Had a Little AHA Moment

Old 01-17-2010, 01:26 PM
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Had a Little AHA Moment

My AH has not been home since Friday and my house feels so peaceful. He is not taking my determination to really separate this time very good. You see I have talked about it several times and the past and never followed through. This is where my AHA Moment came in. It was me who was not following through on the ACTION part. Here I expected HIM to follow through on his ACTION to stop drinking for good and get treatment, YET I nevered followed through on my ACTION of leaving or separating everytime I said I was going to.

I know him quite well and he thinks if we give each other space for a couple of days, we will be ok. But something happened to me this weekend, I realized I do not want to do this dance anymore. I do not want to makeup to end up in the same situation in a few months. That is the DANCE, I threaten to separate, he stops for a few months and then starts up again. I really need to be strong this time and follow through with my OWN ACTION and forget about waiting for him to follow through with his ACTION.

Here is where you guys come in, I need you to keep me strong so I do not cave again. Progress not Perfection. I sense I am starting to get there and it is starting to feel OK but I know I still need a little help on my recovery road from the great people of SR.

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Old 01-17-2010, 02:12 PM
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I did this dance a few times myself before I was really ready. I gave myself a mantra - I want to be happy, healthy and whole, and I deserve a rich and fulfilling life. Between that and the serenity prayer, I got thru the first few days, weeks and then months of my separation. I needed to constantly remind myself that I was worth it.

You are worth it. Don't forget that, and don't let anyone tell you that you aren't
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Old 01-18-2010, 07:42 AM
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We're here Jackrusselgirl...we're your own private cheering section, no matter what happens.
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Old 01-18-2010, 09:58 AM
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YaY! Good on you. How empowering when you stand by your convictions and decisions
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Old 01-18-2010, 10:10 AM
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It was me who was not following through on the ACTION part. Here I expected HIM to follow through on his ACTION to stop drinking for good and get treatment, YET I nevered followed through on my ACTION of leaving or separating everytime I said I was going to.

There are thousands of us that have done the same dance countless times. It is the dance of addiction and perfected by many a love one.

I finally acted. And when I did I got the shock of my life because he suddenly acted to. And then I was saying what the heck took me so long!

Stay strong. We are all here for you cheering you on. When you are ready to ACT you will.
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Old 01-18-2010, 12:50 PM
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I haven't been here in a long time so you might not recognize me, however I'm in the same place and I'll hold you accountable if you hold me accountable? It's time for me to end my dance too. I'm tired of saying, if ... ever happens again I'm gone. Well it's happend for the last time.

If I'm going to follow through so should you!

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Old 01-18-2010, 01:01 PM
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Thanks to all of you, I know that I am not alone in doing this "Dance", or "game", whichever you prefer. I think that the going back and forth fills me with shame and guilt, and self-loathing. I think to myself "why the hell are you doing this AGAIN, it always ends the same", but there I go....this time I am praying, reading, posting, going to meetings, and I hope when the time comes (as it always does, so predictable) I will have the strength to say "NO MORE". I have been asking HP to help me when he shows up on my doorstep. I must say, he hasn't been down here in a month, and I blocked his number, so I'm praying that he just stays away. I realize that I need this time to learn, grow, and gather strength. I know I am far from healed, but I also realize that I am starting to feel peace. I'm no longer involved in his drama, I can sleep at night, and I have no desire to know what he is up too. I leave the neighborhood without passing his house...I don't look down's not my business!!! I guess when I allow my fear to become greater than my faith, I feel very uncomfortable. I try to stay in the light, as I know he is just a very sick man, and the ONLY relationship he has at this moment is with his bottle, whether or not he has a warm body in his bed. That's what I have to remind myself...he is so bad that he drinks around the clock, all day, every day. Anyone involved with that is just as sick as he is. I don't want to be that person anymore, and I really do pray that he just stays the hell away from me.

It feels good to start (small beginning) to feel comfortable again, no worries, no crisis, no rescueing, just learning about me, taking care of me and mine, and finding joy in the things I forgot that I loved to do.

I know this is a process, and all of us have been where you are at...don't want to keep doing it, yet not knowing how to remove ourselves from the game, and not really sure we want to. When you get to the point that the pain of staying is more than the pain of leaving, you well leave. Big hugs, be gentle with yourself, we are all here for you.
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Old 01-18-2010, 05:35 PM
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It isn't a dance anymore, it is more like trying to keep your balance whilst being a pretzel in the TWISTER game.

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Old 01-18-2010, 06:34 PM
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Smile Decisions

Hi JackRussellGirl,

What a great AHA Moment! That's a big step towards you accomplishing your goal!

I've found that we are only human, with very strong emotions, so we need to do things when we are completely ready. That means - when you are ready, you make your decision, carry it out, and see it to the end. BE STRONG. that you've got LEVERAGE - that being your AHA Moment, you can use it to give you strength to move forward with your plan.

Why do you want to leave? Make a list of reasons why. Make a list of why you can't live like that anymore. Why you don't want to dance anymore. Then refer back to it when you're feeling weak. The more ammo you have to keep yourself in the strong frame of mind, the better!

I used to write in a notebook a never-ending conversation between me and the Devil's Advocate. I'd write what I felt, and "he'd" respond with some comeback. I'd write that I wanted to give the relationship more time, and he'd write:

DA: So he can look at you with that cold stare and tell you how he's not investing anymore time, money (ha!) or effort into the relationship?
Me: But, we could make it work...
DA: So next birthday he could pick a fight with you and you won't go out to dinner again? He has yet to take you out for your birthday. Is that what you want for yourself?
Me: Well, no, but he's sick.
DA: Yes, and what is the cure and how much effort has he put into finding it?Me: I've been doing research and reading books and...
DA: The subject of the question is HE.
ME: Um, well...Good point.

More importantly, I was able to look at it after my Xabf packed to move out, when I was weakening, after I'd been crying in the bathroom, ready to scream, and beg him to stay, my other half, my heart, my air, my mind racing, desperately looking for a solution...OMG...wait, what's this - that's right, on my birthday he said I wasn't committed to our relationship like he was (WTF?); I wanted Ready-Drama every week and he couldn't live like that - ON MY BIRTHDAY he says this. It was my fault that he felt like getting drunk that day. It was also my fault that we didn't go out (for either birthday during the two years he was with me!!).

Without notes like these, I wouldn't have been able to find a reason to help him pack and hold the door as he left. In that frame of mind, I was screaming for a way to keep "him" but I'd forgotten who HE was.

Write notes. Write what he's done. What he's said. Play it in your mind. Remember the tone of voice. Remember his eyes, how he looked at you. How he snarled, if he did. How he spoke to you with disgust. Then say:

This is the man I'm having trouble leaving? THIS ONE, right HERE?

(Then point to the mean looking guy in your mind, questioning yourself, like you can't believe it yourself.)


You can do it, JRG. It seems scarier than it is. What's sickening is how they bounce back after we've spent months fearing the act of leaving them. Then it's like - oh, he's fine. And oh, I'm actually better.

When my Xabf moved out, no one came home at 1, 2 and 3 AM anymore! WOW! How nice was that!? No one got in the bed smelling like alcohol and salami. How cool was that!? The first of the month came and I didn't have to hope he gave me something towards the rent. I didn't have to ask if he was working because he didn't volunteer what his weekly schedule was. I didn't have to come home and wonder if he would be passed out on the air mattress. No more kisses either, but they smelled of alcohol anyway. Trust all of us who have taken the Nestee plunge. It's worth it!

You can do it!! I have faith in you. You had that AHA Moment for a reason. To move you several steps closer.

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