to admit anger or not...
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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wife. the own room thing is for you. so you can have your own space if your feeling confused and want to process what just went down.
being a sensitive (and also a meditator) i find i am influenced by being in someone else's aura.
if i am confused, i like to sit within my own aura and go within to sort things out.
i can't do that in physical proximity to someone else. i, myself, need to separate.
naive
being a sensitive (and also a meditator) i find i am influenced by being in someone else's aura.
if i am confused, i like to sit within my own aura and go within to sort things out.
i can't do that in physical proximity to someone else. i, myself, need to separate.
naive
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Naple, FL
Posts: 14
The best time to talk about this is when he is not under the influence and you are not so angry. My husband came to me and told me he was concerned with my health and the mental health of him and my children. My drinking was taking a toll on everyone one around me and it began to effect people outside of our home. I did not like to hear what was being told to me and I did not feel like I was being attacked by him either. We were able to talk and not yell and he did remind me that he love the person I am without the drink. It has not been a easy road for us but all we can do is take one day at a time. What is important is when you talk to someone who has a problem it is important that you stress how much you love and will support them if that is what you want to do.
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Location: UK
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Originally Posted by brooks1974 
The best time to talk about this is when he is not under the influence and you are not so angry.
when I first sw it I thought "what bl**dy stupid advice: he is always drunk/hungover/drinking and I am always angry".....
at this point I described him to my al-anon group as a "binge drinker" because although he drank every evening and sometimes in the mornings before work and all day in the weekends, he really "binged" heavily 3-4 times a week....
....and still I questioned if there was really a problem.
ho hum, sorry.
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Location: rural west
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
it makes you mad to sleep in the same bed WITH him yes?
the harder you try to accept the unacceptable the more inner conflict you will feel.
I am working hard to accept the unacceptable (in the universal way that I can not change it, but my resistance to it doesn't make it go away). But I am also working to be present to my feelings of what is unacceptable FOR ME and honoring those.
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Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker
I don't think it makes me mad to sleep in the same bed with him as much as he makes me mad for his behaviors, but I hear what you are saying.
I am working hard to accept the unacceptable (in the universal way that I can not change it, but my resistance to it doesn't make it go away). But I am also working to be present to my feelings of what is unacceptable FOR ME and honoring those.
I am working hard to accept the unacceptable (in the universal way that I can not change it, but my resistance to it doesn't make it go away). But I am also working to be present to my feelings of what is unacceptable FOR ME and honoring those.
His behaviors make you mad, but sleeping with him is okay? Resistance doesn't make the unacceptable go away, but acceptance does? Maybe if you can just accept him and sleep with him and quit resisting the unacceptable behaviors then you won't have to actually do anything?
As someone who sometimes suffers from "paralysis by analysis," I think I understand where you're at.
L
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Location: rural west
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Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker
Back to the bed things...As I look deeper, I don't want to sleep somewhere else because when my AH is threatened, he sleeps on the spare bed or tucks the blankets around him so I won't touch him and it seems SO silly to me.
Don't we, as mature adults, need to be able to feel feelings (sad, mad, hurt) and still be present to our love of our partners? Isn't running away NOT the thing to do? I feel like I should be (watch out! a 'should'!) grounded enough to able to be in the bed (not necessarily snuggling) and feel feelings. (Is that way off?)
Don't we, as mature adults, need to be able to feel feelings (sad, mad, hurt) and still be present to our love of our partners? Isn't running away NOT the thing to do? I feel like I should be (watch out! a 'should'!) grounded enough to able to be in the bed (not necessarily snuggling) and feel feelings. (Is that way off?)
Isn't maturity sitting with what is and then choosing whatever we choose?
Isn't moving to a new bed running away in a way?
Or is moving to a new bed a stepping stone for giving myself permission to detach?
Tell me more about this.
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Feeling your feelings is great. Learning how to be uncomfortable and not react is fine. But, you don't get some kind of prize for it. If I continue to feel angry when I am with a particular person, maybe I don't need to "sit with it" anymore. Maybe I need to get the h*ll away from that person. If I am constantly "uncomfortable" with my partner, then maybe I've not chosen the right partner.
Learning to honor my feelings and get through the uncomfortable ones is growth. Having the courage and wisdom to remove myself from situations that have proven to bring up those feelings, over and over, is further growth.
L
Learning to honor my feelings and get through the uncomfortable ones is growth. Having the courage and wisdom to remove myself from situations that have proven to bring up those feelings, over and over, is further growth.
L
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
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I met a great couple in their 30's years back who had seperate beds in the same room, (very doris day!) because they had different duvet needs: he liked big fluffy snuggly wrap around duvets that enveloped them, she liked lighter, cooler, fresher duvets (are these called a comforter in american-speak?). they tried his and she felt in danger of suffocating, they tried hers and he was chilly all night and clamped on to her like a limpet (which she said was worse than the big suffocato-duvet).
now I'm aware I'm telling this like a fable, but they told me they resisted seperate beds for ages with both/or one having LOUSY sleep and resenting the other, until finally they realised it wasn't about some big statement or failure and what were they trying to prove? it was just about a decent night's sleep.
LOL
((hugs)) what are you trying to prove by sleeping next to him if you are not comfortable there?
now I'm aware I'm telling this like a fable, but they told me they resisted seperate beds for ages with both/or one having LOUSY sleep and resenting the other, until finally they realised it wasn't about some big statement or failure and what were they trying to prove? it was just about a decent night's sleep.
