Losing Traction
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
Losing Traction
Last week it was all so clear. It always is. You know what you’re going to do, how you’re going to do it and then you’re going to be free. Then they bait you. You know it’s a ploy and you keep telling yourself you’ve been here before. You know if nothing changes, nothing changes. Yet is so easy to fall right back into place. Each time I think if I scream from the roof tops “I’m really going to do it this time” that I’ll feel so ashamed to tell everyone..that I won’t have the guts to backtrack. However sometimes it seems the only guts I have IS to backtrack. I’m still so codie that I’m sabotaging my own diet, and well being so that I don’t hurt or disappoint him. I want to go, but I don’t want to hurt. I know it will be the same, but sometimes I don’t. I feel like I’m already sliding down the mountain that I just started to climb.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Please don't beat yourself up. This is a process, a journey if you will. Remember that you are actually *on* the journey, while others may never even know that there's a journey to be undertaken, and will continue to just exist and not really LIVE.
Give yourself a pat on the back for actually doing this...it's not about doing it right the first time or the third time. It's just about doing it.
Yay for you.
Give yourself a pat on the back for actually doing this...it's not about doing it right the first time or the third time. It's just about doing it.
Yay for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
itsme,
what do you think you are most afraid of? have you verbalized it?
and what do you think the pull is, the force that grabs you and sucks you back in?
don't beat yourself up, that is counter-productive. stella's right - this is hard, hard stuff
what do you think you are most afraid of? have you verbalized it?
and what do you think the pull is, the force that grabs you and sucks you back in?
don't beat yourself up, that is counter-productive. stella's right - this is hard, hard stuff
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
Thats a good question and I probably do really need to think about it...
What am I most afraid of??
I guess I’m really not sure. I think I’m afraid that I’m making a mistake. Maybe I’m the one who is a little off, or the one making things difficult. I’m afraid that that he’ll fill my kids heads with crap about me and I won’t be strong enough to take it. And maybe if I’m brutally honest I’m afraid that if I leave everything will be great and I won’t have any excuses to be unhappy anymore. That I won’t have anyone to blame for my laziness, overeating, lack of patients and motivation. That all the decisions would be my own and I’d have to take responsibility for them.
Now in general I don’t really “blame” those things on him. But I think in some way the situation makes it ok for me to continue acting the way I do, just the same way he gets to keep acting the way he does. It’s a reason to resist change. It’s really really hard for me to look at it like that, but it’s probably the truth. I’ve never solely pointed the finger at him but when I put it this way it does seem like I’m much more of the problem than I really care to admit. Which leads me right back where I started thinking isitme?
And what if I go and then he does change and I’m still stuck here the screwed up one? Then I’m really going to be sorry.
What sucks me back in?
Well I guess it would be the quacking. All the promises and I’m sorrys and I love you’s. All the, you’re the only one I’ve ever really loved and the only one I will ever love. All the promises of change and the easiness of just doing nothing. The second guessing of myself leads me into believing I’m overreacting. It’s not that bad. Just give it one more shot. Isitme? The kids love him and I don’t want to go through all of the above fears.
What am I most afraid of??
I guess I’m really not sure. I think I’m afraid that I’m making a mistake. Maybe I’m the one who is a little off, or the one making things difficult. I’m afraid that that he’ll fill my kids heads with crap about me and I won’t be strong enough to take it. And maybe if I’m brutally honest I’m afraid that if I leave everything will be great and I won’t have any excuses to be unhappy anymore. That I won’t have anyone to blame for my laziness, overeating, lack of patients and motivation. That all the decisions would be my own and I’d have to take responsibility for them.
Now in general I don’t really “blame” those things on him. But I think in some way the situation makes it ok for me to continue acting the way I do, just the same way he gets to keep acting the way he does. It’s a reason to resist change. It’s really really hard for me to look at it like that, but it’s probably the truth. I’ve never solely pointed the finger at him but when I put it this way it does seem like I’m much more of the problem than I really care to admit. Which leads me right back where I started thinking isitme?
And what if I go and then he does change and I’m still stuck here the screwed up one? Then I’m really going to be sorry.
What sucks me back in?
