transformyself

My sister had an entire crop eaten by deer. You could say the cat ate them.
Seriously, though. They get pretty big, and smelly.

I know we went off on a tangent (thanks GL for reeling us back in) but to me this represents the crux of living with an A. How do we create boundaries and hold them?

Not going to jail for illegal activity is a pretty basic boundary. Perhaps you can show him the links I posted. That might work, considering they're not on "Go Get Yourself Sober" websites, but rather "Fight The Drug War" websites.

Hope you check in and let us know how it's going.

SadButHopeful

Well they are still here. There are only a few, and like I said they are for personal use.

I told him that I wanted him to get rid of them, but he said "maybe". He keeps going on about how the laws are changing and not that bad anymore, but we live in a state where it is still illegal. There is a bill that may be passed soon to legalize it for medical uses, but even still, it would be illegal for him.

He's not happy. He's not violent, but I hate it when he's angry with me, it makes me so anxious.

I don't know....I didn't watch the links because the kids are always around, but the article that was posted was about a woman arrested for possession of crack. Wouldn't that be much different? Are the laws more strict when it comes to harder drugs?

bookwyrm

Sweetie, you have been given a lot of good advice and some very serious warnings about the possible consequences of having this drug in your home in this thread. It looks as though you are still engaging in 'wishful thinking' however. Go back and re read the posts very carefully. Do you want your children taken into care? Are you willing to take that risk? You don't even have to confront him about it - you have been given alternative options.

SadButHopeful

You're right. They have to go. I'll update again later.

JenT1968

mmm, I remember when tbxAH was growing, I was not happy about it, I don't believe drugs shuld be illegal, but given that they are I don't want them in my home, 'specially, large, foul-smelling plants that have to be talked about endlessly. I made that abundantly clear. AH did it anyway (in the shed), and talked loudly about it to anyone who was a passing aquaintance, and then got really paranoid that the police were following him. Happy days.

I am never, EVER going to be in a relationship with someone who disregards my feelings about my home and living environment again.

SadButHopeful

What happens if I go to my mom's and call the police? Are they still going to arrest me? What if I speak to the police and tell them that this is being done against my will?

LaTeeDa

I'm not qualified to answer that question. Does this mean you asked him to get rid of it and he refused? If that is the case, then you have a much bigger problem than illegal plants.

L

transformyself

You may want to consult an attorney, in your area, that specialized in criminal defense. Drug charges defense.

But yes, I too am wondering if you've addressed it with your AH.

SadButHopeful

Yes I have addressed it. He asked me to listen to his side, so I did, however I am not convinced that this is right and I want them gone. He keeps wanting to talk it out, but I said today that there's nothing more to discuss. We were literally having this conversation as I was leaving to go on errands, and I just got back. He's drunk of course, and said that he'll tell me what decisions he's come to tomorrow. I tried to get him to talk and said that it seems obvious that he wants to keep them but he won't say anything. They're still here. He's probably planning on keeping them in the shed or something but I won't put up with that either.

I'll let you know tomorrow what happens.

transformyself

Well I would feel personally like I had contributed to unnecessary violence if you turned him in. No one deserves to be raided by a SWAT team. But you also don't deserve to live in fear.

I feel that I contributed to your fear, but was trying to educate you about the dangers of being raided.

It's your situation and you've got to live with it, but I would advise you to not escalate or call the police. But that's because I"m opposed to drug raids in general.

I hope you can be calm, be direct and take action.

transformyself

Ugh, but I also konw what it's like to be stonewalled on my boundary by a drunk. I am just very very sorry..

ItsmeAlice

Anivl - you've got my number on this dilemma.

I'm the one who would slip some weed killer in there and deny any knowledge of the rapid crop loss. What a shame

From there, no new plants allowed.

Alice

SadButHopeful

Will there seriously be a swat team for a few plants? I cannot wait to have this discussion tomorrow.

LaTeeDa

The way I see it, there are two problems here.

Problem one: Pot plants in the house, risk of fines, jail, other repurcussions, which could be major, or minor.

Problem two: A husband who cares more about getting a buzz than the well-being of his family.

The first problem is easy to solve. A little RoundUp--problem solved.

The second problem is the real problem. Is this the kind of man you want to spend your life with? The kind of role-model you want for your children? There will continue to be all kinds of smaller problems, until you decide what to do about the real problem.

L

transformyself

Well LTD in my opinion is right about the biggest concerns.

Again, i would consult with a criminal defense attorney if you really want legal advice. My information comes from a drug policy reform perspective and the links I sent you earlier represent not the worst of what can happen, but the norm for what does occur. There is such hysteria (money and prestige for the busting jurisdictions) surrounding drug busts, and pot is the most prevelant and easy to track down.

Whether or not a full swat team comes in for a few pot plants depends on where you live, and how desperate the local sheriff is for some federal grant money or recongnition (like if it's an election cycle) and who you know.

Realistically, no one can tell. No one. And I feel we've gotten off the thrust of the real issue here, like GL originally steered us back to.

You asked what you should do. I gave you some of the information I had about the drug war which you are now a part of. Your AH has been told how you feel about growing pot. Will he respect your boundaries? To me, that is the important issue.

SadButHopeful

Again this morning, AH didn't want to discuss his "decisions". I told him that I would tell him mine. I said that he is putting his plants above the safety of his family and that I wouldn't tolerate it, and that if he doesn't get rid of them that I will file for separation.

It's been a busy morning but he still hasn't responded! He's the most selfish person I've ever known.

I'll update when I can but it's going to be a crazy day - sick child, sick baby, school runs, and I've got to get this second car up and running asap.

Praying friends, please pray!

transformyself

Prayers goin up!

Thank you for bringing SBH strength and peace.
Thank you for healing sick child and sick baby.

coffeedrinker

sadbut,

every time i have read on this thread the suggestion that you sneak a little roundup in, i think "yeah right, he's not gonna know she did that? come on." it wouldn't matter if he could prove it or not, he would believe you did. i don't know if he is ever violent, but if he's an addict, i do know he can get ugly, esp. when it comes to protecting his priorities.

not saying to drop this - just be careful.

i think you are proceeding the correct way. if he's the most selfish man you've ever met, a separation just might be the thing to do. whether you do or not, this is the place to process all of it.

transformyself

Yeah, I think the same thing when i see those suggestions. Killing, destroying the plants, calling the cops. Those, to me, are all manipulations. I have done my share of revenge tactics, don't get me wrong!

Nowadays, for me, my best plan is to have clear boundaries, clear consequences, legal advice and friends with trucks.

LaTeeDa

I guess I was looking at it as a boundary. I never suggested he wouldn't know who did it. To me, boundaries have to be enforced by the person who set them. So, if the boundary is "no pot plants in my house," I have to be willing to enforce that boundary. Asking for him to remove them is fine, but if he doesn't, then what? Taking care of the problem by killing the plants would be enforcement of the boundary.

Seems to be a moot point now since separation is the consequence instead.

L