Honesty
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
Honesty
I have been thinking about something lately that was said to me... she said that it is "so much harder to be the parent of an alcoholic/addict than a spouse, because you can always just dump your spouse".
Now, at the time I was attending a family program at a treatment center (my 3rd in an 18 month time period!) and I wondered if it really is that easy. I have always put the needs of others 1st! I cannot imagine how this could be any harder.
Leaving my husband (in my mind) would hurt my children, my parents would worry, my in-laws would be upset (and they are old... it could kill them), my lifestyle would have to change, what if this affected my work? What if he won't go away quietly and leave me alone? It could get messy! I'll lose the house, my credit will suffer, I'll be alone. My friends and coworkers (who think I have an awesome marriage) would find out. My pastor/dog/sister/nieces/nephews/brother/... might find out that I am not perfect! What if (God forbid) my AH does something newsworthy? What happens to me then? What a nutcase I've become!
What occurs to me now, is that I have made this so much harder by building my life on a bunch of lies. A house of cards... What if I had admitted my concerns back when I first had them? Why did I feel it was necessary to work so hard to cover up what was really going on? The thing that is crippling me is that I'm afraid to be honest!
Of course, at this point - a lot of people do know... like my parents, family, some friends, the local law enforcement, my al-anon friends, etc. What I am still keeping hidden from a lot of them is that he is STILL DRINKING!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! When will I learn? SR is a wonderful place and I feel better by sharing some of these secrets with you. Thanks for listening!
Now, at the time I was attending a family program at a treatment center (my 3rd in an 18 month time period!) and I wondered if it really is that easy. I have always put the needs of others 1st! I cannot imagine how this could be any harder.
Leaving my husband (in my mind) would hurt my children, my parents would worry, my in-laws would be upset (and they are old... it could kill them), my lifestyle would have to change, what if this affected my work? What if he won't go away quietly and leave me alone? It could get messy! I'll lose the house, my credit will suffer, I'll be alone. My friends and coworkers (who think I have an awesome marriage) would find out. My pastor/dog/sister/nieces/nephews/brother/... might find out that I am not perfect! What if (God forbid) my AH does something newsworthy? What happens to me then? What a nutcase I've become!
What occurs to me now, is that I have made this so much harder by building my life on a bunch of lies. A house of cards... What if I had admitted my concerns back when I first had them? Why did I feel it was necessary to work so hard to cover up what was really going on? The thing that is crippling me is that I'm afraid to be honest!
Of course, at this point - a lot of people do know... like my parents, family, some friends, the local law enforcement, my al-anon friends, etc. What I am still keeping hidden from a lot of them is that he is STILL DRINKING!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! When will I learn? SR is a wonderful place and I feel better by sharing some of these secrets with you. Thanks for listening!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
When will I learn?
Kerbearz -- it sounds like you ARE learning!!!!
Easy does it. This wasn't created in a week and it will take time to change. My mom built her life on a house of cards too, she was in such deep denial. Yet we all know denial is just pretend - because there is that queasiness, that under-current of rage, sadness, fear, etc. There is so obviously something "wrong" in an alcoholic family!! My mom warped some of her very best qualities, and to this day it is impossible for her to get real.
We're only as sick as our secrets - your secrets seem designed to protect him. Keeping up appearances is one of the insidious ways we enable the alcoholic, one of the ways we help keep the disease from negatively impacting the alcoholic. In the end it hurts everyone. That's the thing I discovered about denial - whatever I am denying will ALWAYS come out in the end and bite me harder than ever!
Exploring denial taught me a lot about shame - abut my attitudes about it and about how many decisions I made based on feeling ashamed. It is a powerful motivator: trying to avoid shame. Shame & fear - hand in hand!
Take a few minutes everyday to meditate on yourself, on your dreams and your goals (and not a dream ot goal where anyone else changes!! only stuff you can do for you!).
Breaking free of denial takes daily practice. Once I started I realized I had no clue who I was or what I wanted. Those were good first questions to focus on for me.
I love your insight into yourself in this post - I know it is scary - but collectively here on SR we have seen everything so fear not! You're not alone.
peace-
b
Kerbearz -- it sounds like you ARE learning!!!!
