Does my boyfriend have a problem
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: warwickshire
Posts: 1
Does my boyfriend have a problem
Hi
I was wondering if anyone can give me any advice. my boyfriend has always been a bit of a heavy drinker in the 10 years i have known him. its always been a 3-4 pints in the pub most nights. since we have moved in to our own place 6 years ago he has started drinking a lot at home. he goes to work each day with no problems, though most evenings he is drinking. some times it can be just the 3 pints other times 6 cans. he does have the odd day with out drinking, sometime 4 days straight. weekends are always drinking, if we arent going out then he can start drinking about 2pm ish, if we are out then again it is just in the evening. i drink more then i should but do tend to not drink on work nights, so i tend to only drink on the weekends. I have told him he needs to cut down and have a few more non alcohol days. my main concern is now that he has been hiding his drinking. usually he leaves his empty cans on the side in the kitchen and ill put them in the recycling the next day. i came home from work last night and there were no cans and i though great thats 2 days with out drinking. (i didnt get home till 11pm, so he had already gone to bed) though when i put more recycling out this morning, i noticed empty cans in the should have been empty bin. then i noticed he had hidden a can behind things in the fridge. i asked him about it and he said it must have been there from before. but i know this is not the case.
Sorry this is a long tale. just wondering if you think he may be starting to have a problem, also what can i do to get him to cut down a bit more.??
Thankyou in advance
I was wondering if anyone can give me any advice. my boyfriend has always been a bit of a heavy drinker in the 10 years i have known him. its always been a 3-4 pints in the pub most nights. since we have moved in to our own place 6 years ago he has started drinking a lot at home. he goes to work each day with no problems, though most evenings he is drinking. some times it can be just the 3 pints other times 6 cans. he does have the odd day with out drinking, sometime 4 days straight. weekends are always drinking, if we arent going out then he can start drinking about 2pm ish, if we are out then again it is just in the evening. i drink more then i should but do tend to not drink on work nights, so i tend to only drink on the weekends. I have told him he needs to cut down and have a few more non alcohol days. my main concern is now that he has been hiding his drinking. usually he leaves his empty cans on the side in the kitchen and ill put them in the recycling the next day. i came home from work last night and there were no cans and i though great thats 2 days with out drinking. (i didnt get home till 11pm, so he had already gone to bed) though when i put more recycling out this morning, i noticed empty cans in the should have been empty bin. then i noticed he had hidden a can behind things in the fridge. i asked him about it and he said it must have been there from before. but i know this is not the case.
Sorry this is a long tale. just wondering if you think he may be starting to have a problem, also what can i do to get him to cut down a bit more.??
Thankyou in advance
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hello 
In Al-Anon there's saying called the 3 C's of alcoholism:
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Cure it.
I can't Control it.
This helps me place the focus on what I can control-which is myself alone. It's not easy to watch a loved one make bad choices. There are many here who have learned how to cope and better manage their lives in spite of what how the other person behaves.
I hope you will take some time to look at the sticky threads where you will find lots of especially helpful threads along with other reading material & resouces.
Welcome to SR.
In Al-Anon there's saying called the 3 C's of alcoholism:
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Cure it.
I can't Control it.
This helps me place the focus on what I can control-which is myself alone. It's not easy to watch a loved one make bad choices. There are many here who have learned how to cope and better manage their lives in spite of what how the other person behaves.
I hope you will take some time to look at the sticky threads where you will find lots of especially helpful threads along with other reading material & resouces.
Welcome to SR.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Welcome B29
I am fairly new to this site too but I would suggest that you feel as though you have a problem with his drinking, if you are placing a thread on this site about his drinking. If his drinking is becoming a problem to you then he has a problem with drinking.
Start reading through the site and you will soon begin to identify with many of the posters, as do I. Recognising the cause and the symptoms is a good start.
As CMC said, take some time to read through some of the sticky threads.
I am fairly new to this site too but I would suggest that you feel as though you have a problem with his drinking, if you are placing a thread on this site about his drinking. If his drinking is becoming a problem to you then he has a problem with drinking.
