FreeingMyself

I felt like I have made such progress over the past few weeks, because I simply "let go" or detached. We are still seperated and it has become easier as time has gone on, but I still have those moments where I wish for the fantasy. Nothing has changed in the 2 months he's been gone, with the exception of him not drinking as much (that I know of). Of course how can I know when I am not around...so even that I am not sure about. Every moment of "clarity" that I believe he has is overshadowed by the following day being his mean, verbally abusive angry self. He actually believes that I say things I don't say. If I say, "You claim to be a christian and you speak like that?", he believe that is the same as me making fun of his job and insulting his person. That is about as mean as I get. I was honest with him today about some of the things I feel, and he told me that he couldn't believe I would insult his person that way....which I didn't. I have stopped reacting to his degrading, mean comments which just makes him try harder. When I do slip and say something - usually not mean, but a truth about the past or my feelings, he gets SO angry. He even told me to stop playing the batter wife syndrome card becuase it was getting old. Really?? I have heard everyones comments about going no contact....but I don't feel I can do that. I feel like I need to maintain whatever friendship I cna with him for our children. That said, I have had a very strong 2 weeks, felt confident, and calm.....I need to find that part of me again. Pregnancy hormones, and sleepiness probably make it worse!!!

coffeedrinker

I understand what you are saying you wish for, with regards to having children together and such. But with all due respect, I think you may have lost sight of the fact that you are trying to be reasonable or expecting reasonable from him, but it is simply not possible. Think of him as being intoxicated. Even if he has not been drinking that day, I believe his mind is still muddy.

Thinking clearly, and in return acting so, is just not something that he is capable at this point.

I would suggest you try either: absolutely no contact (unless an emergency) or very limited contact (meaning, no snippy comments, as much you yearn to make them!)

You wish to knock some sense into him when you call him on his behavior, make him see how much of a dolt he is being, but this is a no-win situation.

FreeingMyself

QUICK QUESTION - what makes their minds stay "muddy" as what put above? What makes them, when not drinking, not be able to see how utterly insane their behavior is??? I need to understand this.

myawakening

Mentallyexh-I have asked the same question. My counselor helped me understand.

Imagine a blown up balloon made of play doh...nice smooth surfaces. Blood flowing in all directions...exactly like it should. Oxygen moving around nicely.

Now take a pencil and stick it all the way into the play doh balloon. In one side and out the other. Now you have a hole. Do many of these all over the play doh balloon and you have the damaged brain of an alcoholic. Blood and oxygen do not make full rotations around the brain because of the holes. Over time those parts of the brain become so damaged...hence the insane behavior. She showed me a book where these things were illustrated. If they stop drinking...the holes close up a bit...but the brain never gets back to its original form.

Brain cells do not regenerate themselves...once gone...they are gone for good. This is all I know...

Sad...very sad.

coffeedrinker

thank you, myawakening.

i can't articulate it, but i just know a lot of people say that they started thinking straight after they had achieved some decent sobriety.

perhaps go visit the alcoholics forum for more clarity?

naive

when i was attending open AA, they said that the alcoholic haze takes two years of sobriety to totally clear.

the way i see it, part of the confused reasoning is deliberate, to defend the drink, and part of it, is alcohol haze.

regardless of the reason, we have all experienced trying to have a logical conversation with our "sober" drunk, and having it go nowhere. just doesn't seem possible until they clear their head.