Looking for voices of reason
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Northwest
Posts: 23
Looking for voices of reason
I'm a bit jumbled. It's been forever since I posted but I've lurked over the years. So I thought I would post this here for some real feedback.
My AH, an advanced alcoholic before he even hit 40, just relapsed after almost 19 months. And it was a doozy.
He's been in a 50+ day treatment centre twice in a year (didn't take the first time) where during withdrawal he had seizures the first time and a mild heart attack the second (hence, the 'advanced' thing). When he relapsed after the first bout in treatment, it was a scary night where he ended up downtown east side scaryville and did crack for the first time. He did end up making it home somehow the next day, and continued to drink and black out for the next six months before checking himself into the same treatment centre again.
He came home from the second treatment, threw himself into AA and group therapy and despite the occasional mood swings, we were getting along pretty good. I was working my program, he his. Then December rolled around and I noticed that his meeting attendance was slipping a little. Then at Christmas, he didn't go at all because we were busy visiting and such (though there was still time to go). Then he stopped returning phone calls. Stopped doing his volunteer work at a halfway house.
So yeah, kinda saw it coming but knew I couldn't do anything about it. I would ask if he had gone to any meetings when he started getting wiggy and he'd say yes, but I knew he was lying. But I let it go and put him in God's hands and carried on with life, praying that he would find a way to get back to his program.
Friday, there was a crisis with our cat and he drank for the first time in nearly 19 months, then took off (on foot - I kept the car key). I could sort of see what he was up to based on the bank account and credit cards (which I checked the following morning just to make sure he wasn't taking a hoard of money out) and he was downtown again. Not good. I changed the deadbolts on the house just in case and had my mom spend the night for some company and moral support.
Sunday night, after no word whatsoever, he came home and was a mess. Had no money left - both credit cards had been frozen because of the odd transactions (which is good 'cause they were now stolen) and he said his bank card didn't work (which it totally should have so in my eyes, that's a miracle). He had taken out thousands on the credit card I didn't have online access to and smoked crack for 3 days, ate nothing, didn't sleep. I instantly called his sister to come over and assist me, because I didn't want him staying there and I again, needed the moral support (note that in the past, I kept a lot of this stuff to myself and carried it all - I can't do that anymore). He was remorseful, horrified and sickly looking. Apologetic. Semi-suicidal. But coherent. Still, I knew he'd still be feeling the effects, plus he hadn't taken his anti-depressants in two days so lord knows what that did to his psyche.
He tried to get into a detox that night but none were open. His sister took him to her place even though he wanted to stay here. She was awesome - explained exactly what I was thinking - I didn't know what was going to happen, didn't want something to happen in the night and frighten our 5 year old daughter and that we needed to be taken care of too. Besides, his sister lives in a mansion and we're in a tiny house - there's no escaping each other here.
She got him into a detox clinic this morning. Now I have a few days of peace before he gets out and I really don't want him coming back here. I need some space. I had mild anxiety attacks all weekend, wondering if he was dead. I did manage to carry on but I let myself cry when I needed to cry and grabbed some hugs as they were available and played with my daughter. This wasn't just a slip, it was a full-blown scary relapse that he was blessed to get away from. I mean, he almost did HEROIN but the junky administering it to him said he couldn't do that to him (even though he was apparently begging for it). A junkie possibly saved his life. So his HP was definitely at work, battling the demon within.
I don't want fear to guide me but I don't think it's fear I'm feeling. It's more anxiety. It's wondering if I really want to play this game anymore, with the possibility of this happening again. It's about wanting time to figure things out for myself, and let him get himself together. It's going to be a tough haul for him and I don't want to be involved. I've done my time, learned a lot about addiction and codependency, found serenity in amongst the chaos, prayed a lot, took comfort in the people who love me, and supported him without enabling him. Learned to trust myself again and assert myself and not allow myself to get manipulated by him. I am a better person for his addiction but that doesn't mean it's been easy by any means. It's still a struggle sometimes. And right now, I just want to chill out for a bit and regroup.
