TakingCharge999

I'm at work having fun bringing networks down.

I'm all alone. I'm writing here so I don't go to XABFS place and see what I find. The happy couple picture. Oh I remember there was a origami box full with beer bottles made out of paper. I'm also battling the FB peeking game. Why the hell do I still have the urge to suffer and believe all the lies?? WTF is wrong with me!

Anyway, I hope I can make it to dance lessons at 12. I don't think so. Well, if I can't go, I will try have lunch somewhere I like. Then keep cleaning my apartment. Play with my cats and listen to Infected Mushroom (electronic music). When I lived here while studying university, I got a BF I really liked and we listened to IM. Brings good memories.

Yes. My life is good. I do not need drama. Its Saturday, next Friday I will take a personal day off, there's a national holiday the other Monday, I will rest and have a really good time then. And today. Oh and its very, very silence and quiet here...

God, I hand you F... I hand you his GF... I hand you myself... please allow healing in our hearts..... thank you.

sailorjohn

It is so much easier to accept life as it is and make the best of it - there is a catch however. When we accept reality, and let go of trying to force our will on life and other people, there are feelings to deal with. One of the reasons we keep trying to control someone else (to get an alcoholic to stop drinking for instance) is because with all that frustration and anger, mental obsession and rumination, we don't have time to stop and feel how much it hurts, or how scared we are, or feel the grief of letting that other person go. The reason we try to control other people is to protect ourselves from our feelings - and it is important to admit that. Of course we want what is "right" for them, what is good for them - but we don't know what their "right" path is. Some people are supposed to die of Alcoholism - that is their path.
--Robert Burney

Jme, but all of that 'mental obsession and rumination' definitely had analgesic properties. The only trouble was, when you stopped, even briefly, you felt worse than when you started.

transformyself

Good for you. Keep refocusing on your life and be kind to yourself. When I have urges to peek, I try to acknowledge it, be kind to myself and get on with my oh so spectacular and fascinating life.

Even analyzing why you do what you do, or as you put it wtf is wrong with me, can be a part of the stalking/obsessing game.

CNMC2C

TC999,
I haven't logged on in awhile, but was passing thru this morning and your thread caught my attention. You may remember that I too work in the same industry as the A XBF that I was in a relationship with. Working in the same industry and running into him randomly has been bad enough, but I can't even imagine how hard it would be, if I had to see him everyday at work like you do with your A XBF. I've been reading a book that I probably should have read over a year ago when we first ended our relationship. It is called "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan J. Elliot. It has really helped me a lot. I don't know if you have read it, but it has been right on target for me. I felt sort of silly buying this book a year after I split from the A XBF, but I realized that I was still giving him space in my head, so I purchased and read it once and am currently going back thru it. We are not robots. I have found thru therapy that I refused to deal with my feelings about the A XBF, so I just acted like it never happened and stuffed any feelings that I had about him and the relationship down. That wasn't the brightest moment of my life. Everyone processes situations differently, so don't beat yourself up because at this moment you might be sort of stuck on an issue. We are a continual work in progress and have many avenues to help us get to the happy, healthy, wealthy life that we deserve.....and even when we take steps back, we can always stop....process the situation.....and start moving forward again. I had a very difficult week a few weeks ago, in which I took a few major steps back, but caught myself and stopped...processed it, turned it over to my Higher Power, and let it go. In this instance I had been presented with the opportunity to go work for another company. This job would have put me in direct contact with my A XBF who has gone to work for one of the accounts that this company services. While the job that I was offered was a great opportunity to take my career in a different direction, I really struggled with the thought of having to work directly with the A XBF. I turned it over to my higher power and asked for direction and guidance to the right path for me. The company that offered me the job ended up not being able to meet my salary requirements after many, many hours of negotiations, so I turned their offer down and knew that my Higher Power was guiding me away from putting myself in harms way again. I had to let go and trust in my Higher Power to provide me with guidance.

