the money, but the future and insurance is a concern. Especially as I consider I might be on my own in the future (considering I am 36 and my only life insurance or retirement is from my husbands job that he has had for 3 months!). I just love the job so much...
My AH and I decided 2 years ago to not be apart in the summers, as we were trying to start a family and stick together. Well, now that I said no kids if he doesn't get help...well, I have no kids in my future. When I told him I had applied for the summer job, his response was, "Well, alot has changed in a short amount of time. A 40 year old whos dying of diabetes shouldn't be raising kids anyway." (He'll be 39 next year and he's not dying.) So I guess he feels hopeless and has just dropped the whole thing. He still has a TON of undealt with grief over the diagnosis (it just happened last year). He is sure I am going to leave him/that I hate him. <sigh>
But seriously? He's going to drop it just like that??!?
This man can avoid dealing with issues like a...I don't know what, but he's DAMN good at it.
Anyway, its a long time to be away. On the other hand, what is he offering me? Kids are off the table it seems...that would be a big reason to stay with him - to build the life we had dreamed of. But if that is gone and he is unwilling to change or grow or communicate...
he IS wonderful in many ways, but I am stymied by his inability to open up to me...
He is 100% behind me going (because he knows I LOVE it there), but under what conditions am I going? Am I going back to him? It's crazy to me that he is not mentioning what this could mean, although its totally in alignment with No Talking About Issues Man.
He did say, "Ultimately, its up to you, right?"
I said, "Yea, but we were a team that was married, last time I checked."
"Oh. Good." was all he replied.
I think he's just hopeless.
I don't know. I don't know what I want, but I want to be in that park.
I think I am going to go. I think I'll share all that (above) with him and tell him I don't have it sorted out.
I try to feel how I feel about going, but it is fuzzy (oh, there must be junk there I am not ready to deal with...). I am excited about the summer. I worry that it is frivilous, since it doesn't take me further, career wise and it has no health insurance. It means I continue to be dependent on his insurance.
When I think about leaving him (even for 5 months) I feel...sick.
On the other hand, it feels safe to go for 5 months as a trial. (is that a cheap cop out?)
I guess I am just processing "out loud" with you.
Thanks for listening.
w
If they had a permanent job, I would have taken it long ago, but they don't. The job doesn't offer health insurance and I'll be jobless in September. I could have this job forever if I was willing to work for pennies for 5 months a year into eternity. Their has been 3 ppl who have done the job other than me. They each worked about 10 years and then couldn't continue with the AWFUL pay and temporary situation and each have had to let it go...
I don't care much about the money, but the future and insurance is a concern. Especially as I consider I might be on my own in the future (considering I am 36 and my only life insurance or retirement is from my husbands job that he has had for 3 months!). I just love the job so much...
My AH and I decided 2 years ago to not be apart in the summers, as we were trying to start a family and stick together. Well, now that I said no kids if he doesn't get help...well, I have no kids in my future. When I told him I had applied for the summer job, his response was, "Well, alot has changed in a short amount of time. A 40 year old whos dying of diabetes shouldn't be raising kids anyway." (He'll be 39 next year and he's not dying.) So I guess he feels hopeless and has just dropped the whole thing. He still has a TON of undealt with grief over the diagnosis (it just happened last year). He is sure I am going to leave him/that I hate him. <sigh>
But seriously? He's going to drop it just like that??!?
This man can avoid dealing with issues like a...I don't know what, but he's DAMN good at it.
Anyway, its a long time to be away. On the other hand, what is he offering me? Kids are off the table it seems...that would be a big reason to stay with him - to build the life we had dreamed of. But if that is gone and he is unwilling to change or grow or communicate...
he IS wonderful in many ways, but I am stymied by his inability to open up to me...
He is 100% behind me going (because he knows I LOVE it there), but under what conditions am I going? Am I going back to him? It's crazy to me that he is not mentioning what this could mean, although its totally in alignment with No Talking About Issues Man.
He did say, "Ultimately, its up to you, right?"
I said, "Yea, but we were a team that was married, last time I checked."
"Oh. Good." was all he replied.
I think he's just hopeless.
I don't know. I don't know what I want, but I want to be in that park.