Well I guess it would be the quacking. All the promises and I’m sorrys and I love you’s. All the, you’re the only one I’ve ever really loved and the only one I will ever love. All the promises of change and the easiness of just doing nothing. The second guessing of myself leads me into believing I’m overreacting. It’s not that bad. Just give it one more shot. Isitme? The kids love him and I don’t want to go through all of the above fears.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Isitme Dear,
In my experience, we leave when we've had all we can take, and we can't take the insanity any more. Sometimes there are extenuating circumstances (like abuse for example). But usually, you leave when you've just plain had it up to here.
Meanwhile, we're here for you through it all. We've been there, done that, whatever it is. But you know that... you've been here long enough to know there is Help/Healing/Love here.
Hugs,
Tigger
In my experience, we leave when we've had all we can take, and we can't take the insanity any more. Sometimes there are extenuating circumstances (like abuse for example). But usually, you leave when you've just plain had it up to here.
Meanwhile, we're here for you through it all. We've been there, done that, whatever it is. But you know that... you've been here long enough to know there is Help/Healing/Love here.
Hugs,
Tigger
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by isitme 
And what if I go and then he does change and I’m still stuck here the screwed up one? Then I’m really going to be sorry.
Have you read this sticky thread recently? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-decision.html. Try and stop second guessing yourself - I'm very capable of analysis paralysis. I overthink things and end up unable to make a decision, which is itself a decision.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Can you accept him for who he is, right now, alcoholism and all? You cannot count on him being anyone else. I waited for years for XAH to actually follow through on all his promises. It didn't happen. You only have the power to change you.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
Thanks bookwyrm - I believe someone posted that for me the last time I did this.. 
I needed to read it again, that's for sure. I'll have to digest it all again.
I'm really not sure why I do this. I think the kids make me second guess myself more than I would with out them. I wouldn't mind making a "wrong" decision for myself but I don't want to drag everyone else along with me.
I needed to read it again, that's for sure. I'll have to digest it all again.
I'm really not sure why I do this. I think the kids make me second guess myself more than I would with out them. I wouldn't mind making a "wrong" decision for myself but I don't want to drag everyone else along with me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i think the hardest thing to "get", has been to accept and live with the other person HOW HE IS RIGHT NOW, and not project what he would be if only.
fear kept me in a marriage for much longer than it probably should have. the moment he moved out, though (after some tears) i never looked back, never regretted it for one second, even though there were stresses and harder financial times.
but that was me.
looking at oneself is always way harder than looking at someone else. again, my experience: i think i got a lot of feel-good when i would criticize my husband, tell him what he should be doing, when he would come to me broken and remorseful for not being "good enough". i think it's when we really look at ourselves that true growth happens.
please don't be ashamed; you, like us all, are learning
fear kept me in a marriage for much longer than it probably should have. the moment he moved out, though (after some tears) i never looked back, never regretted it for one second, even though there were stresses and harder financial times.
but that was me.
looking at oneself is always way harder than looking at someone else. again, my experience: i think i got a lot of feel-good when i would criticize my husband, tell him what he should be doing, when he would come to me broken and remorseful for not being "good enough". i think it's when we really look at ourselves that true growth happens.
please don't be ashamed; you, like us all, are learning
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
I've read here many times, "you will absolutely, positively, know when it time for you to go". It's true.
My aw was half way through court ordered 28 day in patient rehab. I could tell in my gut that she wasn't "getting it".
I went to the enemy, the CPS supervisor, and asked her if my wife came home and relapsed like 90+ percent do, what their next move would be. She was very frank, said the Dept. would remove my then 4yo daughter from BOTH of us.
At that exact moment in time in that ladies office, I knew I was done. The stakes were too high.
Nothing else mattered other than getting myself and my daughter free from the alcoholism and the alcoholic. Literally every fiber of my being was focused on saving us.
All the wishy-washy feelings of wondering if I was doing the "right" thing were gone. I KNEW.
And so will you.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
My aw was half way through court ordered 28 day in patient rehab. I could tell in my gut that she wasn't "getting it".
I went to the enemy, the CPS supervisor, and asked her if my wife came home and relapsed like 90+ percent do, what their next move would be. She was very frank, said the Dept. would remove my then 4yo daughter from BOTH of us.
At that exact moment in time in that ladies office, I knew I was done. The stakes were too high.
Nothing else mattered other than getting myself and my daughter free from the alcoholism and the alcoholic. Literally every fiber of my being was focused on saving us.
All the wishy-washy feelings of wondering if I was doing the "right" thing were gone. I KNEW.
And so will you.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
When your head is spinning with "what if's, maybe's, should I, should I not", we need to stop and just be quiet for a short while. No thinking at all, just turn off the engine.