But, you don't get some kind of prize for it.
((hugs)) what are you trying to prove by sleeping next to him if you are not comfortable there?
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BTW, way back on the first page of this thread, I suggested maybe your anger was trying to tell you something. I used sleeping in another room only as an example.
What do you think your anger is telling you?
L
What do you think your anger is telling you?
L
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I gave up trying to get any sleep beside a wine sodden, snoring AH and bought 2 beds for our room, moving our bed into the 2nd bedroom. That still didn't work too well, as he oozed a horrid smell from his pores and his snoring was noisier than a tractor.
I moved into the 2nd bedroom, and yes I did get to sleep, then he began coming in for a chat or to vent his disgust at me moving away from him, or leaving him asleep outside in his bar area.
When I had enough of that behavior and told him so, he invited me to leave him completely, and to his dismay and astonishment...I DID.
I felt all the usual emotions of guilt, anger, rejection and loneliness but survived them and made a new life for me, on my own for the first time in my life...SCARY.
He lived with each of our daughters, til they ran out of toleration and until the eldest put her foot down, taking over managing his totally stuffed up life.
He died last year, a pale shadow of the wonderful man he once was, thanks to that damned addiction to his wine cask.
He refused to see he had a problem with drinking, right to the end, so of course there was no hope of recovery.
Would I do anything differently? NO!! Wish I had options other than what I had, but I didn't, and had to deal with it as I did.
Hope you do have more chance of success than I did.
God bless
I moved into the 2nd bedroom, and yes I did get to sleep, then he began coming in for a chat or to vent his disgust at me moving away from him, or leaving him asleep outside in his bar area.
When I had enough of that behavior and told him so, he invited me to leave him completely, and to his dismay and astonishment...I DID.
I felt all the usual emotions of guilt, anger, rejection and loneliness but survived them and made a new life for me, on my own for the first time in my life...SCARY.
He lived with each of our daughters, til they ran out of toleration and until the eldest put her foot down, taking over managing his totally stuffed up life.
He died last year, a pale shadow of the wonderful man he once was, thanks to that damned addiction to his wine cask.
He refused to see he had a problem with drinking, right to the end, so of course there was no hope of recovery.
Would I do anything differently? NO!! Wish I had options other than what I had, but I didn't, and had to deal with it as I did.
Hope you do have more chance of success than I did.
God bless
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
BTW, way back on the first page of this thread, I suggested maybe your anger was trying to tell you something. I used sleeping in another room only as an example.
What do you think your anger is telling you?
L
What do you think your anger is telling you?
L
That I don't trust my husband's words to line up with his actions.
That I think my husband is trying to be something he's not or won't allow himself to be himself and I don't like that.
That my husband's behavior makes me feel not honored or respected.
That I am not honoring or respecting myself if I stick around someone that makes me feel not honored or respected.
That I need to do something for this feeling and situation to change.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
wife-
there are many good reasons for creating your own space in your home:
1. for yourself. you can go in there, chill and refrain from engaging if you feel angry.
2. it sends a clear message to your alcoholic: i'm not going to tolerate the lies anymore.
3. a good night's sleep!
4. it's a stepping stone. a short term solution while you continue to explore your options.
i have to agree with lateeda. you appear to have these "spiritual ideals" which are blocking you from taking action. from what i hear you saying, you should be able to "sit in love" with a man who is closed, lying, under the influence, and unable to offer you the emotional partnership you so desire. then you wonder why you have such anger arising inside of you. you have anger arising inside of you because your spiritual ideal is not working in real life.
so, you feel you "should" be able to tolerate his behavior with love. and as you continue to tolerate it, he
1. smokes in the house while your not there, even in your bed.
2. continues to lie and drink
3. watches pornography
4. has a shopping compulsion
5. borrows money from your parents to support his habit
6. refuses to discuss his issues or feelings
7. sneak drinks under your nose
8. says he doesn't want to change any of the above.
all i'm saying is that if you want to "tolerate" these behaviors which you have identified as unexceptable to you, you can do so from a comfortable distance.
this will give you the space required to feel your emotions, rather than pretending to him that you don't have them because you're lying next to him.
there are many good reasons for creating your own space in your home:
1. for yourself. you can go in there, chill and refrain from engaging if you feel angry.
2. it sends a clear message to your alcoholic: i'm not going to tolerate the lies anymore.
3. a good night's sleep!
4. it's a stepping stone. a short term solution while you continue to explore your options.
i have to agree with lateeda. you appear to have these "spiritual ideals" which are blocking you from taking action. from what i hear you saying, you should be able to "sit in love" with a man who is closed, lying, under the influence, and unable to offer you the emotional partnership you so desire. then you wonder why you have such anger arising inside of you. you have anger arising inside of you because your spiritual ideal is not working in real life.
so, you feel you "should" be able to tolerate his behavior with love. and as you continue to tolerate it, he
1. smokes in the house while your not there, even in your bed.
2. continues to lie and drink
3. watches pornography
4. has a shopping compulsion
5. borrows money from your parents to support his habit
6. refuses to discuss his issues or feelings
7. sneak drinks under your nose
8. says he doesn't want to change any of the above.
all i'm saying is that if you want to "tolerate" these behaviors which you have identified as unexceptable to you, you can do so from a comfortable distance.
this will give you the space required to feel your emotions, rather than pretending to him that you don't have them because you're lying next to him.
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