My drunk wife annoys me!

Old 01-19-2010, 04:24 AM
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I know I am enabling her. I will check out the Al-Anon site as I will need much help for my situation. When she gets wasted at night she is all clear and wants to talk in the morning. I like the tough love and information you guys are giving it is all good advice which is helping me make some tough decisions. I don't know if I am ready to leave. Part of me wants to but I want my kids to be happy. She is always saying when we move things will change. The keys things I notice when she drinks all desire changes for her like last night she had plans to cook it never happened. Her eyes were glassy last night when I got home at she gave me the I want sex look. I was so turned off I didn't even want to kiss her. You know the "hey honey I am home kiss" I looked around this morning before going to work and she had 3 - 32 oz old english empty in the trash. Very disappointing! When I didn't give her what she wanted she gave me total attitude.
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Old 01-19-2010, 04:28 AM
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She makes me feel guilty when I mention leaving. She says this is what I've wanted all the long I want to leave her because she has gained so much wait. She knows how to throw the guilt trip on me.
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Old 01-19-2010, 04:30 AM
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Things won't change when you move. Except her drinking, denial, guilt tripping and bad behavior will get worse. Just like it has been. Because this is progressive disease.
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Old 01-19-2010, 04:32 AM
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That is a very scary thought! I realize! Why is this so hard?
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Old 01-19-2010, 05:06 AM
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I told her this is not how I saw us living our lives and I didn't want to take care of her as I see her mom takes care of her dad. I hadn't realized until then how miserable that poor woman's life has been. He has made her life a total nightmare the only thing that has slowed him down is throat cancer but I can imagine the strange person she has to deal with when he gets drunk because that person doesn't exist when they get drunk. They are aggressive and violent. I don't want to live like that! We are in a position to where we could really enjoy our lives together but the drinking has altered those plans.
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Old 01-19-2010, 05:15 AM
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Why is this so hard?

I found all this stuff so hard at first too, and I discovered it is because my behavior around alcoholics involves all kinds of complex emotions.

I also found that everything related to improving my life and standing up for peace and serenity in my life, got easier with practice! It all felt painful and weird because I had never done it before. I had never said No to my A brothers. I had never (and it seems insane to me now but hey) realized I could just walk away and shut off my phnes and not answer my doorbell and not bail them out or lend them money or even LISTEN to their quacking! I just had to learn some new skills, practice using them, and then things got smoother and easier, never really "easy" but easier.

AlAnon and therapy helped me see things differently, but I had to make a commitment within myself to STOP doing what I had been doing, and START doing things differently. And keep doing things differently. This brought about good changes in my life!

peace-
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Old 01-19-2010, 05:21 AM
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I feel like I am growing up and she is going the other way showing more immaturity when our kids need guidance, a good vision plan for their lives. I have always been the calm one in the relationship. I have always talked her out of situations keeping her calm when she needed to have a cool head. She would have been incarcerated 10 times over hadn't I done those things. She is more mellow today because of me. I have taught her not everything deserves a direct response to her aggressiveness or actions.
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Old 01-19-2010, 05:26 AM
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I think this may be true but so is the fact that had you not bailed her out of so many messes, she woudl have experienced some consequences for her actions.

How is she more mellow today because of you? She sounds like a loose cannon, and you keep her on a leash to ensure she doesn't kill someone, kill herself, flirt with your kids friends, spend all the money on booze, or light the house on fire. You can't even stand to be intimate with her!

I'm sorry to be so harsh but this is really simple. She is an alcoholic. She will not stop drinking, grow up, mature, suddenly become responsible or get sober until SHE wants to.

But she will: lie about it, blame you and try to throw you off her trail. Rage at you.
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Old 01-19-2010, 07:47 AM
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frank, forever the logical one here but.......I would see an attorney immediately - like this week, today - to find out about the implications of buying a house while your situation is so unstable. You're right - if she continues on this path, she will reap the benefits of this, you won't. I would NOT be acquiring such a major asset right now....it is extremely unwise.

There are other houses out there to buy. They aren't going away. And you can protect yourself if you can find a loophole to get out of this sale. Please talk to your lawyer.
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Old 01-19-2010, 08:01 AM
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Hi there and welcome....

Please do as GiveLove suggests and consult an attorney before you buy the house.

A house is just a physical structure made of bricks and wood.

A home is a loving place that provides warmth and shelter for a family.

Buying a house, doesn't give you, or your children a home.

Peace
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Old 01-19-2010, 08:52 AM
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Originally Posted by ANEWAUGUST View Post
Hi there and welcome....

Please do as GiveLove suggests and consult an attorney before you buy the house.

A house is just a physical structure made of bricks and wood.

A home is a loving place that provides warmth and shelter for a family.

Buying a house, doesn't give you, or your children a home.

Peace
Nice statement! very good point! I just feel like I would be starting over. Realistically they make it so difficult I feel if I didn't do it now I will never have that house. Not in the near future anyways. The economy speaks on the perfect opportunity to purchase a home and I see it as that an opportunity to get ahead. Despite my pay in the near future no simple person will be able to purchase a home. That is off point but I am just trying to help you understand my point of view. Its like now or never. Thanks for the advice I am listening to everyone and taking into account my personal situation.
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Old 01-19-2010, 09:04 AM
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I know that's what it feels like. I have been there too. The "now or never" feeling is very strong, but it's an illusion, really. I've had to let go of houses, and I thought I was giving up my dream. In reality, the next month there were five more that were more appropriate, more affordable, and would be mine, not my alcoholic's.

You might ask yourself if you want to pour your limited resources right now into a home that you will not get to live in very long.

