So Alone
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
let us not forget that we are all recovering from a tragedy of sorts, to loose our loved one to alcohol. this is why it is good to be gentle with ourselves, as we have just been through one of the storms in life.
i think it takes some discipline to break the loneliness. in the beginning, when i could feel myself sinking, i would literally drag myself out the door and take a walk by the sea.
when i left the house, feeling desolate, i would say to myself: "self, check how you feel when you walk back in the door".
and when i returned and did my "mental reality check", i realized that the mood had indeed been broken by the fresh air and movement.
i ALWAYS felt better upon the return. i had some color in my cheeks, i had run into some people who said hello, maybe i stopped and bought a wee treat for myself, maybe i ran into a nice dog or cat. it got me out of my own head.
another thing which always cheers me up is to improve something. again, in the beginning, i thought "oh, woe is me. i am so depleted" but then i would discipline myself to do something, anything. so, on i would go to wash the kitchen floor, again with the reminder to myself: "self, see how you feel when you finish".
and i ALWAYS felt better.
then, there is always dancing. if feeling low, i put on some dance music and move my body. sometimes, in the beginning, i don't feel like dancing but i push on. after 10 minutes of dancing, i'm really grooving! i'm breathing, moving my body and the music lifts me up.
lastly, i fall back on readings which inspire me. these are the best company. if there is some book that elevates you, that inspires you, turn to these texts in those moments of loneliness. one example is "the prophet" by kahil gibran, a beautiful book about what is important in life. it never fails to remind me why i have made the choices i have.
just some of my "tricks", tigger. it does get better as time passes and we adjust to this new lifestyle.
i think it takes some discipline to break the loneliness. in the beginning, when i could feel myself sinking, i would literally drag myself out the door and take a walk by the sea.
when i left the house, feeling desolate, i would say to myself: "self, check how you feel when you walk back in the door".
and when i returned and did my "mental reality check", i realized that the mood had indeed been broken by the fresh air and movement.
i ALWAYS felt better upon the return. i had some color in my cheeks, i had run into some people who said hello, maybe i stopped and bought a wee treat for myself, maybe i ran into a nice dog or cat. it got me out of my own head.
another thing which always cheers me up is to improve something. again, in the beginning, i thought "oh, woe is me. i am so depleted" but then i would discipline myself to do something, anything. so, on i would go to wash the kitchen floor, again with the reminder to myself: "self, see how you feel when you finish".
and i ALWAYS felt better.
then, there is always dancing. if feeling low, i put on some dance music and move my body. sometimes, in the beginning, i don't feel like dancing but i push on. after 10 minutes of dancing, i'm really grooving! i'm breathing, moving my body and the music lifts me up.
lastly, i fall back on readings which inspire me. these are the best company. if there is some book that elevates you, that inspires you, turn to these texts in those moments of loneliness. one example is "the prophet" by kahil gibran, a beautiful book about what is important in life. it never fails to remind me why i have made the choices i have.
just some of my "tricks", tigger. it does get better as time passes and we adjust to this new lifestyle.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by iwantcontrol 
but how do you sit through the uncomfortableness? I'm still with my BF but often on my own and feel so lonely. I can't work out how to cope with these feelings either.
keep defining/redefining yourself, get your good feelings from your own accomplishments and not his, and surround yourself with healthy people
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
awesome post, naive!!!!!!! and good therapy!!!!!
I also dearly love the book "The Prophet"...I have been turning to it for quite a few years now...have currently started reading a chapter a day with honey...he chooses the topic and I read.
Send me some of those housekeeping vibes! LOL
I also dearly love the book "The Prophet"...I have been turning to it for quite a few years now...have currently started reading a chapter a day with honey...he chooses the topic and I read.
Send me some of those housekeeping vibes! LOL
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
something Iwantcontrol said that got me remembering -
I've been 'on my own' now for several years.
not all of 'em happy, just without another person in the house.
I kinda like it.
But one thing I remember writing in a journal early on was
(paraphrasing)
"even when I'm all by myself, I'm not as alone as I was when I was with him."
been there. done that. nailed it shut.
I've been 'on my own' now for several years.
not all of 'em happy, just without another person in the house.
I kinda like it.