Anyway, check out the book and see what you think if you haven't read it before. You are a strong, beautiful, intelligent, independant, woman....who will get past her past.


Hugs to you....

TakingCharge999

Oh thanks for the replies! I am back in the office.

I took down a network.. made a mistake...got nervous..but accepted my error and repaired it in no time... my boss told me I'm regarded as a junior technician... well... maybe because... I AM? my peers have been fixing their network for 20 years... I've been here for 1 year and a half and not even dedicated to that network... oh well. My peers told me it was no big deal so I relaxed...

Then I was able to go to my latin dance lesson!! well its not only latin, we also dance twist, belly dance, tribal, techno, pop etc so it was really nice I could make it. The girl friend I made at theater class and brought me to those lessons (she has had a really tough life) was very happy to see me and smiled at me very warmly when I arrived! that made my day.

We went to have lunch, it was all delicious, she invited and gave me a belated xmas gift. We shared dulce the leche crepes with vanilla ice cream....yumm.. second best moment of my day...

Then I went to buy sand for my cats and arrived home. Had a half an hour nap. Got a high severity trouble ticket and as I'm yet to have internet at home, had to come to the office...

Before that i took a moment, BF arrived, napped with me, while both my cats got on top of me and used me as a pillow and purred. It was my third favorite moment of the day.

Then I come here and see XBFAS place and ughhh I feel down again... but.. I won't go to his place, won't go to his FB, in fact its been eons since I log in to FB at all (have listened to others drama with twitter, etc and certainly dont miss the gossip, drama, pics, etc).

On Friday there were several instances where his name was brought up. We went to have dinner with a coworker and my BF. My coworker mentioned xabf sometimes (in the context his team doesn't help us at all) and I was sooooooooo relieved current BF had no idea about who he was... I was glad I hadn't mentioned or mentioned anything about him (only when I say I don't like drunks because of bad past experiences)....

CNMC2C, thanks for the book recommendation, when I go to US (soon!!) I will look for it... I have found its not only about this x but about the male figure in general...

I know my dad is leaving soon somewhere else further away and its also triggering the abandonment issues...

...a close friend told me about a relation he had for 11 years, living together for 1.5, and now that he moved here he says "I may change models, won't hurt because here there are tons of more beautiful girls" and I was like wow, 11 years, and you talk about her like that... brought bad memories

Right now I don't wish x well, I am angry once again... And the gf is an excuse, if he was single I would say "what if tonight he finds the girl of his dreams" but nah, thats just temporary... sometimes I wish the feelings were as strong as before.. these little sporadic ones are more difficult to tackle.

Now that I finally found an apartment I'll settle in I feel I will heal faster, as I'm able to save money and do more exercise and I have more will to go out and cultivate the good friendships I like here... 4 or 5 people that are on this same bandwidth.

I can't wait for my looong weekend of 4 days. I also booked a Spa treatment for Friday morning. Not sure if one to treat my back which feels in bad shape, or one with hot rocks for chakra activation...


Today I lived the present moment with a variety of feelings and it was great overall... I know that I finally settled and can relax and there is more silence and tranquility (at least comparatively) I can grow to myself again.... yoga, green tea, walks in the park before work, cook great food for myself and enjoy it at home during lunch hour, cook new things for BF/friends, go to raves, pop concerts, new restaurants, decorate my place, start taking my cats to the patios around, going to karate, traveling to US and to my companys HQ, getting IT certified, dancing, sending emails to friends, talking to mom more, inviting all of them to come over, taking care of my health, painting and giving my artistic stuff to friends and going places to see if they will show them just for fun. Yes that is me and my life and my happiness. Oh and also trying to find big and small details for my partner. Not so much like stuff, but to hug him when he is tired and if he wants to discuss something.. tell him both need to be free of HALT, once we are no longer hungry, angry, lonely and/or tired, we will talk about things. Not before.That gives me more peace....

