I have a problem

Old 01-17-2010, 02:20 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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I have a problem

Its not due to alcohol. Its due to mental health. Although my OH acts exactly the same as an active alcoholic would.

My problem is not how to deal with him, I've done that, I live with my 2 boys in a different house.

My problem is how to deal with the fallout. How do you cope with feeling really bad for ending the relationship?

I have been separated for nearly a year but have only just within the last week told my OH that me and the boys will never move back with him and that there is no future between him and me.

I have a small issue with the fact that this time he may well try to commit suicide like he did last time I tried to stop him controlling my life. I was the one that saved him last time and now to a lot of people I am wonderful. I HATE IT!!! I don't want to be the one to find him again if he does decide. In fact I will resist any urge I get to go to his house.

Does that sound bad?

It's honestly how I feel, if he had succeeded last time I wouldn't have this nightmare I have now.

I also wouldn't feel that so many people expect us to be the perfect couple, how can I live up to that when I know what he is like in private. The sniping, the dirty looks at my oldest, the comments under the breath, the huffing when things don't go as he wants them.

Funny thing is I am the one with the alcohol problem, nothing huge, it's an evening thing. I'm usually a'bed by 9, counting z's by 10.

Why do I feel so bad? why do I feel that I have made the stupidest decision of my life?

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Jadmack25 (01-17-2010)
Old 01-17-2010, 02:28 PM
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I am in a similar situation

I am consistently amazed at how people like this WANT you to love them, be there for them...BUt they are incorrigible...mean, cranky.

My exA is angry with me everyday, and I do not know why. He says the most horrendous things, manipulates our parenting agreements...And he genuinely wonders why he is alone.

He threatens suicide about every three days. His family has a history of that...It is scary, but, I am not the one he is suddenly going to listen to. He wont listen to me, he attacks me. Some one else needs to help him to help himself.

You are not alone. I think you made the right choice for you and your kids.
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Jadmack25 (01-17-2010)
Old 01-18-2010, 02:05 AM
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I suffer from depression and have been suicidal in the past - anti depressants have literally saved my life! What I have learned over the years is that I am the one responsible for my own mental health. Finding co dependency recovery has actually helped my depression - I have better tools for fighting it! Just like with the alcoholic, the three C's count here too - you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Your X needs to find help for him and work on his own plan of recovery - you can't cure him! You are not responsible for the actions of another adult, you did the right thing for you and your children. You cannot 'make' him commit suicide, it is his choice and his choice alone.

You cannot control what other people think of you so let it go. Just do what is right for you and keep your own side of the street clean.
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Lilyflower (01-19-2010)
Old 01-18-2010, 02:48 PM
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I dealt with this not too long ago when I separated from my husband. He was telling my friends he was suicidal, he has had issues in the past and been hospitalized for severe depression. I was feeling very controlled by this, especially since I have a cousin whose husband did commit suicide seven or eight years ago.

I got some very good advice here at SR.

It may be that the first attempt and anything he says to you that indicates he is suicidal is an attempt to coerce or control you. What people here suggested, and what worked for me, was:

a) I suggested to my friends that he was calling that they were not capable of dealing with a suicidal person and that if he contacted them and told them he wanted to kill himself that they should contact 911.

b) I had a brief conversation with him where I let him know that *I* was not equipped to deal with suicidal thoughts or behavior and that if he told me he was suicidal I would take it seriously and call 911 on him.

Very quickly the threats of suicide dried up. Fortunately he has done some good things by getting into counseling and seeing a new psychiatrist and he is getting the help he needs.

Your husband may or may not kill himself, you have no control over it and you do not have to feel guilty for the choices he makes. I would say that not going over to his house is not a bad idea. My cousin's oldest son was with her when she found her husband, he was only 9 at the time and it was awful. He's in high school now and not surprisingly, he wants to become a psychologist or psychiatrist.
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Lilyflower (01-19-2010)
Old 01-19-2010, 03:19 AM
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Thankyou everybody for your input.

It's nice to know that I am not alone and have made the right decision.

Now all I have to do is finish grieving for my marriage.
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Old 01-19-2010, 04:50 AM
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Grief is one of those things that unfortunately just takes time I guess. I think the space away from your OH and the impact that has on your mind will certainly help the process along.

I used to suffer from guilt, until I learnt about the two different kinds of guilt- earned and unearned.

Earned guilt is my mind communicating through to me that I have not actyed in the best manner and possibly acted against my own or someone else's morals. It is beneficial as it can help guide me into making amends, seeking forgiveness internally as well as externally and can bring about personal growth.

Unearned guilt is me allowing myself to feel that I am responsible for something/someone that is actually out of my hands to control. It is wasted energy as I am unable to control anything outside of myself and only serves to eat away at my self worth and self esteem. I usually apply the 3C's to this as a remedy against the feelings.

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Helenlee (01-19-2010)

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