There's no reason his family can't take him in for a while, esp. his sister who he's reconnected with and who's going through some of her own trials right now (not addiction related). But it feels weird saying that I don't want him, so you take him!
But when I think of keeping him out of the house, away from constant access to a daughter that ADORES him and just wants him back home (she knows he's sick - I did explain things to her, as best you can explain to a kindergartner), I feel guilt - he's SO sick, he had been doing so well, how can I give up on him now when relapse is part of recovery? When he was working his program (up until recently), and will probably be throwing himself into it again? He knows what he has to do. And I do love him, so there's that.
I googled ('cause I'm not the only one asking this question) and so many people said - he's sick, you stay, you support as you can, he's trying, etc. but ARGH. I just want space. And if he comes back here, I get no space. Sure, he's been helpful with our daughter and household chores and stuff, but I want to make sure he's on the road to recovery and not in full relapse mode again, ya know? And it's not like it's forever - a few weeks, a few months - I'm not putting a timeline to it. Just one day at a time until I'm comfortable again.
So why do I feel bad about taking time for myself? Why can't I be selfish for once without feeling the guilt of it? I'm going to let the family know that I'm not ready to have him come back and hope that they can help work out a solution for him (i.e., let him stay with them). But it's so weird that it feels wrong. I check my motives - I'm not doing it to punish him, or to make a point, or to force him into recovery, I'm not reacting - I just want some space. And I want to stay in our home so that life is as normal for our daughter as possible. But how do I explain it to her, who just wants her daddy back home?
Addiction sucks. It sucks and I'll get through this, it will pass and no matter what, I know I'll be okay. It sometimes just takes a little longer to work through things in my head than I'd like!
My AH, an advanced alcoholic before he even hit 40, just relapsed after almost 19 months. And it was a doozy.
He's been in a 50+ day treatment centre twice in a year (didn't take the first time) where during withdrawal he had seizures the first time and a mild heart attack the second (hence, the 'advanced' thing). When he relapsed after the first bout in treatment, it was a scary night where he ended up downtown east side scaryville and did crack for the first time. He did end up making it home somehow the next day, and continued to drink and black out for the next six months before checking himself into the same treatment centre again.
He came home from the second treatment, threw himself into AA and group therapy and despite the occasional mood swings, we were getting along pretty good. I was working my program, he his. Then December rolled around and I noticed that his meeting attendance was slipping a little. Then at Christmas, he didn't go at all because we were busy visiting and such (though there was still time to go). Then he stopped returning phone calls. Stopped doing his volunteer work at a halfway house.
So yeah, kinda saw it coming but knew I couldn't do anything about it. I would ask if he had gone to any meetings when he started getting wiggy and he'd say yes, but I knew he was lying. But I let it go and put him in God's hands and carried on with life, praying that he would find a way to get back to his program.
Friday, there was a crisis with our cat and he drank for the first time in nearly 19 months, then took off (on foot - I kept the car key). I could sort of see what he was up to based on the bank account and credit cards (which I checked the following morning just to make sure he wasn't taking a hoard of money out) and he was downtown again. Not good. I changed the deadbolts on the house just in case and had my mom spend the night for some company and moral support.
Sunday night, after no word whatsoever, he came home and was a mess. Had no money left - both credit cards had been frozen because of the odd transactions (which is good 'cause they were now stolen) and he said his bank card didn't work (which it totally should have so in my eyes, that's a miracle). He had taken out thousands on the credit card I didn't have online access to and smoked crack for 3 days, ate nothing, didn't sleep. I instantly called his sister to come over and assist me, because I didn't want him staying there and I again, needed the moral support (note that in the past, I kept a lot of this stuff to myself and carried it all - I can't do that anymore). He was remorseful, horrified and sickly looking. Apologetic. Semi-suicidal. But coherent. Still, I knew he'd still be feeling the effects, plus he hadn't taken his anti-depressants in two days so lord knows what that did to his psyche.
