veggiemom

3:30 am here and I can't get back to sleep. This is my first time posting here. I have been in al-anon since Feb. but I have not really "worked it". I am pretty much terrified of speaking in the group situation, I always have been, though you wouldn't think it if you talked to me one-on-one. Anyway, this has hindered me because I have really not connected with anybody and it's all I can do to just get myself to go to the meetings. But I know I need to. I married my husband knowing he was an alcoholic, of course I thought from day one with him that I could change and/or control the situation, although it took me years to realize I even thought this. I was so oblivious to how bad it was getting. Ten years into the marriage I realized his disease had progressed to the point where he was keeping himself drunk 24/7, albeit VERY secretly. I knew he drank, just not how much and when. The drinking I saw him do seemed in control to me.(Duh). Anyway, to make a long story somehat short, by last summer it was very bad and I told him I was going to leave with the kids if he didn't get into treatment. Now I know it was a threat to try to control him of course. Looking back, it's no wonder it wasnt successful because he wasn't doing it for himself, but he did go into a 28 day program and for awhile I thought it would get better. By January he had relapsed and I kicked him out for two days. He managed to call his sponsor and nip it in the bud right away it seemed, so he moved back in right away, going to meetings several times a day and staying in close touch with his sponsor. Which lasted about a week. Again, things gradually went downhill and although I didn't think he was drinking, his behavior was still "dry drunk" . I knew the first year after treatment was going to be hard, so I figured this and the relapse were "normal" things to be expected and just tried to be supportive and deal with it. He continued to spiral downward, though, and his behavior got worse and worse, his thinking was very erratic and paranoid and negative,etc.....and eventually his actions got us evicted from our apartment. About this time I realized he was drinking again, probably had been all along, I guess, but I never wanted to accuse him of something he wasn't doing, so I never believed it was true. DENIAL. It's crazy how I know about it but in the midst of everything I still cant see it and find so many excuses. At this point I was devastated and knew that I had to stick to my boundaries or things would always be this way, or worse, so when we found another place to live (which was a miracle in itself) I told him that I couldn't go on supporting his self destruction and our family's destruction and that until I saw some effort to get better, he couldn't live with us anymore. It took every ounce of strength I didn't even think I had to go through with this, and at first it was hour by hour because I so bad wanted to just let him come home and let me help him through this horrible thing. Obviously I am still so sick myself, but I guess somehow between al-anon and my own therapy, I was getting a tiny bit healthy, because I have managed to stick to it. Our two kids (ages 9 and almost 2) and I have been living on our own and he is at his mom's just about a mile away. It is a horrible place for him to be since the whole family hangs out there and drinks constantly and are in denial about their own alcoholism. His 40 year old brother is also living there with mom and she doesn't seem to see that this is unusual. My husband is sinking fast. He has not made any attmpt to stop drinking, in fact he seems to have just given up and is once again drunk 24/7, even at work as far as I can tell. He came to our daughter's soccer game drunk last week, something I never imagined would happen. Anybody who knows my husband and our family would never believe what's going on. He has had a lifetime of covering up and keeping face for the outside world, (I have too, I guess) and he comes across as the most kind, gentle, caring, sweet person you could know. Which he is, but this nasty disease is sucking that out of him and he's becoming someone else. ANYWAY, I am struggling with these thoughts that maybe I should let him come home, and then he would get it together because he would feel love and support from me. I wonder if I've taken the wrong approach and I feel like I have abandoned him at his darkest hour. Even though my gut tells me I need to do this, I still wonder if it is the right thing. He was such a secret drinker/drunk that the kids didn't even know he had a problem. There was never any yelling or violence just the deteriorating relationship between us and his mental deterioration as well. But I cant help but think that this was better than the family being torn up like this. He has come to see us only twice in 4 weeks, although he calls twice a day for the kids, but completely avoids me. Any talk betweeen us is totally surface. If i try to talk to him he shuts down completely. For this I find myself blaming me as well because maybe I have been too much of a nag over the years and he can't take it anymore? Is that my sick thinking again? God, I am having a hard time differentiating between that and reality. I am so confused. I don't know what to do. I have been a stay at home mom for 9 years and now I need to get a job mainly because Im terrified hes going to lose his or stop putting the money in the account. I dont feel I can depend on him so I know i need to take care of us myself. Still, I feel like if I just let him come home, he would back into his program and together we could do it. I have such guilt about making him face this alone. And I hate that it is his mother taking care of him and not me. I am his wife, isnt' that MY job? OK I guess I have revealed enough of myself. I know I must seem completely crazy and codependent and all that. Because I am. Im trying though. I just dont know how to tell if im making the right choices. I have to go get some sleep before its time to get up! If anybody has actually read through all this, thanks for "listening". Thanks for letting me get it out.