In that scenario, you will not even have the resources to start over. You will have given them all to a sick, unstable, active alcoholic. In my case, the alcoholic then foreclosed and lost the house several months later, and NO ONE had anything.

Just consider it, and do talk to an attorney. Regardless of the choices you think you have or don't have, arm yourself with facts, not emotions.
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Old 01-19-2010, 09:18 AM
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Originally Posted by mfrankl6 View Post
I don't know if I am ready to leave. Part of me wants to but I want my kids to be happy.
Talk to your kids - are they really happy living with their drunk mom who they can't feel comfortable bringing friends home to meet? You are assuming that their lives are better with AM in it. Please check out the neighing "Adult Children of Alcoholics" Forum. A negligent, selfish parent isn't necessarily better than no parent at all.

Originally Posted by mfrankl6 View Post
She is always saying when we move things will change.
This is really common: the alcoholic's magical cure to all your problems. No self-work required - just one magical fix. The false promise tied to high hopes that all it will take is this one thing to make all the problems go away. Ask yourself honestly, will the problems go away if you move?

Originally Posted by mfrankl6 View Post
Her eyes were glassy last night when I got home at she gave me the I want sex look. I was so turned off I didn't even want to kiss her.
Draw a boundary, mfrank. "I will not have sex with you while you are drunk." That's it. Specify the action and specify the consequence. And then leave the toxic guilt at the door. You do not have to feel guilty fo protecting yourself. You do not have to feel guilty for not having sex that you did not consent to have.
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Old 01-19-2010, 09:20 AM
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Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
I know that's what it feels like. I have been there too. The "now or never" feeling is very strong, but it's an illusion, really. I've had to let go of houses, and I thought I was giving up my dream. In reality, the next month there were five more that were more appropriate, more affordable, and would be mine, not my alcoholic's.

You might ask yourself if you want to pour your limited resources right now into a home that you will not get to live in very long.

In that scenario, you will not even have the resources to start over. You will have given them all to a sick, unstable, active alcoholic. In my case, the alcoholic then foreclosed and lost the house several months later, and NO ONE had anything.

Just consider it, and do talk to an attorney. Regardless of the choices you think you have or don't have, arm yourself with facts, not emotions.
I am looking for an attorney. You said it "limited resources" scrapping it up to make it happen. Disappointment continues to settle in but thanks.
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Old 01-19-2010, 09:23 AM
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hi frank...as the former spouse of a functional alcoholic, and as the mother to a young child, I would ask you to consider something. You say that your kids need both parents; I think what you mean is that your children need both parents to be healthy and happy. Right now, your wife isn't fulfilling that role, and you are having to compensate. Your children need a healthy family, even if that healthy family is you and them, together, away from the madness that your wife creates around her. They deserve better than this life.

By remaining with your wife, by tolerating what she does to you and to your children, you are silently telling them that *this* is how families should be. Do you want them to learn this message? What do *you* want for them? What do you want for yourself?

Please consider attending Al-Anon meetings, and perhaps even introducing your children to Al-Ateen.

When you are ready to leave, you will know. Until then, keep posting. We're here for you.
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Old 01-19-2010, 09:24 AM
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Originally Posted by dothi View Post
Talk to your kids - are they really happy living with their drunk mom who they can't feel comfortable bringing friends home to meet? You are assuming that their lives are better with AM in it. Please check out the neighing "Adult Children of Alcoholics" Forum. A negligent, selfish parent isn't necessarily better than no parent at all.



This is really common: the alcoholic's magical cure to all your problems. No self-work required - just one magical fix. The false promise tied to high hopes that all it will take is this one thing to make all the problems go away. Ask yourself honestly, will the problems go away if you move?



Draw a boundary, mfrank. "I will not have sex with you while you are drunk." That's it. Specify the action and specify the consequence. And then leave the toxic guilt at the door. You do not have to feel guilty fo protecting yourself. You do not have to feel guilty for not having sex that you did not consent to have.

I will check the teen forum I get your point. Generally, she passes out crying ! I have made it very clear to her and the counselor nothing will happen if she is drunk. She has gone 2 and 1/2 weeks and we were ok no major issues but I know what she was thinking I was ok I stopped drinking for him. I told her don't do it for me because what happens if I am not here you will be right back in the same position.
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Old 01-19-2010, 09:26 AM
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post
hi frank...as the former spouse of a functional alcoholic, and as the mother to a young child, I would ask you to consider something. You say that your kids need both parents; I think what you mean is that your children need both parents to be healthy and happy. Right now, your wife isn't fulfilling that role, and you are having to compensate. Your children need a healthy family, even if that healthy family is you and them, together, away from the madness that your wife creates around her. They deserve better than this life.

By remaining with your wife, by tolerating what she does to you and to your children, you are silently telling them that *this* is how families should be. Do you want them to learn this message? What do *you* want for them? What do you want for yourself?

Please consider attending Al-Anon meetings, and perhaps even introducing your children to Al-Ateen.

When you are ready to leave, you will know. Until then, keep posting. We're here for you.
You guys will see more of me. The messages are really hitting home right now. I think about how her role has affected my life and how much better we would all be if she wasn't sick.
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Old 01-20-2010, 05:30 AM
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My wife is going to see the psychiatrist recommended by our marriage counselor today!
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Old 01-20-2010, 06:45 AM
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Excellent, frank. Small steps, right? Hang in there.
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Old 01-21-2010, 04:13 AM
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The psychiatrist prescribed her 20mg of Lexapro and Abilify but I am not sure of the mg. She called her case as Bipolarism. I looked up Abilify thats intense.
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