nodaybut2day

I apologize for posting blow by blows of my life here. I feel as though this is a “safe” place where people won’t roll their eyes (albeit virtually) and wish I’d just shut up already. I hope I'm right!

I got in touch with XAH’s 3rd wife to ask her if she had obtained sole custody of her son with XAH by default, and if she had ever been able to collect child support from him. I had assumed she had, since a few years ago when I filed XAH’s taxes for him, I noticed that his federal tax return had been seized. I thought I did my research thoroughly and found out that XAH’s 3rd wife had managed to get her hands on the only thing she could: his tax return.

She wrote back to me this morning stating she never received a cent from him. I asked further questions to clarify but it seems that XAH hasn’t paid child support for his 3rd son for over 5 years. Also, she said she’d be willing to testify in court against him if it could help me.

Here’s where it gets tricky.

She wants me to tell her what XAH’s current address is so she can report him to the police for evading child support.

What do I do?

I’ve thought of a few things:

• If I do give up his address to his X, it might make things very difficult for his 12 year old son. I’m not sure what happens here in Canada when a father neglects to support a child for so long (jail or just garnishment of wages?). Either way, his son would either find himself without a dad or with a very poor and angry dad hell bent on revenge. That can’t be good.
• As much as I know *I* got the ball rolling on this by contacting this woman, there’s a little voice in my head that tells me that XAH is just reaping what he sowed. No one forced him at gunpoint to have 4 children with 4 different women, and then to abandon his first and third child. I may be the initiator but perhaps HP is giving him an opportunity to learn here…I can’t make up my mind about my “guilt” in this…I know that just *giving* her the information would be tantamount to taking revenge out on XAH, but would suggesting she google my name (which would lead her to XAH’s address) be the same? Ugh I don’t know…
• If she does manage to get her hands on XAH and he has to pay her child support, I’m betting he’ll try to get shared custody of DD and come after ME for child support. In essence, because I make more money than XAH and his X wife combined, *I’d* be paying her child support.
• If XAH finds out, or deduces that I was the one to lead his X to him, there will be hell to pay. I’m talking all out war here. He won’t hesitate to use whatever he has or fabricate things to make my life painful and difficult. I’m scared he might even make a move to take DD and run, just to hurt me.
• If I do have to go to court to fight him, XAH may well not show up, just like he didn’t show up in court to fight for custody of his 3rd son, because he’s afraid of being so near the law. XAH’s mother suggested as much.

Again, I’m very sorry to bring up such an unrelated topic to the forum. I appreciate any comments or suggestions. And obviously, I’ll be speaking to my lawyer about this today.

GiveLove

I'd definitely speak to your lawyer before acting, noday.

Part of your questions are things he/she can answer - the what-ifs, the likelihood of you having to pay child support, etc.

That may give you a lot more clarity.

laurie6781

I am sorry that you are going through this.

I would suggest that you discuss this with your attorney before you make your decision on whether to give her his current address. There may be good and/or bad ramifications that you have not thought of.

If attorney thinks it is okay I would give it to her. It will be a consequence of his actions.

Know we are walking with you in spirit on this.

Love and hugs,

harleyd101

I would be inclined to ask you what your motive was for contacting her? I think that if you lived with him, on some level you knew if he was or wasn't paying child support for that child. You really didn't need to reach into the past to figure out if he was being a responsible parent by paying child support for his previous children. (said gently and with love!)

For every action, there is a counter-action. You have a lawyer, use him. It doesn't matter what has happened with previous children, you have to look at the facts of the "here and now", and base your actions on those, on what is best for you and your child. This may very well be a can of worms that should have never been opened. I am told repeatedly that if I don't know what to do, then I should do nothing. Your best bet is to let the lawyer handle this one, for the situation you are paying him for, and let the rest shake down however it should (without your help!!)

Seems to me that if she was interested in his where-abouts, she could find that without your help.....big hugs, hope that wasn't too brutal!!!!

nodaybut2day

Harley...my motivation for contacting her was to find out exactly what judgments were passed by default against XAH with regards to custody and child support, since he is threatening to take me to court for custody of my child. Very calculated and mean of me. There's no justification, just an explanation: I'm scared he'll take my baby from me and I needed ammo.

You're right, she could easily find out where he lives if she just googled him or me. I did it myself today, and poof, there I was.

I'm feeling a lot of regret for doing this, but I can't change it now.

wanting

If you send her a subpoena as a witness, won't his contact info be on the paperwork?

harleyd101

Then I owe you an apology, because I was running on the assumption that you lived here in the states. I have no knowledge of how things run where you are at, and I am sorry if I offended you!!!

