Just found you and registered
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
Just found you and registered
Hello, everyone.
I just registered after reading through some of your threads and wanted to thank everyone for their wisdom and insight. It helped me today.
I've kept my cell shut off all day to avoid hearing the multiple calls from an alcoholic friend who wants to come visit me. I don't want her to visit me. I don't want to talk to her. But I feel guilty because she was once a good friend to me at a time when I was going through my divorce and she was on a seven-year stretch of sobriety that ended about five years ago. Since then she has had a few brief periods of sobriety. I feel as though I should "be there" for her but my logical self knows that I will end up smacking myself in the head for being so gullible.
She was in rehab twice last year and started drinking immediately upon release both times. She called in early January with some story about having been in the hospital for a heart attack over New Year's but when I asked her for the symptoms that brought her there, she said she just collapsed on the living room floor. Since she does that just about every day, I failed to grasp the heart attack part. She was very vague about all this except to tell me that they put so many needles and tubes in her in the ICU that she started pulling them out so they put her in a straightjacket.
But now she has been sober "for a long time" and she wants to visit me! I don't THINK so. In her messages she doesn't sound as if she is drinking and I've thought about answering the phone and what I could say to her, but it's difficult to have a conversation with her. She appears to have a lot of brain damage from the scores of withdrawal seizures and maybe just from sucking down straight vodka from dawn to dusk for years and so she repeats her sentences two or three times and after ten minutes will start a conversation over that we just had. I've noticed a significant worsening in this area over the past year.
Anyway, I read some posts about detaching and about not being able to change another with your words and other appropriate thoughts, and they helped me today.
And just so you know--speaking of repeating oneself--I divorced an alcoholic husband ten years ago, went to Al-Anon for a while, spent years in therapy with a great shrink who specialized in codependency, and I buried a brother four years ago who died of cirrhosis caused by Hep C, which he'd picked up during a brief stint as a junkie in his 20's, so I am not new to this. I just seem to be doomed to carting around that piece of me that still thinks I can--still SHOULD--try to save the day.
Thanks for reading.
Edit: I live about 60 miles away, so by "visit me" she means take a train to where I live and STAY here.
I just registered after reading through some of your threads and wanted to thank everyone for their wisdom and insight. It helped me today.
I've kept my cell shut off all day to avoid hearing the multiple calls from an alcoholic friend who wants to come visit me. I don't want her to visit me. I don't want to talk to her. But I feel guilty because she was once a good friend to me at a time when I was going through my divorce and she was on a seven-year stretch of sobriety that ended about five years ago. Since then she has had a few brief periods of sobriety. I feel as though I should "be there" for her but my logical self knows that I will end up smacking myself in the head for being so gullible.
She was in rehab twice last year and started drinking immediately upon release both times. She called in early January with some story about having been in the hospital for a heart attack over New Year's but when I asked her for the symptoms that brought her there, she said she just collapsed on the living room floor. Since she does that just about every day, I failed to grasp the heart attack part. She was very vague about all this except to tell me that they put so many needles and tubes in her in the ICU that she started pulling them out so they put her in a straightjacket.
But now she has been sober "for a long time" and she wants to visit me! I don't THINK so. In her messages she doesn't sound as if she is drinking and I've thought about answering the phone and what I could say to her, but it's difficult to have a conversation with her. She appears to have a lot of brain damage from the scores of withdrawal seizures and maybe just from sucking down straight vodka from dawn to dusk for years and so she repeats her sentences two or three times and after ten minutes will start a conversation over that we just had. I've noticed a significant worsening in this area over the past year.
Anyway, I read some posts about detaching and about not being able to change another with your words and other appropriate thoughts, and they helped me today.
And just so you know--speaking of repeating oneself--I divorced an alcoholic husband ten years ago, went to Al-Anon for a while, spent years in therapy with a great shrink who specialized in codependency, and I buried a brother four years ago who died of cirrhosis caused by Hep C, which he'd picked up during a brief stint as a junkie in his 20's, so I am not new to this. I just seem to be doomed to carting around that piece of me that still thinks I can--still SHOULD--try to save the day.
Thanks for reading.
Edit: I live about 60 miles away, so by "visit me" she means take a train to where I live and STAY here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Hey Mighty,
You are NOT destined to carry this piece of who you are now around forever. Keep coming here and you will be amazed at the progress that many of these folks have made. And then one day you will decide you wish to be one of them!
