No contact broken - not good.

Old 01-19-2010, 05:59 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
No contact broken - not good.

After a month of no contact, RAH calls me to see what my intentions are for the marriage. After telling him that I intended to continue working on it at some point - he tells me that he wants to talk about ending it.

Part of me says that this is his way of trying to finding out if I care about him. another part says that he wants out let him go.

I was quite reactive - angry and hung up after saying that he is always leaving me anyway so he should do what he wants and leave me alone.

I am quite upset right now. I knew I wasn't ready for any contact with him yet and I proved myself right. I can't talk to him without getting upset and it seems that he isn't ready to discuss anything but leaving.
Kassie2 is offline  
Old 01-19-2010, 08:11 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
If you aren't ready to discuss it with him then don't. You will know when the time is right.

I have learned through this program to avoid things that don't help me and only make me miserable. It sounds like contact with him is very painful for you and that you need more time. Don't feel guilty for being good to yourself. You deserve serenity and happiness.
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Old 01-20-2010, 01:22 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi kassie-

i too found that after a period of no contact, it was very clear to me how any communication with him really upset my status quo. i could be fine for days, and one single convesation would throw me off balance again.

you don't have to speak to him if you don't want to. you are in the driver's seat. if he wants to take steps to separate, why not let him?

it's not like a separation is forever anyway. if you separate and he seeks recovery and becomes healthy, you could always date again in the future, on your terms.

to me, a separation would be a blessing. then, the split is defined and you are once again managing your own life, your own finances, etc.

naive is offline  
Old 01-20-2010, 02:03 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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naive - we are separated and have been for more than one year - he did get sober Feb 1 last year for seven months, we dated then and planned to reunite.

It didn't happen then b/c his anger started coming out and we have been in a negative cycle since then. He admitted to relapsing for two months after he cancelled the move in. He has been on and off with wanting the relationship since then. In an effort to manage the situation better I recently
asked for a no contact separation to give us a chance to break this cycle.

So I set the limits which is considered having a relationship on my terms but it doesn't feel like it much. His latest response seems to be more of the same. It doesn't feel any better. I do think it was a mistake on my part to take the call but I guess I thought I would be ok and I am not.
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