My potential boundaries - any good?
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My potential boundaries - any good?
I’ve mentioned my potential new boundaries in my other post about the sick nervous feeling i often get at the moment, but i thought i should start a new thread as boundaries are a whole other issue.
So, I was thinking of saying that I won’t spend time with him when he has been drinking beforehand, and I won’t be around him when he is very drunk. Does that sound reasonable as a boundary? The only problem with enforcing the part about not being around him if he’s been drinking, is that i can’t always be 100% sure when i speak to him on phone or by text that he has been drinking – usually i have an inkling but not definite. Also, sometimes if i can’t get hold of him it doesn’t necessarily mean he is drinking, so i might go round to his house and then find out he has been so i will then have to leave – this is annoying for me because i wonder why i should have to suffer and make my way home again, and also it makes the situation harder to handle when face to face. Invariably i get upset and don’t want to leave and be on my own. Guess i just need to be tougher. This boundary setting is so difficult!
Any opinions are welcomed – I know boundaries are personal but I would appreciate some advice. I think if I could get some in place properly, I might be able to finally get some peace.
So, I was thinking of saying that I won’t spend time with him when he has been drinking beforehand, and I won’t be around him when he is very drunk. Does that sound reasonable as a boundary? The only problem with enforcing the part about not being around him if he’s been drinking, is that i can’t always be 100% sure when i speak to him on phone or by text that he has been drinking – usually i have an inkling but not definite. Also, sometimes if i can’t get hold of him it doesn’t necessarily mean he is drinking, so i might go round to his house and then find out he has been so i will then have to leave – this is annoying for me because i wonder why i should have to suffer and make my way home again, and also it makes the situation harder to handle when face to face. Invariably i get upset and don’t want to leave and be on my own. Guess i just need to be tougher. This boundary setting is so difficult!
Any opinions are welcomed – I know boundaries are personal but I would appreciate some advice. I think if I could get some in place properly, I might be able to finally get some peace.
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In my case, I set a boundary that I wouldn't be around someone who was drunk or really angry. Sometimes I drove my own car so that if he chose to do what he did I could drive myself home when I was ready to leave. Other times I would remove myself from a conversation, and leave the house to go to a movie or shopping or some other treat for myself.
It's hard at first to change how you look at things. I decided I was making the changes FOR me to improve my life, rather than BECAUSE of him and the stuff he was doing. It sounds silly but it made a difference.
Good luck. Little changes and baby steps will lead you to a better life. I promise.
It's hard at first to change how you look at things. I decided I was making the changes FOR me to improve my life, rather than BECAUSE of him and the stuff he was doing. It sounds silly but it made a difference.
Good luck. Little changes and baby steps will lead you to a better life. I promise.
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It's not my job to keep tabs on another person; and it's never been effective those times I tried to. There are too many compications and the burden of it is not something I'm willing to submit to.
When my son started using drugs, I wore myself out trying to keep tabs on if or how much had he used. It did nothing to stop or slow him down nor protect me from his behavior.
How I try to 'do' boundaries is to keep it simple. If somebody makes me uncomfortable and is bent on continuing to do so..._in that moment_ I make a choice to separate myself from what's going on at that time.
Long range plans are not an issue at that point-but if 'it' keeps happening-then I may decide to make a change to prevent it from continually affecting me.
In your case, by calling/texting....what if he drinks but you don't catch on? or what if he drinks on the way over? There is no way to control this-but to gauge by his actions.
When my son started using drugs, I wore myself out trying to keep tabs on if or how much had he used. It did nothing to stop or slow him down nor protect me from his behavior.
How I try to 'do' boundaries is to keep it simple. If somebody makes me uncomfortable and is bent on continuing to do so..._in that moment_ I make a choice to separate myself from what's going on at that time.
Long range plans are not an issue at that point-but if 'it' keeps happening-then I may decide to make a change to prevent it from continually affecting me.
In your case, by calling/texting....what if he drinks but you don't catch on? or what if he drinks on the way over? There is no way to control this-but to gauge by his actions.
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Hi, IWC!
Oh, I just spent months thinking about this too!
I agree with catspajamas and cmc- your boundaries about about you and what you want in your life. They really aren't about a certain person; they are about behavior from anyone.
If you had a boundary that you will not be around “him” when he has been drinking or is drunk, that's about him. However, if you have a boundary that you will not be around anyone who has been mean to you repeatedly, or has done unsafe things to you, that's about you, making yourself safe and happy and validated.
In a way we don't “set” boundaries; we “recognize” them. They exist inside us. When we encounter a behavior, we know right away if it's okay with us or not, if it make us feel unsafe or disrespected or disgusted.
Thinking of it that way makes it easier to respect and embrace our boundaries because they are there for us and they comes from inside us. We validate and respect who we are when we recognize and respect our boundaries. “I will not walk into a wall of fire.” “I will not stick around to be yelled at and insulted.” "I will not get into a car with a drunk driver."
Actually, after being with XABF (the first time I was with a full-blown A), technically, the drinking was not an issue for me- not one of my boundaries. I'm around drinking or drunk people a lot of the time- when I go to a hockey game, when I go to a work party, when I go to a bar, and probably millions of times that I don't even know about. Heck, sometimes I have a beer at the hockey game! Setting a boundary that I will not be around drinking would be impossible to respect completely. And I think it's ineffective to have boundaries that we erode with exceptions. Then they aren't boundaries.
Oh, I just spent months thinking about this too!
I agree with catspajamas and cmc- your boundaries about about you and what you want in your life. They really aren't about a certain person; they are about behavior from anyone.