For what it's worth, since your friend has had some decent stints of sobriety, could you not tell her that you do not wish to be around an active alcoholic? She will try and engage you in a debate about her NOT being one right now, but when that happened to me with an acquaintance, I kept repeating myself, "I guess I could be wrong, but it's just what a feel about you right now. I can't be around it." Then I simply said "I just cant" a bunch of times til I decided it was time to leave.
Oh, one more thing:
You are NOT destined to carry this piece of who you are now around forever. Keep coming here and you will be amazed at the progress that many of these folks have made. And then one day you will decide you wish to be one of them!
For what it's worth, since your friend has had some decent stints of sobriety, could you not tell her that you do not wish to be around an active alcoholic? She will try and engage you in a debate about her NOT being one right now, but when that happened to me with an acquaintance, I kept repeating myself, "I guess I could be wrong, but it's just what a feel about you right now. I can't be around it." Then I simply said "I just cant" a bunch of times til I decided it was time to leave.
Oh, one more thing:
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker 
Hey Mighty,
You are NOT destined to carry this piece of who you are now around forever. Keep coming here and you will be amazed at the progress that many of these folks have made. And then one day you will decide you wish to be one of them!
For what it's worth, since your friend has had some decent stints of sobriety, could you not tell her that you do not wish to be around an active alcoholic? She will try and engage you in a debate about her NOT being one right now, but when that happened to me with an acquaintance, I kept repeating myself, "I guess I could be wrong, but it's just what a feel about you right now. I can't be around it." Then I simply said "I just cant" a bunch of times til I decided it was time to leave.
Oh, one more thing:
You are NOT destined to carry this piece of who you are now around forever. Keep coming here and you will be amazed at the progress that many of these folks have made. And then one day you will decide you wish to be one of them!
For what it's worth, since your friend has had some decent stints of sobriety, could you not tell her that you do not wish to be around an active alcoholic? She will try and engage you in a debate about her NOT being one right now, but when that happened to me with an acquaintance, I kept repeating myself, "I guess I could be wrong, but it's just what a feel about you right now. I can't be around it." Then I simply said "I just cant" a bunch of times til I decided it was time to leave.
Oh, one more thing:
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Yeah, always remember you can say No.
No is a complete sentence.
No, it's not a good time for me to have visitors right now.
No, I'm going through some things where I just can't handle visitors at the moment.
Not easy. Do you have to maintain contact with her? Or is it just out of guilt?
peace-
b
No is a complete sentence.
No, it's not a good time for me to have visitors right now.
No, I'm going through some things where I just can't handle visitors at the moment.
Not easy. Do you have to maintain contact with her? Or is it just out of guilt?
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
If you met this person tomorrow, would you want to be friends with her?
Sometimes we have to let go of old friendships that really no longer serve us. Society tells us that we're awful people for doing this, but I no longer believe that. Really, one of the keys to my growth as a person has been purging my life of sick people who have no intention of getting well (or ceasing to lie, or ceasing to feel sorry for themselves, or or or) Trying to drag them along with me is like trying to swim for your life with a down parka and mukluks.
Clearer and more serene, I'm capable of doing more of whatever I was put down here on Earth to do with my life.
Hoping the same for you. I'd keep my phone off too, by the way
At least until you're feeling strong and resolute about your decision.
Glad you found us! We can always use more mighty people here
Sometimes we have to let go of old friendships that really no longer serve us. Society tells us that we're awful people for doing this, but I no longer believe that. Really, one of the keys to my growth as a person has been purging my life of sick people who have no intention of getting well (or ceasing to lie, or ceasing to feel sorry for themselves, or or or) Trying to drag them along with me is like trying to swim for your life with a down parka and mukluks.
Clearer and more serene, I'm capable of doing more of whatever I was put down here on Earth to do with my life.
Hoping the same for you. I'd keep my phone off too, by the way
At least until you're feeling strong and resolute about your decision.Glad you found us! We can always use more mighty people here
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Welcome, MC!
and-
good question, give.
I LOVE what Bernadette said "No ... is a complete sentence."
MC-
I hope you'll find the support and firendship here
that I've relied on all these years.