But one thing I remember writing in a journal early on was
(paraphrasing)
"even when I'm all by myself, I'm not as alone as I was when I was with him."
been there. done that. nailed it shut.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Loneliness is a state of mind. You can choose to feel lonely and you can choose to feel not lonely. When you have taught yourself how to be WITH yourself; when you have discovered YOU and what you are about and what you like and what you want for yourself, and what your future looks like, you stop feeling so alone. Forcing yourself to function alone is difficult but I guarantee you that once you have gotten through all of this without a man to comfort you, you will feel more independent, free, capable, and confident. Breathe thru it and remember that "success is just on the other side of failure." Love ya'! You are strong. Remember that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by naive
let us not forget that we are all recovering from a tragedy of sorts, to loose our loved one to alcohol.
i think it takes some discipline to break the loneliness.
i think it takes some discipline to break the loneliness.
discipline to break the lonliness i also experienced. i would just wallow and wallow in the sadness, pace, take drives to nowhere, smoke way too many cigarettes. but one day i realized that, when i forced myself to play the piano, at some point i was aware that i was taken to another place. the music, and the playing literally took away the intensity of the bad feelings, and they were replaced with feelings of ..... i can't explain it, but like, working on something, working toward something, expressing music. well all i can say is that i felt transformed. it is now something i reach for, therapuetically.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
We all care about you
We all love you
We all send you a big hug
It does get better, but I will admit, sometimes it may get a bit worse first. Looking at your post it sounds like you are doing quite well, despite some insecurity, that we have all gone/going through
We all love you
We all send you a big hug
It does get better, but I will admit, sometimes it may get a bit worse first. Looking at your post it sounds like you are doing quite well, despite some insecurity, that we have all gone/going through
Originally Posted by tigger11
SR Family,
I feel so alone. I've never really had to deal with alone. I'm doing it intentionally because I know it would be a bad idea for me to seek company from a man. Guess I'm learning deeply what I stated a while ago; that I don't like being alone.
Oh… there are wonderful people in my life; my SR family, my natural family, dear wonderful friends. But it's not the same as sharing a home, warmth, comfort, ideas, feelings, the burden of finances, hopes and dreams with a committed partner. I don't like it. Not one bit. But I am choosing this, and simply have to get through it and learn to be comfortable and even joyful by myself. Oh crap it's hard.
Then there's the added frustration with the legal system that doesn't consider promises and emotions. It hit me last night at my first appt with a counselor that I really am going to have to shoulder a lot financially that I shouldn't have to, but legally, must.
I'm working at home today which is good and bad. Being at work eliminates distractions from deep thought. And… being at work eliminates distractions from deep thought (repeat intended).
I'm sorry to be non-positive. But it's all encompassing-ly painful at the moment. I wish I had a man-partner here to comfort me. Then again, I'm glad I don't. I have to work through this. Wonder how long it will take.
Tigg
I feel so alone. I've never really had to deal with alone. I'm doing it intentionally because I know it would be a bad idea for me to seek company from a man. Guess I'm learning deeply what I stated a while ago; that I don't like being alone.
Oh… there are wonderful people in my life; my SR family, my natural family, dear wonderful friends. But it's not the same as sharing a home, warmth, comfort, ideas, feelings, the burden of finances, hopes and dreams with a committed partner. I don't like it. Not one bit. But I am choosing this, and simply have to get through it and learn to be comfortable and even joyful by myself. Oh crap it's hard.
Then there's the added frustration with the legal system that doesn't consider promises and emotions. It hit me last night at my first appt with a counselor that I really am going to have to shoulder a lot financially that I shouldn't have to, but legally, must.
I'm working at home today which is good and bad. Being at work eliminates distractions from deep thought. And… being at work eliminates distractions from deep thought (repeat intended).
I'm sorry to be non-positive. But it's all encompassing-ly painful at the moment. I wish I had a man-partner here to comfort me. Then again, I'm glad I don't. I have to work through this. Wonder how long it will take.
Tigg
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker
yes how true, it is a tragedy, for all parties. we weren't put on this earth to experience life this way.
discipline to break the lonliness i also experienced. i would just wallow and wallow in the sadness, pace, take drives to nowhere, smoke way too many cigarettes. but one day i realized that, when i forced myself to play the piano, at some point i was aware that i was taken to another place. the music, and the playing literally took away the intensity of the bad feelings, and they were replaced with feelings of ..... i can't explain it, but like, working on something, working toward something, expressing music. well all i can say is that i felt transformed. it is now something i reach for, therapuetically.
discipline to break the lonliness i also experienced. i would just wallow and wallow in the sadness, pace, take drives to nowhere, smoke way too many cigarettes. but one day i realized that, when i forced myself to play the piano, at some point i was aware that i was taken to another place. the music, and the playing literally took away the intensity of the bad feelings, and they were replaced with feelings of ..... i can't explain it, but like, working on something, working toward something, expressing music. well all i can say is that i felt transformed. it is now something i reach for, therapuetically.
Music and full court basketball with the high school kids was the best medicine for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Hello my dears,
I've been away from SR for a while, deep in sorrowful, grieving feelings. None of the usual stuff helped. Odd. I walked my beloved dog 3x/day moving one foot in front of the other feeling as though I might not make it back to the apartment, but knowing I had to since Huck needed to. Went to work every day. Went to the doc and got some meds that were supposed to help. They did. A little. But the dark can-barely-breathe-much-less-move feelings persisted.
