SadButHopeful

I am furious that I had to go so far as to tell him that I would leave to get him to do this.

He burned them all.

Now, he is claiming that I must be having a manic episode (I'm bipolar). He thinks I'm acting crazy to threaten separation and for being so adamant about the plants.

I can't stand this much more. He thinks that all of my anger at him is due to being bipolar.

Now, I know that I'm bipolar, but, PLEASE TELL ME THAT I'M NOT BEING CRAZY IN THIS SITUATION!!!!!

He's making me second guess every decision and boundary I make. He wants me to leave my dd and ds here while I pick up my older dd from school, however, he has been drinking for the past 2 hours. He's not plastered yet, but I won't do it, and he thinks that I'm just being difficult, stubborn, and manic.

Please help me out of these mind games!!!

suki44883

You don't have to second-guess anything and if you don't want to leave your other kids with him, take them with you. No need to argue or defend your decisions. Don't do the dance.

Insulated

Nope. You're not crazy. Boundaries. When I was reading your earlier posts, I was thinking to myself "it'd be me or those plants". Just based on the notion of guilty by association. You've done the right thing and be proud of yourself.

GiveLove

You don't have to argue with him. If you want to take the kids (and you should), take them. He is not judge and jury over you, sad. He's just an addict trying to lay blame on you (probably because it's always worked before)

I reduced my boundaries to one-sentence statements, easily said and easily written. You might do the same, just to reinforce the fact that NO, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.

• I will not endanger myself, my home, and my kids by living in a house with illegal drugs
• I will not endanger my children by leaving them in the care of someone who's been drinking

Does that sound crazy to you?

Didn't think so.

ItsmeAlice

Of course, he thinks you're crazy and he wants you to believe you're crazy because the real truth is that he is an addict who puts the prize of addiction above and beyond the love, safety, and freedom of his family. He made selfish and ugly choices and when finally confronted with a consequence he couldn't endure he had to take an action he didn't like. The only way to make this last choice of his tolerable is to make it all your fault.

You refused to suffer a consequence of his addiction and he folded. BRAVO! You are not crazy. You are living in the real world and he doesn't like.

Take a deep breath now because addiction is progressive and unless he's now in recovery, he will torment, cadjole, lie, manipulate, and threaten you to get those damn plants back. It's at this point in the dance that they push every panic button you have and it seems the bipolar button is a favorite of his to peck on.

Remember the dark side of ultimatums is that if they are pressed again, you have to back up your own stuff. If you find a plant hidden somewhere that he conveniently forgot to burn, pack your bags, it's time to go. Seriously.

Alice

transformyself

SBH I am so sorry.

They will use anything, anything at all to get you to self doubt yourself. For folks like us, that acknowledge our difficulties, it leave us wide open to this type of abuse.

You don't deserve this. I hope you find peace soon.

SadButHopeful

Things are just horrible here. He's been on the phone with MIL & FIL, telling them how crazy I am. AH came to me and told me that FIL wanted to speak with me, and I was hesitant, but I agreed and AH left me alone. FIL completely saw my side of things, said that I am a good wife, and not crazy. I know that my MIL feels the same way, we are very close.

Well AH just got off the phone with FIL and locked himself in his room crying his eyes out (unlike him).

I'm nervous - things are really bad between us right now, and there is a snowstorm. He's been violent on 2 occasions, not likely to become violent, although those 2 times even still have me on eggshells. It's not that I'm even that nervous about violence, it's the tension. I can't stand it. I feel so trapped.

Just wanted to update. Please tell me that I can get through this evening.

Thank you so much!

ItsmeAlice

Absolutely you can!!

Hang on to that validation by your MIL and FIL. When we are locked in a mental battle with an addict any voice of reason should be coveted. The crying is what it is. Have compassion for him but keep a healthy distance. I'm not saying be skeptical of the tears, he could be on the verge of understanding the depth his addiction has gone to, and that can be a could thing. Just let him have his emotions. If he doesn't normally have a way to deal with emotions but to get high, it may be a tough road if that option is not available to him right now.

Do your best to remain calm. If you can't leave in the short term and let him 'cry it out' then just be still in your own mind and behavior. Don't discuss any hot topics. Don't go in there after him to talk. Don't follow him if he leaves.

If he wants to engage you try to back out of the discussion if you can. Try to encourage him to talk another time when he feels better or when you all have time to reflect....and gather witnesses.

When my XABF felt me detach from him and he began feeling the consequences of his alcoholism, he thrashed wildly. He was sad, he was mad, he banged around the house, he cried alone in the dark, he moped, he sweet talked. Basically he didn't know what to do so he tried everything to feel better and make his troubled go away. I had to stay detached and watch from a safe distance. I had to keep my compassion in the forefront as this wasn't about watching him suffer, it was about pulling back and letting him deal with the very big decision he was making for himself, which was to choose alcohol over sobriety. I felt bad for him that he chose a progressive disease over what could have been a happy love, so I hung on to that.

