Terryswife

I've been with my alcoholic for 25 yrs. I wouldnt marry him until he got sober and he went to AA and was sober over 7 yrs. Broke as dirt and never happier. He obviously relapsed and has never had more than a year since. Infact tonight he told me in the last 6 yrs he hasnt had more than 4 days sober.

He has lied a zillion times to my face. Funny i can tell when he's drinking but 99% of the time i chose to believe him because its less painful. Tonight he came home from his AA meeting a little late and I thought i smelled a funny smell. Then i could hear his breathing was funny, he looked really tired and i just NEW. I asked him and he said "YOUR WRONG" and that is a phrase he uses only when hes drunk..YOUR WRONG...i hate those 2 words. I knew. Last week when he had convinced me he was 3 months sober i found out he filled my vicodin the dentist gave me a refill i never filled at xmas and his Dr friend called in a bottle of cough syrup and the pharmacist called to tell me his script was ready. Somthing told me to go pick it up...i was sooo angry.

Tonight he drank a quart of vodka and a bottle of gold schlagger. He drank the gold after he had the never to cry and beg me to call and get him help. I was trying to help him but when i realized he got up to guzzle an entire bottle of booze while i was on the phone, pure rage and hatred came out.

I dumped him off at a 30 day facility. I'm soooo angry.

I've wanted and should have left him 16 yrs ago. When i was still young and pretty. Now I'm 45 and not so cute after lots of kids and yo yo dieting. He told me "dont worry about retirement" so i never saved. Why? Because he has a large tract of land he planned on selling when we were 55 so we could retire, is worth more than enough to retire extremely comfortably, so now if I leave him, he gets all the money and I get to work till i'm 80 so i can afford to live in a tiny apartment instead of my house. I've given him my youth, more than half my life and I have nothing but kids to show for it, kids i cant afford to educate without him.

I make ok money and I could afford a nice apartment but i have a lot of bills and he makes way more than I do so its scary, dummy me put most credit cards into MY name. I live in Texas and there is no alimony etc, its all split. So even tho he makes 3 times more than I do I have to take over half.

I do love him. Its the only reason I havent left him before now. Now I'm terrified because i've looked at him many times and wished he would just die before he killed someone.... Just die and leave me alone. My son is only 12 and i'm fearful to leave him alone with that man because i'm afraid he will drive him drunk. He drives drunk all the time and his job requires him to never have a dwi. He will lose his liscence.

I feel so hopeless. I used to be so involved with alanon..even held office several times, however Ive been afraid to come back because i knew i n eeded to leave him and didnt really want to. Now im at my bottom and cant seem to find my smile i lost years ago. It makes me a terrible mother also, im always yelling and angry and crying.

So sorry..im ranting. Rant over.

transformyself

Ugh. I'm 45 too and you should stop berating yourself. Really. You're wise and know what you need to do. Stop being so mean to yourself. AT this age we have wisdom and power you just need to tap into it.

Make up your mind to take care of yourself. That's the first step. do something today to meet that goal. Drink more water. Exercise. Say nice things to yourself. Spend quality time with your son. Know that you will be taken care of, not that doom is ahead of you.

And welcome back.

Live

I am 50 and I am not over the hill, not by a long shot.
I don't look the same, but there's sparkle in my eyes and a ready smile and a more mature authentic personality.

Living in that kind of situation kills the sparkle, the smiles, the ready hugs and keeps us in crisis and ruins our health, physically, mentally, emotionally, spirtually. It stunts our growth.
You don't have to go down with him, when the ship is sinking.

Lilyflower

Welcome!

It seems to me that you feel stuck in large parts because of finances. You can take steps to remedy that somewhat. Why not start closing credit card accounts or else put them in his name.

Open a bank account for you and start putting away whatever extra you can afford to. It sounds like you are pretty much controlling the accounts so this should be relatively easy to do whithout drawing too much attention from your husband?

Small steps lead to big journeys - be easy with yourself, it is never too late to take life back into your hands, for you and your children

Keep reading and posting, we are here to support you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Forever4you

I feel so hopeless. I used to be so involved with alanon..even held office several times, however Ive been afraid to come back because i knew i n eeded to leave him and didnt really want to. Now im at my bottom and cant seem to find my smile i lost years ago. It makes me a terrible mother also, im always yelling and angry and crying.

I'm 45 and WE ARE NOT OLD! LOL. Life has made us tired.

I am wondering about the statement you made above. Why do you feel like you cannot go back to Al Anon whether you choose to leave him or not? In my Al Anon group there are many people who are still married to and living with an active A. You should go back. It will help you start to sort out where you go from here.

Hang in there. Keep coming back and posting.

stella27

Whenever I start feeling so OLD at 39, I remember that according to my mom, my MIL and all her friends that I AM SO YOUNG!!!

Seriously. I hear you on the property issues. Please go see a lawyer. He or she could advise you on the property and I don't think it will be as dire as you think.

In the meantime, start scrounging and saving.

And believe me when I tell you that I would rather work til I'm 80 and live in a hovel that is my own than share my living space with an active AH again.

I have been out for almost 5 months and you can't imagine how happy and easy my days are (even with 3 little kids) compared to what I was living with before.

My suggestions to you:
Enjoy your 30 days.
See a lawyer before day 10
Start making your plans by day 14.

But certainly, today, on days 1, 2, 3, etc., you deserve some peace and time to get your mind quiet. Maybe at the most, you should go to al-anon and just listen.

Be good to yourself.

naive

hi terry's wife-

one day at a time. if your life has become unmanageable, who cares if he sells that plot of land 5 years from now. your life is unmanageable today. deep breath.

not good to stay with someone who you wished sometimes was dead. there is a lot more peace in a one room apartment with no retirement, than in a dead end relationship with a drunk.

i know it's hard to imagine, but there is a life of peace awaiting you.

stick around here. it is a good place to talk about these types of things because we have all lived thru it ourselves.

welcome!
naive

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

I am 45 too and have been with my AH for 24 years. I hear you about all the financial business. I feel the same way but I know realize that this disease is progressive. I am finally coming to the realization that I will be selling my house next year and at this point whatever I can afford at the time, I will buy. I would rather feel joy and peace in a small house than drunken chaos in a bigger one.

Try to take a deep breath and keep coming here. The people here are great and totally understand your situation. The help I am receiving here is priceless. I find it more helpful than AlAnon but that is just me. Do not be afraid to go back to AlAnon, the program does help and they do not judge anyone. People go back all the time. Do whatever helps you get some sanity in this unsane world of alcholism.

Good Luck and keep posting!