coyote21

Some of you may not know my story, although it's similar to many on here.

The Cliff Notes version is, I'm a single Dad to an 8yo daughter. Her mom is an active alcoholic who moved 4 hours away when we divorced 3 years ago.

Since Mom has supervised visitation and no job or money, LMC (Little Miss Coyote) only sees her a few times a year when she goes down to stay with GMAW in the same area.

Two years ago Mom took LMC for a golf cart ride during a visit (they all live on an island on the coast) and got drunk and nearly drove off a pier and scared the crap outta LMC, who didn't know how to swim yet.

LMC's been cruising along on anger at her Mom for this incident for the last 2 years.

This last visit during Christmas break her Mom told her she'd quit drinking, a lie of course, and LMC believes her.

The outcome of believing this lie is sadness. LMC has been telling me that now that Mom's sober we can get married again.

She assembled some art work, cards, letters, etc. to send this morn for her mom's b-day. Last nite she wrote a letter saying "Please x 10 come home I need you"

She's crying around saying the only thing missing in our lives is Mom etc..

Of course all of this emotion is based on the lie that her Mom is now sober and not an alcoholic any more.

I don't know what to do with this, so for now I'm just sitting with it. Thanks for reading.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

laurie6781

I am sorry you are going through this and having to warch LMC suffer so.

Nuw may be the time to research and seek out a good Child Psychologist and get sweet LMC into some therapy.

J M H O

Sending good thoughts and prayers for both of you.

Love and hugs,

nodaybut2day

For the past 5-6 years, I was stepmom to a wonderful little boy, who turned 12 last year. His father, my XAH, is a functioning alcoholic with some serious mental issues. Recently, before I left XAH, I had a lot of open and honest discussions with my stepson about his father's drinking, anger, and loss of control. I had previously been so afraid to talk to him, for fear of "ruining his innocence", but I quickly discovered that my stepson had a LOT ot pent-up emotion he wanted to share. Once we opened up to each other, he felt very comfortable coming to me at various occasions and giving me glimpses of what he was feeling or thinking.

I think the advantage, in your situation is that LMC's mother is far away and you have control over the situation.

I definitely agree with taking her to see a psychologist, but I would also encourage you to talk to your DD, openly, and give her the opportunity to see that you are also struggling with the situation. She may only be 8, but she has suffered through a lot needs to be able to talk to you about it.

wanting

Wow, that is such a tough situation. I feel so sad for LMC. I wonder if you can explain it in terms of a disease. Alcoholism is a disease, and it makes people lie to cover it up, and even when people do quit drinking, it still takes years to recover, just like with cancer you're in remission for 5 years. I think talking about it in terms of a disease can allow you to reiterate that her mom loves her, but the disease makes her do these things. I also think seeing a counselor would be a good idea for her. Maybe a motherly female figure, since she's missing that in her life.

coyote21

Thanks,

LMC and I have a very open relationship, she knows all about alcoholism and her mom's disease and all. Sadly her innocence, with regard to alcoholism, has been gone for long time. I've always felt honesty about our situation was best for her.

I guess what I'm struggling with right now is the "current lies" about being sober and the misplaced hope that that has a tendency to instill in even us grownups. It really used to set me up for more disappointment. Damn.

I do hate me some alcoholism.

I'll watch for a week and then call the psychologist if this doesn't just pass. Heck maybe her mom will call obviously drunk and take care of this set of lies for me. Seems like her mom usually shoots herself in the foot when she tries to pull off some of this stuff.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

P.S. Our Alanon meeting this morning was a birthday meeting. I got my 4 year chip. Happy birthday to me! :day1

gowest

I have a question. Have you told LMC that you are not getting remarried even if she is sober?

Does she need a gentle reminder that being sober does not guarantee anything? That expectations in all relationships can lead to misunderstandings and problems?

I would validate her feelings about how hard it is to not be part of an intact family but I would also be very careful not to let her get the false impression that it is/was just the alcoholism that is standing in the way of you being a family again.

You know the "I'm so glad I have you out of our union but I'm never going back there" talk. (Unless you would take her back.)

MissFixit

Hi Coyote,

Congratualtions on 4 years! That is awesome.

Since I grew up a single father and my mother is ill, I'll add my experience with you.

I always hoped that my mom would get better. At age 8 my parents had been split for at least a year and I saw a child psychologist. I had no idea that her condition was permanent. Even now, I try to engage her like she is well and always remember shortly thereafter why I keep my distance.

