Kassie2

I have been quiet for the week trying to sort out what happened with my RAH and I. He called about paying his portion of a bill and then I guess b/c he had my attention moved into hurtful mode.

My T (therapist) suggested this image - some kids you time out and they take advantage of the time to calm down and redirect their energy - some kids you time out destroy everything in sight until they run out of energy.

I didn't know what to say or do with that image. I only know that I am trying to accept the situation as it is - I try to keep focused on me and not on the relationship b/c I know I can only control my stuff. Everyone thinks that I am doing much better but they don't know/understand how it feels.

But I am here to say that I don't like it! I don't like not sleeping well, being alone and not having anyone to talk to at the end of the day, waking up sad, and thinking sometimes in my crazy way that this is no better than my life with RAH. This is not making sense to me.

gns

Dear Kassie,

At first, after I left my XABF I was pretty damn close to suicidal (which is SO unlike me!). There was a reason I stayed in a suboptimal relationship. I later learned that the "hole" I was desparately trying to fill with a yucky man, is something I can fill so much better by myself and with healthy friendships.

I am sending you lots of hugs and support!

LuvinMe

It gets better with time..

Kassie2

I guess I hear what others are saying. A bit of background may help to enlighten my sitch.

Was married 4 years ago - separated after 2 yrs - H got sober 1 year ago. I am an older person and this is a second marriage. First was not A and I have never been in a rel with and A before. No prob with affairs or abuse. So this is all new to me. Recognized the problem early on and separated - he got sober then and we went to MC. He relapsed - got sober again and relapsed later which led to our current sep.

He has so much more to learn and so do I. Right now, we have no contact b/c I am setting a boundary that it not ok to blame me for everything. So I think I am doing what I can - the problem for me is that I am still very unhappy and lonely and have little support except from my adult children who just left the nest.

I am here to get support for myself and see if I can fell better through talking and encouragement of others esp who have been through this. There are similarities with A behavior, and being the one who has to separate from the sitch to be ok. I guess it I don't communicate very well just how much I need and benefit from support. But I am trying.

Learn2Live

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Sometimes, Kassie, the answers are so simple, we overlook them day after day, month after month, year after year. Sometimes, we focus so much on our relationships with others, and trying to get our needs met through our relationships with others, that we forget about ourselves and what our needs really are. Sometimes, we are so accustomed to making OTHER PEOPLE our own Higher Power, that we can't even fathom a TRUE Higher Power.

So, let's focus on what we CAN control:

What changes have you made to your lifestyle that are shown to improve sleep? Have you: Blackened out all your windows with heavy material? Stopped looking at blue screens like computer and T.V. screens at least two hours before you want to fall asleep? Started exercising 20 minutes a day? Started eating more complex carbohydrates instead of simple sugars so that you can sleep longer? Gotten yourself into a healthy daily routine? Eliminated drama and confusion from your life, especially your late afternoon/evening life?

What changes have you made to your lifestyle that are shown to improve our social lives? Have you: Taught yourself how to be WITH yourself? Investigated and learned what it is YOU like, and what YOU like to do? Practiced doing things WITH yourself, like going to the movies or out to dinner? Made YOUR OWN friends, who are also healthy and whose company you enjoy? Found a personal hobby or interest that brings you satisfaction?

Have you: Given Al-Anon a try? Exchanged phone numbers with anyone at Al-Anon? Started working any of the 12 steps? Made a conscious contact with your Higher Power? Tried attending a religious institution or joining a religion study group?

You can get away from the alcohol; you can get away from the alcoholic, but you are still left with yourself. Another relationship with another person is NOT going to bring you what you need. ONLY YOU can do that and it takes courage, perserverance, hard work and MOTIVATION to build the YOU and the life that you want. Start today. Take one step and then another, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Soon, you will be so focused on yourself and your life, that you won't even remember RAH's name!

Start by turning off your television and going for a walk. Get going girl!

ItsmeAlice

When XABF separated, I had similar feelings. I felt as if my world had fallen apart and his was looking rosy. He had a job, great housing, friends, family, and of course uninterupted evening to drink. All the responsibilities he had to endure when he got home at the end of the day were gone and he was able to life his chosen lifestyle in peace. I on the other hand lost a major source of income, my source of housing, any help he did give in the way of care of our many animals, and was left without companionship at the end of the day (even though his companionship was haphazard at best when we were together).

When I started thinking that somehow my life with an alcoholic was better than the path I was on, it helped to think of my feelings as those of an addict in recovery.

