I have a Dilemma

Old 01-20-2010, 02:05 AM
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I have a Dilemma

Hi Guys - me again!

My DD 19 years, would like to go to university. I support her fully, as education has always been at the top of my personal parenting priorities list. However my AH (22 years) says that he doesn’t want her to go to Uni. His arguments are that she is not university material! She can’t say what she wants to be when she completes her degree. She would like to do a Media Studies and Communications degree which could lead to many roles. She left school of her own choice, so we shouldn’t have to support her and we are currently paying for her sister to go to Uni and he doesn’t want to pay for this daughter for another 4 years ahead.

I have a serious problem with all of his arguments.

My daughter is bright, intelligent and above all wants to do it. Part of his argument is a ‘put down’ and part of his bullying behavior to her which I worry is affecting her self esteem. How can you say your own daughter isn’t university material! It’s an insult.

Her sister is studying nursing, so is obviously going to be a nurse but I don’t understand the logic behind her not being able to say “I want to be a journalist’ etc that would make any difference to leaving education with a degree and finding a career, whatever career she chooses to do.

She did leave school early, but only because we had made the decision to emigrate at that stage and she didn’t see any point in continuing with her studies, when we were going to move countries. She was 17 yrs old at the time.

We pay for our eldest daughter to study at Uni and have been sending her between $500-1000 AUD a month for the past 4 years to help support her. Our eldest daughter lives in another country to us and left home at 17yrs (another story). We can’t do it for one and not the other – I definitely do not agree with that.

This is a deal breaker for me.

The dilemma:

How do I argue this one with him when he is an irrational, unreasonable alcoholic?

I did look at moving out with my daughter (mainly because of the bullying) with every intention of supporting her through uni by myself. However, I did the sums and they didn’t stack up – bottom line, I am not financially strong enough to do it.

I also feel like I am letting her down because I can’t afford to do it on my own and he doesn’t want to do it.

What do I do, I am feeling totally stuck and suffering bad anxiety with it all yet again.
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Old 01-20-2010, 02:51 AM
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Fello from a fellow Aussie.
You cant rationalise with an irrational person.
This is a tough dilema.

If you had the money would you leave and support her? Are you choosing to stay due to finances? If this dilema had not come up are you wanting to leave the relationship anyway?

At the risk of stating the obvious there is more than one issue here.
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Old 01-20-2010, 03:21 AM
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Hi to you too Gold,

I am slowly getting stronger through Al-anon but also realise as I read and attend meetings, how much more I have to learn - its scary.

Yes, I am ready to leave and seriously, if I could afford it I would. I have reached the end of my tether at this point (again).

My needs not wants are not covered by my income alone, my current job is unstable and I would be in serious debt if I left. It would be financial suicide, so I have told myself that's it my higher power telling me the timing is not quite right and to wait until my financial circumstances improve.

I have lived in ambivalence before in my marriage and I dont like it, so if I have to stay for the time being, I have to learn to get along with him and apply the tools I am learning at al-anon. This is not easy, as today I have snapped at him a couple of times (not like me) because I have been reading the Al-Anon books and its sinking in that I am so angry that he is an alcoholic and that's a huge reason why I have been living in the merry-go-round of a marriage and the madness.

Its like one step forwards and two back.
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Old 01-20-2010, 03:30 AM
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Are there any in-between solutions, such as:

You move out, pay the necessities of your life. Maybe she can live with you, rent free. So, you are helping out in that regard, but it isn't costing you more. She goes to school, part time, works part time, contributes.

One or both of you may have to make compromises, to make in intermediate solution work. One or both of you may have to move, or work in different circumstances. She may have to move schools, move to where you are.

Life is about choices. Sometimes we don't get the ideal, but can still make choices that will get us to our overall goals.

CLMI
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Old 01-20-2010, 03:54 AM
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My DD 19 would live with me and work part time to help out but as I have said, the figures do not stack up in any shape or form.

By the end of this year, my eldest DD 22 will have completed her studies which will ease some of my own particular outgoings. A particular phase of a project that I am working on comes to an end in March/April this year, so closer to that time I will learn if I am being involved in the next stage and have some more job security. Later this year, I will have access to social security too as I am currently on a visa that doesnt allow for access to government social security payments until I have lived here for two years. Not that I intend to use it but its another safety net.

We only have a couple of weeks to register and pay for DD to do her course but AH and I are barely on speaking terms at the moment. DD's BF has suggested that she also has a lot on her plate and to leave Uni for another year. She is understandably bitterly disappointed, worried she will get too old and cant understand a parent who wont support her in wanting to further her education, particulary as we have supported her sister.

I have no answers.
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Old 01-20-2010, 04:19 AM
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if he won't budge, he won't budge, I don't know your education system, but here, a person can wait a few years, live on their own and then they are assessed as an individual and can get grants on that basis.

You can't make him be a reasonable parent. Your second daughter may have to wait awhile to go to college. Is that fair? no. but she could try and get an internship at a paper or do some VSO work or....anything to get some cash and build up her CV in the meantime.

which leaves the other issue, which is your life.
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Old 01-20-2010, 07:27 PM
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yesbut,

I went to college at 18, quit at 21, went back at 46, and will finish my degree at 48. My college years 18-22 were horrible. My last two have been heaven on earth. I was not ready for college then. I am now.

Your daughter can safely wait to go back to college until you can afford it...her brain will still be fine! It is not a death sentence Unfair? Yes, in light of the other daughter. Insulting (his comments)? Oh yes. But not the end of the world....just...a postponement perhaps.

Hoping that you can get out of debt, reduce your living expenses, and find a way to open up some options for yourself.
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Old 01-20-2010, 07:51 PM
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I try to make things equal with my 2 kids, but life doesn't always cooperate. I just do the best I can for each child as their needs arise and as my circumstances allow. I don't worry too terribly much about if they perceive this as being "fair". Life is never "fair" and is a lesson they must learn. They know that I do the best I can for each of them at the time.

If I were in your shoes, I would ask your younger DD to compromise by holding off for a year, going to work and putting a certain percentage of her earnings aside for college expenses. Her willingness to do that should help to demonstrate how badly she wants this education and hopefully your husband will see it as a sign that he may have been mistaken about her ambition.
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Old 01-21-2010, 07:06 AM
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Thanks guys for the responses.

I still don't trust myself with these dilemmas and seem to blow things out of proportion. I am at Al-Anon though and have now found this forum, so I hope to get better at trusting my instinct and making the right decisions.

My DD and I had a long talk about it and have agreed between us that she puts Uni on hold for at least this year whilst she continues to work full time and earn some money and do some saving.

As I can not afford to move out at this current moment in time, my DD is going to move out and house share with friends, which will be more affordable for her and I can help out/treat her occasionally, where I can. I don't want her to move out of home this way, it breaks my heart, but her dads constant controlling and bullying behavior towards her is only getting worse and DD and I both realise that it would be healthier for her in the long run to escape now. She is scared to be left in the home on her own with him and after another bad spat with her dad tonight, whilst I was out at a Al-Anon meeting, I came home to find she had left to go to her boyfriends house for some peace. This is a toxic environment for a 19yr old.

So thats where we are.

Thanks again for you support and 'Tell It Like It Is' straight forward postings, I needed to hear that.
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