Easy does it. This wasn't created in a week and it will take time to change. My mom built her life on a house of cards too, she was in such deep denial. Yet we all know denial is just pretend - because there is that queasiness, that under-current of rage, sadness, fear, etc. There is so obviously something "wrong" in an alcoholic family!! My mom warped some of her very best qualities, and to this day it is impossible for her to get real.
We're only as sick as our secrets - your secrets seem designed to protect him. Keeping up appearances is one of the insidious ways we enable the alcoholic, one of the ways we help keep the disease from negatively impacting the alcoholic. In the end it hurts everyone. That's the thing I discovered about denial - whatever I am denying will ALWAYS come out in the end and bite me harder than ever!
Exploring denial taught me a lot about shame - abut my attitudes about it and about how many decisions I made based on feeling ashamed. It is a powerful motivator: trying to avoid shame. Shame & fear - hand in hand!
Take a few minutes everyday to meditate on yourself, on your dreams and your goals (and not a dream ot goal where anyone else changes!! only stuff you can do for you!).
Breaking free of denial takes daily practice. Once I started I realized I had no clue who I was or what I wanted. Those were good first questions to focus on for me.
I love your insight into yourself in this post - I know it is scary - but collectively here on SR we have seen everything so fear not! You're not alone.
peace-
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
Then there is the shame! Tolerating all the things that you swore you'd never tolerate... moving the line in the sand each time it gets crossed. It is completely unfathomable to me how different my life is from what I imagined. My goal from here on is to set boundaries for myself and respect them. To thoughtfully consider what I am going to say and do - and then say or do what I feel is right. Pray for guidance for MY life and remind myself that my AH has his own HP (and it's not me! 
) And to stop relying on my AH for emotional support because he is simply not able to provide it.
) And to stop relying on my AH for emotional support because he is simply not able to provide it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Small steps, Kerbearz, small steps.
You don't have to solve this all at once. You can take small, small steps toward something better. For example, just talking about the lifestyle changes: You can start building your finances so if you did decide to separate, you'd still be fine (you may have to "right-size" your life, but that's okay). You can go to a place like the Simple Living Network and start finding out how to live more simply and still be just as happy. You can build your own credit. You can get rid of debt. And so much more. They are based in setting a goal for yourself: "No matter what, I'd like to be more self-sufficient." There are lots of baby steps that don't require you to put all your eggs in on basket.
Take naive's great suggestion too. You don't have to take out an ad in the paper, or hold a family meeting and tell everyone he's still drinking. But perhaps just one person whom you trust. It will feel good to have someone you can talk to.
Everything you mention has a solution. It's when you lump it all into a ball like that - then it seems insurmountable. It isn't. You just have to take small steps. And every day, you'll be moving toward building your own personal power, so that eventually you can have the complete freedom to do WHATEVER you feel is best for yourself and your family.
This is how I came to extricate myself from more than one dreadful relationship. Not by saying "damn the torpedoes" and leaping, but by small movements in the right direction.
Keep posting.....we're listening!
p.s. Shame has no place in this. Let that go. We do the best we can, as julia cameron says, with the light we had to see by at the time. Now that you know better, you can start moving in a more positive direction.
You don't have to solve this all at once. You can take small, small steps toward something better. For example, just talking about the lifestyle changes: You can start building your finances so if you did decide to separate, you'd still be fine (you may have to "right-size" your life, but that's okay). You can go to a place like the Simple Living Network and start finding out how to live more simply and still be just as happy. You can build your own credit. You can get rid of debt. And so much more. They are based in setting a goal for yourself: "No matter what, I'd like to be more self-sufficient." There are lots of baby steps that don't require you to put all your eggs in on basket.
Take naive's great suggestion too. You don't have to take out an ad in the paper, or hold a family meeting and tell everyone he's still drinking. But perhaps just one person whom you trust. It will feel good to have someone you can talk to.
Everything you mention has a solution. It's when you lump it all into a ball like that - then it seems insurmountable. It isn't. You just have to take small steps. And every day, you'll be moving toward building your own personal power, so that eventually you can have the complete freedom to do WHATEVER you feel is best for yourself and your family.
This is how I came to extricate myself from more than one dreadful relationship. Not by saying "damn the torpedoes" and leaping, but by small movements in the right direction.