We find it confusing that an addict would come out of rehab with the tools to stay sober, would live for months or years without using building a perfectly happy life and somehow would still make the decision to use again and spiral back into addiction. We ask ourselves how could someone choose addiction over their new life....it's the nature of addiction, right? When stress hits you think that going back to a destructive life is somehow better than where you're at.

For me, this was where the tools of recovery came in. Getting to the root of what is triggering my thoughts of going back to my addict relationship and addressing that core stressor in a healthy way stopped those feelings and redirected me on my path of independence.

It's not healthy to go backwards so what can you do to move forward and change these issues in a healthy way?

Best to you,

Alice

transformyself

Just want to offer support and prayers..

Kassie2

First of all, Thank you, thank you, thank you all for responding. Having a hard week and weekend.

I love the sound advise and basic recommendations- that is so like me! So I am hearing some of what I need to hear. With the sleep I don't have a problem falling asleep at all - it more like staying that way and I know that it is stress related. Recently my daughter came home for the break and I took off work for the week and I had no problem sleeping. It has been off and on between work and RAH. Work has been stressful - I work with people all day and at the end of the day -I want someone who will listen to me when I am ready to talk - but I really have a hard time listening to anyone else at that point. I am tired. With my daughter home we vegged out every night in bed with healthy snacks and watching tv. It was wonderful! But now she is gone. Her chatter I can bear almost.

But the more I talk the more I realize that I have to do something about work stress. I love my job, I love most of the people I work with. Have to find more balance there I guess. Co-workers are supportive when available in work - but not outside work. That is one limitation and I am really ok with that.

I think the other - social is that I really want my family life back. Not possible as many are deceased and my kids are on their own, and my friends have very involved lives of their own. Talk about things one can't control... I am older and alone. Not what I expected or wanted.

I am in therapy which is why I am here - trying to moving forward not backwards - but I have trying for the past year - living alone -not feeling any better - not seeing any difference altho I will not go back to RAH relationship just b/c I am lonely if it comes down to that.

freefalling

It really will get better with more time and focussing on You. Hang in there.

LaTeeDa

Journaling helped me in so many ways. It gave me a safe place to spew all my anger and resentment, it helped me get to know myself so much better than I ever had before, and it gave me another activity to fill some time. Maybe you could try it to fill that 'need' to talk to someone without having to listen to them.

L

Kassie2

thanks for the suggestion about a journal - I grew up keeping one and it is certainly a helpful way to talk things out with myself. I really think I wouldn't be here or definitely a lot more screwed up if I didn't do this activity daily. I recommend it to everyone!

The only part missing in journalling is that I only have my thoughts for feedback which sort of defeats the purpose sometimes.

I appreciate everyone's reponse today - it really helped me figure something out that i should figured out a long time ago and I will take into therapy with me next week. Don't know what to do about it except heal. It has to do with my history and the present is only a trigger.

I would appreciate everyone keeping me in prayer how ever you do that. I am going to need it. 40 years of carrying pain is going to hurt when I let go. This is surgery.

Jadmack25

Sweetie, you are in my prayers already. I was 45 when I had to leave my late XAH and it was a blackhole 6 months for me, as I had never lived on my own before. Left home at 17 to nurse, and lived in nurses homes with umpteen other women till I married at 20.

It does help to spend time to look at yourself. I thought about what I was doing, not doing, what I wanted to do short term and in future, and what I could do to make life happier for me.

When I had a list of options I started small, and worked my way thru them.
I have overcome my dread of computers, (I was afraid of ATM's for Pete's sake) got one and learned to enjoy what I could do with it. Now am on my 3rd, using FB and Skype daily.
I did Psychology thru mature age, (I was 50 then) entry to university and got my Degree when 54, then helped out at a couple of centres as a volunteer counsellor.
I left school in year 8 of High School, and had to sit a basic exam to get into nursing, something you can't do now as the profession is a university course now.

I please myself as to what I do and am no longer at everyone's beck and call. Mondays used always to be a big washing day, but today it is raining, I don't feel like washing anyway, so IT CAN WAIT.

I hope you can use some of what I found suited me, suggestions from others and get past this yukky stage in your walk to FREEDOM.

God bless

barb dwyer

you have US... just look how, putting that first post and then the resjponses...
look how different your energy was bythe second post.

we literally NEED each other, y'all.

Kassie -
it's also a matter of getting your life centered aroud something else.

Youknow we let them become the focus of our entire existance,
whether THEY do it
or WE do it
doesn't even MATTER for a while
because it just IS that way.

