ferry

I'm not bad today thanks. She has been drinking today and called me at work asking me to help her. I told her I can't do the helping anymore and that she knows what to do if she wants to recover. Later I got a call from the local hospital, she called an ambulance and got taken there. They sent her home again as she was in a mess and she was home by the time I got in from work. I didn't throw away the can of cider she had open in front of her and I don't plan to.

I've told her I'm leaving her before in the past but I know she knows I don't mean it. I know I don't entirely mean it yet but I know I'm very, very close to feeling like the real thing and she will know it too, I hope, when I'm at that point. I constantly think about it and visualise myself somewhere else other than here. Hope that makes sense.

Thanks to everyone who is contributing to this, I really mean that, thanks a lot. It feels like medicine to read stuff on SR

nodaybut2day

hi ferry...just wanted to chime in with a daily *hug*.

When you're ready, you'll know it. Until there, we're here. Post as often as you like about...whatever. And when you *are* ready, it won't matter if she believes you or not, because leaving will be about you and not her.

I think visualization is great. How/where do you see yourself living once you leave?

Jazzman

Hey ferry I've been there before and it just plain sucks. Sorry to hear she's not ready to fight for sobriety. So are you sure you are the one that should leave? Why not her? Maybe she can find a place to stay for a while and decide what her priorities are?

ferry

I would be renting a flat in the same area (better for work) and sell the house. We have a lot of animals so that's a problem but they would need to go to the rescue center, there is no other way around that. I don't think I would be happy living in the same house if she was to leave, memories of many happy happy years are everywhere. I don't know where she would go, her family have said she can't come to them, they have had enough of her too so she would need to go homeless, she has no money and no job. That's a hard thought though, her being homeless, she has always loved the home we share and thinking about her on the streets gives me great pain.

nodaybut2day

I completely understand that pain...at the same time though, things have come to this because of your wife's choices. You never had a gun to her head forcing her to drink and gradually destroy her relationships with her family, friends and with you. What's happening right now is a consequences of those choices. As much as you cannot save her from her addiction, you cannot save her from the consequences of the addiction.

ferry

Such a good point. An addiction worker told me this too, there has to be consequences. I feel like there has been no consequences for her. It's like I'm a robot and this is my program

10 She drinks
20 I clear up the mess
30 She is sober
40 Pick a random number from 1 to 30 = weeks sober
50 Goto 10

nodaybut2day

The great thing, and by no means the easy thing, is that you can choose to stop cleaning up her mess. She is a grown woman and she has the ability to deal with the consequences of her choices.

Robo-Ferry can start by replacing a few sub-routines at a time, or can eventually choose to install a whole new hard drive and start fresh.

Time to focus on you my friend. So, tell us, what do you dream of? Where do you see yourself in 2-3 years? How do you want to get there?

FindingPeace1

Stop the ride; I want to get off!

Jadmack25

Know that mad whirlygig you are on, and oh boy, does it ever suck.

Maybe it's time for you to get off that whirlygig, even if she stays on it.



God bless

ferry

So today she pawned her wedding and engagement rings, a new low. 10 mins ago I could smell smoke. I went downstairs and the place was thick with smoke. She had put something in microwave and left it on full blast as she lay passed out on the floor with drink. Thankfully it never caught fire. Worried about leaving the house with her in it now.

FindingPeace1

Where is YOUR low?
Where is YOUR enough is enough?
I don't mean that rhetorically. I really mean it. Do you have a bottom line?

stella27

So what are you going to do now?

Insulated

has she said anything to indicate suicide? this would get her into a hospital and perhaps Baker Acted?

ferry

This is the worst period ever and my head is mangled, I want to go. Still thinking about what I'm going to do now. She has talked about suicide before. She has twice taken paracetamol overdoses in the past (taken to hospital but she was fine) and held a knife at her wrists in front of me a few times before, but never done anything, I just walk away. She doesn't want to die but says she does when she drinks. I just googled Baker Act but that seems to be in the USA. If I recall, people can't be commited here in the UK if there is alcohol involved, I may be wrong on that tho.

nodaybut2day

ferry, this is JMO, but were I in your shoes, I think I'd run away. You sound like you're living in a burning house.

Is there a way you could get away, if only for a few days, just to rest, think and figure out a plan?

Insulated

It's just my opinion, but suicide isn't anything to discount. I've been on the receiving end of what I considered a loose statement of such. He accidentally overdosed the next day. Is there a hotline you could call for assistance. This board is so full of links and hotlines, perhaps you could find help within one.

coffeedrinker

ferry,

i can't remember; do you have children?

i too would be worried about leaving her at home, but when you consider the alternative, staying with her round the clock, well, that's not an option.

can you have her committed? can you leave?

DerryMan

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I'm in the middle of something similar myself and this is my first post here.
I wont go into my details now as you situation seems dire, but I wanted to give you some information as I too am in the UK (NIreland). Addiction units will not admit someone if they have drink on board. However, phsyciatric units will at the very least assess someone. Most of them also have an out of hours service for emergencies such as this. Pick up the phone and call your nearest phsyciatric hospital/ward and ask for advice and let them know that you are frightened for her safety. As far as I know you can have her committed as next of kin. I know here in NI there is an emergency response team (it might be called Home Treatment) attatched to our nearest hospital. Unfortunately I too have had to make use of them.
I hope this is of some help and hope you get some peace soon.

Mambo Queen

Ferry, one of your worries, and one that you have repeated a few times so I know it really must trouble you, is that you're afraid to think of her being homeless or out on the streets. I had that exact same fear and even after I divorced my XAH it tore me up inside. Well, after his lease was up on his apt (which he rented from the settlement money from the divorce) he went on a week-long binge, gambled away a lot of money and stayed in a hotel, and then spent one night in a homeless shelter, where they gave him info about the Salvation Army adult rehab center. He checked himself in 5 days later, and now he's been there almost a month and is doing quite well, if I can believe his letters. Being homeless was what finally made him want to quit. Will he relapse? Maybe. Is he cured forever? No one can say. I do know that he never ever would have gone to this place, taken what was in his mind a very drastic step to get sober if it hadn't come to homelessness for him.

ferry

Hi again guys, just catching up on here.

We don't have children. Sometimes I think this was the root of the problem for my wife as we did try, very hard, for years with IVF etc. Reading other threads on here makes me wonder if that would have made a difference though. The house didn't burn down, I threw out the microwave though and switched the cooker off at the distribution box, just incase.

Just a short post to let you all know how much I appreciate your comments, all so helpful and sinking into my mind.