He wants to quit but can't stop himself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 83
He wants to quit but can't stop himself
My boyfriend woke up this morning, walked outside a couple of times to throw up, and is still laying down at 12:20pm. He always sleeps in til 4ish and then wants me to stay up with him until 3-4am...because he can't go to sleep.
I've told you guys the whole story before in one of my older post. To keep it simple, my boyfriend is 22 and has to (feels like he has to) take care of his little brothers and sisters, and his parents who act like they are children as well.
He tried so many times to quit drinking. He even went to AA once. He has lost ALL of his friends because of his drinking. He used to be Mr. Popular, a great musician and a funny person. Now his music has been suffering, he lost his closet friends, and he is depressed and angry all time....
He never wants to hang out with anyone, or do anything. He has no motivation, and it's just too much work to go to rehab. He has never been, and we have no idea how to get into rehab. We are poor as **** and in our 20's. We are both in school, but he is failing ALL of his classes.
He woke up this morning saying he's gonna quit...how do I believe him...seriously? Is my negativity making things worse. I used to be positive and had faith in him, but lately it's been really hard. It's the same **** over and over again, and I'm getting so fed up!
My dad is an alcoholic who doesn's give a crap about his kids...my mom says they never change...i dont want to think that about Cory....
He's only 22, can't he change....
Frustrated and need to vent I guess...
Thanks for letting me share
.
I've told you guys the whole story before in one of my older post. To keep it simple, my boyfriend is 22 and has to (feels like he has to) take care of his little brothers and sisters, and his parents who act like they are children as well.
He tried so many times to quit drinking. He even went to AA once. He has lost ALL of his friends because of his drinking. He used to be Mr. Popular, a great musician and a funny person. Now his music has been suffering, he lost his closet friends, and he is depressed and angry all time....
He never wants to hang out with anyone, or do anything. He has no motivation, and it's just too much work to go to rehab. He has never been, and we have no idea how to get into rehab. We are poor as **** and in our 20's. We are both in school, but he is failing ALL of his classes.
He woke up this morning saying he's gonna quit...how do I believe him...seriously? Is my negativity making things worse. I used to be positive and had faith in him, but lately it's been really hard. It's the same **** over and over again, and I'm getting so fed up!
My dad is an alcoholic who doesn's give a crap about his kids...my mom says they never change...i dont want to think that about Cory....
He's only 22, can't he change....
Frustrated and need to vent I guess...
Thanks for letting me share
.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Mlewis--
You cannot help him quit, but there are many many folks in AA who know how to quit drinking, live sober, and get back to living a real and beautiful life.
Maybe just hand him the number to local AA and tell him to try again, there is a solution, but he has to commit to it 100%. If he calls the number and asks for a "12th step visit" then some guys will come and talk to him, tell him they know exactly where he is at, and maybe he will reach out a hand to them and accept the one they offer to him. And then you have to let go and let God.
If he is ready and willing he will make the right choices. If he is not done drinking yet then you & he may have many years of heartache ahead. So the best thing you can do is get yourself into counseling or AlAnon. You school must offer mental health help. AlAnon is free!
I found it was possible for me to live my life in peace, joy and serenity, whether the alcoholics I love are drinking or not. AlAnon taught me how. And one-on-one therapy helped too (I found a cheap mental health clinic with a sliding scale fee).
He's only 22, can't he change....
Entirely up to him and impossible to predict.
I get to these frustrating questions about other people and I turn them around on myself....Can I change? Am I willing to really change myself, to do the work? Or will I continue in my bog of misery??!!
peace-
b
You cannot help him quit, but there are many many folks in AA who know how to quit drinking, live sober, and get back to living a real and beautiful life.
Maybe just hand him the number to local AA and tell him to try again, there is a solution, but he has to commit to it 100%. If he calls the number and asks for a "12th step visit" then some guys will come and talk to him, tell him they know exactly where he is at, and maybe he will reach out a hand to them and accept the one they offer to him. And then you have to let go and let God.
If he is ready and willing he will make the right choices. If he is not done drinking yet then you & he may have many years of heartache ahead. So the best thing you can do is get yourself into counseling or AlAnon. You school must offer mental health help. AlAnon is free!
I found it was possible for me to live my life in peace, joy and serenity, whether the alcoholics I love are drinking or not. AlAnon taught me how. And one-on-one therapy helped too (I found a cheap mental health clinic with a sliding scale fee).
He's only 22, can't he change....
Entirely up to him and impossible to predict.
I get to these frustrating questions about other people and I turn them around on myself....Can I change? Am I willing to really change myself, to do the work? Or will I continue in my bog of misery??!!
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Hi,
I went back and read some of your posts. I suggest you do the same.
Read your powerless post replies. All you need is right there.
I often get stuck in the complain/talk/explain mode because it feels safer than the ACTION mode. I want someone else to change because I don't want to change. It's scary and hard and I don't like my choices.
But the choices you have are the choices you have.
Good luck. You are strong enough.
Wife
I went back and read some of your posts. I suggest you do the same.
Read your powerless post replies. All you need is right there.
I often get stuck in the complain/talk/explain mode because it feels safer than the ACTION mode. I want someone else to change because I don't want to change. It's scary and hard and I don't like my choices.
But the choices you have are the choices you have.
Good luck. You are strong enough.
Wife
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Bernadette is right - but he DOES have to commit to it 100%. One of the things that the A.A. books says is that it's like there is a key to doing this quitting thing. (my words, not theirs) The key is Willingness.