Worry about HOW after you've moved on, I say.

And boy howdy is it EVER surgery.
Open brain and heart surgery
and you have to do it all yourself!

*I* think you might consider a 'reward' system.
That's what *I* did.
And I found I was completely 'self-trainable'
when giving myself the right reward.

LOL!

Like -
successfully getting through a crisis
without drinking
without hurting myself
withour resorting to escapist-istic behavior...

I treated myself to jewelry
because it was something I could always 'have on'
to remind me I *could* do it.

just a thought.

freefalling

It is painful as surgery. But it is worth every second of the operation. I went back to my STBxAH so many times not to feel the pain of the "surgery", and in the end became so sick physically , mentally and emotionally that I had to turn away from him and walk (baby steps) through the pain. You can do this! I am 46 and a SLOW learner - 22 years of marriage. You sound smart and strong to me. Keep on going!

tigger11

Alice... some fantastic wisdom;
1) "... it helped to think of my feelings as those of an addict in recovery."
2) Getting to the root of what is triggering my thoughts of going back to my addict relationship and addressing that core stressor in a healthy way stopped those feelings and redirected me on my path of independence.

I'm going to meditate and hopefully act on those.

(((KASSIE2))) HUGE HUGS!

Kassie2

I think it may be my strength that leads me to feel that I can change this situation when I really don't have any control over my RAH. People have often told me that my strength works against me at times.

Need to sort out when to be strong in a situation and when to be strong enough to know to let go.

FindingPeace1

[QUOTE=Kassie2;2496004]Fi

But the more I talk the more I realize that I have to do something about work stress. I love my job, I love most of the people I work with. Have to find more balance there I guess. Co-workers are supportive when available in work - but not outside work. That is one limitation and I am really ok with that.

I think the other - social is that I really want my family life back. Not possible as many are deceased and my kids are on their own, and my friends have very involved lives of their own. Talk about things one can't control... I am older and alone. Not what I expected or wanted.

QUOTE]

#1. HOORAY! As you stripped away the stress of the alcoholic in your life, the stress of work showed up as an issue! You are peeling away the layers of dysfunction (dys+function - what is not working) to build a life that works for you. Good for you for realizing this. Now you can find ways to ease that stress.

#2. Realizing you want your family life back is a good realization. Since we can never go back, what can you CREATE today that will give you the family life goodies? There are friends to be made out there that do not have "very involved lives of their own" that are wanting to build friendships. This actually IS something you can control. Not by magic, but by intentional action over time. Are you in a big city or little town? Some ideas - there are groups on the internet like ***** Groups that cover every interest imaginable. Its not live interaction, but its a way to connect with others on your topic of interest. Depending on your hobby, you may find live people that gather to do it. Volunteering allows you to meet others and get to know them. Religious groups are always good places to commune with others. If you need more specific suggestions, give us more info on your situation/interests and I can give you more ideas!

It feels awful, but you ARE moving forward.
When I lived alone, the worst part for me would be coming home to an empty, dark house. I had to get into a routine of moving through the sad, dark, yuck feelings to turn on the lights and the heater, light some candles, and put on some nice music while I made dinner. Once I was cooking, I felt a lot better. I just had to learn what I needed and do it for myself through the yuck. It worked.

Hugs.
We are family, too, so you are not alone.

w

Kassie2

Well this is my second attempt to talk. My first post got deleted before I was finished - spooky.

Want to say how great to have someone notice my steps forward!

How great to hear someone else know the feeling of coming home to the darkness, turning on the heat and lights, and making something to eat. I cry when I pass the empty rooms. I miss my husband and my kids all at once. I cry in the morning as I face another day w/o him, and cry myself to sleep at night b/c that is when I miss him the most.

I make jokes at work about the things that I notice now in my home w/o everyone there - like the water heater firing up or the sound of wind hitting the roof, or the dog crying next door.

Truth is I am discovering other things in my life that are not the way I planned it. I am discovering things about my life that have not changed despite all my restarts. That is stuff I will be talking about in therapy.

I know many of the answers out there b/c I help people everyday but sometimes I wonder when will it be my turn.

Learn2Live

Aw, I think you just miss him Kassie and that's OK. Just keep your head up girl and keep walking through the pain and the tears. Remember, keep working on yourself because until you've done that, you probably will not have learned and changed enough to be healthy in a relationship anyway. Alone is best for a time; trust in the process. If I had to do it all over again, after 12+ years in Recovery, I'd make the conscious contact with my Higher Power the MOST important part of my Recovery. Hang tough; you can do this!