ReadyToHelp

Hi Everyone -

I'm back. I think of you often and wonder how everyone is doing, and I wanted to give you all an update. I hated not being on the board daily, but I didn't want to post about "him" and relive what I had move out of my apartment.

Let's see...

The Xabf moved out on June 1, 2009. In July he lost both jobs. Good thing I moved on getting him out of my place when I did. By the end of the month, he flew out of town, to return to his parents' home. We'd spoken the day before he left for 2 hrs, then when he was at the airport for about an hour. He text'd me when he got off the plane and I text'd back - my famous last words: "Maybe my purpose in your life is for you to be where you are right now. I know you can beat this."

I have not responded to any of his communication since.

I realized early on that I was in love with the IMAGE I'd created in my head. So, I let the feelings of hurt, pain, sorrow and longing come and I felt them. And cried. I also had serious talks with myself - "Ready, who do you really miss? What do you miss? Let's make a list." My list couldn't include long walks holding hands, or quiet romantic nights together, or the way he listens to me, or the way he makes me feel safe. It couldn't include how he's sincere, or thoughtful, or I can share my deepest fears with him. And we can't even think about the future! So, who did I miss exactly? The tears stopped dropping when I let the truth surface and looked it in the eye. This man was not for me and I did not want a man like him.

(Who said that?! Oh, that was ME!)

One thing that bothered me was: What if something happened to him??

Well, as an enabler and a codie, I guess I felt responsible for his wellbeing. After all, it's not HIS responsibility, is it? And if he did take responsibility for his wellbeing, then what would my function be in his life??

Then there were the thoughts of what it all meant, why God put me through this, if I'll ever love again.

But as long as I kept THE TRUTH in front of me - I was okay.

Since July, I started having panic attacks all over town. Just a powerful dizziness that would make me not want to walk down the street. What's that all about? This guy really has a hold on me, and it's not even HIM, the person. LOL. I'm working on relieving myself of them - controlling my newly diagnosed asthma is helping, along with changing my belief system - I am important without him.

Reading books on the topic does help a lot. I used a highlighter to track certain concepts that made a lot of sense, and that would answer questions like, "but, what if I gave him one more chance??" That way I'd have an answer for myself. I read a book that said he's just no good for me...and it talked about destructive relationships and how the self-destructive one operates. OMG, I was in that endless cycle of trying to convince him that I was a good person, jumping each time he made a false accusation.

I am slowly forgiving myself for being the generous, loving, caring, patient, supportive person I was. Ironically, I could have never been any other way with him, since I loved him, adored him and thought this was the way to help him heal. I was also controlling. I supervised our relationship because, deep down inside, I knew I wouldn't love him if I let him be free to do what damage he was able to do without my warnings. I knew he'd come home late, would call his ex every day while I paid his cell, would spend all his money, would sleep all day, work 2 days a week, and would just bring nothing to my life. I knew I'd fall out of love with him, and I didn't want to take a chance! Well, by "protecting" my feelings, I prolonged the inevitable, and that is one amazing lesson I've learned from this.

Let the truth be, see it for what it is, and then respond accordingly.

Since he's gone, he has written a "thank you" letter. It was a letter listing some of the things I'd done for him, but each paragraph had a "but" or "although" pretty much cancelling out the gratitude. Funny.

Text messages came every week, but finally ceased.

Email once in a while.

Last week I got a 7-page email message that criticized me as a person. Each paragraph covered some character flaw as he saw it. I was upset that after all I'd done, I get this letter that bashed me as a person and a partner. Even attacked me as a 21-year old, when we first met. (Was I really "very possessive, very controlling, very demanding, very suspicious, immature and insecure" back then?? WTF?) I felt very angry and protective over the gal I was, so innocently in love with a boy who was never really around. And then he tells me I'm not fit for a relationship. ME??? Each paragraph had its own variation of some stinging meanness that has some truth but no merit with his twist added. Even my BFF, who has a strict NO CONTACT with him rule for me, demanded that I respond. I'd realized - he was so calculated in writing that he wanted me to feel compelled to respond! He even got her to that point. Genius.

The best for me was to not respond, as I am immune to his comments and craftiness. My response could have been short and sharp, or long and gripping. While he refuses to go to AA, he would ignore my valid points as he always has done, and will attack the accusations. Frig him. I chose to be immune to his snide remarks. The temptation to remind him of wiping his dirty behind was so strong, but it would just be humiliating him, as he loved to say.

How about - "uh, yeah, right, whatever dude."

That's a stronger message than a 20-page letter that narrates the entire truth, with attached dvd of his drunken stupor!

