Break up or fall in love with sb in recovery?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I appreciate it, LTD. I held our young family together while my H was diagnosed BP and hospitalized for almost 2 months. Our children were babies - ages 2 and 1. that was 6 years ago and he recovered so well from the mania. Until he resumed drinking heavily. By then I had a 3rd baby.
I imagined that I was kind of the heroine of the fairy tale. The one who saved our family and gave H another chance and set him on a new career path and held his hand while he recovered, and that he would love me forever because of it. After all, I had rescued him.
Instead he picked back up a nasty alcohol habit and neglected all of us and eventually left us for alcohol. By the time he left us, I had gotten very real and set some boundaries, and it feels so good not to be playing games with him anymore.
So reading this thread about voluntarily pursuing a relationship - even a friendship with someone who is selfish, dramatic, whining, and blaming...because there is some kind of chemistry??? baffles me.
We had chemistry. Now what I have are 3 little kids who miss their dad and don't understand what's happened to their home. It's not as much fun as it sounds.
I imagined that I was kind of the heroine of the fairy tale. The one who saved our family and gave H another chance and set him on a new career path and held his hand while he recovered, and that he would love me forever because of it. After all, I had rescued him.
Instead he picked back up a nasty alcohol habit and neglected all of us and eventually left us for alcohol. By the time he left us, I had gotten very real and set some boundaries, and it feels so good not to be playing games with him anymore.
So reading this thread about voluntarily pursuing a relationship - even a friendship with someone who is selfish, dramatic, whining, and blaming...because there is some kind of chemistry??? baffles me.
We had chemistry. Now what I have are 3 little kids who miss their dad and don't understand what's happened to their home. It's not as much fun as it sounds.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I remember something my therapist once told me. I had reached the point of "enough." I had kicked my husband out of the house and sought therapy. But, I hadn't grasped the concept of letting go yet.
The therapist was encouraging me to step out of his business and work on my own issues. I said "but, what if he decides to get sober? I want to be there for him. I want to help him." She said "That's your ego speaking. He doesn't need your help, he needs AA."
L
The therapist was encouraging me to step out of his business and work on my own issues. I said "but, what if he decides to get sober? I want to be there for him. I want to help him." She said "That's your ego speaking. He doesn't need your help, he needs AA."
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
has this person DEMONSTRATED admirable qualities WORTHY of friendship? OR are you hooked on the "come here, go away" aspect he displays?
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
No one chooses to be an alcoholic qaz, nor chooses the issues that lead them to destructive behavior. I notice that you have mentioned this a few times in your postings. That thinking may keep you stuck. I see that you feel compassion for this man, but we all have to take responsibility for ourselves. Ultimately, no one can save us, except ourselves.
My therapist once told me that I wasn't responsible for things that happened to me as a child, but I AM responsible as an adult to build the life I want.
My therapist once told me that I wasn't responsible for things that happened to me as a child, but I AM responsible as an adult to build the life I want.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
4. Inability to Differentiate Love from Sympathy
Maybe you are hooked by the inability to differentiate the difference between love and sympathy or compassion for your relationship partners. You find yourself feeling sorry for your relationship partners and the warm feelings which this generates makes you think that you are in love with them. The bigger the problems your relationship partners have, the bigger the "love" seems to you. Because the problems can get bigger and more complex, they succeed in hooking you to lower your boundaries so that you begin to give more and more of yourself to your "pitiable" relationship partners out of the "love" you feel. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is OK to have sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, but that does not mean that I have to sacrifice my life to "save" or "rescue" my partners. Sympathy and compassion are emotions I know well and I will work hard to differentiate them from what love is. When I feel sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, I will remind myself that it is not the same as loving them. The ability to feel sympathy and compassion for another human being is a nice quality of mine and I will be sure to use it in a healthy and non-emotionally hooked way in the future in my relationships."
From the following sticky post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
Maybe you are hooked by the inability to differentiate the difference between love and sympathy or compassion for your relationship partners. You find yourself feeling sorry for your relationship partners and the warm feelings which this generates makes you think that you are in love with them. The bigger the problems your relationship partners have, the bigger the "love" seems to you. Because the problems can get bigger and more complex, they succeed in hooking you to lower your boundaries so that you begin to give more and more of yourself to your "pitiable" relationship partners out of the "love" you feel. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is OK to have sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, but that does not mean that I have to sacrifice my life to "save" or "rescue" my partners. Sympathy and compassion are emotions I know well and I will work hard to differentiate them from what love is. When I feel sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, I will remind myself that it is not the same as loving them. The ability to feel sympathy and compassion for another human being is a nice quality of mine and I will be sure to use it in a healthy and non-emotionally hooked way in the future in my relationships."
From the following sticky post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
This is one I have a tough time understanding. "If he wasn't an alcoholic, we'd be dating...."
Alcoholism/substance abuse is a 'symptom' of a much greater problem, often a mental health issue and should be investigated (referred to as co-occurring).
Alcoholism/substance abuse is a 'symptom' of a much greater problem, often a mental health issue and should be investigated (referred to as co-occurring).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 24
Gerry P, Pelican, Anvilhead - good points. thankyou for keeping me in check.
Gerry P - I think what I meant by that refers to all the advice I have taken not to get involved with him because of the way he is behaving, some of which I've described in earlier posts here.
If he didn't have the problems and subsequent symptomatic behaviours then maybe we would have just bumped into each other as we did and I would have fallen for him and not have had to put my guard up as I have. This is, I think, both of our though processes - the fact that we miss a connection due to demons that are unwelcome in the first place.
Yes, there are traumatic childhood events and possible mental health issues at play. He's looking in to seeing a psychologist, although I don't know how hard. I have tried to suggest that the alcoholism is a symptom, but I think he believes it to just be the problem, which concerns me a bit. Have to tred carefully to encourage the psychologist as it seems harder for him to accept that he needs it than it has been to accept going to aa.
Gerry P - I think what I meant by that refers to all the advice I have taken not to get involved with him because of the way he is behaving, some of which I've described in earlier posts here.
If he didn't have the problems and subsequent symptomatic behaviours then maybe we would have just bumped into each other as we did and I would have fallen for him and not have had to put my guard up as I have. This is, I think, both of our though processes - the fact that we miss a connection due to demons that are unwelcome in the first place.
Yes, there are traumatic childhood events and possible mental health issues at play. He's looking in to seeing a psychologist, although I don't know how hard. I have tried to suggest that the alcoholism is a symptom, but I think he believes it to just be the problem, which concerns me a bit. Have to tred carefully to encourage the psychologist as it seems harder for him to accept that he needs it than it has been to accept going to aa.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
