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Lonely vs. Alone

Old 01-17-2010, 05:52 PM
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Lonely vs. Alone

This weekend I have been thinking that it is very lonely being married to an alcoholic. I turn down invitations from friends and don't do what I want to do because every time I leave the house - he gets drunk. If I am home all the time - then it is less likely to happen. I can not blame this on my AH - this is my own fault! These are the choices that I am making! My AH always totally supports me going and doing things with my friends (gets me out of the way, I suppose)

I'm tired of being lonely and I miss my friends. I need to find some healthier ways to spend my free time.

If I'm going to be lonely - maybe it would be better to be alone.
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Old 01-17-2010, 05:58 PM
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I found that when I'm alone I am RARELY lonely.
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Old 01-17-2010, 06:04 PM
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It's a tricky one and I used to do similar serveral years ago! The difference was he would always come with us if we made the effort to go out and actually that was the good bit! he still drank regardless of being out or home....but it was a good social thing for me!

It can be a very very lonely road...but my advice would be to definatly make a life for yourself by seeing your friends and going to events etc etc....you need it for YOU! truly you do......

you said if you go you will come back to him being drunk.....what if you stay in would he get drunk anyway? My A definatly would so whether we stay in or go out he will drink so now I choose to go out more than I ever would have before and it makes me feel good as regardless if he is drinking or not I get to go out and enjoy other peoples company - the alternative for me would be to stay in with him getting drink and emotionally shutting down - not that much fun really!

You will know what works best for you and if you miss your friends and you enjoy their company make the effort to go and see how that makes you feel......I think it can only be a good thing. Give it a go and see where it takes you....Good luck with it all - this disease totally sucks! PHIz
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Old 01-17-2010, 08:05 PM
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Sometimes he drinks whether I am home or not, but not always. He tends to either come home drunk and that's it for the night -or- he might bring it home and use any excuse to go out to the garage to drink it. He definitely never just drinks openly in front of me or the kids - he always thinks he is being sneaky.
But - if he is not drunk and does not have any alcohol around, he is usually good for the evening. If I leave (for even 5 minutes) he is up at the liquor store buying booze.
Sounds complicated, doesn't it? Sounds like I should have a master's degree in dysfunctional alcoholic behavior, huh? No wonder I am so tired all the time! I'm busy trying to stay one step ahead of the wily alcoholic! Maybe I could spend my energies elsewhere.
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Old 01-17-2010, 08:11 PM
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Maybe I could spend my energies elsewhere.[/QUOTE]

yes it is an exhausting job! A job I no longer do.....So start to use all your energy on yourself....it really really will make a difference to you...not overnight of course! but slowly but surely it really really does and you will start to see things differently. I still slip up now and again and put the focvus on his alcoholism and have to snap myself out of it! and back to whats good for me!!......

I started with one small step and my focus these days is to look after myself so I can be the best mother to my three beautiful kids who deserve the best start in life that I am able to give them......regardless of their fathers alcoholism. It isn't ever easy but I just keep focusing on myself and it really makes a difference.

Thank goodness for SR as people here really do understand......good luck and keep posting ....Phiz
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Old 01-17-2010, 08:44 PM
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Sounds like YOU have a drinkin' problem !
Go to step one: you are powerless over his drinking but yet you keep trying to control it

INSANITY defined = doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

What can U do to change your own co-dependency?
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Old 01-17-2010, 09:52 PM
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He's the one with the PHD....pretty heavy drinker....There seems to be a little game going on.....You need your life....Check out Alanon. We become slaves to the disease. I am divorced now but I was jealous of the alcohol....Miss Natural Lite....his mistress. You deserve your own life.
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Old 01-18-2010, 05:22 AM
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I completely understand how you feel. I don't live with my ABF but a few months ago I would always be round at his house to try to stop him from drinking. I thought that if I was jsut there, he wouldn't get drunk. This did work for a while but inevitably he became sneaky and would lie to me and cause arguments so he could 'go out for a walk' (to the store). My work suffered becasue I took lots of time off to ruch to his house if I thought he was drinking or about to drink. I was ill from worrying constantly about whether he was drinking or not.

