wanting

I definitely didn't bring up the marriage thing because I thought you did anything wrong with regard to that situation. I remembered that he had split with her before you got involved, and the living in different states would definitely make it appear that way. It's just the soonness of starting a new relationship that I was focused on. I'm also not saying he was blameless. I absolutely believe (if he's anything like my AH) that he talked a good talk. I just think that we have the ability to see where something is a bad idea without having to rely on someone else to be truthful. Someone else's truthfulness is really a non-issue where it comes to making good decisions for ourselves. I'm actually kind of excited about realizing that for myself, and can see it paying off as I deal with AH and other guys I meet who are interested in me. I can kind of take what they say with a grain of salt and pay more attention to their actions and my own behaviors. And this is a good thing for me, because since I am not ready for a healthy relationship, the universe only sends unhealthy people my way right now.

Kittyboo

Ooooh yes....I learned NEVER EVER get involved with anyone fresh out of a relationship. Alcoholic or not really, I think.

I agree about the universe sending us unhealthy people too, depending on our current state. I've tried to deal with my "baggage" before, but it never surfaced like it did after this relationship.
This was really significant for me. Though people in normal healthy relationships may not understand why, my therapist really helped me to come to terms with the fact that he was my first real love. In the sense that he was the first person I ever really thought I could have a future with (believe it or not!) because, ok, who I chose to see him as based on his words, was truly the most amazing man I thought I could ever find.
When I realized that it was all false, it really really took it's toll on me. More so than it would someone else most likely.

I definitely believe I needed to meet him, and go through this to give me the tools I really need to make better decisions in the future, to raise my standards and mostly really start to come to terms with all of my abandonment issues.

wanting

I feel really grateful that my whole situation helped me to finally face my abandonment issues, and to really look within for OK-ness. And there are just so many little things going on in my life and around me that really point me to the fact that it is time for me to heal. My abandonment issues really start with my father abandoning me at age 3 when my mother died. I think my feelings of abandonment were so threaded throughout all that I was, that I never really saw them as "abandonment issues" until being abandoned by AH, who I thought was Prince Charming (despite the warning signs) and who I unknowingly depended on to make me OK. I've only recently become able to feel like, maybe my father didn't want me, but that's OK, because I really like who I am. And maybe AH didn't want me, but that's OK, because I really like who I am. I think that's the universe's point in all this for me.

Kittyboo

... maybe AH didn't want me, but that's OK, because I really like who I am. I think that's the universe's point in all this for me.[/QUOTE]

Love that, and so true. :day6

Live

that "easy forgiveness" doesn't really work out in the long run....first the wrongs are judged and convicted as guilty....until we find them guilty of wrong the forgiveness isn't authentic.....it's often an avoidance....because the real thing is a painful process.

Kittyboo

Wow, that made so much sense atleast to me, how I interpret it.

It has been IMPOSSIBLY difficult and painful for me to even fathom forgiveness, but now that I had confirmation to what I knew was true, it's almost so freeing. I don't think that's the way it should be, but that's how I feel. I feel like I can forgive him now. Gosh it sounds so backwards! "Now that I KNOW the specifics of the lie, I can move on".

I think maybe it was this constant feeling that I lost something, even with all of his problems, the feeling that I lost someone who I cared for, who I looked at as genuine. I guess because, even though I had instinct, it was never possible for me to flat out catch him in a lie, I always questioned it. Now I don't have to question it anymore. I don't have to question any of it.
I can wish him well with his girlfriend because I know I deserve better.