Start reading through the site and you will soon begin to identify with many of the posters, as do I. Recognising the cause and the symptoms is a good start.
As CMC said, take some time to read through some of the sticky threads.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
B29, your BF's drinking pattern sounds similar to my XAH's from a few years ago. In my experience, his drinking escalated - he couldn't do ANY sober days for about a year. Then his drinking really started to pick up... I tried everything and anything to get him to stop. Nothing worked. I was miserable for a long, long time. Then I found this forum - which has helped me so much! I hope you stick around and find the same support, advice and wisdom I found here.
I'd also like to recommend 'Codependant No More' by Melody Beattie. This book was a real eye opener for me and I have re read it regularly. It has really helped me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
B29,
yesbutno stated it correctly. if YOU have a problem with his drinking, then there is a problem. for YOU. apparently it is not yet a problem for him.
that aside, i have rarely met the person who thinks someone has a problem, and that someone actually doesn't. i think it is pretty clear that this is alcoholic drinking - esp. the covering up part. i suppose he started doing that when you started putting the squeeze on him. be clear on this, b29: he obviously does not think it a problem. if you start harrassing him, or suggesting otherwise, he has two choices -- openly defy you, or step up the cover-ups/lying to try and keep the peace. he probably doesn't want to lose you, so unless he's a jerk, i would guess he'll do the latter. that's the way it usually goes.
my heart goes out to you. this is a painful thing to endure.
yesbutno stated it correctly. if YOU have a problem with his drinking, then there is a problem. for YOU. apparently it is not yet a problem for him.
that aside, i have rarely met the person who thinks someone has a problem, and that someone actually doesn't. i think it is pretty clear that this is alcoholic drinking - esp. the covering up part. i suppose he started doing that when you started putting the squeeze on him. be clear on this, b29: he obviously does not think it a problem. if you start harrassing him, or suggesting otherwise, he has two choices -- openly defy you, or step up the cover-ups/lying to try and keep the peace. he probably doesn't want to lose you, so unless he's a jerk, i would guess he'll do the latter. that's the way it usually goes.
my heart goes out to you. this is a painful thing to endure.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I'm sorry that you are in this situation. But I am glad you are here with us.
My soon-to-be alcoholic ex-H has a problem similar to your boyfriend's. He drank at the same frequency for a long time. But the drinking increases as the dependence progresses.
You already know there is a problem because he doesn't have more non-drinking days than drinking days. And he doesn't show any signs of stopping, only of taking his indulgence underground.
It may only be worrisome to you right now. not a big, life-altering problem, but it will probably get there. That's just my opinion based on my experience.
My soon-to-be alcoholic ex-H has a problem similar to your boyfriend's. He drank at the same frequency for a long time. But the drinking increases as the dependence progresses.
You already know there is a problem because he doesn't have more non-drinking days than drinking days. And he doesn't show any signs of stopping, only of taking his indulgence underground.
It may only be worrisome to you right now. not a big, life-altering problem, but it will probably get there. That's just my opinion based on my experience.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I think it sounds like he does.
If he cannot imagine going about life without the drink...thats a problem.
If he DOES have a drinking problem, know this: IT WILL get worse, because alcoholism is progressive. I think you need to talk to him about it, feel out his response, then start asking yourself if you want this for the long term.
If he cannot imagine going about life without the drink...thats a problem.
If he DOES have a drinking problem, know this: IT WILL get worse, because alcoholism is progressive. I think you need to talk to him about it, feel out his response, then start asking yourself if you want this for the long term.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: London UK
Posts: 86
I had a similar drinking pattern (graduating to guzzling booze on the way home from work, to keep the house alcohol-free), but the problem really was what I did when I was drunk. You don't mention any consequences of his drinking in your post.
If your boyfriend is completely fine, even when drunk, I'd be quite surprised, but to me it would be a small problem, like smoking cigarettes, rather than a big problem, like alcoholism.
If your boyfriend is completely fine, even when drunk, I'd be quite surprised, but to me it would be a small problem, like smoking cigarettes, rather than a big problem, like alcoholism.
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