probably just a trigger but
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
probably just a trigger but
I have shifted from tons of anger towards AH to experiencing this rush of regret, wanting to know what he's doing, who he's doing it with and feeling left out. Abandoned. All those old feelings. It's so hard to not act on them, but that's why I"m posting here.
I"m working on not obsessing about it, just acknowledging my feelings and letting them go. Acceptance. It's not like I haven't been here before, I've been here for my entire marriage to him. But to not act on it, to withdraw further and rely on friends, not him, is different.
He has been pulling away from me, being evasive when I ask for a schedule from him for the week. His schedule changes due to retail, but this makes me feel like he's got a gf and is keeping his options open for her. Major trigger. Oh yeah, that helps. Now I hate him again.
Only pain. Only regret. Gotta work through it. Going back to work now. Thank you for letting me come here and vent/type. You guys are my lifeline.
I"m working on not obsessing about it, just acknowledging my feelings and letting them go. Acceptance. It's not like I haven't been here before, I've been here for my entire marriage to him. But to not act on it, to withdraw further and rely on friends, not him, is different.
He has been pulling away from me, being evasive when I ask for a schedule from him for the week. His schedule changes due to retail, but this makes me feel like he's got a gf and is keeping his options open for her. Major trigger. Oh yeah, that helps. Now I hate him again.
Only pain. Only regret. Gotta work through it. Going back to work now. Thank you for letting me come here and vent/type. You guys are my lifeline.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi transform!
Yesterday I dreamed I lived the same pain of the first days and was crying my heart out. The first shock. Oh well.
Melody Beatty says "trust your process"
And around here they say "alcoholics do not have partners, they take hostages"
Even if he had someone else, she (or he..) or whoever else... DOES NOT CHANGE AT ALL WHO HE IS... what he is capable of doing (a.k.a hurting, manipulating, DRINKING, denying, lying, etc)... and no one ever is going to control, cure or change HIS progressive and chronic alcoholism... which BTW I think he is still in denial about?
I hope God sends you the strength and wisdom to do what is best for you...
Yesterday I dreamed I lived the same pain of the first days and was crying my heart out. The first shock. Oh well.
Melody Beatty says "trust your process"
And around here they say "alcoholics do not have partners, they take hostages"
Even if he had someone else, she (or he..) or whoever else... DOES NOT CHANGE AT ALL WHO HE IS... what he is capable of doing (a.k.a hurting, manipulating, DRINKING, denying, lying, etc)... and no one ever is going to control, cure or change HIS progressive and chronic alcoholism... which BTW I think he is still in denial about?
I hope God sends you the strength and wisdom to do what is best for you...
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Have you tried doing funny visualizations? when I obsessed I thought
-perhaps he is at church confessing his sins
-perhaps he is helping an elder cross the street
-perhaps he is giving good relationship tips to his sister
-perhaps he is going to a retreat which only purpose is to send good vibes to his ex girlfriend
-perhaps he is pouring the rest of his jack daniels in the faucet
-perhaps he is lobbying against drunk drivers
-perhaps he is listening to a Forgiveness CD
-perhaps he is doing Kundalini yoga
In reality he is drinking, sleeping the hangover off, playing Warhammer. But those visualizations help me lighten up
I mean, imagine your ex doing the Downward facing dog in white tight pants...gross.. lol
Another handy mantra: NOT MY PROBLEM NOT MY PROBLEM NOT MY PROBLEM
Or if he is having the time of his life.. I remember in "Heroes" they say "you can have either a happy life.. or a meaningful life. Sure, you can have sex when you are miserable... but being happy means not thinking of the past or the future... where a meaningful life demands a hard look to the past and a very clear picture of the future" ..
The message I get from that is that as long as you are looking at yourself you are in the right track. Even being the observer of the obsessive thoughts you are having now. That is good! being the observer and knowing its a part of you that needs healing, that's all.
The beautiful, resourceful woman that is Transformyself is so much more than that,and deserves soooooooo much more from life than this temporary pain :ghug3
-perhaps he is at church confessing his sins
-perhaps he is helping an elder cross the street
-perhaps he is giving good relationship tips to his sister
-perhaps he is going to a retreat which only purpose is to send good vibes to his ex girlfriend
-perhaps he is pouring the rest of his jack daniels in the faucet
-perhaps he is lobbying against drunk drivers
-perhaps he is listening to a Forgiveness CD
-perhaps he is doing Kundalini yoga
In reality he is drinking, sleeping the hangover off, playing Warhammer. But those visualizations help me lighten up
I mean, imagine your ex doing the Downward facing dog in white tight pants...gross.. lol Another handy mantra: NOT MY PROBLEM NOT MY PROBLEM NOT MY PROBLEM
Or if he is having the time of his life.. I remember in "Heroes" they say "you can have either a happy life.. or a meaningful life. Sure, you can have sex when you are miserable... but being happy means not thinking of the past or the future... where a meaningful life demands a hard look to the past and a very clear picture of the future" ..
The message I get from that is that as long as you are looking at yourself you are in the right track. Even being the observer of the obsessive thoughts you are having now. That is good! being the observer and knowing its a part of you that needs healing, that's all.
The beautiful, resourceful woman that is Transformyself is so much more than that,and deserves soooooooo much more from life than this temporary pain :ghug3
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
-perhaps he is doing Kundalini yoga
Sorry, TC and transform, not funny, but wouldn't "kundalini" make a nice code verb?
I hope you are able to move through this into a place where you can recapture the real estate he's taking up in your mind. I know you will - I just hope the stars align so you can do it soon. Much better without that. :ghug3
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
you guys. I"m laughing. out loud. You are so funny, such good friends. Thank you.
