AWaterLily

I've been with my ABF for over a year. He did horrible things while drinking ... stealing, cheating (making personals profiles, chatting online and texting women, that I know of), stealing and abusing my perscription medication, and physically attacking me.

I'm not afraid to be alone and think I have good self esteem. I'm educated, intellegent, attractive and have lots of loving friends and family. I even went to a psychologist after my last boyfriend to figure out how not to pick selfish, immature men. I guess I should get my money back.

After a horrible incident where he went to jail for a week and I got 15 stitches in my legs from deep knife cuts, he seemed to have hit bottom. He's embraced AA and has been sober for 3 months.

I wasn't sure that we should be together after he got out of jail, but he was doing so much and I had so much hope. I knew that recovery would be long and difficult, but I thought I could deal with that.

Things were really good between us. It was hard and he didn't know how to deal with anything, he was so used to just turning to alcohol for anything from stress to boredom.

A little over 3 weeks ago we had a fight and I left. That very night he made a new personals profile. I found it and was crushed. I had blamed all his past evils on substances, but how could he do this to me again sober?!? The times before when he was unhealthy I forgave him blindly. He said that I had to figure out if I could forgive him and that was it. This time I said it couldn't be all on me. I needed 2 questions answered ... why did this happen again and what was he willing to do to make sure it never happened again?

He spent a week away from me. He's living with his parents now. In the last 2 weeks things were great because I didn't talk about our issue. He was very doting, sweet and loving. He tells me he loves me and that I'm the most important thing in the world to him. Earlier I had confronted him and was very emotional, because I was hurt. He said he didn't have the answers yet and need space and sent me away for the day or so. This happened twice. Then I decided to give him time and if I ran out of patients I would just leave him. It's been a little over 3 weeks now and he brought up that he'd talked to his parents about why he was living there. They don't know the details, just that we have something we are working through and that he wants to find a permanent solution like counciling. I thought this would be a good opportunity to try to get a status update from him. He then decided he need space from me right then and there. He called me the next day and I said it hurt me that he pushed me away as soon as I breached the subject when I'd offered to give him space other times and he insisted on seeing me. He hung up the phone on me and turned it off. I know I shouldn't have, but I went over there and tried to reason with him. That ended with him insisting on space and closing the door in my face.

I know that he shuts down when he can't or won't deal with an issue. I've even talked about this with his mom. He has a hard time even looking at the scars on my leg, but he has talked a little about it with me. I know that a lot of this behavior can be explained by addict behavior, but am I just making excuses?

Things between us were blissful until I brought up our issue and he seemed to turn into Mr. Hyde. I won't put up with this behavior (the running away from me or the cheating) and I won't contact him. I've decided that I won't see him until he's made some kind of forward progress like making an appointment for couples' counciling. Should I even allow for this possibility? Is his infidelity really about him struggling with running away from issues or is it that he'll just always cheat on me? According to him he hasn't even met any of these women, but does it matter?

I need help understanding. Sorry I wrote a novel, but I guess I needed to vent.

nodaybut2day

yes, I too would like some clarification: this man cut you with a knife? And repeatedly cheated on you? And stole from you? And you are wondering if you should reconcile with him?

I'm sorry if this is harsh, but as an outsider looking in, I want to please caution you to rethink the situation.

Is his infidelity really about him struggling with running away from issues or is it that he'll just always cheat on me?

Past behavior is an indicator of future behavior. Why would he change?

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Just because this man is sober doesn't mean he's not a cheating *******. And no, addiction is no excuse for his behavior. He CHOOSES to act the way he does. No one (not even you) put a gun to his head and MADE him contact other women whenever he was feeling a little low--poor him--and needed to have his ego boosted.

I'd like to gently point out that your post is almost entirely about him. His reactions. His actions. His thoughts. His feelings. Him him him.

What about you? What do you want out of life? What are your plans? How will you get there?

Keep posting.

KeepPedaling

I also think you should consider counseling. He sounds dangerous and hurtful and that you would consider staying with an abuser like that is a strong indicator that you need counseling. You deserve to be treated in a loving way. He's not doing that. Try to stop thinking about him so much and start thinking about how to best take care of you.

AWaterLily

He didn't stab me, but he was beating me up and he had kitchen knives in his back pockets that he was cutting himself with and when he wrestled me to the ground they cut through his pockets into my leg. I know it is still inexcusable.

I was reading some other posts and I guess what I was trying to explain was I think that his cheating is a dry drunk and him acting out addictively online. I don't know if that's really much of an excuse either.

In the last couple of weeks I have made a lot of forward progress. I'm spending lots of time with my friends and family although I'm unemployed and the financial strain restricts me from grabbing dinner with friends etc. I have decided to go back to school for my graduate degree and am studying with a friend for the GRE in April. I guess I'm trying to say that I'm fully ready to move on. But love is not like a lightswitch and I can't just turn it off. Lately he's been wonderful to me other than when I brought up the cheating issue.

I have been to counciling in the past and have attended Al-Anon meetings, but not recently. I read from the Al-Anon book and go online to learn, etc.

LaTeeDa

You can't really say anything after this that will make a difference.

This has nothing to do with alcoholism. This has to do with abuse. And, it absolutely has nothing to do with love.

I hope you can recognize your own value enough to stay away from this man.

L

nodaybut2day

I'm sorry but you seem to gloss over or minimize this very important fact to focus on his bouts of infidelity. What would you say to a younger sister who told a similar story? "Yes, darling, you should give the man who beat you and cut you another chance because he's been wonderful to you in the last few weeks"?

As I mentioned, past behavior is an indicator of future behavior. He did it before, and he'll do it again.

I guess I'm trying to say that I'm fully ready to move on. But love is not like a lightswitch and I can't just turn it off. Lately he's been wonderful to me other than when I brought up the cheating issue.

You have been making awesome steps in the past weeks. Congratulate yourself for that. Please take another step and consider going no contact with this man. You DESERVE to be loved and appreciated. He cannot give you this.

Please.

stella27

I came to the conclusion that it didn't matter WHY he was being abusive to me.

Alcoholism? Bipolar? Is he manic? Narcissism? Spoiled only child? Frustrated? Depressed? Under a lot of stress at work? Possibly using drugs? It all ceased to matter when I decided that my children and I were not going to live with it. Period.

"Why" is not your problem here. You can't fix it no matter what it is. The question is why do you want to invite abuse, anger, fear and chaos into your life?

ellie777

I am so glad you are taking positive steps forward with your life and your support network. When I was through a rough break-up and had a hard time tearing away, I would set "re-evaluation" dates to, well, re-evaluate how I felt and if I wanted to contact my ex. I started by setting a date a month out, two months, and soon, didn't need to anymore. I liked this, because it allowed to me not consider/reconsider my decisions everyday. It freed me up to do the things I needed to to heal myself- therapy, time with friends, hobbies, etc. My relationship was no abusive or alcoholic, but I thought I would pass on the advice because it helped me over a rough hump. The other important part is having faith that there is a better life for you than what this person put you through, and you are putting yourself through as a result. You deserve happiness and safety in all of your relationships Good Luck! Keep posting and reading. I've only been at this a couple of days and it is already helping me.