nodaybut2day

Generally, I do not email or text XAH. I try to keep contact to a minimum. I have come to expect his ups and downs, usually aimed at me, so I am trying to build up my hard protective shell. This has served me well lately. During visitation, I hang around solely for DD's sake, to get her comfortable in XAH's presence/environment. I nurse her, play with her, chat casually with XAH/DSS, then XAH takes over with DD and I slip away.

I have kept the peace or have tried to since I left. Maybe I shouldn't but hey, I'm working on it...

Our 3rd mediation session is next week. I want to hammer out custody, visitation, child support and partition of family patrimony, ASAP because then we can move towards getting a divorce decree rendered. The soonest that can happen is October 31, 2010. After the appeals period has passed, it can be finalized in early February 2011. So, it's a long ways off, but I'd like to get the ball rolling. I'm itching to be divorced from this man.

So today, instead of waiting for XAH to come to me, complaining, I took the bull by the horns and emailed him. My heart is still racing from this. I asked him to hammer down the weekdays and week-end days where he sees DD, so we can set down a regular schedule.

XAH responds as usual by saying that he "couldn't know for sure" (i.e. he wants to keep things open for when he gets to go out with his friends). He then writes to ask me to draft a visitation agreement for next Thursday. Same old demand, just worded nicer:
"I would like you to draw up a proposal (for next Thursday) that outlines a timeline for our ustody agreement. IE: how and when my time with Alia is going to increase (ending with us having joint custody). Will you do this for Thursday?"

Notice how *I* do all the work and he gets to criticize? Wow, that's our entire marriage right there!

I proceeded to respond, but it was rather lengthy. I have to admit straight off the bat that I *didn't* tell him I want primary residential custody. I'm still a coward on that front. Perhaps I can cough it up in mediation. I basically told him I'd already drafted something, about 5 pages long, based on DD's reactions to visitation. I further stated that I hoped we were on the same page, and that if he wanted to get together for coffee sometime this week, to CALMLY discuss the proposal, I would be open to that. I finally mentioned that I would very much like to finalize an agreement between us so that we can be divorced asap.

Oh, and I slipped in very obviously that I have a lawyer. I'm in a petty mood today apparently.

So here I am, mildly freaking out inside, wondering if I did the right thing. I am wondering if I should have written to him at all, or if my email was too lengthy. I am second-guessing myself to the nth degree here, because I'm having to rework all my interactions with this man, since they will be necessary for us to raise our daughter.

Any words of wisdom for me today? I'm still nauseated...

coffeedrinker

The only thing that jumped into my head, was that usually my attempts at good, thorough communication falls on deaf ears anyway.

I don't see anything wrong in what you have done.

The good thing about emails is that you have a trail of what you have said to him.
I think that's a good thing.

Keep going

nodaybut2day

Ugh, you are right coffeedrinker...I've unleashed an email monster. He already responds:

Yes, for now, but I am very unhappy with how much time I have been getting with her. If you want me to continue to cooperate with this then I need to see a timeline and I need to know that you are still pro-joint custody

And then:
As far as I'm concerned this has already dragged on to long and we need to have a custody agreement in place (one that guarantees me joint custody).

I can already feel myself being pulled back into the dance with him. CRAP. I need to deal with the custody issue. I HAVE to. Why does he make this all about what's due to him?!

God grant me patience to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Lather. Rinse. Repeat ad nauseum.

BuffaloGal

Gosh, he states that you both need a custody agreement that protects what he wants.

The mental gymnastics never fail to horrify me.

Hugs. Things will not stay the same.

LaTeeDa

All his communications to you sound like veiled threats to me. "If you want me to cooperate.......blah, blah, blah." So, don't cooperate. pffffffft.

He wants one thing, you want another. Typical divorce. Write it up the way you want it and take it to the mediator. The mediator's job is to try and come up with a compromise. No compromise, the judge decides.

Trying to work something out with him between the two of you without the mediator sounds futile to me. So put down on paper what you want and toss the ball into his court, through the mediator. Make your case the best you can, then let him make his. It's all you can do, so do it the best you can. If it ends up in front of a judge, you will know you have done everything in your power.

L

nodaybut2day

Wow is it cold/hot/cold in here, or am I actually shaking in my boots and sweating like a pig? Yep, I'm a coward. I keep having to wipe my palms and take deep breaths.

I really need to get better at dealing with communication with this person.

suki44883

LTD is right. Write down what YOU want and if he doesn't do the same thing, tough titties. Keep fighting for what you want and if the mediator can't find a compromise, the judge WILL decide. It sounds like you are trying to do the mediator's job.

nodaybut2day

I am trying to do this because I have been told that if we take this to court, any judge in this province WILL grant XAH more visitation culminating in joint custody. I have done my research and I have examined my child, and I have decided that joint custody is a ridiculous and detrimental arrangement for her. So I'm trying to placate him because we may be able to work out something that's closer to me having custody in mediation.

LaTeeDa

Document this. Make your case. Placating him is obviously getting you nothing but anxiety. He knows what you fear and he is using it against you. Take your power back. Focus your energy on getting what you want through the court. As long as you allow your fears to control you, he has power over you. And he knows it.

L

Chrysalis123

A negotiation strategy is to ask for way more than you want and then concede the extra part you did not want anyway. He'll feel like he won and you will maybe get closer to what you want. Run that idea by your lawyer.

nodaybut2day

Ok, you were all right. I had this LONG rambling response written out to XAH, trying to set the record straight. I sent it to my mother instead of XAH. She responded roughly with "I know you want to let him have it, but maybe giving away your hand right now isn't a good idea. Save it for mediation so there's a witness to his freak out."

*sigh*

Ok mom. Ok SR family. You were right. No being vengeful for this angry half-asian chickie. Save it for later girly-girl.

I just sent XAH a short response saying I'd have the agreement finalized by the 28th and that I'd see him this Wednesday night for our regular visit.

That's the end of it, right? Nope.

He sends:
So what does that mean? Have you changed your mind regarding joint custody?

And then, when his crappy blackberry service doesn't deliver my response fast enough:
It only takes a minute to type yes or no

Oh hey, God? Remember that patience I was asking for? Need A LOT of it right now!

Cowgirl1265

Noday, he's really good at triggering you. I have been fortunate that my STBXH has been very polite and respectful, I don't know how I'd handle all the necessary kid-related contact if her were acting like yours.

Are you seeing a therapist at all? I ask because with all you are dealing with it might be helpful and a good therapist might be able to give you some concrete ideas to work with.


**********{hugs}}}}}}

suki44883

Just my opinion, but it seems to me you are having way too much contact with him. You don't have to read his texts or emails immediately, and you don't have to answer them at all. He's looking for a fight and the less he knows about your plans, the better.

nodaybut2day

You're right. I was *trying* to be all "Take Chargey" and ended up shooting myself in the foot. Serves me right.

I know I need to make time to see a counsellor. It would do me some good. It's just a bit hard what with working full-time and having a young child to care for.

Jadmack25

You are doing fine. He is his usual demanding, arrogant and selfish self and you are still polite and not letting him KNOW for sure that you are stressed out. Keep it going and let what YOU want come out with the mediator, and if he explodes so be it, he does so before a reputable witness.

He hasn't done a damn thing but whinge and whine and yell, and can't even turn up when it IS his time with DD, but he wants equal custody rights with you!!!

Get real Bozo.

God bless