My ABF is fresh out of rehab and already struggling
 

My ACOA ABF came home from 30-day treatment and is staying with his mom, upon his her insistence. He doesn't have the $ to be out on his own, currently. He e-mailed me tonight to say he's going crazy, he knows being back home is the worst place to be for recovery, but she won't listen to him. He pleaded for my help and said he's afraid he's going to end up in a bar. He's been to several AA meetings since he got home two days ago. What can I possibly do to help him? All I can think of is to encourage him to do what's right for himself, that he might want to look into a sober house, and pray for his situation. Does this sound like a cry for help? An attempt to manipulate me into picking him up because he either wants to prove that I haven't abandoned him or he wants to see me but can't bring himself to say it? Or does this mean "read between the lines, he's not done with drinking."? I am totally new at this...

hi JC =- welcome!

I don't know of many people who, if put back in their home situation ...
wouldn't be looking for ANY means to get out of it.

You didn't mention how old these people are that we're reading about.

If he can't bring himself to say he wants to see you,
he probably doesn't want to see you.
And even if he does, I'd make him come out with it.
Otherwise, it's just another manipulation.
Being old and experienced in such things,
men...
when they want to be around a woman....

the ARE... around that woman.

He needs to talk to his sponsor, his counsellor ... whoever.

Maybe he's venting to you, and there's not as much desperation as he's making out?

has this ploy worked in the past?

Hi jc!

Welcome! I'm a recovering alcoholic and it seems to me you've given him good advice.

Love,

Lenina

Not knowing your BF, but having heard thousands of stories on these boards, my money is on this:
What is it about his mom's house that is 'driving him to a bar' ? The fact that she won't let him drink? My guess is that he wants you to rescue him, and give him a soft place to land so he can start drinking again. But that's just me - having seen this so many times.

Protect yourself, and let him handle his own recovery. If he is going to get better, he needs to take responsibility for his life....not try to weasel his way out of it, make excuses, or get you to handle it for him. He has a safe place to stay, he has AA, he has a little sobriety.....there is little you can do to help at this point except pray. The rest is up to him and his higher power.

Good luck, jcfollower. Glad you're here with us!

i agree with givelove.

let us consider how he ended up living back at his mother's house. he made numerous choices over time which led to this situation. it is best to not meddle and let them suffer the consequnces of their choices. it appears this really is the best way for them to learn how to make better choices for themselves.

from what you've explained, it sounds as if perhaps he would prefer to live with you and have you to provide

1. his roof
2. probably his food
3. his emotional support system
4. probably the housekeeping, bill paying, meal cooking, laundry washing, etc.

he is a grown man. he would do well to learn to provide those things for himself.

and once he has settled into your nest, it will be much more difficult to keep your distance from him and his recovery.

he is safe and sound at his mother's. he might not like it, but then again, he can always take some action to get on his own two feet. or not.

and, if you take him in, what if he relapses? then, you're back in the firing lane.

just some food for thought.
naive

The BEST thing you can do for this person is to allow him to stand on his own two feet. Do not do ANYTHING for him that a grown adult can do for himself. Offer a few encouraging words like, "you can do it," be as supportive as you would be to a co-worker, and tell him he must stand on his own two feet. Go to Al-Anon.

Thank you all for the wisdom--having a night to sleep on things made a difference, too. At age 35, he is the youngest of 4. His other siblings are 8-15 years older than him. Their. Alcoholic father died a few years ago of cancer. Parents are in their 70's. Very dysfunctional home with alcoholic sister in and out frequently--they all live very close by. Not so sure that his mom and sister will keep alcohol out of the home. I think it's more like, "so don't drink it." He works as a general contractor in the building industry, thus the majority of his $ situation is not a direct link to his drinking but consequences of the last couple years' economy. He is a professional, functioning alcoholic. Living with me is not an option. I live with my parents currently. One of the things that has helped me to stay more detached is that we live 25 minutes apart, so it's not really easy to see each other. I work in retail, so my work schedule changes week to week, and I have a super sweet 10 year old daughter who is my #1 priority. Plus I wouldn't offer anyway. I know better! We dated 4 years ago, briefly, as I learned rather quickly of his alcoholism. I tried rather to get him to turn things around and supported him as a friend through e-mail. I gave up after about 1.5 yrs. I figured he was in God's hands. Then six months ago we got back in touch. I was feeling him out and he bit the line. We met up and I saw that he was still drinking heavily. I knew that I shouldn't/couldn't have a relationship with him if he's still drinking, so I eventually contacted an interventionist for guidance. He told me to reach out to his family. So I contacted the most sane sister, who lives out of state, and she happened to be coming to town that weekend. She was very on-board, and wanted me to meet up with her and their mom to get their mom on-board. We met that weekend, and she agreed to put him in rehab. They told him it was rehab or the door--he chose rehab. I guess the hard part is not rationallizing the "he needs help with..." and saying, "any normal person can do that for themselves." Hope the additional info gives a better picture. Thanks.

You're right. I would let him stay where he is. Sounds like he is boohooing over his situation to me.

He has the tools he needs, jc. You can be encouraging in your words, you can pray that he absorbs the vast benefits AA has to offer, and you can hope he will make the right choices for himself.

Aside from that, it's his battle to fight, not yours. He knows you care about him, he has tools to stay sober......now all he has to do is keep working a program of recovery. Does he want to go to a sober house? Would it help? If his home environment truly is triggering him, I would not be above pointing him to some appropriate resources and letting him make arrangements for that.

I know it's sometimes very hard to stand by and let him sink or swim, but in this case it's really your only choice. Wishing you well!

A lot of people have told me to attend Alanon, and I knoe it's probably a good idea, but part of me is scared because I feel like if I do, I'm making a bigger emotional investment in HIM than I should...

I am nice and comfy with this little wall I built up while he was in rehab, and I'm not sure I want to take it down.

I e-mailed him this morning to ask him to share with me about his aftercare plan--what all is in it, did his mom see it--and he wrote back, ignoring my questions and asking if I knew someone who could help him get something moved today out of his old garage. He totally irks me...!

So I wrote back, ignoring HIS question, and asked him if he ended up in a bart last night. I want to freeze him out! Is that wrong? He's an alcoholic ACOA, so I know the issues run deep and complex, i.e. drawing close & pushing away, shame, fear of abandonment, etc. But how do I respond to him? I guess I need to quit prying and asking him questions.

Sounds like he doesn't want to talk about his aftercare plan. That's his choice. (shrug)

He's going to be wrapped up in trying to remain sober and getting his life together for a while, I'm thinking. Are you able to detach and let him do that?

That, incidentally, is what Al-Anon is good for. It's not about them. It's about us. Finding clarity, setting boundaries, deciding what we want.

Hang in there,
GL

Yes, I think you're right, GiveLove, and I CAN detach and let him work his recovery program. I already looked into Alanon meetings and wrote down the info for the one I can get to based on my work schedule this week. I am cautiously optimistic, and working to keep my focus on ME and not him. I am so grateful I found SR!