He tried to get into a detox that night but none were open. His sister took him to her place even though he wanted to stay here. She was awesome - explained exactly what I was thinking - I didn't know what was going to happen, didn't want something to happen in the night and frighten our 5 year old daughter and that we needed to be taken care of too. Besides, his sister lives in a mansion and we're in a tiny house - there's no escaping each other here.
She got him into a detox clinic this morning. Now I have a few days of peace before he gets out and I really don't want him coming back here. I need some space. I had mild anxiety attacks all weekend, wondering if he was dead. I did manage to carry on but I let myself cry when I needed to cry and grabbed some hugs as they were available and played with my daughter. This wasn't just a slip, it was a full-blown scary relapse that he was blessed to get away from. I mean, he almost did HEROIN but the junky administering it to him said he couldn't do that to him (even though he was apparently begging for it). A junkie possibly saved his life. So his HP was definitely at work, battling the demon within.
I don't want fear to guide me but I don't think it's fear I'm feeling. It's more anxiety. It's wondering if I really want to play this game anymore, with the possibility of this happening again. It's about wanting time to figure things out for myself, and let him get himself together. It's going to be a tough haul for him and I don't want to be involved. I've done my time, learned a lot about addiction and codependency, found serenity in amongst the chaos, prayed a lot, took comfort in the people who love me, and supported him without enabling him. Learned to trust myself again and assert myself and not allow myself to get manipulated by him. I am a better person for his addiction but that doesn't mean it's been easy by any means. It's still a struggle sometimes. And right now, I just want to chill out for a bit and regroup.
There's no reason his family can't take him in for a while, esp. his sister who he's reconnected with and who's going through some of her own trials right now (not addiction related). But it feels weird saying that I don't want him, so you take him!
But when I think of keeping him out of the house, away from constant access to a daughter that ADORES him and just wants him back home (she knows he's sick - I did explain things to her, as best you can explain to a kindergartner), I feel guilt - he's SO sick, he had been doing so well, how can I give up on him now when relapse is part of recovery? When he was working his program (up until recently), and will probably be throwing himself into it again? He knows what he has to do. And I do love him, so there's that.
I googled ('cause I'm not the only one asking this question) and so many people said - he's sick, you stay, you support as you can, he's trying, etc. but ARGH. I just want space. And if he comes back here, I get no space. Sure, he's been helpful with our daughter and household chores and stuff, but I want to make sure he's on the road to recovery and not in full relapse mode again, ya know? And it's not like it's forever - a few weeks, a few months - I'm not putting a timeline to it. Just one day at a time until I'm comfortable again.
So why do I feel bad about taking time for myself? Why can't I be selfish for once without feeling the guilt of it? I'm going to let the family know that I'm not ready to have him come back and hope that they can help work out a solution for him (i.e., let him stay with them). But it's so weird that it feels wrong. I check my motives - I'm not doing it to punish him, or to make a point, or to force him into recovery, I'm not reacting - I just want some space. And I want to stay in our home so that life is as normal for our daughter as possible. But how do I explain it to her, who just wants her daddy back home?
Addiction sucks. It sucks and I'll get through this, it will pass and no matter what, I know I'll be okay. It sometimes just takes a little longer to work through things in my head than I'd like!
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
wow.
uh, hi.
and welcome back.
Quite a weekend, huh?
Well, as an alcoholic, I know that actions speak louder than words.
I'm only just learning about setting boundaries,
so I'm a bit fuzzy on the WHOLE thing,
but bottom line - if you don't want him there -
you need to tell him that.
And be clear as to why.
He can still have 'access' to his daughter
but you, as the SOBER parent
are protecting her by establishing
the state he is in when he does have that contact.
You'll probably have to enforce that as well.
I mean, drug-sick and detoxing
is no kind of quality parenting.
But if this sister can put him up
I'd go for that?
Have you talked to your own sponsor?
uh, hi.
and welcome back.
Quite a weekend, huh?
Well, as an alcoholic, I know that actions speak louder than words.
I'm only just learning about setting boundaries,
so I'm a bit fuzzy on the WHOLE thing,
but bottom line - if you don't want him there -
you need to tell him that.
And be clear as to why.