I made a list of reasons for leaving my AH, a list of reasons for staying, and one of fears and doubts associated with both moves. I decided that those fears and doubts were not big enough to outweigh my need to leave...for my sake.
Only you can feel what you feel, and only you can decide when you absolutely cannot stay in the situation anymore. When you are busting to get free of where you are, feel suffocated in your mind and soul, then you will move mountains and leave.
Keeping you in my prayers,
God bless
I made a list of reasons for leaving my AH, a list of reasons for staying, and one of fears and doubts associated with both moves. I decided that those fears and doubts were not big enough to outweigh my need to leave...for my sake.
Only you can feel what you feel, and only you can decide when you absolutely cannot stay in the situation anymore. When you are busting to get free of where you are, feel suffocated in your mind and soul, then you will move mountains and leave.
Keeping you in my prayers,
God bless
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
Oh the what if's.. you all are so right. That's why this lovey make up cycle seems to stunt me. When it's all happening I can so clearly see it for what it is. Right now. And I know it's time to go. But as soon as the smooth over begins I see that. And everything seems ok. (Although I admit I can see it's a smooth over) Then I start the what ifs.. what if he can be better and what if he does it again. Right now today.. it's ok. Not the happiest I've ever been but I'm not busting at the chance to run either.
Though in my head I know it's what will need to happen and I should stop prolonging it.
Though in my head I know it's what will need to happen and I should stop prolonging it.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
When your truly and completely ready, it'll just happen. All the worrying in the world won't help or change or prevent it. It'll happen because it's what's meant to happen for you at that moment.
Until then, *hugs*!
Until then, *hugs*!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
I'm so there with you!
My hubby is back to nice, loving hubby. Meanwhile, I am distrusting and hurt and angry and annoyed. I do like nice hubby better...but I don't get the true apology or acknowlegment or change...
Right now I am out of town staying with friends and a few days ago I got a 24 bug or food poisoning (who knows) and puked all night. I missed him so much and just wished he was here to take care of me. Then I felt so wierd. Am I just using him to comfort me? I haven't missed him on the rest of my trip...
I think of all the things we have in common and how well suited we are for one another in interests and in values and I fear I underappreciate those things...
So I go around in circles. But I am doing the work, as it seems you are. And I trust, as others say here, that we will come to a place of peace with a decision, as long as we keep our eyes open and go further inward.
Thanks for sharing your process. It helps to know we are not alone.
Hugs
w:ghug3
My hubby is back to nice, loving hubby. Meanwhile, I am distrusting and hurt and angry and annoyed. I do like nice hubby better...but I don't get the true apology or acknowlegment or change...
Right now I am out of town staying with friends and a few days ago I got a 24 bug or food poisoning (who knows) and puked all night. I missed him so much and just wished he was here to take care of me. Then I felt so wierd. Am I just using him to comfort me? I haven't missed him on the rest of my trip...
I think of all the things we have in common and how well suited we are for one another in interests and in values and I fear I underappreciate those things...
So I go around in circles. But I am doing the work, as it seems you are. And I trust, as others say here, that we will come to a place of peace with a decision, as long as we keep our eyes open and go further inward.
Thanks for sharing your process. It helps to know we are not alone.
Hugs
w:ghug3
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
Don't be so hard on yourself, we all go through the cycles and especially the make up one. We want to believe things will get better and the cycles will finally stop. My AH has been staying somewhere on the weekends per my request. Yesterday he wanted to talk. He talked and I listened but I am still going to stay steading on my path regardless of his promises. He (once again) promised to stop for good. Do I believe him? NO NO. I have heard it too many times.
I think it is so tough because of all the emotions and the history we have with our A. I'm starting to feel, I am getting closer to what needs to be done and I am focusing on me now and not him. It is a journey and we all have our different paths to follow because each of our situations are different. Each one of us will get there when we are ready and we will learn along the way. Try and look back at how far you have come and believe that you will find peace in your own time. Progress not Perfection.
:ghug3:ghug3
I think it is so tough because of all the emotions and the history we have with our A. I'm starting to feel, I am getting closer to what needs to be done and I am focusing on me now and not him. It is a journey and we all have our different paths to follow because each of our situations are different. Each one of us will get there when we are ready and we will learn along the way. Try and look back at how far you have come and believe that you will find peace in your own time. Progress not Perfection.
:ghug3:ghug3
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