Where do i go from here?

Old 01-22-2010, 02:42 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
sas
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: devon UK
Posts: 2
Where do i go from here?

Hi everyone.... I have been a lurker on here for some time and have gained A LOT of knowledge from all your posts!

So here goes with my EXAH.... we had been together 10 years we met when i was eighteen, im now twenty eight and his drinking has been getting steadily worse over the years, i didnt notice at the start or didnt understand. We got married 2 and a half years ago.

And basically I had had enough of his lack of respect for me and everyone around us, the constant bickering and arguing over the normal everyday things, and his inability to face up to reality and of course the life a alcoholic leads, im sure i dont need to tell you all what the last ten years has been like.

I liliterally woke-up on 29th october last year and said enough is enough and left, thankfully i have great support from my family and friends and me and my beloved dog have moved back in with my parents! eeeek! 28 and back at home!

It has been the hardest thing I have ever done and will ever do. I have been through every emotion under the sun in the last few months and especially with christmas thrown in there inbetween.

So last weds he drove to do a course (for his trade -hes currently not working) 2 and a half hours away from where we live, he left at 5am and did the course then was driving back and basically his body went into withdrawal as he HADNT had a drink for ONE day almost. He had a seizure whilst driving, crashed into the barrier on the motorway. Thankfully nobody else was involved and he wasnt seriously hurt. He then had another siezure whilst in A and E. They had to put his body into detox while they ran tests etc.

As I am his next of kin, the doctors wouldnt talk to anyone else so it was left for me to sort out yet another of his messes. Bearing in mind the hospital he was in was 2 hrs away from me. So he discharged himself on the fri morning, believing he had been in a 'hippy commune' and all sorts of insane things.

Cutting a long story short myself and my dad picked him up from a train station in the middle of nowhere he had managed to get himself on, took him to his new place. (he was due to move out of out joint rented property that weekend). I took him everything he needed and have basically left him to it.

I didn't stop crying for 3 days over the stress of it all and the build up to it i suppose. So now hes in his new place, i have cleaned up the mess he left the house in and have sorted everything out.

Now I suppose what my problem is.... is that I really have the urge all the time to ring him and see if he is ok!!!!!!?????

What is he doing in his new place? Has he got worse? I just dont know what to think. He did hurt his back quite badly in the crash. I think he had, had some sort of mental breakdown judging by the state of the house, and he is totally unable to look after himself (always has been, ive always done everything for him, but i didnt realise so much until after he has been left to his own devices)

How do I overcome these urges to ring him, as I am soooooo much better when I have no contact at all, thank goodness we didnt have children together. But I just want to pick up the phone and make sure he is ok?! I know this sounds ridiculous but after ten years its hard not to be able to pick up the phone and speak to him yknow?

Any advice on how I can get over this last hurdle would be greatly appreciated! x
sas is offline  
Old 01-22-2010, 02:50 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Cowgirl1265's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Its amazing how hard our codie responses can be triggered when things get stressful!

You did a great job standing up for yourself in October and declaring yourself free from a life with alcoholism. Have you been attending Al-Anon? There is a lot of other work that has to be done when we have spent a long time in a relationship with an alcoholic. Just shedding the alcholic spouse or partner is usually not enough to help us shed the ingrained behaviors and responses we have when they do what they do.

I think its important to recognize that your feelings of needing to DO something or KNOW something RIGHT NOW are just feelings. Try to breathe a little and let them come...eventually they will pass. A therapist years ago taught me that my feelings were like great big waves when you are standing at the edge of the ocean. Some of those waves are pretty huge and threatening and some will even tumble you head over keister, but like all waves, they build up, they peak, and then they will pass. The feelings will ALWAYS pass. So when the feelings that you need to call him, that you need to control the outcome, that you need to fix him come upon you, remind yourself that these feelings will eventually pass. They come, they peak,they pass.

If you haven't gone to an Al-Anon meeting or read Codependent No More I highly recommend them.
Cowgirl1265 is offline  
Old 01-22-2010, 03:57 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Jadmack25's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Running after someone for 10 years and then no more running is a cause for withdrawal symptoms, YOURS. You have only been free of the chaos for less than 3 months, so you are still in vunerable mode. Being dragged back into helping and sorting HIS problems is not you fault and it is perfectly understandable that you "feel" you need to hear how he is going. Been there and done that many times.

The problem for you is do you save YOURSELF or save him?
In staying out of his life of drama, caused by HIS choices, not yours, you get to stay sane, calm, happy and get a life.
Getting involved again, even by a phone call, can open the flood gates and the danger of his life invading you again.....end of sanity, calm, happy....uncertain life for you.

Try anything to take your mind off him, no matter how silly it sounds.....I used to try a hard yoga style exercise that put my old arthritic knees in pretzel pose...painful. It took my thoughts from ABF as I huffed and puffed to get into the pose, then get out of it.

I wouldn't go back to contact and if you are told that as his next of kin YOU MUST, tell them to look elsewhere. I could make the Queen my next of kin, but I can't see her accepting the responsibility....can you?

Stay free of all that you escaped from in October, and leave him to God.

God bless

Jadmack25 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:01 AM.