But now, in this moment... I feel better for some odd reason. I'm not a shopper. Don't like the stores, don't like spending $'s. If I desperately NEED something, I buy online, or at a small store. Hate malls and big stores. Well today, I went furniture shopping. Don't have the $'s, but it turns out that, at this very inexpensive (OKAY - CHEAP) furniture store, I had credit from some years ago when I bought my son bedroom furniture.
I bought a bedroom set, plus a sofa and chair. I've never bought a bedroom set. No really... 50 YO, and never have. It's not spectacular by any stretch, but it's nice. I really like the bed. But the sofa and chair... OMG - I LOVE THEM! I may not do this description well but... the sofa is striped with taupe, medium blue and off white. The stuffed chair is the same blue and off white, but in a flower pattern. I bought all the throw pillows to pull them together. Ohohohohoh... I'm so excited! They get delivered next week.
So I got home... AND FELT BETTER! Huh. But hey... at this moment in my life, what ever works... I'll take it!
There's more legal and STBXAH stuff, but I don't feel up to talking about it now. Just wanted to share some happy stuff.
Love and Hugs to all!
Love you, Live!
Tigg
I've been away from SR for a while, deep in sorrowful, grieving feelings. None of the usual stuff helped. Odd. I walked my beloved dog 3x/day moving one foot in front of the other feeling as though I might not make it back to the apartment, but knowing I had to since Huck needed to. Went to work every day. Went to the doc and got some meds that were supposed to help. They did. A little. But the dark can-barely-breathe-much-less-move feelings persisted.
But now, in this moment... I feel better for some odd reason. I'm not a shopper. Don't like the stores, don't like spending $'s. If I desperately NEED something, I buy online, or at a small store. Hate malls and big stores. Well today, I went furniture shopping. Don't have the $'s, but it turns out that, at this very inexpensive (OKAY - CHEAP) furniture store, I had credit from some years ago when I bought my son bedroom furniture.
I bought a bedroom set, plus a sofa and chair. I've never bought a bedroom set. No really... 50 YO, and never have. It's not spectacular by any stretch, but it's nice. I really like the bed. But the sofa and chair... OMG - I LOVE THEM! I may not do this description well but... the sofa is striped with taupe, medium blue and off white. The stuffed chair is the same blue and off white, but in a flower pattern. I bought all the throw pillows to pull them together. Ohohohohoh... I'm so excited! They get delivered next week.
So I got home... AND FELT BETTER! Huh. But hey... at this moment in my life, what ever works... I'll take it!
There's more legal and STBXAH stuff, but I don't feel up to talking about it now. Just wanted to share some happy stuff.
Love and Hugs to all!
Love you, Live!
Tigg
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Tigger-- I LOVE THIS HAPPY STUFF!
Don't you love new stuff! Those were some major purchases! Now, just imagine sitting on your brand new fabulous couch with a nice cup of tea watching the movie of your choice, burning some candles....and it's peaceful, and it's quiet
And imagine crawling into your fabulous new bed, with some new crisp sheets and drifting off to the most comfortable sleep.
I find it's thinking about the things like that that bring a smile to my face. Just the simplest things.
I got a new waffle maker for xmas.... and do you know how much I look forward to simply just making some waffles!? They make me HAPPY. So simple. And you know, my moods used to depend on whether or not I would hear from XA?!
Craziness! It's the simpliest things that can make us really happy when we let them!
ENJOY!!!
Don't you love new stuff! Those were some major purchases! Now, just imagine sitting on your brand new fabulous couch with a nice cup of tea watching the movie of your choice, burning some candles....and it's peaceful, and it's quiet
And imagine crawling into your fabulous new bed, with some new crisp sheets and drifting off to the most comfortable sleep.
I find it's thinking about the things like that that bring a smile to my face. Just the simplest things.
I got a new waffle maker for xmas.... and do you know how much I look forward to simply just making some waffles!? They make me HAPPY. So simple. And you know, my moods used to depend on whether or not I would hear from XA?!
Craziness! It's the simpliest things that can make us really happy when we let them!
ENJOY!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: too close to the fire
Posts: 173
I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.........
I used to believe I had it together, I could move mountains, believe in love and commitment. These days I feel alone and in love with a man who projects emotions, thoughts and circumstances. Although he is very good to me the mood swings have me walking on egg shells and growing more anry every day. I am so afraid of being independant of him but all my life I have depended on no one but me. I had no parents I know I am co-de, I need a little hope here and advice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
I saw your friend request ILoveMe, and will respond. You're in the right place for help and healing. Keep coming back... every day if you can. This is the place to learn how to fill the loneliness holes, and to grow and heal. The SR forum saved my life. HUGS! Tigger.
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