Again - welcome!
and-
good question, give.
I LOVE what Bernadette said "No ... is a complete sentence."
MC-
I hope you'll find the support and firendship here
that I've relied on all these years.
Again - welcome!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Welcome and I love the No is a complete sentence to!......This is a great place to hang out and learn......and know there are people here who really do understand. Nice to "meet" you....Phiz ")
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
Thanks to all of you for the welcome. I think I really needed to talk to people who know what this is like.
Yes, I feel guilty. Not sure why except that there was a time when she was a good friend to me but that ship has sunk.
In answer to your question, Bernadette...Why, NO, there is no reason I have to maintain contact with her! Thank you. How simple a statement, yet how elusive to a codependent, lolol.
And in answer to your question, GiveLove, HELL NO. I certainly have gotten far enough along that I don't let any NEW alkies or addicts into my life. (Of course, I accomplish that by letting very few new people into my life at all since I am a magnet for these people--gotta work on that one.) If I didn't have a history of friendship with her, I would get away from her as fast as I could.
No is a complete sentence. That will be my new mantra.
As I said, I've been through this before and should know better, should know these things. Perhaps I again needed some "permission" from others to take that stance. I thank all of you for fulfilling that role today.
GiveLove's lovely statement, "Clearer and more serene, I'm capable of doing more of whatever I was put down here on Earth to do with my life," has given me some food for thought and an Aha! moment. I might just be using my friend's intrusion into my own serenity as an avoidance to keep me from doing what I am here to do. Not sure what that is, but I've had some major changes in life this past year and I've not been doing the work toward goals that I'd set for myself as a result of those changes. Hmmm.
You guys might think I'm nuts--and you wouldn't be wrong--but I feel so much better right now I can't even begin to tell you!
Mind if I hang around here sometimes?
Yes, I feel guilty. Not sure why except that there was a time when she was a good friend to me but that ship has sunk.
In answer to your question, Bernadette...Why, NO, there is no reason I have to maintain contact with her! Thank you. How simple a statement, yet how elusive to a codependent, lolol.
And in answer to your question, GiveLove, HELL NO. I certainly have gotten far enough along that I don't let any NEW alkies or addicts into my life. (Of course, I accomplish that by letting very few new people into my life at all since I am a magnet for these people--gotta work on that one.) If I didn't have a history of friendship with her, I would get away from her as fast as I could.
No is a complete sentence. That will be my new mantra.
As I said, I've been through this before and should know better, should know these things. Perhaps I again needed some "permission" from others to take that stance. I thank all of you for fulfilling that role today.
GiveLove's lovely statement, "Clearer and more serene, I'm capable of doing more of whatever I was put down here on Earth to do with my life," has given me some food for thought and an Aha! moment. I might just be using my friend's intrusion into my own serenity as an avoidance to keep me from doing what I am here to do. Not sure what that is, but I've had some major changes in life this past year and I've not been doing the work toward goals that I'd set for myself as a result of those changes. Hmmm.
You guys might think I'm nuts--and you wouldn't be wrong--but I feel so much better right now I can't even begin to tell you!
Mind if I hang around here sometimes?
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Of course, I accomplish that by letting very few new people into my life at all since I am a magnet for these people--gotta work on that one
'swhy we're here.
get on the SR bus!!!!! It's a helluva ride!A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I recall when I thought I could go on withour SR, LOL!!!!!!!!! its a lifesaver and much healing goes on here every day.
I also got issues saying NO, and I also got like 3 numbers left after I decided many people that were "friends" or "contacts" were not really what I need now. I need honest people that have my same objectives, peace, compassion... here I find them...
I say the sooner you tell her its a no, the better... if she doesnt take it well... its her problem.... good for you for not letting this disease back into your life. I hope she gets better. And I hope you place self love, not guilt, drive your decisions. Although I think you're already doing it!!
I also got issues saying NO, and I also got like 3 numbers left after I decided many people that were "friends" or "contacts" were not really what I need now. I need honest people that have my same objectives, peace, compassion... here I find them...
I say the sooner you tell her its a no, the better... if she doesnt take it well... its her problem.... good for you for not letting this disease back into your life. I hope she gets better. And I hope you place self love, not guilt, drive your decisions. Although I think you're already doing it!!
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