journeygal

Hi Veggiemom and welcome!

Well, you're struggling b/c not letting your husband come home goes against every codependent bone in your body. But you are doing the right thing. You guys had 10 years of marriage to work on his problem together, yet he kept getting worse. It is completely up to him to decide when enough is enough. He has to hit his bottom and he won't as long as he has someone enabling him. Before it was you, now it's his mom. One day he will see the light, but until then, you can't do anything for him. You can't fix him. It's not your job, not his mom's, no one's but his.

I do think getting a job is a very good idea, b/c you don't know what will happen with him. He could lose his job, decide to stop paying, or who knows. As long as he continues to drink, you can't really count on him to make rational and responsible decisions. Make sure you do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your kids.

I know this is a tough situation but keep hanging in there and going to meetings. And when you're ready, you'll be able to share with the group.

I'm glad you found us. Take care and keep coming back.

Hugs,
JG

insane

i'm so sorry you are going through all of this, veggiemom.

i'm new here too and don't have much wisdom to share, but i do know that going to meetings and doing the daily readings help. keep up the good work. you will start to share, find a sponsor, and start step work when you are ready.

another thing that helped me was something someone said to me at a meeting last week and also here a day or two ago...you don't have to decide every single thing right now. just try to focus on you and your kids. its ok to want your husband to get well and to have compasion for him, but you have no control over that. the last 10 years tells you so, right? it is so painful, i know...and so confusing.

hang in there, take good care, and i will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Daffodil

Welcome veggiemom

I am rather new here myself...but it is great place to come since it's open 24-7.

I am not new at Al-Anon, You are doing great just going...Sometimes we come into Al-Anon so worn out that we need time just to heal enough to start working the program...I didn't get insane and unmangeable all at once nor will I get healthy all at once.I didn't get the program all at once, not do I get it all today...I just KNOW it works for me...I want the serenity that working the program can give me on a daily basis.

Try just appylling one of the slogans, I'd suggest "EASY DOES", and "ONE DAY AT A TIME", and just repeating them over to your self until you can recover enought to make healthy decisions for yourself and childern.

Keep posting.... I'll listen, and then you may just be surprised at what your telling yourself about this thing called recovery...

Love and prayers for one who cares,

jessieandme2003

Please feel welcome here, and get out all you need to say if it helps you. It sure helps me. We all understand and care and don't mind one bit how long a post may get.

You are doing the right thing. They can't hit bottom if their codependents don't let them. You need to focus on you and your kids and put all the thoughts and energy you would put into taking care of him into taking care of yourself and them. What will you do today to make yourself a smile? To make your kids laugh?

I'll share a few of the slogans that helped me early on...
The three C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it.
One day at a time.
Give yourself the Gift of Time.

And, silly as it may sound, I forced myself to read the serenity prayer each day by sending it as the opening of an email to my best grilfriend everyday.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I chose to accept I could not change my husband, and fought to find the courage to change my everday life for myself and my daughter by putting 100% of my energy and love towards our happiness, one day at a time.

Hang in there.

EmotionalMeg

Hi Veggiemom,
I too, am so glad you found us. I have been posting here for almost a year now, and the wisdom, love and encouragement at SR just keeps piling up.

