How to talk to him?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 2
How to talk to him?
Hi,
I'm new to this site, and very relieved to see many people out there dealing with similar fears and problems. I don't feel so alone and appreciate all the support that you offer.
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. He is stable, hard-working, and usually a kind person. We have occasional fights, and sometimes I think that he gets more ornery and aggressive when he drinks. Recently, I've been afraid that he is drinking more and attempting to hide it from me. We don't live together, and when he's at my place on some weekends, we will have a few drinks, but not to excess, in my opinion. However, when I am down at his place, I have noticed that his half-gallon of whiskey is getting depleted fairly quickly. Sometimes he buys a new one 2 times a month. I have started to check to see how much disappears by marking the bottle when I'm at his place. When I got here last night, I saw that he had a new bottle, and that it was about 2/3 full. I only saw him drink 2 beers, but when I looked at the bottle today, I saw that he'd somehow drank about 3/4 of an inch of whiskey without me knowing. Or, he'd brought it to work with him this morning. Maybe I'm being overly paranoid.
I took the Al-Anon self-test and answered yes to 5 questions. I'm not sure what to do next. I don't know how to talk to him about it. I did address my concerns with him last month, and he told me that he was drinking during the week, at least 1-2 drinks a night. He told me that he would stop drinking during the week.
A red flag for me is that after we met, he told me that he his ex-wife told him he had a drinking problem. When their marriage was on the rocks, he began drinking whiskey, sometimes having 6-7 drinks a night. He attended AA for a few months, and when I met him, he was not drinking at all. He did start again after we began dating (I am a social drinker, and on our first date, we had a couple of beers together -- at the time, I didn't know that he had a problem).
We have been talking about getting married, but I'm very worried to start a marriage with him if he is secretly drinking. I don't know how much of a problem it really is, and I have read about how bad it can get. I don't want that to happen.
How do I talk to him? I'm so nervous about this.
Thanks so much!
I'm new to this site, and very relieved to see many people out there dealing with similar fears and problems. I don't feel so alone and appreciate all the support that you offer.
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. He is stable, hard-working, and usually a kind person. We have occasional fights, and sometimes I think that he gets more ornery and aggressive when he drinks. Recently, I've been afraid that he is drinking more and attempting to hide it from me. We don't live together, and when he's at my place on some weekends, we will have a few drinks, but not to excess, in my opinion. However, when I am down at his place, I have noticed that his half-gallon of whiskey is getting depleted fairly quickly. Sometimes he buys a new one 2 times a month. I have started to check to see how much disappears by marking the bottle when I'm at his place. When I got here last night, I saw that he had a new bottle, and that it was about 2/3 full. I only saw him drink 2 beers, but when I looked at the bottle today, I saw that he'd somehow drank about 3/4 of an inch of whiskey without me knowing. Or, he'd brought it to work with him this morning. Maybe I'm being overly paranoid.
I took the Al-Anon self-test and answered yes to 5 questions. I'm not sure what to do next. I don't know how to talk to him about it. I did address my concerns with him last month, and he told me that he was drinking during the week, at least 1-2 drinks a night. He told me that he would stop drinking during the week.
A red flag for me is that after we met, he told me that he his ex-wife told him he had a drinking problem. When their marriage was on the rocks, he began drinking whiskey, sometimes having 6-7 drinks a night. He attended AA for a few months, and when I met him, he was not drinking at all. He did start again after we began dating (I am a social drinker, and on our first date, we had a couple of beers together -- at the time, I didn't know that he had a problem).
We have been talking about getting married, but I'm very worried to start a marriage with him if he is secretly drinking. I don't know how much of a problem it really is, and I have read about how bad it can get. I don't want that to happen.
How do I talk to him? I'm so nervous about this.
Thanks so much!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
How do I talk to him? I'm so nervous about this.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean!
What is it that you want to talk to him about?
You want to tell him that he is drinking too much?
You want to tell him you will not marry him unless he stops drinking?
You can tell him all that. Just don't have any expectations of it making any kind of difference in his drinking patterns.
Keep reading about alcoholism, about the sneakiness and lying and false starts at recovery and disasters. Keep reading about codependence, about the sneakiness and manipulation, and heartache and need for control. Make sure you accept the formidable foe that alcoholism is in his life and how that will impact you if you marry him or stay with him. It is a tough road.
Keep your eyes wide open. Breaking free of denial and staying firmly in reality is always in the front of my mind when I deal with my A brothers. Because things can get twisted pretty quickly in their world.
I used to get really really nervous talking to my bros when I was in this mode of thinking that what I was going to say was going to make them "see!" Once I let go of that I found that a lot of the stuff I felt I needed to say I really didn't need to say at all. At all.
When I was finally getting help- through AlAnon and therapy I was able to give my bros the number to local AA and say I hope you use this soon and get some help. Period. And then let go completely, because there is nothing, no amount of love, or information, or threats, or dramatic scenes, or conversations, that can make them "see" until they themselves open their eyes and reach out because they want to change.
Glad you;re here- keep posting- and read the stickies at the top of the first page of this forum -- I like alot of stuff in the "Classic Reading" stickie...
peace-
b
Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean!
What is it that you want to talk to him about?
You want to tell him that he is drinking too much?
You want to tell him you will not marry him unless he stops drinking?
You can tell him all that. Just don't have any expectations of it making any kind of difference in his drinking patterns.
Keep reading about alcoholism, about the sneakiness and lying and false starts at recovery and disasters. Keep reading about codependence, about the sneakiness and manipulation, and heartache and need for control. Make sure you accept the formidable foe that alcoholism is in his life and how that will impact you if you marry him or stay with him. It is a tough road.