Anyway, therapy has been a helpful place for me to vent and gain perspective on what is going on. It is really important for LMC not to take responsibility for her mother's condition, stability or truthfulness. I thougth for a long time that when my parents lied, it was somehow my fault. Like I did something wrong and they didn't do what they said because of me. This has damaged my self esteem time and again. (And probably contributed to my codieness.)

This might be a good time to engage positive female role models in her life. She loves you, but mom's are different. I remember you mentioning an ladies at the church. Does she have an aunt, grandmother, cousin or any adult female that can be a constant in her life.

I had Dad's girlfriends, but really wished that I had a constant (stable) female adult around when I was growing up.

Hugs

transformyself

Jeez. How heart wrenching.
I"m with Mss Fixit. I had only a terrorizing crazy biological mother, but when I became close to an adult, I consciously found maternal role models.

And my boys have several role models that are Indigenous, strong, humble men unlike their father. I prayed and looked for them.

Someone you're not dating would be even better, because then she won't go away if you break up.

I know how you're feeling and just want to say LMC is lucky to have you around. She's being honest wtih you about her feelings. What a gift.

hugs

GiveLove

((( coyote )))

Congrats, pal!

Bernadette

I have a question. Have you told LMC that you are not getting remarried even if she is sober?

Does she need a gentle reminder that being sober does not guarantee anything? That expectations in all relationships can lead to misunderstandings and problems?

I would validate her feelings about how hard it is to not be part of an intact family but I would also be very careful not to let her get the false impression that it is/was just the alcoholism that is standing in the way of you being a family again.

You know the "I'm so glad I have you out of our union but I'm never going back there" talk. (Unless you would take her back.)

DITTO!

It bears repeating to children, and I told my boys several times until I could tell they finally believed me. "Dad and I are not getting back together. This divorce is permanent."

Tough stuff Coyote, glad she has you steady as she goes.

peace-
b

coffeedrinker

when i took my niece in at age 8, the therapist we would both see for a time told me to not expect this girl to take her mother off the pedestal that she was put on. (a lot of drug use, abandoned her daughter more than once). until the child was about 14 or so that is. i was flabbergasted - just could not believe that this young girl couldn't see how much of a wreck her mom was - and that she was never truly there for her daughter. sure enough, exactly that did happen. today she is 25, her mom has her head pretty much on straight, knows she can never make up for all she did to her daughter, but tries. they have a really pretty good relationship today.

what i'm saying is that i think little coyote needs to put her mom up there. of course you guys getting married is a fantasy, but so is her mom not being a drunk anymore. hope that the therapist you eventually choose will be someone this little miss really can connect with. (then maybe she'll want you two to get married)

coyote21

Thanks you guys, lots of good suggestions here. I understand about the pedestal thing, probably the worse the parent is the more that happens. Never would have thought of that.

Also the idea that I need to KEEP reminding her that mom's not coming home. God I don't want to have that talk.

We have one great lady, she calls me the brother she never had. She is an excellent "aunt" to LMC. Tomorrow is a brownie baking day. LMC loves her, I also agree about women that I'm NOT dating.

Oh, ya.......not dating anyone! Ha!!!

It's great having some place to turn for help with this crap. I love you guys, thanks.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Pelican

Congratulations Coyote on 4 years!

(((hugs))) to you and LMC!

Jadmack25

I am generally a toughie, and read posts here that make me sad, empathetic or even angry without often ending up in tears.

BUT....when small children get to suffer because of an A's behavior to them or just in general, I can either end up bawling or bellowing.

LMC is so blessed to have such a loving, understanding and wise father in you Coyote,
and that is worth so much in her staying stable and happy.

As far as her mum goes, it is a minefield for you isn't it?
Trying to keep them in touch, not blow mum out of the water when it all goes bang, be there for LMC when she is hurt and disappointed. WOW man, what an effort.

I agree that a therapist could help, and also explaining that you and mummy could never get back together because even if she wasn't drinking, this disease could come back and you can't live with that for both you and LMC's sakes.

When I left my late XAH, my girls also hoped we would get back... and they were adults in their 20's. Each had a turn at living with their dad and that scotched that hope fast.

When I see stories of how some dads are with there children, and get upset at it all, I also think of you and thank God for who and what YOU are.

God bless

coyote21

Aw Jadmack, thanks so much for your kind words.