Hang in there!!

Alice

LaTeeDa

I have to admit more than a little concern here. He has been violent before. You are standing up to him and setting boundaries. This is a recipe for trouble.

I agree with Anvil. It would be a good thing (and make me more comfortable ) if you could get away. At least until he calms down a bit.

L

stella27

Do your inlaws live nearby? maybe you and the kiddos could go camp out over there?
I'm worried for you, sweetie.

SadButHopeful

Well he's drained I think, and very drunk, so he went to bed.

The only thing he's done is slammed the door.

My in-laws live in another country, but my parents live nearby. I could go there if I had to.

Thank you all

Bolina

Plan B is good advice in this situation. In fact, in all situations with active alcoholics, it is an excellent idea.

It's funny, I thought that the way to change the law if you didn't agree with it was through the legislative process. Rather than just saying "I don't agree with it" and doing whatever you want anyway. There are people who say "I will do what I want until I am stopped or until it is not worth my while any longer". Those people are pathological (and/or politicians) and are best left to those with a badge.

Hope you keep safe. And keep the kiddies safe too.

Hadassah

when my brother started growing a pot plant in his room as a teenager, my sister sprayed it with hairspray. It died. He doesn't even need to know.

SadButHopeful

Well, my AH is furious. I heard him get up around midnight, and he came in and wanted the phone, which I had taken to bed with me, so I gave it to him.

I got up just to tell him that I was going to get up at 4:30 to work (I knew there was a 50/50 chance that he would join me) he was ranting and raving, saying that I have his dad wrapped around my finger! He said if it's not the plants, it's the drinking, nothing is ever good enough and that he might as well just be a different person because I don't accept him as he is.

Aren't I terrrible? I have such a hard time tolerating illegal plants, drinking all day and evening EVERY day, neglecting our kids, and not doing any work while I run around like crazy 12 hours a day. What a nagging wife I am.

He mentioned the possibility of going back to the UK where he's from. I said, well the kids would miss you, remember to put them first, and he rolled his eyes.

What kind of day am I in for?

God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

I'm going to pray a lot, try to stay strong and focussed and not let him tear me down. I'll check in as often as I can.

transformyself

Great plan! I'll be praying for you as well

Bolina

He's not far off the mark there, though, is he? But you are perfectly at liberty NOT to accept the "illegal plants, drinking all day and evening EVERY day, neglecting our kids, and not doing any work while I run around like crazy 12 hours a day" in your life. If you are intent on not having them as part of your life and he is intent on continuing doing those things, then the ball is in your court to change YOUR life. Just as it says in the Serenity Prayer.

Depending on his visa status, he may well get his desire to go the UK if or when he gets busted. And, if I understand correctly, he will not be able to return to the US with a drugs charge on his record.

BTW (and I realise that this is hard to hear), are either of you putting the kids first in this situation?

Hope you have a peaceful day.

SadButHopeful

I guess he's right, I don't.

My #1 goal is to put the kids first. What do you mean? I'm all ears. Pls see my other post, I'm really trying to figure this out.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-my-kids.html

nodaybut2day

Sad...can I be your own personal cheering section for the day?



I think you're doing amazingly well considering a highly stressful situation.

I wonder if he could be "encouraged" to go back to the UK...might make your life slightly easier...

coffeedrinker

sadbut,

i know you have struggled with whether or not to break up your family (it's already kinda broken, but you know what i mean).

you clearly want what's best for your children.

in my opinion, having a models of: a messed-up marriage, a dysfunctional adult man, and
father, are the poor choice. it would only be worse if he were physically abusive.

you are also struggling with the acceptance concept. this was just talked about yesterday on a thread (cessy, "big question")
remember, accepting him as he is, is not the same as tolerating his behaviors.

i see this marijuana a couple different ways. yeah, it's just weed. yeah, he doesn't have this huge production. yeah, you've tolerated it just fine until some people put some dramatic notions in your head (not disagreeing with any of them)
so this is sort of out of left field as far as he's concerned probably.

"it's always something". that's because he is engaging in illicit, drug-using, mood-altering, and just plain out-of-the-mainstream behavior. in MY world, people aren't supposed to act like this. they aren't SUPPOSED to want to grow their illegal drug of choice in the basement, they aren't SUPPOSED to have a triangle debate thing with their spouse and the parents, they aren't SUPPOSED to be stinkin drunk in the home, in front of the kids. heck, anywhere! unless they're still in the 20-years-old-and-experimenting stage. this is simply not the "right" way us as adults are supposed to be behaving.

can i ask, is there anywhere that he can stay for awhile? the peace for the rest of the family would be awesome right now.

and one piece of advice:
you can't ask him to see your side of any of this. he is not functioning as a rational person. so please don't try and engage him in discussions that will just turn into arguments. i have done this myself so many, many times, and it is always futile. they see things their messed-up way no matter what

SadButHopeful

I'm so upset. I'm going to call my MIL while I have time, he's going to be out for about 40 minutes.