It also says that for some very, very few people, it just does not work and in "their" opinion, it is due to a deep lack of honesty. So, in other words, he CAN quit drinking, he CAN have success by utilizing the steps found in A.A.
In being Willing, he has to not only commit, but commit to doing the "Program" as is intended. Very often, the addict tries to do it his "own way" and that very rarely works for the long term.
It is also very common for people to run at it more than once. He probably is a little, if not alot, more motivated today than he was the last time.
Rehab IS a good option because of the total focus on sobriety, and because you're not out in the world surrounded by temptations. You are broke - but there are numerous options for you - inpatient and outpatient - as your disposal that are sliding fee scale, or free of charge. Throw some key words together, sit on google for awhile, then show your boyfriend the list of phone numbers you have collected. He does have to make the phone call.
He absolutely CAN do this, it just feels as if he cannot.
And can you check out an al-anon meeting for yourself?
It also says that for some very, very few people, it just does not work and in "their" opinion, it is due to a deep lack of honesty. So, in other words, he CAN quit drinking, he CAN have success by utilizing the steps found in A.A.
In being Willing, he has to not only commit, but commit to doing the "Program" as is intended. Very often, the addict tries to do it his "own way" and that very rarely works for the long term.
It is also very common for people to run at it more than once. He probably is a little, if not alot, more motivated today than he was the last time.
Rehab IS a good option because of the total focus on sobriety, and because you're not out in the world surrounded by temptations. You are broke - but there are numerous options for you - inpatient and outpatient - as your disposal that are sliding fee scale, or free of charge. Throw some key words together, sit on google for awhile, then show your boyfriend the list of phone numbers you have collected. He does have to make the phone call.
He absolutely CAN do this, it just feels as if he cannot.
And can you check out an al-anon meeting for yourself?
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Bernadette and Wife are right... the only person you can change is yourself! He needs to realize for himself how much alcohol is taking away from him and get to the point where he wants sobriety more than anything else in his life.
You said he wants to quit, but he can't stop himself. What has he done in the past to get sober. Going to AA once really doesn't qualify as working a program. Maybe the reason he can't stop himself is that he doesn't truly want to give up alcohol!?
My AH has told me plenty of times he wants to quit... I do believe that he sees that he needs and should get sober (i.e. he wants to want to quit), but he just doesn't want to give up alcohol completely. He wants to get rid of the addiction part of it, while still being able to drink like a non-alcoholic. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.
If your BF truly wants to quit, HE will need to find his own treatment program (I know it might be tough to find something when you don't have money for it, but there are inpatient and outpatient treatment centers that will accomodate people that don't have the financial means - HE just needs to do the research). AA can work, but only if he works it. My AH recently went to outpatient group therapy and kept telling me it wasn't working. The only reason it wasn't working was because HE didn't do the work... he wasn't committed to it. Sure, he went to the sessions, might have even done some of the exercises, but he didn't internalize it, he didn't really work on it or himself!
People here kept telling me that I couldn't change him, when I first got here... and I'm just now starting to really accept that. AND I have started to work on myself, which was the best thing I could do. He is still drinking, and I'm still hoping he will find his way to sobriety and I'm still sad that this is destroying our marriage, BUT I'm starting to fell better about myself and less stressed and tense!
What are you doing for yourself??? Are you working a program/ are you working on yourself? Please take good care of yourself (and don't let his misery become your misery)!!!
You said he wants to quit, but he can't stop himself. What has he done in the past to get sober. Going to AA once really doesn't qualify as working a program. Maybe the reason he can't stop himself is that he doesn't truly want to give up alcohol!?
My AH has told me plenty of times he wants to quit... I do believe that he sees that he needs and should get sober (i.e. he wants to want to quit), but he just doesn't want to give up alcohol completely. He wants to get rid of the addiction part of it, while still being able to drink like a non-alcoholic. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.
If your BF truly wants to quit, HE will need to find his own treatment program (I know it might be tough to find something when you don't have money for it, but there are inpatient and outpatient treatment centers that will accomodate people that don't have the financial means - HE just needs to do the research). AA can work, but only if he works it. My AH recently went to outpatient group therapy and kept telling me it wasn't working. The only reason it wasn't working was because HE didn't do the work... he wasn't committed to it. Sure, he went to the sessions, might have even done some of the exercises, but he didn't internalize it, he didn't really work on it or himself!
People here kept telling me that I couldn't change him, when I first got here... and I'm just now starting to really accept that. AND I have started to work on myself, which was the best thing I could do. He is still drinking, and I'm still hoping he will find his way to sobriety and I'm still sad that this is destroying our marriage, BUT I'm starting to fell better about myself and less stressed and tense!
What are you doing for yourself??? Are you working a program/ are you working on yourself? Please take good care of yourself (and don't let his misery become your misery)!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
I totally relate to your story. My BF says he wants to quit desperately but doesn't. Every time he does well for a day or two, he drinks and then the drinking gets more frequent until it gets really bad and he decides to quit again....round and round he goes in this cycle.
The advice from this forum is all good - you can only change yourself etc etc but that really is so hard to hear and even harder to believe. it hurts a lot to know there is nothing we can do to help them.
The advice from this forum is all good - you can only change yourself etc etc but that really is so hard to hear and even harder to believe. it hurts a lot to know there is nothing we can do to help them.
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