transformyself

My aunt posted a picture on facebook of myself, my sisters and cousins from our childhood. We are all in a wagon, and I have fallen on my little sister. She's is crying horribly and i'm trying to get off her.

My aunt said, "I was asked to post this priceless picture of the 6 cousins,"

I am horrified by it and posted, "what sadistic jerk asked you to post this? It makes me want to cry, seriously, we don't have any happy pictures of our childhood?"

I"m so triggered. That picture represents so much to me. My dad probably asked her to post it, he always took pictures of us crying.

I will not shut my mouth or stand silent anymore. I was abused by my parents and told I was the crazy one my whole life. I'm accustom to fb triggering me with AH, I don't ever go to his page anymore. But now my family too. I would post the picture if I didn't have to do it from the web.

I was triggered about a month ago at my cousins house, too. There was this redneck woman there screaming "F*** YOU" as a joke at everyone and I really thought I was going to punch her in the face before I left. Totally triggered me, that's how my mother behaved. Also, my cousin told her, "you can't ever let Transform pick out the movies," after she said, "WHO THE F*** PICKED THIS MOVIE??"

Seriously. I think I might need to go back to ACOA.

transformyself

Of course, my aunt posted

Oh lighten up, it was a family member

So I said,
Oh that makes sense, it was "family members" who traumatized myself and my sisters throughout our childhood not only with abuse but by minimizing the abuse and then blaming us. Should we discuss that here on facebook? I don't have a problem with that.

So she deleted the photo.

I so hate my family right now.

transformyself

WTF? I'm crying. This has to be a trigger, flashback. I"m going to be smart about it and take some clonopin, all though that stuff is evil too because if I take it twice in two days and then stop, the withdrawl is--you guessed it--anxiety!

Live

LOL

I have been calling my MIL2B out quite alot like that....not on a public site, but in emails and I am sure she distributes them. SO what??
My mantra is "don't pee on my parade!" I don't say that except to myself and STBH...what I say to her is far more to the point and I also call her on her lies.
Soon enough she will find me offensive enough (actually all ready has) to at least stop messing with us directly and what she does behind my back...I could care less.
STBH is proud of me and supportive and backed me up with his own emails.

Stick with the true friends and family (and stick it to the others..did I say that? LOL J/K)

Helenlee

Slow down there TFM.

"what's happening to me?"

You're growing.

"WTF? I'm crying."

Yep. Cause it hurts. A lot.

"I"m going to be smart about it and take some clonopin, all though that stuff is evil too because if I take it twice in two days and then stop, the withdrawl is--you guessed it--anxiety!"

Maybe put the clonopin back in the cupboard. Anesthetics only mask pain, they don't give you any new skills to deal with it. Life & pain (& housework) will all wait while we're out of it. I reckon you're nearly big enough to get through this without getting out of it

You've been angry about a lot of family stuff lately. It jumps off the page how deeply it hurts you & how close to the bone it is. Even though it still stings like hell, I get the impression it's power to hurt you is getting weaker. From what I've read lately, it seems you're almost ready to start dealing with instead of running from this stuff.
So maybe this time ... try to just stand in your power & ALLOW the pain. Just allow it. And keep breathing. Nothing else. No clonopin. You don't have a panic disorder - you're just scared sh!tless because your parents never ... well, they never did lots of things, but I'm no psychiatrist, so I won't go there. So now it's up to you to validate yourself. You KNOW who you are. You don't need your parents or your husband to give you anything anymore. You're gonna be OK.

NewBeginnings1598

I am glad that you stood up for yourself. I am finding out now how hard that is. I think we will always have triggers. One of my triggers at the moment is the sound of a can opening. I have come to associate that sound with my mother drinking and can hear a can open all the way across the house and I start to panic. I do not live at my parents anymore so I thought that would go away. I have been on my own with my husband for three years now so you would think that would have gone away by now.

