What was

Old 01-24-2010, 11:30 PM
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What was

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Old 01-24-2010, 11:39 PM
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It's cold and dark
for one more night
I walk alone in desolation
by now a well known territory of mine

chilling wind meets my face
deep rooted tears of regret
a place of self pity and deceit
am I not to find my way?

inside this wandering soul
there's no room for something else

I keep walking sad and tired
for sure I'm losing my mind
I am nothing at all
it is still a starry night

there is a glimpse of hope
a sudden rush sheds me some light

my true and only protection
is the memory of your warmth
a precious moment forever lost
but to the two of us

perfect mix of sweetness and desire
while we played undoubtedly with fire
soothing gaze and glance of heaven
an unexpected encounter ...

followed up by silence.
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Old 01-24-2010, 11:40 PM
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Old 01-24-2010, 11:48 PM
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Just felt the need to get this stuff "out there". Suddenly I remembered this vivid image of F, smiling at me like a little kid. It seems decades away now. Thanks for understanding how it feels. I remembered in order to move on one has to accept feelings, I accept there is still some longing in my heart. I miss him. More than as a boyfriend.. as a friend. I miss the conversations, his hugs and laughs. Getting this stuff while I was mourning deeply "out to the world" feels appropiate and is a relief...
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Old 01-25-2010, 04:08 AM
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Arrow

Sorry that you are in pain. I feel your pain. This is powerful stuff to deal with - and something we all here on SR share. Keep on feeling your feelings - it is alot to deal with ....losing a relationship and even more so when addiction is involved.

You inspired me so much. You are so brave .

This too shall pass....
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Old 01-25-2010, 04:32 AM
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Thanks freefalling. That is how I felt for many months last year. I found those drawings yesterday and tore them apart... but before I took a picture, so when I feel tempted to nostalgia I remember what I felt because of his actions and remember life is better without him.

This was so "light" compared to what many others go through, so many people here are totally unaware of how strong they are.

But for me.. I know it is out of place, but having gone through the deaths of loved ones.... having the person and the hopes "die" so suddenly, while still seeing the same alcoholic around, with the same voice and the same tone and the same body was (still is sometimes..) much more difficult to cope with.

In death you know they are in God's hands and the love shared was real. With alcoholics in progression you don't know if anything was real at all for the other person...and most certainly they are asking for disaster to happen... yet one has to find peace... and let them go.


Hugs!!
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Old 01-25-2010, 07:27 AM
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Oh my- how touching TC. It's true that it is so hard to mourn something that your not quite sure was ever there.
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Old 01-26-2010, 03:54 AM
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TC....what a truth your words are.

Quote: In death you know they are in God's hands and the love shared was real. With alcoholics in progression you don't know if anything was real at all for the other person...and most certainly they are asking for disaster to happen... yet one has to find peace... and let them go.

I am so sorry for your pain and sadness, and wish I could give you a real hug.

Hope you realise how much you mean to so many of us here.

God bless
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Old 10-30-2010, 03:00 PM
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Well, I found the second drawing yesterday.

I took it to the therapist today and she said it shows a deep, long engrained sadness.

I thought it was those dreams that I was mourning but she said I was mourning the death of the old TC999.

And that I got what it takes to overcome the depression, XABF and everything else, because I drew myself WHITE, not black, the environment is black, but not me.


She stored it and told me we would burn it in a ceremony. In fact he said he would ask the people in the group therapy to draw their own drawings. And we will all burn these together. I find myself crying over this pic again and over everything. I really want to get over this XABF thing and the overall dissatisfaction/apathy/depression. At least I was humble enough to ask for help and I know I will cry a lot in that session and won't even be able to explain why I felt/feel this way. Abandonment quite sums it up. But I am glad I do not keep that drawing at home. Now excuse me while I keep getting this sadness out. Man it really strikes you when you feel stonger. But its ok. I know its a healing process...

Like the Bkjork song says "I will be brand new tomorrow... a little bit tired, but brand new"
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