Ok, I've written a long message and I hope my story will help someone here. It is important that we learn from each other's calamities. (That's from Abe Lincoln.) We must trust that books that tell us how we operate, and what to do really work - they know how we're wired. We are enablers and can't see when we're enabling - so we need that nudge from people who have been there, and who know how to recognize the signs.

I am not out of the woods yet, but I am right at the beginning of a different forest. Thank God, thank those of you here who have helped me through this, thanks to my friends and thanks to books that I was lucky enough to find that let me know what the truth about this weird world really is. If my Xabf walked up to me tomorrow, I know with every bit of my existence, that he'd have not a chance to get back into my life. Furthermore, I'd have no problem telling him that he's done enough in my life, and I have no interest in being a part of his. And I could walk away and not look back.


Take care everyone!

Ready!

tchappy

Hi...I could not push the Thank you button a million times so just had to tell you THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!

BuffaloGal

Thanks, I'm going to use your quotes about letting the truth be, and about the woods and the forest!

Awesome!

BG

barb dwyer

That was also for me,
the singlemost important realization
tha changed ... everything.

CONGRATULATIONS!

ReadyToHelp

Hi BG,

I'm glad you like those quotes! Keep them in your mind and pull them out as needed!

Someone wrote last year, when I was trying to figure out how to get my ex to move out:


I kept that in the back of my mind whenever he'd say something rude or mean. I was able to keep my composure because I did whatever it took. And that was to stay calm and say and do whatever it took to let him think he was making the decision to move out. It worked!

Good LUCK!!

~READY!

ReadyToHelp

Barb, I agree - it does change everything in astronomical amounts.
It's like - it's a one-sided relationship, and this guy was there as a stunt man.

NoelleR

Hey Ready ---

GOODONYA for your no-contact!!!!

One thing did come to my mind as I read your post---the 7-page e-mail you received from him.....grrrrr

I was reminded of my own recovery. Let's see; he's been clean/sober/whatever since last July.....? ...and he's sent you an e-mail marking off all the things 'wrong' about you as a person....? ...sounds about right. I'm betting, even if he's not in a specific recovery program, he's probably doing some (if not a lot of) introspection, and he's probably not liking what's he's seeing, so he's projecting a lot of his stuff off on to you---after all, you are available (by e-mail, anyway), and you can't 'kick him out' like his parents might if he projected on them..........

Well, this is just from my experience, and thought you might like a little 'off-the-wall' idea about the e-mail; I'm sure it was hard reading.

Again, GOODONYA on your recovery......!!!!!


NoelleR

ReadyToHelp

NoelleR,

Good insight! I didn't think of that. His brother had mentioned that in the past, and as I read the message I saw a lot of him in it. LOL. It took him months to put together, I know. I'd seen his bullet points one day when I was checking his stuff for drugs and alcohol. (At least he didn't throw in the bullet point he'd had in his notes about me dying alone!)

No, he's not in a program, I've spoken to his sponsor, who is so impressed and excited about how much I've grown since 1.5 years ago.

Good point about the parents - they would probably kick him out if he started arguing and criticizing them!

And it was hard to read. I picked it apart though, and in the end, most of it was twisted. BTW, it wasn't his drinking that made the relationship fail. And after all that Me-bashing, his heart is still here with me, and he's willing to give it another shot. (That was on the 7th page.)

Yeah, I want more of this, please: LOL.

Thank you for your post!!!!!! Takes even more weight from his message. Whew.

~R.

barb dwyer

Ready -

I wasn't satisfied trying to make ONE man this 'imaginary man'
I repeated the dang thing FOUR TIMES.

I tell people I married the same idea... in four different skins.

readyforhelp

Ready, GOOD FRIGIN' JOB, GIRL!

Just before I logged on tonight, I wondered about you and how you were doing and to my delight, here you are!

I'm glad you're moving through stuff, you sound strong. Keep it up and don't ever lose sight of THE TRUTH!

Thanks for posting, my friend.

miyah

I am so inspired by this. Thank You!!

ReadyToHelp

Barb, too funny! Well, you had the time to have 4 of them. I spent 18 years building this one up into an amazing image. He was quite the Adonis. Needless to say there was a lot of work to be done when the real guy showed up! LOL.

I love the 4 different skins comment.


Ready, wow, thank you for thinking of me! It's great being back. It's so hard to leave here! I've been wanting to post but I wanted to be in a place where I could say - I'm strong enough to not respond to him. And I am.
Yeah, I've learned my lesson. The TRUTH comes first. I don't want to have to relearn that lesson again!!

~R.

ReadyToHelp

Thank you, Miyah! We get strength from each other here.