I still worry and I still sometimes go round to his house when I think he is drinking, but I definitely make a lot more time for myself. This improvement might not sound like much, and I still don't go out to see friends much, but it really has improved how I feel. My advice is to start slowly and make little attempts to do things for yourself - maybe just things around the house to start with - a long bath or some exercise - then work up to going out for a short walk - then eventually going out for the evening. You already feel lonely, so you might as well feel lonely while trying to make yourself feel better too.
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Old 01-18-2010, 07:40 AM
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If I'm going to be lonely - maybe it would be better to be alone.
as far as I can see from what you have said, you are missing out on social occassions because he will drink. If you were not with him, you could go? so not that lonely?

perhaps you can go now? I don't know your situation, so I ask you (and you don't have to reply: just think about it) what happens if you do go out and he does drink?

what is the awful ending to that story that means that you have to stay in to prevent it?

I am quite clear that their can be awful endings to that story, and ones that you might not want to talk about, and in which case do what you need to do to be safe first, but also think about whether this is the life you deserve.

if the answer is not that, if the answer is that he drinks, gets drunk, falls down, passes out, end of story. Then perhaps try to understand why you are isolating yourself to prevent him doing what he wants to do: it might be good to think about these things: when did you become his alcohol monitor? is it a job you enjoy? Should a grown adult have the right to use/abuse their own body any way they see fit?

I know the answers aren't necessarily simple, I isolated myself for a number of reasons: he would not stay sober enough to look after the children and I didn't see how I could get a babysitter if he was in the house. He had been physically and sexually abusive in the past and although these behaviours had stopped, all the triggers and behaviours leading right up to them hadn't so I was afraid they would happen again if he got to a certain level of drunk (and I HAD to know how near that level he was) and modify my behaviour accordingly. I was never really worried about his health (I'm not that compassionate, I always figure that's their own thing) but I see that lots of others here are, nor was I worried that he wouldn't come home (I prefered if he didn't, but i couldn't stand the not-knowing that he might walk in any minute, and I had to "steel" myself before going in everyday).

much of this I only understand now, I am slowly discovering or understanding or revealing my own reasons, because in the midst of it much was automatic and learned and subconcious. So don't expect all the answers now, but perhaps if you could start to finish that sentance:

I turn down invitations from friends and don't do what I want to do because every time I leave the house - he gets drunk.
and *I need* him to not be drunk because........

((HUGS))
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Old 01-18-2010, 08:15 AM
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I stayed in too - but this was more of a financial thing for me. If I stayed in, he would too and buy drink from the off license. If I went out with friends without him, he would either all out binge at home and call and text me all night OR he would go out and binge. My night out would end up costing a fortune because he would factor in HIS drinking and use the final cost as a way of blaming me!!! And I lived like that!!
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Old 01-18-2010, 03:00 PM
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Amazing what we do to try and control everything but our own behavior. I really like the statement, step away from the alcoholic. It saved my life. I still hurt deep inside. I still love him, but I need to be free of alcohol at all costs!.
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Old 01-18-2010, 03:31 PM
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Thanks everyone for the comments and the support. I am fully aware that I am a codependent and that it is not healthy for me. I don't have a lot of the answers as to WHY I choose to isolate, but I am aware that I do. I think that it is because I am just not able to ENJOY myself if I am worried about what's going on at home. I don't know if I care too much anymore how drunk he gets, but it's good to be prepared for when he's drinking the "hard stuff". When I am at work, I am busy enough that I am able to forget. My kids are mostly grown, so that's not an issue anymore but it used to be.

Anyways - you've given me alot to ponder... so thanks for that.
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Old 01-18-2010, 06:22 PM
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I was similar with my ABF, ending up more like a totally stressed out guard dog than a partner. Didn't stop him still spending time in pubs, clubs and chatting up bar tarts, while I was home worrying myself sick.

Finally quit this pathetic existence and left him to it.
He is still sober, and I go where I need to and when I want, sometimes with a small worry about him picking up, but mostly not going thru that at all. If he has a drink that is his problem, as he knows I will be GONE for good.

Do what you need or want to do, and let HP take care of the rest. Don't spend your life as a guard dog.
I guess the following image was me for many years. Not any longer.

God bless

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