And planning to get rid of some weight to put a bathing suit to take swimming lessons to then try the yoga and surf week-long and expensive vacation on a beach nearby... all that DOES fulfill my spirit... I look forward to all that... and to receive my sister as she wants to spend her pregnancy here with Mom and me...

It feels great to feel alive and look forward to stuff again!!!

Thanks for the reminders and help and food for thought!!


anvil, the tape is saying I can't possibly be as happy as I can be, so I'd better suffer for some reason. The tape says life without drama isn't life or spicy... yuk!!!!!! time to push the REC button and try something else.

Jadmack25

Bless you TC for being who you are, and reminding me that a small setback is JUST A SMALL SETBACK and not a national disaster.
Keeping busy and enjoying yourself with friends, spas and pampering...YEAH!

Who cares if the X is happy or not, as long as YOU are doing fine IT DOES NOT MATTER TO YOUR LIFE.

Repeat after me "I don't care if X is happy or not, as long as I am doing fine IT DOES NOT MATTER TO MY LIFE.
After first dose of above, repeat as necessary til YOU BELIEVE IT.

God bless

barb dwyer

yup.

what jadmack said.

Thank you for this thread -
because with what just happened in 'barb's world'
this reminded me of that time.

Being up all night
thinking, 'how can he dare be happy?'
how could he just throw me away like that?


keep working
it gets easier.
it goes away.

with a little help from our friends.

NYC_Chick

TC: I understand you are hurting, but don't understand why you keep focusing on xabf when you are living (I think) with your new bf.

I realize you probably care about new bf a lot, but it seems unfair to you and him to put so much focus on xabf. I think you both deserve better. I hope you can continue to keep walking. Xabf is not worth the time you continue to give him and I'm sure new bf, as wonderful as you have said he is, deserves to be with someone that is not still spending so much energy on someone else. I say this because at the end of my relationship with xabf, he was with someone else and me. I deserved better and so did the poor girl he was was, and still may be, with. Also, even if he is happy, who cares? It's still not the life you wanted.

I know forgiveness is hard, but I found that once I got to a point where I could forgive xabf for what happened in our relationship, and for what I allowed him to do to me, my life got so much better. And, although I would not have bet a year ago that I would have ever said this, I am thankful for the fact that he was in my life because his actions forced me to look at myself and I am a million times better for it. I've never been this happy. Yes, recovery is hard, but the alternative was a life I was half living and not really enjoying.

I hope you get to a point soon where his life and his happiness does not matter to you. Hugs : )

Jadmack25

Quote: (( Yes, recovery is hard, but the alternative was a life I was half living and not really enjoying. ))

Oh, Yes, Yes, Yes. Half alive also means half dead. YUK

Never want to be in that Zombie like world of misery, doubt and bewilderment again.

AND NEVER HAVE TO BE, UNLESS I CHOOSE TO GO BACK THERE.

Maybe old but not that stupid.

God bless

TakingCharge999

Thanks!!

Im back in the office and again ouch!! it stings.

Yesterday I worked a lot and when I arrived home I took a bath... at 2 am... then there was no electricity and I was in the dark lol got angry... then laughed at myself! I lighted some candles and as I had to wait for my hair to dry I played with my cats, and put some order around the apartment! while BF slept. I enjoyed my night in the dark!

Today he fixed the electricity and called me at 1 pm to ask if I wanted to have lunch.. we went to our favorite place, for 20 dollars you eat a really tasty fish with spicy red sauce, and cucumber water... it seems he will go down with the flu and me too ughh so we went to buy medicines afterwards. The day is soooooooooo blue and warm again after one really bad cold front.

I remember F sparingly, but coming to the office is tricky because his place is just infront of the floor entrance. So if I remember him, I look down or somewhere else and don't see his stuff. And if I don't remember his existence I walk normally and meet his picture anyway LOL!