I think I am going to go. I think I'll share all that (above) with him and tell him I don't have it sorted out.
I try to feel how I feel about going, but it is fuzzy (oh, there must be junk there I am not ready to deal with...). I am excited about the summer. I worry that it is frivilous, since it doesn't take me further, career wise and it has no health insurance. It means I continue to be dependent on his insurance.
When I think about leaving him (even for 5 months) I feel...sick.
On the other hand, it feels safe to go for 5 months as a trial. (is that a cheap cop out?)
I guess I am just processing "out loud" with you.
Thanks for listening.
w
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
process away, hon.
Better here than through 'knee-jerk' reactions.
Although - you've got me curious aboutr
what theme park is so great
that people will work for nothing
for ten years?
Gotta be a theme park that's more fun to work at
than to go to... LOL
Better here than through 'knee-jerk' reactions.
Although - you've got me curious aboutr
what theme park is so great
that people will work for nothing
for ten years?
Gotta be a theme park that's more fun to work at
than to go to... LOL
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 161
Not sure which park you were offered a job in, but if it's the one I'm thinking of, I'd love your job! Ya, the pay is really bad, but I've learned that if it really makes you happy, and it's what you want, you'll find a way to make it work. The things that don't come easy to us show us how bad we want it.
As for the AH, I say screw him. What's he offering you? Is he supporting your dreams and goals? What you want in life? People who love you don't stand in your way. They help you get there. Do what you want to do in this short life, and if he wants to come along for the ride, great, love to have you. If not, it was nice knowing you.
I am just now starting to accomplish things that I put on hold because of my exABF. I put him first, whatever he needed, stood by his side, put my own wants/dreams on hold to accomodate his life. For what? Where was I in this equation? And now I feel resentful I didn't do it earlier. But I am doing it, and hopefully in a few weeks, know if I too will have my dream job. I would not have even tried for it had I still been with my ex. When I think about it now too, he did things that made me think he was supportive, but really weren't. He didn't really want me moving forward past him.
Do what you want to do and you'll know how much you mean to him when you see how he responds to it. Don't pass up what your heart is telling you you really want to do! Tomorrows aren't guarenteed so make the most of today!
As for the AH, I say screw him. What's he offering you? Is he supporting your dreams and goals? What you want in life? People who love you don't stand in your way. They help you get there. Do what you want to do in this short life, and if he wants to come along for the ride, great, love to have you. If not, it was nice knowing you.
I am just now starting to accomplish things that I put on hold because of my exABF. I put him first, whatever he needed, stood by his side, put my own wants/dreams on hold to accomodate his life. For what? Where was I in this equation? And now I feel resentful I didn't do it earlier. But I am doing it, and hopefully in a few weeks, know if I too will have my dream job. I would not have even tried for it had I still been with my ex. When I think about it now too, he did things that made me think he was supportive, but really weren't. He didn't really want me moving forward past him.
Do what you want to do and you'll know how much you mean to him when you see how he responds to it. Don't pass up what your heart is telling you you really want to do! Tomorrows aren't guarenteed so make the most of today!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
I know, I know. Why am I arguing when I came here for advice?
But he's not holding me back. He's encouraging me to go.
When we had our whole plan (before I confronted him on the drinking and hiding), we were both going to find permanent work in the parks. He was going to lead and get the permanent job, I was going to have kids, and I would pick up work when the kids were old enough...
he wasn't holding me back...
he was part of the plan...
he got government work (wrong department, not in a park, but the right job title), I had gotten pregnant...
we were job hunting for him in the parks...
then I found the alcohol, lost the baby, confronted him and here we are.
I want our dream. So so much.
If you could see him with kids...
he's the best you've ever seen...
he's funny and gentle and kind with me most of the time.
he's shut down and scared sometimes.
he's angry and depressed lately.
i do love him.
I don't know where I am going with all that.
I'm emotionally adrift.
Hugs
w
But he's not holding me back. He's encouraging me to go.
When we had our whole plan (before I confronted him on the drinking and hiding), we were both going to find permanent work in the parks. He was going to lead and get the permanent job, I was going to have kids, and I would pick up work when the kids were old enough...
he wasn't holding me back...
he was part of the plan...
he got government work (wrong department, not in a park, but the right job title), I had gotten pregnant...
we were job hunting for him in the parks...
then I found the alcohol, lost the baby, confronted him and here we are.