I am always amazed at how often someone comes along who I could swear is living the same life I am. My AH and I have been together for 11 years, married for 4; Yup... I married him just as you did, KNOWING that he was an Alcoholic. At the time, I honestly thought that he'd "outgrow" it. I went through so many different stages in my attempt to "deal with" his disease.

The first stage was the DENIAL: "He's not really THAT bad... he only gets hammered once or twice a week (even though he drank every day)". I remember him and I making an "agreement" that he got Friday nights every week, to do whatever he wanted to; for him, it was a night where he could get drunk and high and not hear flack from me. For me, it was a way that I could control him - he could have this night for himself, but the other 6 days a week he had to stay home with me and the kids; I got to watch over him and enforce rules
Obviously, this "plan" didn't work for either of us; he ended up sneaking out other nights, and I just got angrier and more resentful.

Then, I decided that I would just play the VICTIM role, and make him see how much he was hurting me.
I would still bit*h and complain to him about his drinking, but I also began seeking out people to console me. I would tell them how awful he was, how out of control he was... "Oh woe is me!". Guess what THEY told me... "LEAVE". Geesh, NOT what I wanted to hear. And my husband? He didn't even notice what I was trying to do - he was just happy to have more free time to use and drink.
I even used to go out drinking with girlfriends a lot, and dancing and meeting guys... I would tell these men that I was married, but that my husband was an A... again, the "woe is me" tactic... just hoping that my AH would see how easily he could lose me. It never worked either. These men just wanted to sleep with me, and my AH was too preoccupied to notice.

Then, I decided that I had to DO something.
I made an appoinment with a D and A counsellor, and went into his office and said "My husband is an A, how do I get him to stop drinking?!". The counsellor suggested that I go to Alanon, and I thought "man! what is wrong with him!? My husband needs help, not me!"
I went to bookstores and bought books for HIM, with titles like "Addiction" and "How to quit drinking" . He he... I even bought him Dr. Phil books.
Guess what... he never read them - in fact I think he used them as coasters for his beer bottles.

Eventually, I hit my own bottom. I was exhausted and emotionally spent. I was out of options - I tried everything, I thought.
So I began going to my first Alanon meetings, and spent most of them just crying and crying.
By about the second or third month, it dawned on me.
I have NOT tried everything; I have not tried taking care of myself. And I liked this idea :babydevil. Like "it's about time that I was doing what I wanted to do". And thats how it began.
Now, my feelings towards him and his disease have changed a lot.
I am not angry AT him anymore. I don't hold resentment and grudges... I hate his disease, but I have compassion for the man who is suffering through it. I see things through my OWN eyes now - like "what is the best for ME?", not "how will this effect HIM?". I do what I need to do and let the chips fall where they may.

In April of this year I kicked my AH out, after he spent thousands of dollars and went missing for 4 days. I just told him that he could not come home... I needed to take care of me and our children, and his behavior was putting us in great danger.
He hit a bottom here.
He called his sponser and lived with him for 3 weeks...
He has been back home and sober for 5 months now. But my boundaries are what keep me safe - Whether he relapses or not, is out of my control... but never again will WE be taken advantage of. He is completely responsible for his behaviors; If he relapses and does not pick himself up and keep trying, he cannot live here. It is the ONLY way I can maintain my recovery and provide a safe and healthy home for our children.

I just wanted to share MY story, so you can see how you are not alone. And to give you some hope, and something to hold onto. Sometimes the insanity of how we live is overwhelming... When you find yourself at the point of surrender; feeling that there is nothing left to do... there IS. There is YOU, and a whole lifetime of happiness and serenity at your own fingertips.

Keep going to your meetings, and keep sharing with us - we'll be here to listen too.
Take care
Meg

veggiemom

Thank you, everyone who has taken the time to respond to my post. I wasn't sure if anyone would even read it (like I said, I just needed to vent!). Your words are all very comforting to me. I am grateful to have found this place. Thank you so much!

veggiemom

P.S. Is there a way to respond to individual posts or can you only reply at the end of the thread? Thanks