I think we will always have these triggers and people who are not considerate of our feelings. Dont' let them tear you down! Keep standing up for what you believe in and they will (hopefully) get tired of all the drama and move on.

Live

I am also prescribed Klonopin....and I need it and believe me it is far better than letting a PTSD attack run amok. There is regular anxiety and there is clinical anxiety...clinical is crippling and harmful.

Lilyflower

Triggers will always be triggers so long as the thought process behind them/memories associated with them are not processed.

Are you seeing a professional who you could call?

I agree that the meds are preventing you from processing your grief. You can become dependant on them to get you through a bad patch, that is not the best way to go.

Grief and pain very rarely overpower and overwhelm, a lot of the time after a good hard cry and a wail the energy is released and can flow again giving peace.

Have you tried journalling as an alternative to meds?

Big hugs
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

stella27

Trans, you are doing everything right. You confronted your aunt on the ugliness that she broadcast on FB.

You are triggered from a mean and abusive childhood.

Can you slow down a little and grieve the normal, happy childhood?
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
(I triggered all weekend from visiting the city where H and I lived as newlyweds)
It sucks to recognize your painful past and your inability to see it and call it what it was at the time.

(((hugs))) I agree - you're growing, and it does hurt.

JenT1968

with respect Lilyflower & Helenlee, Transform has an action plan put in place with her physician that she has discussed and agreed with and that they have come to witha whole heap more disclosure and knowledge than we as observers on an internet forum have.

I don't have PTSD, I do have an anxiety disorder, I'm not going to run through it here but it is so far away from being anxious or grieving or painful, that those words are laughable. I know you mean well but advising someone that the safety plan that they have devised with their physician is preventing them from processing their grief is rubbish and frankly could be dangerous.

grief and pain can overwhelm sometimes, there are times when if I let the thoughts take hold THEY DON'T STOP. Clinical anxiety disorders can be like normal anxiety pumped up on PCP.

I hope and believe that there will be a time when ((transform)) can process her feelings in safety, and is not trapped in this hell of triggered anxiety, but we must always keep in mind that we know nothing in reality about a persons state of mind, and will bear none of the fall-out if our well-intentioned advice results in horrible consequences.

GiveLove

Hang in there, transformie. From reading you for a couple of days, there is something happening with you chemically that has you right on the edge, it appears. What could it be, d'you think? Are you getting enough sleep? Going to yoga? Are you superstressed about the money thing? Hormonal, dreading that whole endometriosis nightmare?

Do you have a physical outlet besides yoga? I am not a violent person, but I got through a lot of family anger by taking up exercise that forced me to move my body, fast, aggressively, until I was exhausted. Racquetball came first, then just whacking on a punching bag, then finally trail running. Does that sort of thing work for you?

Do what you must. Your family isn't changing.

Congratulations on slapping their wrist on this, by the way. They sound clueless and stupid, and stupid ought to hurt There's no reason why you shouldn't object to something like that if it hurts you. Some day it won't bug you at all, but for now, I see nothing wrong with speaking up.

From the flip side: There's a great video of me as a kid being pushed out of the way by my brother so he could climb the ladder of the slide. I don't fall or anything, just stand there dumbfounded. He feels so guilty about that video. He mentions it all the time, "Sorry I wasn't nicer to you as a kid." Honestly, if he brings it up one more time I'm going to thump him (nicely).

You are growing. Your growing edges are tender right now. Take good care of yourself.

transformyself

Hi guys
yes, I do recognize you're trying to help, but PTSD ain't just needing to sit through uncomfortable feelings. I do that plenty, on a regular basis. This is a trigger, a medical trigger that needs to be capped off in order to process.

Let me be clear. Unless I stop the physical and emotional symptoms of the trigger, I can't process what I need to. I will shake, maybe vomit, obsess about the event. Think a vietnam vet having flashbacks. Yes, exposure to the things that create triggers over time will desensitize you, but the first course of actoin is to cap it off so you can.