The visualization that helps me is to say " too bad his twin brother was lost in that tragic accident, was a good person" and it helps me see him as an Unknown person or stranger and totally NOT the one I met in the early days.

It would seem I'm focused on him but no, honestly, its just the triggers, I do not willingly go there anymore! and for all the good times he seems to have I always remember he is usually drunk so, who cares. It sounds bad but knowing he is still the same drinking jerk and worsening helps me realize its indeed progressive...and chronic...

I hope to finish work soon and go back home with my bf and cats and watch the new George Clooney movie! Tomorrow I'll have to be at work at 6 am so I hope I can leave early, rest, and then my week will be smoother. As its my birthday I'm thinking of bringing flowers and a balloon on thursday!

The 14th of Feb there will be a Chinese new year celebration and meditation in an hacienda, I invited my Mom and she will be coming, I'm very happy! I didn't get to celebrate xmas or new year at all, so this feels like a good way to consider things and events past! and welcome the new vibes.

You all help me a great deal but *sigh* I envy you in that you NEVER have to overhear or see ex ever in your lives agan!! and I feel I'm doing great given its only been a year since I was in hell and I have "witnessed" more by chance than willingly, what his life is like. I moved 7 times in a year and a half and I managed to keep my job! in fact the boss told me with some more effort I will be Distinguised in most of my activities! so I say, if I did so well while being a mess now with stability my career will be much better.

I think about this ex just as I think of other ex's and bad situations in my life, NYC Chick. There is a trigger or a song or an event.. or a picture.. or this office and it takes me there. This one is not healed 100%. And no, I'm working then passing through his place while leaving, saying "its in God's hands" then going back to my life! thankfully I'm not as "focused" as it may seem to the reader. I'm not going home to obsess about him anymore *****o!

Unfortunately I do not recall if there is someone around here who has the exposure I have had, its like opening and reopening a scar 32532958 times, and many times its just the context no longer me willingly finding out things.

The times I've been away, on a holiday or working from home, oh he no longer exists and its wonderful and its not even forgiveness, he just doesn't exist in my life anymore. I guess its difficult to explain it, but given I'm STILL so close to his life.. I feel I've taken gigantic steps forward as it is... progress.. not perfection right!

Thanks for helping me out and yes Jadmack it was hell, sometimes I forget it was but if I remember those nights I can say sheeesh thank God its all over before it got worse. Got to play all the tape! but it helps me to tell you all "hey I still miss the F I knew" and that its ok.

I have imagined it was all a nightmare but there are a few triggers that... UGH! remind me it was all true and real and ongoing. Good news its not ongoing for me anymore!

TakingCharge999

Horoscope for Dog sign in the Year of the Tiger:


It doesn't get much better than this. The Year of the Tiger may as well be The Year of the Dog, as you're not likely to have a more fortunate one, even when your own sign is ruling. In fact, it is the Dog who can expect the most from 2010. Perhaps you are a typical, cautious, unassuming, nostalgic Dog sign person. Forget all that! This is a year to make your mark on the world. The biggest mistake you can make is to sit on the sidelines. There will be plenty of action, and you need to be right in the middle of it. Ride the Tiger to fame and glory. Do the most outrageous thing you have contemplated but could not bring yourself to initiate. There is not a better time in sight, especially if you require a little luck to succeed. Now is also when you want to plan that momentous occasion ushering in the next phase of your life.

Great!! I'm not sure about horoscopes, etc but if I read positive things, I'll believe it, LOL

TakingCharge999

The combination of Metal and Tiger is not, however, a totally negative one. Together they represent the kind of force necessary to accomplish the most difficult tasks. The impossible just might be possible during this exciting time.

The combination of Metal and Tiger is not, however, a totally negative one. Together they represent the kind of force necessary to accomplish the most difficult tasks. The impossible just might be possible during this exciting time.

Ok now I'm a fan !

Jadmack25

Tigger! Enjoy riding YOUR tiger.

God bless