Keep posting.....we're listening!
p.s. Shame has no place in this. Let that go. We do the best we can, as julia cameron says, with the light we had to see by at the time. Now that you know better, you can start moving in a more positive direction.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
Thank you! For some reason your post made me cry - very hard! It does seem overwhelming and I will try to do what you suggest about taking it one step at a time.
One of my favorite quotes is "Remind me each day that the race is not always to the swift; that there is more to life than increasing its speed. Let me look upward into the towering oak and know that it grew great and strong because it grew slowly and well." - Orin L. Crain
I'll try to remember that!
One of my favorite quotes is "Remind me each day that the race is not always to the swift; that there is more to life than increasing its speed. Let me look upward into the towering oak and know that it grew great and strong because it grew slowly and well." - Orin L. Crain
I'll try to remember that!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I think we're ALL the best people if we grow "slowly and well." That's an awesome quote!!
It helps to sit down with yourself and figure out what kind of life you'd have, ideally, if you could wave a wand and make it so. I do that at least once a year with Barbara Sher's "ideal day exercise" (google it) There's only one rule: you can't change how any other people ARE, but aside from that, everything's up for grabs.
It may seem silly, but once you know how you WANT things to be for you and your kids, then you've got a compass. It points to your True North and then you can start taking those tiny, solid little steps toward it.
You're worth it, kerbearz!
It helps to sit down with yourself and figure out what kind of life you'd have, ideally, if you could wave a wand and make it so. I do that at least once a year with Barbara Sher's "ideal day exercise" (google it) There's only one rule: you can't change how any other people ARE, but aside from that, everything's up for grabs.
It may seem silly, but once you know how you WANT things to be for you and your kids, then you've got a compass. It points to your True North and then you can start taking those tiny, solid little steps toward it.
You're worth it, kerbearz!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
As they say in alanon, we are only as sick as our secrets. I used to let the wacko's around me control my life by me being ashamed of what people would think. I don't care anymore. If some of my sick relatives run naked through the streets it is them and not me.
My life is not perfect but happiness begins with me being honest with myself. I can't be honest with myself if I am dishonest with everyone else.
This doesn't mean that the whole world has to hear every one of my dirty little secrets. It does mean however that when they come out in the natural course of my life or as a result of someone else's mental illness, I don't have to be ashamed or afraid.
I have done the best I could with the knowledge that I had at the time. I still make mistakes. Being honest with myself and with others lets me deal with the mistakes and with the problems around me in the most effective way. I can feel good about my integrity and about having the courage to live my life without fear of others.
My life is not perfect but happiness begins with me being honest with myself. I can't be honest with myself if I am dishonest with everyone else.
This doesn't mean that the whole world has to hear every one of my dirty little secrets. It does mean however that when they come out in the natural course of my life or as a result of someone else's mental illness, I don't have to be ashamed or afraid.
I have done the best I could with the knowledge that I had at the time. I still make mistakes. Being honest with myself and with others lets me deal with the mistakes and with the problems around me in the most effective way. I can feel good about my integrity and about having the courage to live my life without fear of others.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
From 'the messiah's Handbook'
(Richard Bach, Illusions)
Live your life
so that anything you say
and anything you do
could be published around the world -
... even if is isn't true.
(Richard Bach, Illusions)
Live your life
so that anything you say
and anything you do
could be published around the world -
... even if is isn't true.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
Thanks Husbandofacoa! I agree, we are only as sick as our secrets and once upon a time I would not have shared any of my pain, struggles or secrets with anyone. But now, I have my al-anon group, a couple of closer al-anon friends and a few girlfriends that I have shared with. My MIL also knows because she asked and I will no longer cover up for AH. I could not believe how difficult it was to start to share, but it is getting easier with time.
I still hope that my "sick relatives" don't do anything to make the evening news!
I still hope that my "sick relatives" don't do anything to make the evening news!
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
A very very important step for us is to stop beating ourselves up. The guilt, the shame, that sick in the gut feeling will keep you stuck.
Believe me, I know all about it.
Just remember - we're all human and not a one of us is perfect. Those who will judge harshly can just kiss my butt.
Believe me, I know all about it.
Just remember - we're all human and not a one of us is perfect. Those who will judge harshly can just kiss my butt.
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