I called my sister, the one crying in the photo, and she totally validated me, told me that picture summed up her life; crying while people laughed at her. She said it's no wonder our family doesn't get it, they're not working on themselves.

I was planning my revenge on my family, the email I was going to send them all before the medicine kicked in...

transformyself

GL
Well now that you mention it
Sleep distrupted about every 3 hours by the puppy or my cat.
No yoga for the last week
Money problems have always been there but I think I underestimate the stress it causes.

I think the main problem is not getting to class, all though the last three times I did go, I feel asleep. Really. As soon as we hit the floor for that first savasana, I crashed out. My teachers would laugh and say you just need it then.

I have lots of anger, again. I forgot that this stuff cycles around and around. Maybe I'm just in "anger" again. I have to be careful because I lived there, without choices, for a long time.

The best thing for me to do is stay sane enough to make good choices. And ripping around in a blind rage is NOT the way to go.

Thanks for all the comments here by the way. I appreciate everyones care and concern. All of your kind words.

stella27

I want to give you and your sister - thank God for her validation - a big hug.
Take care of yourself.

Lilyflower

Well put Jen, it is true. If you read my post, the first thing I said is that triggers don't go away on there own, that the thoughts etc behind them need to be processed. I then asked if she had a professional she could contact.

I did not state that her approach was rubbish.

I know PTSD. I experience triggers myself. I explore CBT as a remedy to my PTSD and try to lesson the severity of my responses by this approach. I no longer depend on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds, and I believe that re-thinking my thought processes have been the driving force behind that.

I do believe that numbing emotions with drugs is not the best approach. Thats my personal opinion. It can be psychologically addictive to numb out. Taking meds in the absence of any other coping technique will not make PTSD go away. But as you rightly say, I don't know what has been agreed with T and her doc. It was never my intention nor aim to influence T to reject her doctors guidance, just to offer my opinion.

Respect
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

wanting

I'm really glad you didn't back down and that your comment made her take the photo down. I'm also glad your sister was able to validate you. My parents weren't alcoholics, and I don't have clinically diagnosed PTSD, but when I feel like my childhood experience is not validated somehow by my parents, I feel like I could go ballistic. There was a lot of "laughing while I cry" stuff that went on, and the rage I can still feel to this day when I feel the feelings of being in that situation is astounding. The affair definitely brought those out in full force.

transformyself

Yep. this is my personal opinion too. Exactly. That's why I don't take the clonopin except in extreame emergencies.

YOu and I are on the same page. I am a nutritional consultant, use homeopathic remedies, herbs and supplements as a first course of action on any issue. Western medicine comes next. A nice balance. Lots of prayer, introspection and hard hard work. I"m actually grateful for it. I think I wrote about some of the way's I've handled triggers in my blog? is there a why I go to yoga section? I can't check now without finishing this post.

With each of these episodes, I learn change and grow. Right now I"m processing this mornings melt down, the issues from the last week or so and what I need to do eliminate this from my life. How to transform it.

forgive, shed, release, surrender, accept, transform.

LaTeeDa

Here's something that helped me a lot with coming to terms with my childhood.

www.joy2meu.com

There's a ton of stuff on that site about inner child healing, etc. One of the primary things that helped me was the idea that my parents were wounded as children, too. They were only repeating what they learned as children. I still don't have much of a relationship with my abusive mother (ironically, my dad was the alcoholic), but I do understand a little about why she is the way she is.

L

transformyself

Thank you! I'm having dual issues with my family and my AH's affairs. I had nightmares about him forever, about him laughing at me while with other women. I konw i was set up to accept that relationship by my parents. Folks who have loving, present parents don't take the kind of abuse that I did.

I swear, I look at him today and think, "thank God I'm not in love with you anymore." Same thing applies to my parents.

transformyself

LTD
I totally get that my parents were wounded, we're all victims of victims. And my father was the A but my mother orchestrated most of the abuse. Sick sick sick folks.