He can still have 'access' to his daughter
but you, as the SOBER parent
are protecting her by establishing
the state he is in when he does have that contact.
You'll probably have to enforce that as well.
I mean, drug-sick and detoxing
is no kind of quality parenting.
But if this sister can put him up
I'd go for that?
Have you talked to your own sponsor?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: uk
Posts: 124
As an RA, relapse is NOT part of recovery. It is a choice; no-one forces us to pick up the first drink or drug. Abstinence is recovery, don't make excuses or he will think that it is ok to relapse periodically. Recovery takes work, a lifetime of work, and although it is a daily reprieve we have to keep doing the right things to stay clean. Stopping meetings is ALWAYS the first sign. Hugs and prayers to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 197
WOW is right Barb ... W.O.W!
Rock, this post really got to me & I went back & read all your posts ...
I really feel for you. You must be so very tired. Just reading this saga is exhausting - I have no idea how you're living it.
Please take the time to go back & read your old posts. They start back in 2007 with you saying you're at the end & want the insanity to stop. How much longer can you do this honey?
Your husband is certainly NOT "on the road to recovery"! He sounds like he's in incredible emotional & psychological pain & in real danger of dying of this disease if he doesn't get PROFESSIONAL help soon. Please - get out of the way so the people who are qualified to deal with this have some elbow room! I say this with all compassion - I know from personal experience how terribly hard it is to do.
Are you seeing an individual therapist?
Please keep posting here. You're clearly a very capable, kind & intelligent woman. You can make a better life for yourself & your daughter - much better than the one YOU'RE MAKING now. With a bit more support & encouragement you can walk away from this chaos, one step at a time.
Have you read much at the Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents forum? You might find some useful clues as to why you've been stuck in this cycle for so long - & get a glimpse of your daughters future life if you don't break the chain.
Take care & keep posting please Rockette
Rock, this post really got to me & I went back & read all your posts ...
I really feel for you. You must be so very tired. Just reading this saga is exhausting - I have no idea how you're living it.
Please take the time to go back & read your old posts. They start back in 2007 with you saying you're at the end & want the insanity to stop. How much longer can you do this honey?
Your husband is certainly NOT "on the road to recovery"! He sounds like he's in incredible emotional & psychological pain & in real danger of dying of this disease if he doesn't get PROFESSIONAL help soon. Please - get out of the way so the people who are qualified to deal with this have some elbow room! I say this with all compassion - I know from personal experience how terribly hard it is to do.
Are you seeing an individual therapist?
Please keep posting here. You're clearly a very capable, kind & intelligent woman. You can make a better life for yourself & your daughter - much better than the one YOU'RE MAKING now. With a bit more support & encouragement you can walk away from this chaos, one step at a time.
Have you read much at the Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents forum? You might find some useful clues as to why you've been stuck in this cycle for so long - & get a glimpse of your daughters future life if you don't break the chain.
Take care & keep posting please Rockette
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Barb, Megan, Helenlee - what more is there to say on top of your posts? You all hit the nail on the head and I agree with your comments/thoughts 100%
Rock - go with your gut, take time for you and your daughter who deserves a stable family home
Lots of love
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Rock - go with your gut, take time for you and your daughter who deserves a stable family home
Lots of love
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
So why do I feel bad about taking time for myself? Why can't I be selfish for once without feeling the guilt of it?
For me that was because I was doing new things I had never done before. I had to sit with the discomfort a while, not let it stop me, keep exercising the new "me first" muscles and sticking to my plans. I also thought time for myself was selfish, until I realized it is the other way around, if I do not take care of me then who will? And if I do not take care of me then how can I give my best to my children? I discovered it is about balance. No, I will not be a selfish monster taking all the cake for me only! But neither will I accept crumbs!
I'm going to let the family know that I'm not ready to have him come back and hope that they can help work out a solution for him
Hope is not a plan.
You have every right to just say No. No you cannot come to live here. No I will not be taking care of you as I have in the past. No I do not want this insanity infecting my life and DD's life any more.
But it feels weird saying that I don't want him, so you take him!
Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don;t say it mean. You can ask around and if something viable pops up you can present it to him, but you have to decide for yourself that this is not up for debate.
He is a grown man, facing grown man consequences for his addiction. He's going to have to ask for and accept help for himself. Has nothing to do with you. Believe it!
stay strong!
peace-
b
For me that was because I was doing new things I had never done before. I had to sit with the discomfort a while, not let it stop me, keep exercising the new "me first" muscles and sticking to my plans. I also thought time for myself was selfish, until I realized it is the other way around, if I do not take care of me then who will? And if I do not take care of me then how can I give my best to my children? I discovered it is about balance. No, I will not be a selfish monster taking all the cake for me only! But neither will I accept crumbs!
I'm going to let the family know that I'm not ready to have him come back and hope that they can help work out a solution for him
Hope is not a plan.
You have every right to just say No. No you cannot come to live here. No I will not be taking care of you as I have in the past. No I do not want this insanity infecting my life and DD's life any more.
But it feels weird saying that I don't want him, so you take him!
Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don;t say it mean. You can ask around and if something viable pops up you can present it to him, but you have to decide for yourself that this is not up for debate.
He is a grown man, facing grown man consequences for his addiction. He's going to have to ask for and accept help for himself. Has nothing to do with you. Believe it!
stay strong!
peace-
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Northwest
Posts: 23
And there they are - the voices of reason!
I know in my gut that taking some time is the right thing to do FOR ME, and if he's working a program as he should be, he will be humble and not make things difficult. If he makes things difficult, well, that tells me where he is in this new bout of recovery.
The thing that tugs at me as he had 19 months. 19 months! That's like the longest EVER. He must have been doing something right and working hard for that, considering his past. And things were going well. And even though the addiction issues were still part of life (meetings and therapy), we were happy. Well, he was happy as he could be, being an addict and all. But he was a great, attentive husband and father for that time. I felt what 'normal' was like for the first time in our marriage.
So he gets 19 months, he screws up, he gets back into his program and we just carry on as normal? I don't think I can do that. I need some time. And that's all it comes down to. I'm not doing it out of spite or to punish him, I'm doing it for me, therefore the guilt can get the hell out of here, thankyouverymuch.
I just have to shut up that voice in my head that feels sorrier for him than me!!
Thank you all. Looking over those old posts... shudder. We've come a long way, but it's a lifelong process if I choose to stick with it. And I can't make that choice right now. So again, I need some time. Simple as that. Funny how our brains love to complicate things!
I know in my gut that taking some time is the right thing to do FOR ME, and if he's working a program as he should be, he will be humble and not make things difficult. If he makes things difficult, well, that tells me where he is in this new bout of recovery.
The thing that tugs at me as he had 19 months. 19 months! That's like the longest EVER. He must have been doing something right and working hard for that, considering his past. And things were going well. And even though the addiction issues were still part of life (meetings and therapy), we were happy. Well, he was happy as he could be, being an addict and all. But he was a great, attentive husband and father for that time. I felt what 'normal' was like for the first time in our marriage.
So he gets 19 months, he screws up, he gets back into his program and we just carry on as normal? I don't think I can do that. I need some time. And that's all it comes down to. I'm not doing it out of spite or to punish him, I'm doing it for me, therefore the guilt can get the hell out of here, thankyouverymuch.
I just have to shut up that voice in my head that feels sorrier for him than me!!
Thank you all. Looking over those old posts... shudder. We've come a long way, but it's a lifelong process if I choose to stick with it. And I can't make that choice right now. So again, I need some time. Simple as that. Funny how our brains love to complicate things!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
She got him into a detox clinic this morning. Now I have a few days of peace before he gets out and I really don't want him coming back here.
I'm not doing it out of spite or to punish him, I'm doing it for me, therefore the guilt can get the hell out of here, thankyouverymuch.
I just have to shut up that voice in my head that feels sorrier for him than me!!
I just have to shut up that voice in my head that feels sorrier for him than me!!
You are a very strong woman, and a good mom, and don't forget it.
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