Don't beat yourself up for doing this, when it comes to our children, we would go to the ends of the world and back to protect them!

nodaybut2day

No apology necessary. It was a below the belt thing to do, and I did agonize over it a bit, and then decided to go ahead because XAH was making more noise about going to court. I'm grasping for straws really, because here in Canada, it doesn't seem to people go to jail for non payment of child support; the government just suspends their license (he doesn't have one), or garnishes their wages.

And yes, I imagine that if this X was supoena-ed, she'd instantly know his contact information, and would then be able to apply to the Quebec government for help in getting support from him.

rdy4change

I agree with the others as far as asking your attorney. If your attorney says it's OK then ask the Xwife for her attorney's name # and let the attorney's contact each other. You may have opened the can of worms but you don't have to dig in it. If XAH asks if you gave him up, you can honestly say no.

rdy4change

OK...I re-read this thread. Sorry Harly...I guess I unknowingly re-wrote your second paragraph in my own words. Is it Friday yet!

transformyself

I"m just confused about why you feel regret? Are you serious? This guy is a practicing alcoholic, you're intimidated by him to the point where you're afraid to protect your baby and in my books, you've done something couragous and smart.

yes, talk to your attorney, have the lawyer handle this even. All though am I rememering correctly that your lawyer is sort of whimpy and thinks you don't have a good case?

This sounds like the type of informaiton a court needs when determining his ability as a parent. great ammo against him in court if he tries to sue you for custody, if you can show his pattern of sucky parenting.

don't second guess yourself! You've done fantastic sluething and are standing up for yourself and your child. you'll need legal advice, but for gods sake, be proud of what you've done!

transformyself

And I"m sorry but I strongly disagree with this

I have personally defended myself in court, done research work for my attorneys and his pattern of parenting is VERY relevant to this custody case. I believe you should be commended not shamed or told to do nothing!

Jadmack25

"The past is a predicator of the future". This man, (I am using the word man very loosely here) has sired 4 children and literally abandoned 3 of them in the past, so why is he doing all this for your child? Love for his child? Not in my book he isn't.

You need all the facts and figures to present to a judge to show what this creep really is, and if you can have an exwife show this part of his life, then get your lawyer to do it.

Keeping this innocent child out of his toxic clutches is PRIORITY for you, and using his prior behaviour and actions against him is justified.

God bless

nodaybut2day

Well, the question about whether or not I should give this x wife XAH's info is moot: I wrote to her last night and told her I simply could not give her what she wanted because I feared XAH's reaction so much. This is somewhat of a first for me: I'm not used to saying "no" to people, but I'm slowly learning how to do it without feeling selfish.

What I wrote must have hit home because she responded this morning, telling me she understood perfectly having been in my shoes, and that, upon reflection, she doesn't want to go after XAH's money because it'll mean trouble for her and her son. She did however state that if I ever went for a big court battle against XAH and that it was all out war with him, she'd testify in court if I needed. She then offered her phone number if I wanted to talk.

Honestly, this email felt like a gift from HP.

Obviously, I'm not about to become best friends with the woman. As much as she "forgives" me for all the things I "did to her", I haven't forgotten she almost drove me mad several years ago with her own threats, begging, and harassment. I'm not holding a grudge; I think we'd both been very cleverly manipulated and pited against each other by XAH. I just want to be careful.

I will however keep her contact information for one purpose: my DD may one day want to get to know the other sibblings she has. Right now, she has three half-brothers in the US and Canada. I expect that there will be more sibblings in the future...As much as this totally isn't what I wanted for her in terms of family, if she expresses the desire to meet her sibblings, I want to be able to help her do this.

Thank you all for your input and support. I appreciate it.

transformyself

Good for you! Did you tell your attorney about the other children and your AH's utter lack of financial support for them? I have this fantasy of you going into mediation, laying out his history with his other children and telling him you'll be requesting full custody. With a smile..

nodaybut2day

I have a telephone consultation scheduled with her Tuesday at 10h00 to discuss all this stuff (XAH having a male roommate, threatening to take me to court, XAH's previous children and nonpayment of child support). We'll see what comes of it. I REALLY would like to make your dream come true transformie; a small, but growing part of me would like to do that and then break out laughing in a very sinister way, like Mr. Burns.

transformyself

Ha! Love the mental image!

I remember when I first started standing up to AH. He didn't know what to make of it. Then he pulled out his little bag of tricks-compliance alternating with intimidation. It was a bit freaky at first, but when I see it for what it is and don't react emotionally I feel like a super hero..the old tricks no longer work and I am detached and feeling good about myself.

You're on the way!

Oh, and I still get pulled into the drama sometimes. It's the problem with having contact due to custody, etc.

isurvived

well, you have to do what you feel is right. Cause when it's all "said and done" you'll be better off in the end with yourself.

These nasty things AH's do seem to eventually work their way to the surface, and it is really true when it is said "what goes around, comes around".

My X AH is reaping what he sowed... little by little. Each time I hear of an incident, I think to myself "see, I told you so."