If you had a boundary that you will not be around “him” when he has been drinking or is drunk, that's about him. However, if you have a boundary that you will not be around anyone who has been mean to you repeatedly, or has done unsafe things to you, that's about you, making yourself safe and happy and validated.
In a way we don't “set” boundaries; we “recognize” them. They exist inside us. When we encounter a behavior, we know right away if it's okay with us or not, if it make us feel unsafe or disrespected or disgusted.
Thinking of it that way makes it easier to respect and embrace our boundaries because they are there for us and they comes from inside us. We validate and respect who we are when we recognize and respect our boundaries. “I will not walk into a wall of fire.” “I will not stick around to be yelled at and insulted.” "I will not get into a car with a drunk driver."
Actually, after being with XABF (the first time I was with a full-blown A), technically, the drinking was not an issue for me- not one of my boundaries. I'm around drinking or drunk people a lot of the time- when I go to a hockey game, when I go to a work party, when I go to a bar, and probably millions of times that I don't even know about. Heck, sometimes I have a beer at the hockey game! Setting a boundary that I will not be around drinking would be impossible to respect completely. And I think it's ineffective to have boundaries that we erode with exceptions. Then they aren't boundaries.
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I have the same boundary: I choose not to be around someone who's really drunk. It's dangerous and sad and sickening to me. If that sounds right for you, in your gut, then you really have two options: Call before you go to his house, when he's home, and suss out the situation for yourself (don't just show up any more, in other words, until you get a read on his sobriety). Or go round there, and be prepared to leave again. You'll get awfully tired of the latter, I'm thinking.
If someone wants to drink, that's just fine by me. Their life, their choice. I just don't enjoy being around them, and so I'm not.
There's no right or wrong with this (unless you're making ultimatums, which is another topic) Just wanting you to know I share that boundary. It's important to my peace of mind.
If someone wants to drink, that's just fine by me. Their life, their choice. I just don't enjoy being around them, and so I'm not.
There's no right or wrong with this (unless you're making ultimatums, which is another topic) Just wanting you to know I share that boundary. It's important to my peace of mind.
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Just to be clear, iwant, it is acceptable for him to engage in drinking/drug use, but not around you? (not meant to be snotty, just for clarification).
Because, I wonder if what you're really saying is that it's not ok to have him in your life while he's in active addiction, but you perhaps believe that setting this ground rule will have an impact on him in some way.
Frankly, I think this sounds like a set-up for frustration. It sounds crazy-making to me, to always be trying to discern whether or not he has had a drink, whether if, via text message, he "sounds" intoxicated. Wow. Talk about exerting energy. With that being said, I assure you that I do not wish to sound disrespectful, and believe me I do understand where you're at. That "feeling" you get inside - know it all too well. I just think this is an extremely difficult situation to try and function in.
Keep working, keep processing
Because, I wonder if what you're really saying is that it's not ok to have him in your life while he's in active addiction, but you perhaps believe that setting this ground rule will have an impact on him in some way.
Frankly, I think this sounds like a set-up for frustration. It sounds crazy-making to me, to always be trying to discern whether or not he has had a drink, whether if, via text message, he "sounds" intoxicated. Wow. Talk about exerting energy. With that being said, I assure you that I do not wish to sound disrespectful, and believe me I do understand where you're at. That "feeling" you get inside - know it all too well. I just think this is an extremely difficult situation to try and function in.
Keep working, keep processing
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Coffeedrinker - I'm not sure about the answer to that question - I don't think it is OK for him to be drinking, but as long as he is trying to get better and putting in the effort to improve his mental state and in turn cut down on drinking, then it has to be OK at the moment. I am not at the point where I want to give up on us yet. I do want him to stop drinking but that is too unrealistic for him right now. And yes, it does sound exhausting trying to work out if he has been drinking, but I do that now anyway. I might as well put it to use and decide on some action for myself if he is.
Givelove - it is good to know you share the same boundary. How long did it take you to enforce it and stick by it at first? I know I will find it so hard. Especially if he has only had a couple because at first he can be extra kind and loving (until he either falls asleep or gets moody that is).
My boundary does extend to anyone - I won't be around anyone who is very drunk and abusive. I do drink sometimes myself but the novelty is soon wearing off since i've been dealing with my ABF. I think of alcohol as the enemy most of the time. I wish it was banned!!
Givelove - it is good to know you share the same boundary. How long did it take you to enforce it and stick by it at first? I know I will find it so hard. Especially if he has only had a couple because at first he can be extra kind and loving (until he either falls asleep or gets moody that is).
My boundary does extend to anyone - I won't be around anyone who is very drunk and abusive. I do drink sometimes myself but the novelty is soon wearing off since i've been dealing with my ABF. I think of alcohol as the enemy most of the time. I wish it was banned!!
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Givelove - it is good to know you share the same boundary. How long did it take you to enforce it and stick by it at first? I know I will find it so hard. Especially if he has only had a couple because at first he can be extra kind and loving (until he either falls asleep or gets moody that is).
I have done far more damage to my self-respect by committing to myself and then letting me down.
I was desperate to stop suffering, and so I waited until I felt strong enough to do it right.
btw, I have also learned to hate that sweety-sweet attitude that comes after the first couple of drinks. I'm no longer interested in chemically-induced affection....there is nothing genuine about it, and it actually makes me sick to my stomach, because I know the truth.
Just my experience, though.
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Everything worthwhile in my life was a tough road at first......and then it got easier with practice. My life would be so much less if I'd never expended this effort. It has benefits that extend far beyond not having to be around a drunken man.
Hugs, iwantcontrol
You can do this.
Hugs, iwantcontrol
You can do this.
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