I want our dream. So so much.
If you could see him with kids...
he's the best you've ever seen...
he's funny and gentle and kind with me most of the time.
he's shut down and scared sometimes.
he's angry and depressed lately.
i do love him.
I don't know where I am going with all that.
I'm emotionally adrift.
Hugs
w
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Do you want him to approve or validate your taking the summer job?
It would be comforting to know that my partner supports me in my decisions, but what if he can't? Do I feel guilty because we have different goals?
I have been thrilled to see your journey of recovery here at F&F. You are insightful, centered, sensitive and powerful!
Will this summer job help you continue your journey of self-discovery? Will this job help you spiritually?
If so, repeat as needed: "I approve of me", "I approve of me"
(((wife)))
This is your decision. May you find peace with your decision.
It would be comforting to know that my partner supports me in my decisions, but what if he can't? Do I feel guilty because we have different goals?
I have been thrilled to see your journey of recovery here at F&F. You are insightful, centered, sensitive and powerful!
Will this summer job help you continue your journey of self-discovery? Will this job help you spiritually?
If so, repeat as needed: "I approve of me", "I approve of me"
(((wife)))
This is your decision. May you find peace with your decision.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
do you need to know under what conditions you go, under what conditions you may return? can any of us ever really know that?
would you be giving up a job you already have to go, or is the choice, stay here doing the same old, same old or go and do something you really want to do.
or do you want to do it? I get a sense that what you want from him is not validation of your choice to go, but instead him to say "NO, don't go, I can't live without you, I've given up drinking, lets have children........."
perhaps. but I do see some opening up to you:
that's sort of pretty loud from outside. tbxAH did this all the time his actions were shouting something, but because he didn't articulate them in words, I couldn't hear.
this is lovely, I'd like it too please 
(not with your AH obviously )
is it a plan though or a dream?
I'm so sorry about your baby WoaD
would you be giving up a job you already have to go, or is the choice, stay here doing the same old, same old or go and do something you really want to do.
or do you want to do it? I get a sense that what you want from him is not validation of your choice to go, but instead him to say "NO, don't go, I can't live without you, I've given up drinking, lets have children........."
but I am stymied by his inability to open up to me...
"Well, alot has changed in a short amount of time. A 40 year old whos dying of diabetes shouldn't be raising kids anyway."
Well, now that I said no kids if he doesn't get help...well, I have no kids in my future.
When we had our whole plan (before I confronted him on the drinking and hiding), we were both going to find permanent work in the parks. He was going to lead and get the permanent job, I was going to have kids, and I would pick up work when the kids were old enough...
he wasn't holding me back...
he was part of the plan...
he got government work (wrong department, not in a park, but the right job title), I had gotten pregnant...
we were job hunting for him in the parks...
then I found the alcohol, lost the baby, confronted him and here we are.
I want our dream. So so much.
If you could see him with kids...
he's the best you've ever seen...
he's funny and gentle and kind with me most of the time.
he's shut down and scared sometimes.
he's angry and depressed lately.
i do love him.
he wasn't holding me back...
he was part of the plan...
he got government work (wrong department, not in a park, but the right job title), I had gotten pregnant...
we were job hunting for him in the parks...
then I found the alcohol, lost the baby, confronted him and here we are.
I want our dream. So so much.
If you could see him with kids...
he's the best you've ever seen...
he's funny and gentle and kind with me most of the time.
he's shut down and scared sometimes.
he's angry and depressed lately.
i do love him.
(not with your AH obviously )is it a plan though or a dream?
I'm so sorry about your baby WoaD
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
You say he is supportive of you going, but I just don't see it. All I see is a bunch of drama and guilt-tripping. Passive-aggressive behavior at it's best. He's got you convinced that taking a five-month temporary gig is the end of all your hopes and dreams together. Huh?
