confrontation without anger
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
confrontation without anger
I did it!!!!
I stated my boundaries to my aexh's girlfriend... neutrally! Without getting mad! And I blocked her email!
My main challenge with my alcoholic former husband lately has not been him at all, but dealing with his well-meaning but domineering girlfriend, who is sure she knows a great deal more than me about how to be a good mom... and has been making sure I hear about it, one way or another, for some time.
The last straw was receiving an email from her last week asking why I missed my daughter's last physical therapy date, and saying that she'd be glad to rearrange her schedule to take my daughter to any future appointments. (The PT is my task, per my agreement with my ex. In fact, I forgot to write the last appointment date down, and I'll tell him that if he asks... which is highly unlikely.)
I replied and said that I am glad that she cares about my daughter, but that my policy is to parent with my child's dad only, I have all the help I need, and she should talk to him about any concerns she has. I included no defensiveness, no ugly names, no tedious explanations of the wisdom of keeping to your own side of the street, and no suggestions that she has control issues which would be visible to Ray Charles.
And I told the physical therapist's office that communication is to go to me or my daughter's dad only... let's hear it for HIPPA, for folks in the U.S.
I called my former husband, and of course he's not going to make in effort to do anything-- according to him her need to know what's going on and to help is a harmless and unchangeable personality characteristic. But I didn't expect him to back me up, so no yelling match followed. That's a first. She's going to continue to try to interfere, and I'm not going to get sucked into it, and she's going to complain to my ex husband about how frustrated she is with me, and he will have a bad evening when that happens (this info from my chat with him), and we all understand each other.
This may not sound like much, but I go to pieces with high dominance people and I hate confrontations. No one has been able to push my buttons more effectively than this woman for some time now. I feel like that knot of helpless anger in my chest has dissolved. It's like knowing I can go back on the playground now because I'm not scared of the class bully anymore.
I think the next time my daughter says, "Daddy's girlfriend told me that you should (wash my hair more often/wash my hair less often/give me vitamin pills/not give me dairy/send me to school wearing platform roller skates/or whatever)" I'll be able to calmly respond that I don't care what she says. That will be an improvement.
I stated my boundaries to my aexh's girlfriend... neutrally! Without getting mad! And I blocked her email!
My main challenge with my alcoholic former husband lately has not been him at all, but dealing with his well-meaning but domineering girlfriend, who is sure she knows a great deal more than me about how to be a good mom... and has been making sure I hear about it, one way or another, for some time.
The last straw was receiving an email from her last week asking why I missed my daughter's last physical therapy date, and saying that she'd be glad to rearrange her schedule to take my daughter to any future appointments. (The PT is my task, per my agreement with my ex. In fact, I forgot to write the last appointment date down, and I'll tell him that if he asks... which is highly unlikely.)
I replied and said that I am glad that she cares about my daughter, but that my policy is to parent with my child's dad only, I have all the help I need, and she should talk to him about any concerns she has. I included no defensiveness, no ugly names, no tedious explanations of the wisdom of keeping to your own side of the street, and no suggestions that she has control issues which would be visible to Ray Charles.
And I told the physical therapist's office that communication is to go to me or my daughter's dad only... let's hear it for HIPPA, for folks in the U.S.
I called my former husband, and of course he's not going to make in effort to do anything-- according to him her need to know what's going on and to help is a harmless and unchangeable personality characteristic. But I didn't expect him to back me up, so no yelling match followed. That's a first. She's going to continue to try to interfere, and I'm not going to get sucked into it, and she's going to complain to my ex husband about how frustrated she is with me, and he will have a bad evening when that happens (this info from my chat with him), and we all understand each other.
This may not sound like much, but I go to pieces with high dominance people and I hate confrontations. No one has been able to push my buttons more effectively than this woman for some time now. I feel like that knot of helpless anger in my chest has dissolved. It's like knowing I can go back on the playground now because I'm not scared of the class bully anymore.
I think the next time my daughter says, "Daddy's girlfriend told me that you should (wash my hair more often/wash my hair less often/give me vitamin pills/not give me dairy/send me to school wearing platform roller skates/or whatever)" I'll be able to calmly respond that I don't care what she says. That will be an improvement.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
great to see boundaries being enforced!
good for you for blocking her email.
next time she calls, if it's to meddle, you can say "please don't call me unless it's an emergency with my children. and i mean that. i gotta run now. goodbye." click.
do it a couple of times and she'll get the message loud and clear.
good for you for blocking her email.
next time she calls, if it's to meddle, you can say "please don't call me unless it's an emergency with my children. and i mean that. i gotta run now. goodbye." click.
do it a couple of times and she'll get the message loud and clear.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Buffalo - I had a similar situation with my EXH's new wife. She's a good lady and I was glad she was their step-mom but it soon became apparent that my exh was turning over all responsibilities to her, including the responsiblity to communicate with me about the children. It also became apparent that she was wedging herself into that position for the purpose of keeping he and I at a distance. He and I get/got along well and talked often about the kids; I don't think she liked that much.
Anyway... fast forward... as ex's tend to do, he and I would sometimes argue and then carry it on in emails. I finally figured out that SHE was the one composing his emails!! That's where I drew the line and said "I will only talk to exh and only by phone" whenever there are mattrs to discuss. It took TWO YEARS to extricate her from that triangle of communication and for them to finally GET IT. Exh and I finally got our peaceful, cooperative relationship back on track and the kids were much better for it.
Stick to your boundaries otherwise a determined girlfriend like that will take over all communications and duties that your exh is happy to hand over. Just don't accept the situation AT ALL. Believe me, she will try every trick in the book to get that power.
Anyway... fast forward... as ex's tend to do, he and I would sometimes argue and then carry it on in emails. I finally figured out that SHE was the one composing his emails!! That's where I drew the line and said "I will only talk to exh and only by phone" whenever there are mattrs to discuss. It took TWO YEARS to extricate her from that triangle of communication and for them to finally GET IT. Exh and I finally got our peaceful, cooperative relationship back on track and the kids were much better for it.
Stick to your boundaries otherwise a determined girlfriend like that will take over all communications and duties that your exh is happy to hand over. Just don't accept the situation AT ALL. Believe me, she will try every trick in the book to get that power.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Yep, I am also in awe of you Buffalogal 
I know I'll have to do this at some point because I expect XAH will be announcing a new girlfriend soon (he already threatened to introduce DD to her last month). I pray I have your composure!
I know I'll have to do this at some point because I expect XAH will be announcing a new girlfriend soon (he already threatened to introduce DD to her last month). I pray I have your composure!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Thanks all-- it's taken me a long time to come to this point! I made a New Year's resolution to be more conscious of how fear molds my behavior and to fight it when I can. If the girlfriend were just a selfish, awful person it would be easier, but she's not. It's hard to smack down a person who cares about my child and really wants to help. But I'm sick of being criticized and feeling pushed around. I've really come to value my peace of mind, and I lose it every time I interact with this person.
Worse, I feel sorry for her. She very much wants to become Mrs. ExAH, and he's not going to do it-- I've asked him more than once, point blank. He said he didn't want to marry her two years ago, and one year ago, and he said it again yesterday. It took a huge effort for me to NOT point out to her that I don't make a practice of giving her advice, although she's making a choice that is a pretty sure route to heartbreak.
Worse, I feel sorry for her. She very much wants to become Mrs. ExAH, and he's not going to do it-- I've asked him more than once, point blank. He said he didn't want to marry her two years ago, and one year ago, and he said it again yesterday. It took a huge effort for me to NOT point out to her that I don't make a practice of giving her advice, although she's making a choice that is a pretty sure route to heartbreak.
Nice job!
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