To Tell or Not to Tell

Old 01-21-2010, 12:48 PM
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To Tell or Not to Tell

I can’t figure out which way to go. I’ve finally had it and I’m planning to leave my relationship. The problems are of course in the details. The lease on the house is not up until May or June. I had planned to “play along” with making up for that length of time but am not sure I can do it. The reason I planned not to tell him I was leaving was so that he would be less likely to be mean in the period it will take for me to get all the details ironed out. I know that it will be miserable in the house if he knows what I’m planning. He’ll threaten to take the kids, be disagreeable and the put downs will fly. I’m feel fairly emotionally fragile right now and just don’t want to hear the never ending slue of remarks I’m sure would be aimed at me.

On the other hand I’m not sure I can pretend to make up either. As to him this means sweeping everything under the rug and having lots of make up sex, which sounds about as appealing as having my eyes gouged out.

How do you follow through with your plans? Do you tell them you’re leaving? Do you play make up against your better judgment and nauseous-ness? If I don’t tell and don’t make up it’s still going to be months of snide remarks and silent treatment.. Please help me do this to least painful way possible..
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Old 01-21-2010, 12:59 PM
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Hmm, in my case, I tried not to tell. I tried to distance myself without him noticing. But he knew it almost instantly. He felt me withdraw from the role of enabler and he was mad. He made me fess up and as horrible as I thought it would be, it wasn't that bad. I had already had the imaginary discussion in my head so the details just flowed out. After being sad, he somehow decided that we were leaving each other, instead of me leaving him. Before I knew it, we were discussing how best to handle it with regards to the kids, how to divide the furniture and moving dates.

I don't know your situation, so only you can judge best. Are you in danger? If so, a contigency plan is in order.

Perhaps you need to consult a lawyer and talk about your options before you tell your husband. Have your ducks in a row mentally and then perhaps see how you feel about telling him. I can't imagine having to engage in "pretend sex" can feel very good.

I know you want this to be pain-free, but the reality is that it almost never is. It's the end of a way of life, of an idea, and of many toxic patterns. There's bound to be grief, anger, sadness, emptines. But all that discomfort doesn't kill you; you live through it. It just sucks the big one, for all involved.

good luck...we're here for you!
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Old 01-21-2010, 11:17 PM
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I am in a way a bit like this pretending its okay .
Not quite the same. my plans to leave have a very vague time line but I understand the "keeping the peace" kind of place you are coming form
It is no fun having sex thougth thats for sure.

I agree withnodaybut2day. from previous experience with a divorce, the build up is much worse than the reality in the end but it is perfectly okay to be prepared and have all your strategies in place.

you will know when the time is right.
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Old 01-22-2010, 05:20 AM
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Keep an open mind. If breaking the lease early (now?!!) is going to seriously physically or emotionally harm you then I guess that reason has a lot of weight.

If it is a financial setback - that can be dealt with - with patience and time.

No amount of money or wishful thinking that things will dissolve peacefully is worth your mental health. I would find it severely damaging to my mental health to pretend for very long. Especially if it involved having unwanted sex. That's a soul killer.

peace- easy does it-
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Old 01-22-2010, 07:03 AM
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Have you seen an attorney? sorted out your options? If you file for divorce, provided you're married, you may be entitled to support, enough to help find a place for you and the kids.

You could also go stealth and start documenting his alcoholism and other nastiness, to help in court with the kids. I have several calls to the police under my belt from when he was drunk and threatening me. That really helps.

The issue, though, will be detachment. Can you be emotionally detached enough to pull it off?

Lots of other folks have stealthily found a place to live, carefully packed up some essentials and escaped. I would advice against staying until May or June, you said you're emotionally fragile and how much longer do you want to take this crap? Once you're away from him, you can have clarity and build up some sanity.

If you know he's going to be "mean" you may also want to seek advice from a domestic violence organization. They can help you deprogram yourself and put healthy boundaries in place.

My heart breaks for you. How old are your kids?
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Old 01-22-2010, 07:30 AM
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Just wanted to offer you some support and a hug.
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Old 01-22-2010, 08:22 AM
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Thanks to everyone for your responses. I know that no one can make the final decision but me, but it helps to have some insight. I've consulted an attorney before when I was pregnant with my son. There is not a lot of legal help I can get because although we have kids together, a 1 year old and a 4 year old, we are not married. I can file for child support right away, but I wouldn't want to do that until I was moved out.

I guess my emotional frailty comes in the form of giving in more than anything. All the other times I've wanted to leave I was eventually lulled back in to the relationship and I don't want that to happen again. For some reason I'm not all that worried about a huge physical confrontation although that's what's sending me here. I take my part in those fights and to some extent consider them mutal. However, no matter who started it, 3 physical fights between us in 7 months is WAY TOO MANY.. 1 is too many. And I need to think about the kids before me.

The reason I want to tell is so he'll just stay away from me in an intaminte manner, however I'm not sure that he wouldn't say nasty things about me to the kids or try to scare me by saying he's going to take them. (Both of which he's done before) I would rather move out with out causing myself the finacial hardship of walking out on the lease that is only in my name, but of course I could. I don't really want to be there for the ugliness which may or may not happen. But I'm also not good at pretending/lying.

(As a sperate thought) Am I the only who feels like, when I tell my story it comes of worse than it is? Am I just down playing it as my nature to say oh it's not really THAT bad?
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Old 01-22-2010, 10:36 AM
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It took coming here and writing down my story for me to come out of my denial. Denial that it was "that bad."
He theatened to kill me if I didn't stop crying. He bashed his car into mine because I wouldn't move it on Christmas eve. We fought. Constantly. In front of the kids. They are still paying for it.

I did the best I could at the time, but I now know that my children suffer from my staying in that insane situation.

I'd say physical fighting, using the kids are weapons against you, taking the kids away from you and threats of god knows what are way worse than financial issues.

Can't you call a domestic violence shelter and get some advice?

If the lease is in your name, you should be able to remove him from the premise, file a restraining order also to prevent him from hurting you or the kids.

I know we cannot help anyone who isn't ready to help themselves, but you are asking for opinions here and mine is that this is a dire, dangerous, move carefully and quickly situation. And even though that's my personal opinion and I'm a Miss Smarty Pants Know It All, I still will implore you to seek councel with a domestic violence specialist.
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Old 01-22-2010, 12:35 PM
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My choice was not to tell. And I "avoided" sex, it really didn't matter because I think he was fooling around on the side anyway... I saw a lawyer first... I had been seeing a therapist... the lawyer knew my plan... thought I had a good case... I ended up leaving... If we are being really honest on some level he knew and didn't care... he says that's not true...I guess the fight with him screaming in my face for me to leave just slips his mind...

He is holding up spousal support now based on abandonment...but my lawyer feels that that wont hold water once we get to court since drinking and pot are reasons to leave... I also have other things against him... I have to "play nice" and most times I feel like I'm in a sick chess match with the devil... but atleast I'm out...

I feel I did the best I could... I wanted to tell a few times and just felt... I don't know... it wasn't safe even though he's never laid a hand on me... I'm in hiding and he doesn't have my address... listen to your gut... we've quit trusting it... but if we are wrong well your just too up-tight... but what if your right...??? in my case...most of what I said before I left I've been able to prove and he doesn't even know...my lawyer has all the evidence... things I that where worse then I even guessed... but all along I had this nagging feeling; I just couldn't prove it...

I wish you the best... good luck...
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