L
L
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Pelican - you hit the nail on the head! So much of my life REVOLVES around validation. In fact, I have been keeping quiet around here because I observed how much ego I was feeding on when someone said "good post" in one way or another. (ACK!) Then I want MORE MORE MORE validation! Maybe I can be THE BEST poster EVER! Maybe I can say THE MOST insightful things! Oh wait...no one commented on my post...or no one commented on my comment...I thought they would...I thought it was smart...on and on. And here? I want the board's validation to go, I guess.
Detach. Detatch. Self validate. Self validate. But thanks for your kindness.
JenT - you're right, too! I want him to say, "No, wait...stay with me! I'll change!" and about our future...it was a plan until it became more of a dream (now that I set a boundary around kids.)
LaTee - he isn't guilt tripping on my trip, but he is passive aggressive in many other ways (as, I think, am I).
anvil - you're right. I have to keep the dreams alive.
I think my resistance to going is it takes me farther away from family with AH with babies. We won't be communicating much if we are in different states. So it feels like I'm giving up on that, in a way.
Hugs. w
Detach. Detatch. Self validate. Self validate.
But thanks for your kindness.JenT - you're right, too! I want him to say, "No, wait...stay with me! I'll change!" and about our future...it was a plan until it became more of a dream (now that I set a boundary around kids.)
LaTee - he isn't guilt tripping on my trip, but he is passive aggressive in many other ways (as, I think, am I).
anvil - you're right. I have to keep the dreams alive.
I think my resistance to going is it takes me farther away from family with AH with babies. We won't be communicating much if we are in different states. So it feels like I'm giving up on that, in a way.
Hugs. w
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker 
"Well, alot has changed in a short amount of time. A 40 year old whos dying of diabetes shouldn't be raising kids anyway."
L
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
This is good:
I think my resistance to going is it takes me farther away from family with AH with babies. We won't be communicating much if we are in different states. So it feels like I'm giving up on that, in a way.
By knowing what you fear, you can walk through it instead of hiding from it.
I think my resistance to going is it takes me farther away from family with AH with babies. We won't be communicating much if we are in different states. So it feels like I'm giving up on that, in a way.
By knowing what you fear, you can walk through it instead of hiding from it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
My 2cents' worth:
You are 36 and in a marriage to somebody who is an active alcoholic.
You want children.
He would rather drink than have kids with you.
Do you choose not having children because you would rather live with an active alcoholic?
If, in 10 years - when you are 46, he is no longer interesting, funny or kind, just angry and depressed and drunk, are you going to be glad you made this decision?
Not everyone wants children. Can you imagine a life without kids?
Why don't you take the dream job and spend the summer thinking it over?
You have been given a great gift. The gift of time and distance, without having to make your big decisions right now.
What do you think?
You are 36 and in a marriage to somebody who is an active alcoholic.
You want children.
He would rather drink than have kids with you.
Do you choose not having children because you would rather live with an active alcoholic?
If, in 10 years - when you are 46, he is no longer interesting, funny or kind, just angry and depressed and drunk, are you going to be glad you made this decision?
Not everyone wants children. Can you imagine a life without kids?
Why don't you take the dream job and spend the summer thinking it over?
You have been given a great gift. The gift of time and distance, without having to make your big decisions right now.
What do you think?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
LaTee - I'll have to think about that. I took at as just dramatic, hopelessness/depression without the manipulation...but you never know. I can see how it would read that way.
Pelican - so true.
Stella - a gift. Isn't everything when we can just frame it properly? It is a GIFT. This job brings me joy like nothing else! WOOHOO!
Pelican - so true.
Stella - a gift. Isn't everything when we can just frame it properly? It is a GIFT. This job brings me joy like nothing else! WOOHOO!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
I agree with Stella.....you have been given a gift of space and time away from the "Norm".....you will grow in this time and can decide.
I think your job sounds wonderful and I would say you "Go Girl".....give it your best and see where it takes you. In the gift of time you have been given take stock! and dig deep and see what you want for YOU!.......in the meantime keep working on you and keep posting because we care....All the very best with your decision......Phiz :0)
I think your job sounds wonderful and I would say you "Go Girl".....give it your best and see where it takes you. In the gift of time you have been given take stock! and dig deep and see what you want for YOU!.......in the meantime keep working on you and keep posting because we care....All the very best with your decision......Phiz :0)
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