I liked your suggestion about the disease coming back at any time.

I had a good friend a while back who always held out hope that his parents would some how get back together after 20 years and another spouse for his dad. And he was pushing 40.

It is all so hard and sad.

One day a while back LMC was lamenting on how she wanted a "normal" family. I asked her what she meant about "normal". She said, you know a mom and a dad.

I asked her to name all the kids she knew who had both, she named 2. I said your family IS "NORMAL".

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Learn2Live

Congratulations on 4 years Coyote.

Sorry what you and LMC are going through is difficult, but glad you both have this opportunity for life and growth. Here's my perspective and experience as an ACOA and AA. Some of it you probably already know and are doing, but I offer it up with the hope something here provides perspective or is otherwise helpful:

1. LMC is eight; their brains don't think the same way ours as adults do. They wish, but their brains are equipped for disappointment and for getting over it. Kids are very resilient people. Point is, don't worry too much about her "broken heart" and future hurt feelings; focus your energies on recognizing the codependent-in-the-making and steering her away from that kind of thinking and believing. (In truth, she does not need her mother, nor is her mother "all you are missing." Try to reconcile that for her in a gentle manner).

2. I hope I don't sound too harsh but LMC's wishful thinking sounds like magical thinking stirred up by her mother's sickness. Handle magical thinking the same way you would for yourself. Help her to emotionally detach, and believe in her higher power. Also, help her to live in the present moment.

3. Keep being straight-up with her but never bad-mouth her mother in front of, or to, her. Try to help her find a middle ground in her perceptions of her mother: Neither "bad," nor "good"; neither monster, nor angel. All kids think their parents are all-that when they are eight. Couple more years and the opposite will likely be true. Keep her from going there by avoiding those extremes yourself and talking about her mom without judgment.

4. If and when you talk about the fact that you and her mother will not be getting back together, don't explain too much. Just state the facts as gently as you can and then change the focus to something positive, something in the present moment. It may be best to keep your response short and sweet and then let it go for her to work through it as events unfold naturally.

5. Don't worry too much; Let go of the outcome; This too shall pass. You're doing great.

Have a nice Sunday. Hug that little girl for me please.

coyote21

All great stuff, I just called her over and gave her a big hug for you (and for me!).

She said "are you writing about mom and me"? I told her yes. She said she knew I was, she's sooooo smart.

And so are you, thanks for the great suggestions. Especially the part about not to worry too much. I'm a born worrier....getting much better though.

As you point out, of course things will unfold just as they are supposed to.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Still Waters

This makes me so sad. We, as adults, still get trapped in magical thinking...how much harder for a child to understand? Yet, we can't shield our children from everything, no matter how we wish we could.

tigger11

Good heavens I wish I has something wise and wonderful to impart to you, Coyote. But it seems to me you're doing it all just right. I think you and LMC have sooooo much going for you; she's a huge blessing in a cute, little package, and you are probably the most thoughtful, caring and wise Dad EVER.

I love your wise postings on SR and am glad we're all part of each others' recovery.

Hugs to LMC, the best of all SR support to you!
Tigger

Learn2Live

I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. Whenever I have related stories of my childhood to others, those with comments tell me how horrible the stories are, etc. And yes, when I look at my childhood objectively, I can honestly say, with no drama, tears, or hurt, that it was not a good situation for a child to be in. I grew up at poverty level, never had new clothes, wore the same shoes from fourth grade through eighth grade, was sexually molested by several people, physically abused by a person or two (not my parents), was left to my own devices (no one checked my report cards), started smoking and drinking at age 13, and left home at 17. BUT I am here to tell you that I WOULD NOT CHANGE ANY OF IT FOR THE WORLD because it has made me who I am. And I am a very strong, persistent, never-say-die woman. So try not to feel badly for LMC or become overly obsessed with worry, the way we CoD's tend to do. It's apparent to me from the short amount of time I have spent on SR, that Coyote is a loving, attentive, informed, responsible parent and I know in my heart that that is enough for this child. A little heartache and magical thinking on her part isn't going to cause permanent damage. Overreacting to it would probably do more harm. She will be strengthened by and grow from her pain, as long as she has her one objective parent guiding and caring for her. Thank you Coyote-man for caring for your child, for being open enough to ask what other people think, AND for bringing that smile to my face this afternoon, telling me you hugged LMC for me Take care.