And this is simultanously sad and helpful. I think I"m just sad, and about so many things.
I am really really grateful though that I can recognize it as such. I was thinking today how only time really heals all wounds. yes, we work at letting go, at getting over this crap, but it is time that's the true healer.
And I'm circling around again. time to feel sad, but not quite so much. Then i'll be happy again, but a little more. And back to anger. Ah my friend Anger. What would I do without her?
Someday I hope to find out..
And this
"alcoholics do not have partners, they take hostages"
I am really really grateful though that I can recognize it as such. I was thinking today how only time really heals all wounds. yes, we work at letting go, at getting over this crap, but it is time that's the true healer.
And I'm circling around again. time to feel sad, but not quite so much. Then i'll be happy again, but a little more. And back to anger. Ah my friend Anger. What would I do without her?
Someday I hope to find out..
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Sorry he is being his usual "pain in the rear end" self, and getting on your wick. I guess if he changed into a reasonable person, it would be on par with the raising of Lazaras.
Loved the idea of him in Downward dog pose after I saw what that was, and thought it perfect for you to give him a pain in the rear end, for a change. Enjoy please.
God bless
Loved the idea of him in Downward dog pose after I saw what that was, and thought it perfect for you to give him a pain in the rear end, for a change. Enjoy please.
God bless
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
have you studied transactional analysis and game theory? I first read it through "The games alcoholic play" and we have an example of the karpman drama triangle around here somewhere, it was hugely useful to me. I recognise that quick switch from anger to abandonment. I still play it now, although not as intensely and I'm quicker to spot it consiously and stop playing now.
In fact it led to THE aha moment, after the last big incident with tbxAH, I'd done afraid and rescuing, gone through calm rational big discussion of future (whilst actually being angry and empowered) and was just cycling through devastation and pain at how I was hurting him when I realised he was still stuck in an earlier phase of one of our games (anger and blame), I was literally playing on my own, he wasn't begging me to stay, I wasn't hurting him. At that point I saw through tons of our patterns, almost in a flash.
switching from the anger game to the abandonment game (I can't remember what they are called in TA) I had recently too. I've changed our arrangements so that there are set times and days, rather than him ringing up and suggesting a time on an ad hoc basis, because I never knew where I was and what to tell the kids, I've also stopped babysitting his visitation time.
Of course he cancels, but I don't feel obliged to rearrange. I think he's an arse for doing this, I'm feeling empowered, glad to not be with someone who treats his kids like this. coincidently he blocks me from facebook, my first thought is one of hurt, of abandonment, that I'm losing him, my friend , the one person who knows me and still loves me, like an old, worn, record it goes and then I realise he's done me a favour, because that's one more seperation that I don't have to initiate.
I'm sure you've probably read some, but I find it worth a re-read,
In fact it led to THE aha moment, after the last big incident with tbxAH, I'd done afraid and rescuing, gone through calm rational big discussion of future (whilst actually being angry and empowered) and was just cycling through devastation and pain at how I was hurting him when I realised he was still stuck in an earlier phase of one of our games (anger and blame), I was literally playing on my own, he wasn't begging me to stay, I wasn't hurting him. At that point I saw through tons of our patterns, almost in a flash.
switching from the anger game to the abandonment game (I can't remember what they are called in TA) I had recently too. I've changed our arrangements so that there are set times and days, rather than him ringing up and suggesting a time on an ad hoc basis, because I never knew where I was and what to tell the kids, I've also stopped babysitting his visitation time.
Of course he cancels, but I don't feel obliged to rearrange. I think he's an arse for doing this, I'm feeling empowered, glad to not be with someone who treats his kids like this. coincidently he blocks me from facebook, my first thought is one of hurt, of abandonment, that I'm losing him, my friend , the one person who knows me and still loves me, like an old, worn, record it goes and then I realise he's done me a favour, because that's one more seperation that I don't have to initiate.
I'm sure you've probably read some, but I find it worth a re-read,
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I feel this stuff, too. It is a trigger, I am certain. But what helped me was the simple words from this board "put the focus back on you. it doesn't matter whether he is hurting, sad, lonely, etc. HE hasn't made any steps to repair the HUGE damage he has caused. Why spend time feeling sorry for him? It draws me back into codie-ness (I am responsible for how he feels). Put the focus back on me."
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I haven't read any TA Jen but what you report makes sense to me.
Jadmack, will you be the new cartoonist for my new paper? You've got it down! I"m laughing laughing laughing.
And in fact, after a good nights sleep, I do feel all better. Energized, back to my confident self. And all I had to do was sit with and through a bit of sadness. What a great trade off! Had I called AH to look for comfort, well, you folks know how that would have turned out.
Instead I"m humming along, writing, thinking about my life and looking forward to seeing the kids after school. In fact, he called me today to complain about something and I was very nice, very detached. had i not done that work yesterday--with the help of you loving souls--I would have been nervous, wanting attention from him and unstable. But i just listened and got off the phone. Nice like.
Jadmack, will you be the new cartoonist for my new paper? You've got it down! I"m laughing laughing laughing.
And in fact, after a good nights sleep, I do feel all better. Energized, back to my confident self. And all I had to do was sit with and through a bit of sadness. What a great trade off! Had I called AH to look for comfort, well, you folks know how that would have turned out.
Instead I"m humming along, writing, thinking about my life and looking forward to seeing the kids after school. In fact, he called me today to complain about something and I was very nice, very detached. had i not done that work yesterday--with the help of you loving souls--I would have been nervous, wanting attention from him and unstable. But i just listened and got off the phone. Nice like.
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