Keep your eyes wide open. Breaking free of denial and staying firmly in reality is always in the front of my mind when I deal with my A brothers. Because things can get twisted pretty quickly in their world.
I used to get really really nervous talking to my bros when I was in this mode of thinking that what I was going to say was going to make them "see!" Once I let go of that I found that a lot of the stuff I felt I needed to say I really didn't need to say at all. At all.
When I was finally getting help- through AlAnon and therapy I was able to give my bros the number to local AA and say I hope you use this soon and get some help. Period. And then let go completely, because there is nothing, no amount of love, or information, or threats, or dramatic scenes, or conversations, that can make them "see" until they themselves open their eyes and reach out because they want to change.
Glad you;re here- keep posting- and read the stickies at the top of the first page of this forum -- I like alot of stuff in the "Classic Reading" stickie...
peace-
b
Seeking Serenity
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Welcome to SF!
Bernadette, I couldn't have said it better myself!
IMO-Red flags are a way of making us stop and really look at a situation. If you saw this flag and it gives you pause...don't stop listening to it. It is trying to tell you something.
Measuring his intake is a slipperly slop. What are you going to do with this new found knowledge of how much he drinks daily? Are you going to confront him? Will you keep it bottled up inside? In either case...it's going to cause problems for you. Confronting him will only make him sneakier when he drinks...which will cause you to up your game as well. If you keep it bottled up inside...I can promise you...it will come out with a vengence. This I know first hand...I tried both.
You will never be able to control his drinking...period. The question then moves from "How do I talk to him?" to "What can I do to help myself with regards to his drinking?"
Your intuition is talking to you...listen to it.
Keep checking in with SR. There is a lot to be learned here. When you are ready for it...change will happen.
Good luck!
:ghug3
Bernadette, I couldn't have said it better myself!
IMO-Red flags are a way of making us stop and really look at a situation. If you saw this flag and it gives you pause...don't stop listening to it. It is trying to tell you something.
Measuring his intake is a slipperly slop. What are you going to do with this new found knowledge of how much he drinks daily? Are you going to confront him? Will you keep it bottled up inside? In either case...it's going to cause problems for you. Confronting him will only make him sneakier when he drinks...which will cause you to up your game as well. If you keep it bottled up inside...I can promise you...it will come out with a vengence. This I know first hand...I tried both.
You will never be able to control his drinking...period. The question then moves from "How do I talk to him?" to "What can I do to help myself with regards to his drinking?"
Your intuition is talking to you...listen to it.
Keep checking in with SR. There is a lot to be learned here. When you are ready for it...change will happen.
Good luck!
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
The disease is progressive. It may help if you stop drinking with him. It may help you to go to some Alanon and Codependency meetings. I learned in Alanon not to talk to him while he was drinking. If he is a true alcoholic he cannot control the amount. It is the first drink that gets him. One is too many and fifty is not enough.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Welcome!
Click on my name and choose "read more posts" to hear my story. I wanted to talk to my AH, too. It didn't change him, but it did let me see more of the dark side of alcoholism.
It is crazy to imagine at first, but what you see is what you get. You can't fix him. You can't change him. You can't "get him to see". The wonderful man you love is a secret drinker. The talk "I'm going to stop drinking during the week" is just talk. Alcoholics do a lot of false talk.
So the vision, the dream, you had of who he was needs to change to include this reality. It's painful to let go of the pretty picture. I say so from DEEP experience - given I am working with it daily.
Keep reading and posting.
We send you hugs and support and hope.
We understand.
Peace
w
Click on my name and choose "read more posts" to hear my story. I wanted to talk to my AH, too. It didn't change him, but it did let me see more of the dark side of alcoholism.
It is crazy to imagine at first, but what you see is what you get. You can't fix him. You can't change him. You can't "get him to see". The wonderful man you love is a secret drinker. The talk "I'm going to stop drinking during the week" is just talk. Alcoholics do a lot of false talk.
So the vision, the dream, you had of who he was needs to change to include this reality. It's painful to let go of the pretty picture. I say so from DEEP experience - given I am working with it daily.
Keep reading and posting.
We send you hugs and support and hope.
We understand.
Peace
w
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 2
Thanks so much!
Wow! Thanks so much for your responses. I'm still working on figuring all of this out. I think it will take a while. I'm seeing a therapist now, too, so I'm excited to see what comes of those talks.
I've gone back and read some of your posts, and it's given me a lot of insight. I feel like something that has been frozen in me is starting to thaw a tiny bit. My courage? After reading more, I'm starting to let myself question my situation, and to try and look forward without lying to myself, even though I'm afraid that I still do.
Thanks again!
I've gone back and read some of your posts, and it's given me a lot of insight. I feel like something that has been frozen in me is starting to thaw a tiny bit. My courage? After reading more, I'm starting to let myself question my situation, and to try and look forward without lying to myself, even though I'm afraid that I still do.
Thanks again!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
Consider yourself very fortunate that you have realized there is a problem before you were married. Many of us here were not that wise.
Alanon as well as this forum have been helpful and educational for me. If you haven't been to an Alanon meeting why not give it a try?
Alanon as well as this forum have been helpful and educational for me. If you haven't been to an Alanon meeting why not give it a try?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I feel like something that has been frozen in me is starting to thaw a tiny bit. My courage? After reading more, I'm starting to let myself question my situation, and to try and look forward without lying to myself, even though I'm afraid that I still do.
((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))
The past is gone. You are free in this moment.
peace-
b
((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))
The past is gone. You are free in this moment.
peace-
b
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